I LOVE YOU AND IM PROUD OF YOU

I thank God for having all my children in my life. There is always an event or incident that make one among them pops up to the surface level. My eldest, she is 23, she is beautiful and delicate. Of course she has her shortcomings, who doesnt. She is impulsive but deep down she is soft and cares a lot to others. She loves her brother and sister and takes care of them well. She is a thermometer that indicates my being a mother.

However life is not always good to her. There are times she gets real big punches in her life. My youngest who happens to be 7 years old has quite an attachment to her. I thank God for this, for my son needs more than just me to take care and look after him. But people perceive such closeness in a negative way. They make stories and create gossips that my son is actually my grandson and he is my daughter's son. It is easy to say...ignore them. But reality is harder than just words. The rumors and gossips spread out like germs, it affected her love life, her studies and most areas that she goes to, most crowds that she belongs to. I know she is unhappy about it, but I wish I could tell her that my heart is bleeding to see her carrying the cross.

Dear God, help my daughter, provide her with strength so that she can face the world. Give her your blessings Lord. I am not asking you to take away the cross from her, but give her strength to carry the cross.

Put, I am so proud of you. How you take things lightly and how you sacrifice yourself for your brother. I am definitely sure that God will be with you in every steps you take and we, your dad and I, will always be there for you. You are my daughter, you are my precious. We love you.

OF SWEAT AND BLOOD

Most people love to lead a leisure life. But not too many would spend their sweat on it. So some cheat on others. The announcement that there is an opening in an international organization has awaken me of my tranquility. After a week of deep thought I wrote down my application and sent it to the appointed mail address. After a week I didnt receive any response and felt a bit disturbed. So I decided to give up my hopes.

Yesterday, I received a positive response. The international organization had considered my application and requested me to follow a written interview. A form was attached and I had to fill in the form. I filled the form right away and sent it. It was no longer than two hours when they replied to my mail and congratulate me. I was so happy until I found another mail that notified me that they would consider my application and would let me know as soon as they can. I am astonished by the fact that there were two contradictory mails. So, I decided to discuss it my friend, who happened to receive a positive confirmation earlier.

She was startled by this fact. We soon realized that there was something wrong with all these offers for they asked as to send some money for the induction program.This is the point where we both realized that they are nothing but a bunch of cheaters. My friend hurriedly went to the bank to cancel her wired transfer. Lucky enough, she could get her money back.

As with me, thank you Lord for reminding me that there is no free lunch. I have to get back to my current post and shed my sweat and blood to earn my life.

SAD AND HAPPY

My application to be part of an internasional organization has not received any responses yet. I sense that they have refused to hire me because of my age and my background that doesnt fit the demanded competencies. Anyway, this is what life is all about, sometimes you win and some other time you loose.

I presented some materials on change in a local company yesterday. They gave me quite an enormous amount of financial reward. An amount that went beyond my prices all this time. Im happy not because of the money, but simply because I feel that I exist.

I talked to a friend who managed to pass the entry test for the vacancy in the international organization. Deep down in my heart I'm happy for her. Life has been not really that good for her and I think she deserves to get that position. It will serve as an eye opener how my organization has been neglecting their best employees, simply because they couldnt catch up with the way those progressive people think.

I only have my dissertation to work on. Im going to focus on it. And I have my family to take care of, yes financially I have to take care of them. Sometimes I feel it's unfair... because none of them have ever...ever given me just a little bit of attention, be it on my birthday or during christmast time. I have never found a small gift from my family me on christmast time. Sometimes I believe that they just want to make a surprise for me... so I probably would get it by tomorrow ...and I waited...tomorrow...the day after tomorrow and on the third day..I stop hoping that I will get something from them and I cut off my illusionary dream.

Hah..happy and sad, they are part of me...and they are part of everybody... im happy and im sad...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Yesterday was my birthday. Goodness, time flies. I received quite many birthday wishes from friends and from people that I dont remember anymore. Anyway, it's there, thank you for your kind attention and most of all thank you for your little prayer. They do mean a lot, especially when it is based on sincerity.
Like many years that have gone by, I expect to see surprises when I got up, but again like many other years, the surprise is not there. Life just goes on, like yesterday, the day before yesterday and many other days in the past. So I wiped off my expectations and put my boring "attire" to face the day.
This morning, I woke up rather early, and stay in bed. The perenial question was there again my head. It had been there yesterday, on the way home from the dentist. We both met on the training event prior to the 1985 SEA Games.
me: "What was your first impression on me when we first met?"
hubby: "You have your own world, you hardly hang around with others. You went straight to your room and not an easy person to get close to."
me: "Is that so?" ( I was hoping that he wanted to make some corrections on his statements)
hubby: "yes", he responded abruptly.
This morning as it came back, I remember the psychologist statement:
psy: "It's really suprising to know that you are a Public Relations practitioner. You dont seem like you have the call to do this profession."
me: "But I did, and i'm happy with it."
psy: "yes, but you could be happier if you do other things."
I wonder if I really have been such a personality that hard to deal with. The only thing that I know, I enjoy doing things on my own and I love to explore this life alone.
God, thank you for allowing me to inhale another year of fresh air. Thank you for allowing me to explore the painful and the beauty of life. Bless me Lord!

A LETTER TO MY SISTER

Dear Sister,

I'm sitting on my own in this lonely planet. I actually had a lot of papers to finish, but then my mind has stopped working. In fact it refuses to work these last days. A disturbed feeling has been toying my heart and made me ride on an emotional roller coaster. Is it because of the papers? Have my studies burnt my head and my mood? Is it me? or Is it my family? Is it my work? I am darn bored with everything.
I miss you sister! I really miss you sooo much. I don't know whom I can share my problems with. I hope you are doing well up there. I hope you are not in pain anymore. I feel so lonely.
Our brother is now at my home. My pain of loosing you has turned even worse, when I saw him. I remember the time when we visited him just for 3 days. We went to the cheese factory and we went to see our relatives. We went to see the flowers in Lisse. Those were happy times. I remember him watching you and I closely and deeply. I remember his expression when he said, I could hardly believe that both of you are here with me. I had to admit that I was so happy at that time.
Remember when we, mom, our brother, you, the kids and I, spent our holiday at Rosa's place together? You and I had a big fight. I told you that I don't need you for I think you were taking over my freedom. I regret saying those things sister. At that time, I really felt that you were squeezing us too much. I know that you didn't really mean to do it. But that's what you are. You always try to lead. In most cases I had been so proud of you sister and I love you.
I can not mention the moments one by one... since they are so many... and they are all beautiful moments. I still have those stories about our holiday in New York, then another one in LA. That one I was with my children and Mom. Thank you sister...for all the love, for all the beautiful moments.
Forgive me sister, forgive me God. I couldn't be there for you when you needed me most. You just don't know how painful I felt inside, how much I regret myself for not being able to be close to you. And it hurts even more when your husband told me that until the last 5 minutes of your life, you were still waiting for me. I would do anything just to turn the clock back to the past and be there for you. I swear I didn't know that you were in your final stage at that time. I couldn't put myself on the plane. It was the highest season of the year, it was December sister, it was Christmast. Your husband told me that I am the one you love most in your life. I love you too sister.
Your daughter told me that your family celebrate christmast in your bed, because you were to weak to move. I know all those stories, a couple of months after you passed away. When I talked to you, you sounded not good, but then it happened a couple of times and you got better again. You wanted me to come in April 2010, because you assumed by that time you would have been better and we both could have traveled together.
Sister, you still owe me a trip together to Europe. We planned it two years ago before you knew that you suffered from CA. Then we postponed it to the following year, then we postponed it again to 2010. April has passed sister. June has almost passed. I don't miss Europe, I don't miss Greece, I miss you, our being together, laughing, gossiping and sometimes we had little fights that glue our heart even stronger.
Sister, time is flowing aimlessly, I miss you and miss you.... and miss you even more...as time goes by I realize even more how much you mean to me...

WAKE UP!!!

Ever since my children were little kids I woke them up in the morning. It's not always been easy since they all love to sleep. Who doesnt? As they grow up, I hardly wake them up, since I realize that they have become their own person. But then, the essence of waking them up never stops.

As grown up, they begin to fall in love. Love has the tendency to make people sightless. Some even fall asleep and and landed in the space of dream. My daughter is not an exception. She dreams the beautiful dream of love. She truly believes that what she sees in the dream is nothing but the reality. She doesnt realize that reality will only turns into reality once you jump into it.

I try to wake her up. If only she had been the same little kid, I would have waken her up everyday. I knew that I would turn into nothing but a nuisance to her. But...alas it's so hard to make her understand that it's not for me....it's for her....

IT'S KILLING ME!!!

"All I he wanted to do is free literature from the tyranny of a single school of thought, to open debate"

Arrghhhh.... again another assignment to get over with. This time I have to present a chapter on methodology in culture studies, poststructuralism and postmodernism. Normally I dont really mind reading in fact I enjoy it much. But this topic is really killing me, for it shattered down the mainstream ways of thinking which focues on one objective universal approach into subjective multiple approaches. So...what is it? I dont know for definition is like a cage that controls the freedom of interpretation. So it leaves us with an open access to meaning.

One among the main thinker of this era is Derrida and his deconstruction method. Deconstruction was there as an opposition to logocentrism. Logocentrism is a metaphysical inheritence of ideas which is asserted to pervade all Western tradition from Plato onwards and gained ground in the 18th century Enlightenment movement with the birth of modernity. Such point of view offers the notion that there are some rational, global solutions and explanations, some general principles which guarantee progress in the development of knolwedge.

Deconstruction opposes such myth of grand narratives and replaces it with local and little narratives. He roposes 3 little steps in deconstruction: (1) the first one involves a destruction of the dominating picture in favour of what was hidden, dominated; (2) the second involves a destruiction of both the dominating and the dominated poles; (3) constructing a new and wider new pole.

I just wonder the interconnection between such method with the work that I'm currently dealing with. I try to translate the concept into my simple daily language of work and I'm still trying to read all the text with the 3 little steps in mind. I dont know how others find my experience but I am honestly confused.

Eghh...going back to the main topic.... it's due this Thursday...hopefully I can get it done by Wednesday.

nb: illustration is taken from http://www.qwantz.com/fanart/DerridaRoar.png

Wanita "bodoh" dan Lelaki "pintar"

The following article is written by my daughter:

Wanita "bodoh" dan Lelaki "pintar"

wanita bodoh bukan karena dia memang bodoh..
tetapi dia bodoh bila dihadapan seorang lelaki pintar
lelaki pintar bukan karena dia memang pintar
tetapi dia pintar bila sedang berbicara dengan wanita
bodoh karena mau saja dibodohi
dan pintar karena bisa membodohi wanita
apa mau seperti itu terus
seorang wanita seharusnya bisa berusaha untuk tidak menjadi bodoh
tetapi apa daya sang lelaki terlalu pintar dan sang wanita mau saja dibodohi...
wanita tidak berusaha untuk keluar dari kebodohonnya
dan itu semakin menggampangkan kerja si lelaki
Coba kita lihat dari beberapa poin yg membedakan lelaki sekarang dan lelaki jaman dahulu
Uang :
zaman sekarang sangatt sudah terbalikk....sekarang justru si lelakilah yang MATREE...memang banyak wanita juga yang matre..tapi maksudnya adalah apakah pantas seorang pria mempunyai sikap seperti itu?? Zaman sekarang sebagian dari pasangan yang banyak mengeluarkan duit adalah sang wanita...sampai dia rela berboong kepada orang tuanya demi membayari si cowok....contoh berikutnya..coba kita perhatikan sekeliling kita...misalnya teman kita...pasti ada seorang lelaki ganteng berpacaran dengan seorang wanita gendut dan berwajah kurang menarikk....sebenarnya si pria tidak begitu menyukai sang wanita tetapi apa mau dikata kalau sang wanita tajirnya setengah mati setengah mampus
Sikap :
saya sangat dapat melihat sikap pria yang suka seenak jidatnya sendiri...contoh ini saya ambil dari kasus orang terdekat saya.....beribu-ribu kali pacarnya meambohongi dia...beribu-ribu kali dia menangis dan memaki-maki...tetapi beribu-ribu kali itu juga dia memberi maaf.....apakah itu dikatakan sayang...menurut saya itu salah...mungkin memang benar si wanita menyayangi si pria..tapi bagaiana dengan si pria...alasan apapun yg membuat dia berbohong...bohong tetaplah bohong...seharusnya apabila dia menyayangi kita walaupun susah pasti dia akan mencoba berkata jujur...


sebenarnya masih banyak contoh-contoh lain...tapi itu juga nggak begitu penting kalo dari dalam diri kita tetap tidak menyadari bahwa sang lelaki sangatlah pintar dalam membodohi sang wanita....
sadarrlahh...itu sudah merupakan tanda dari Tuhan bahwa dia bukan yang terbaik untuk kita...dari pada kita membuang waktu dan terkurung dalam satu orang lelaki yang sudah jelas menyia-nyiakan diri kita...lebih baik kita mencar orang yang jauuuhhh lebih baik untuk kita..yang memang telah Tuhan siapkan untuk kita....memang itu semua sulit...tapi akan jauhh semakin sulit untuk keluar dari permasalahan ini apabila tidak diselesaikan secara cepat.....jadi berusalah untuk lepas dari mereka dan pergilah untuk mencari yang terbaik bagi kita

IBU SRI: One in a Decade Phenomena

If the cycle of the season in Indonesia is approximately 6 months and in the four seasoned country is more or less, 3 months, the appeareance of a personality like Ibu Sri happens only once in a decade. I dont know her well. I only met her during the G20 meeting in Melbourne a couple of years ago. But somehow she has left a very deep impression. I was a public relations officer for the gigantic cubicle at that time. So, the journalists that came with me requested an opportunity to interview her. Her straightforwardness and her conceptual position was really different from most leaders. As far as my country concern, she is probably one in a decade phenomena. The entire time and space conspires with her and foster the unique, strong and smart leadership in her.

The news that broke out lately about her being appointed as one of the managing director for the World Bank has left me with a perturbed feeling. I believe I am not the only one. I am proud of her for there has never been in the history that an Indonesian is offered such a high position in an international organization. However, at the same time I feel sorry for my country. Like I said...she is one in a decade phenomena and my country didnt use the opportunity well.

Some bozos who managed to rob this country have done their utmost to get rid of her and win. We'll see, how long this bozos can stand the storm. The hot money that they earned will one day be the reason that will put them in the disgrace position.

Ibu, I dont know you in person, but from the deepest part of my heart allow me to congratulate you on your new appointment. Everything about you is nothing but a flare of success. I truly believe that the World Bank will benefit a lot from you. And I feel sorry for the fact that our country is not ready to face the concept of clean and honest government for we all still controlled by a bunch of rogues. I'm proud of you Ibu Sri !!!

BIRTHDAY

I still have another 2 months to go before my birthday. I just wonder why people celebrate birthday, as for me it is the time to do some reflection of what has happened and what need to be done. Some people do it on new year's eve, sure it's not a problem. My preference is to do it on my birthday.

My Son's birthday fell on the 15th of April. It was a Thursday. I took a day off to join his birthday celebration at school. As he blew the birthday candle, I could see the glow of happiness shone from his eyes. It grew even more when he distributed the small gifts for his friends. It must have been the party and the fact that he was being the centre of attention that makes him happy.

April 19 is my sister's birthday. She died on the second of February this year. So my mind was set on her all the time. The fact that my training session would be held in Colorado made the memory of her occupy my entire day. I felt a bit moody and empty. My cousin texted me telling me that the flower that my sister had given her was in bloom for the first time. Do you celebrate birthday up there Sis?

April 20 my son arrived home with a bag of sweets and toy. He told me that that day was his best friend's birthday so he took home the gift and took extra care ever since. As with me, I went to the volley ball field and we had a game with another team. After the game was over, someone from the team asked me my age. ? I didnt respond to her instantly, instead my mind was wondering if I told her that I am younger than I am, would she believe in it. Age is sometimes use as an indicator of our actions. If I told her my real age she probably wouldnt believe it.

Birthday is to celebrate the fact that you are given another year to follow. Whether it's equal to happiness or not it depends on each. To those who see it as a celebration, it depends on how sucess ful the celeberation is. To those who had already passed away, their birthdays serve as the day where everyone think of her and link anything possible with her birthday. To those who are who see birthday an aging process, birthday is not a pleasant news.

ORANG UTAN

They call Borneo their home, for more than 60% of the total Orang Utan population live in Borneo, in a small island surrounded by a river. Native to Indonesia, in the rain forest of Sumatra and Kalimantan specifically, Orang Utan is the only Asian living genus of great ape. The word Orang Utan is adopted from Indonesian, in which orang means man and utan means forest.

The forest fire that broke out a couple of times in Kalimantan has left many baby Orang Utan without roof over their head. Thanks to the Borneo Orang Utan Survival Foundation who establishes an education centre in Nyaru Sampang as to prepare the babies to get ready once they are set free in the rain forest.

Nearby Nyaru Sampang there is an island where Orang Utan are set free into their real habitat. Every lunchhour a boat will sail to the island. A bunch of Orang Utan will cluster nearby the boat, waiting for their food. We took Klotok, a small traditional boat, to travel around the island to see the Orang Utan. Even though we arrived behind schedule, we managed to see a big Orang Utan among the branches nearby the riverwith a big plastic on his head to protect himself from the burning sun. He was sitting on the branches in the swampy area nearby the water. The root of the the Rhizophora plants have turned the water black.

THE SPICE ISLAND

Ambon, an island in the eastern part of Indonesia, hampering across 377 Km2 with more than 400 thousands of occupants has once been the most favorite place of the Dutch colony, called spice island. Recently a religious conflict between Islam and Christian broke out. The long drawn out conflict is now over.

The conflict has left most of the areas neglected. A once known as a clean and pleasant place to visit, feels more like a place where only the fittest survive. Attention is now directed to rebuild the economy. It is a common practice that economic development can not escape from the claw of politics. The physical conflict is over, yet the invisible conflicts are still silently murmured. There will be a possibility that religion will again be utilized to disguise the political battle. When the talking animals are in conflict, the presence of Leviathan is in need.

MOVIE REVIEW: THE CENTURION GATE
RATING: R for violence and language

Starring the notorious Rogue, bozo, clowns.

Post election, a moment which is normally cramped with consolidations, worked the reverse way in the land of opportunists, called Indamnesia. An evil genius, Rogue, seeks to conquer the ruling party in Indamnesia ; he is assisted by a bunch of thugs and an army clowns.

There were two types of Clowns: Big Nosey Clowns, the most commonly seen clowns, are walking funny robots with laser blasters for arms, while the Respectful clowns are specialized indisguised backstabber armed with invisible missiles and lasers. They are joined on many occasions except when the steel yard that measures power indicates a reverse position than the previous. At such time, the Respectful Clowns, wearing armany clad, appeared as the wise to backstab for the benefit of any enemies that would share their power with them. Whoever win, the respectful clowns win, be it the Rogue or the ruling party.

Unlike all the well directed scenes and the well crafted cinematography that depict the battle, the movie was dominated by physical conflicts and obscene language. In an interview the extreme wealth Bozo, who intelectually directed this movie, admitted that such fact and claimed that such is very common in order to bring up the main theme of the movie which is "Extreme Power". He also claimed that his movie has gone beyond the ordinary soap operas and deserves to be reffered as a breakthrough in the movie industry. The fact that it is rated as R for violence and language, doesn't change the reality that this movie is nominated for an award in the forthcoming rat carpet event.

BEHIND NUMBERS

One of the assignment that I have to deal with next week is presenting the economic dimension of globalization. It is assigned to me about a month ago, but I find it extremely difficult since economy sounds Greek to me. Another thing, I dont like numbers, in fact I hate numbers and I begin to stronly believe that the more you hate something or somebody, the more you have to deal with it.

The article, written by Paul Bairoch, is full of numbers. It's a historical trajectories and he analyzes a series of data on international trade to see the long term impact of them. I am quite lucky that two friends of mine happen to major in economy and expert in the area of finance. So they explain the economy theory on international trade as a background for me to read the article.

Bairoch notices the increase of GDP commencing as of pre world war 1 up to the 1996. However those number represent the economy of the developed countries, which represent only 15% of the total population. 85% of them are obliterated from the discussion of growth. Aside from the noted increase that has been recorded by the developed countries, they have entered a negative phase of the economic, especially social plains. Bairoch mentioned 6 characteristics of which I quoted only three major ones: a growing inequality in the distribution of revenue, greater employment instability, a more negative evolution in unskilled labor conditions; lower salaries and loss of jobs.

The numbers have succeeded in creating the myth of growth, whereas behind them there are reality that goes to the opposite direction. In the end, I have every reason to dislike numbers though the more I dislike it the more they stick with me. One last request, Wish me luck with my presentation, that's all I need for the time being !!!

I OWE YOU

I feel like I have been ran over by a truck. It's not the title of a song, but this is the soreness that's been biting my bones and muscles after going back to sport. I didn't respond positively to the invitation to join the volley ball team in my office. It's not after a couple of times of invitation until I said yes. I felt a little bit awkward in the beginning since I haven't been playing volley ball for ages. The last time was more than 10 years ago.

After the first training program I could hardly drive myself home. I was so worn out and felt numb all over my feet. The second training was no better than the first. The disturbed sleep was accompanied by a severe headache. I don't know if I would continue to be part of the team. One thing I know for sure, it brings me back the memory of the past. The time when sport open up my horizon to this world.

I used to be one of the National Volley Ball player. I did not belong to the celebrities of the national volley ball team of my time for I was only part of the team from 1983 to 1985. I started very young, but quit 4 years later to focus on my studies. I came back again right after I had finished my studies and was invited to join the national team. Two years afterward I decided to get married and quit. It was not a very dazzling career in sport but I realized the consequences of my choice.

Despite of the short tenure of my career in sport, I should have admitted that I gained more than the efforts that I spent in sport. I learn about collaborating with others and do my best to achieve our shared vision. I know what it meant to spend my last drop of sweat for the sake of reaching our dream. In short, I owe my present life to sport!!!

WELCOME A NEW DAY!

The hustle and bustle of the traffic in a big city is the typical flavour of living in Jakarta. Traffic congestion is something that everybody has to deal with, especially during the rush hour. All the streets are all bogged down by the amount of traffic. The more people get used to it, the more impatient they became. As a consequence they wake up in the morning, with heads stuffed with expectation to deal with the traffic congestion. They dashed off to work as to be able to avoid the traffic.

The expectation then turns into reality. As people drive, they are then sucked up by the congestion and got burried in the graveyard of the traffic. In next to no time, they will get irritated and spit out curses if not four letter words. Car drivers blame the motorbikers, and so do the opposite. Pedestrians are not considered liable to use the street. If cursing is considered as a crime, then the statistic for crime in the traffic will probably recorded the highest rate.

I am no better than the rest of the people when it deals with traffic. With my negative expectation in my head, I get easlly irritated by the traffic. And, yes... I spit out curses. It has turned into such a habit that it has never come across my mind that I'm no better than those people that annoyed me. There were times that I tried to control myself but the intention almost immediately dispersed into the thin air.

This morning I tuned into a radio station, broadcasting the topic on happiness. "Happiness is about how you control yourself to see things. Happiness is not about the things itself, but happiness is about you. To speak the language of the common, happiness is not about the money that you put into the stockmarket, or about your fancy cars. Happiness is about how you perceive things around you. So YOU are the creator of happiness."

I sat silently behind the steering wheel. The words penetrated deep into my mind. It's not the traffic that irritates me, but it is how I perceive the traffic that irritates me. If I choose to cool off and not to follow the negative expectation that dwells in my head, things would probably end up far beyond getting irritated and depressed. I miss the YOU in me, my freedom to become myself.

REFLECTION

The news that my uncle died in Cirebon has brought my husband away for the entire week end. He represented the entire family and went to Cirebon with my brother in law and my uncle. Two of my children went to watch Java Jazz, commencing as of Friday to Sunday. So I was home with my son during the entire week end.

Saturday morning, I took my son for a short drive and went to the ATM to solve some unsettled bills. Then we drove through the neighbourhood and had a mother-to-son talk. The house felt empty. I tried to read some articles, but after an hour of two, I got bored and decided to do something else.

I laid down quietly in my bed. My mind was wandering in the wilderness of my thoughts. One scene after another came into my view, be it the past or the castle in the sky. I assembled the circle of causalities, one into another until my mind was focused on one issue: have I been a good person?

I felt like broken beats toyed by the wind. Whirling and twirling in the sky aimlessly. I tried to find what's lacking in me. It's I, I and I concealed behind the me...me...and me... . The world is evolved around me. I had been very occupied with myself until I forget the facts that the world is so full of others. Those others are reflection of my relationship with God. As I ingore the others, then I ignore God. My relations to God is a mechanistic relationship, a habitus. I go to church and pray because that's how I had been brought up by my mom.

"Dear Lord, forgive me! Dear others, I want to be part of you!"

ANOTHER BATTLE TO TAME

The room was filled with the cold freezing artifical air. All the desks and chairs were empty, except four at the front row. One lady and 3 gentlemen, looking firm and powerful occupied those desks and chairs. They gave me a stern look which made me shivered a little bit. I told myself that this is my floor, ready or not.

I took my books and papers out and put them in orderly manner on the desk. I straightened my throat to keep my articulation clear and sonorous. "I focus my research on the human side of Learning Organization. Human being...." I heard my own voice echoing in the empty room. I didnt really remember what I told them, all I wanted to do at that time was making things clear to them and got over it as soon as I can. I followed exactly the line of thoughts that I had prepared at home. The 15 minutes was soon over and I was sweating as opposed to the cold air that stinge my pores.

Those faces in front of me were expresionless. They purposely let silence fall in between us, and I swear that those moments were torturing me like death. Then the lady took over the situation. She opened up her sweet lips and shoot me with her questions. It was not just one question, but a couple of questions. I took a deep breath as to be able to overcome the pressure that she gave me with her questions. I reassembled my thoughts and began to answer her. One after another, we both jumped into a serious discussion until she finally looked reassured.

The next examiner added some more pressure as he threw some more questions. He was definitely showing his mastery over my proposal as he left me with two unaswered questions. But that was my battle, so I had to make sure that I could balance his questions. The following examiner took me even further to the unknown strange land. He posed questions I didnt and never thought that he would ask. Foucault, he wanted me to include Foucault in my research. That name I know, but what I know is just a name. I was totally numb when he was pushing me to adopt foucauldian concept. How could I say yes or no when I didnt know foucault. I took an in between position and nodded my head without saying a word.

The final examiner was my promotor. He knew that I had been out of breath. He wrapped up all the concerns and added one light question before he finally concluded the examination. I didnt care about the result at that time, for the only important thing for me was to get over it. They sat again in silence before they asked me to wait outside.

I sat on the stairs outside, sweating all over. Thousands of fears were chirping around my head. I was only waiting for 5 minutes, but I felt like ages. My promotor opened the door. I was startled and stood. He threw a glance and invited me to get inside the room. The four of them gave me a deep look. I looked at each of them, expecting to read a sign of hope. But they were again blank. My promotor stood and walked to my desk. He stopped for a second and said: "Congratulation, you are now a doctorate candidate. You need to make corrections on your proposal and submitted to me within a two-week-time."

All of a sudden, the cold air turned warm. So were their faces as they smiled and shook my hands. I went outside the class and screamed. My friends who were waiting at the end of the stairs laughed in delight. The joy was so empowering that I felt like I owned the thousands of stars in the sky. For a moment it was a relief. When I say for a moment I really mean it for I realize that I still have another battle to be tamed.

THE PUPPET SHOW

Yesterday I attended an official ceremony. The giant cubicle launched the learning centre. The CEO was there with 2 other member of the board and many other CEOs and directors. The ceremony itself ran like many other ceremonies, full with speeches.

The opening part in every speech is probably the longest and yet the less meaningful part of the speech. Every honorable guests have to be mentioned prior to the longest greetings that followed. I specifically timed it and it took one minute all together. Then came the main content. The content as always mentioned all the prestigious achievements of the institution. In simple language, this is how it sounds, we have done this, we have done that, and this is one among the few, and then followed by big applauses from the audience. In a glimpse, one get the impression that this is wouw....!!! However if you digest it slowly and dig it deeper, it's nothing but a series of number which later on will turn into ashes.

Then came the final part of the speech. It mostly comprises thankful expressions to those contributes to the program. And of course the name of the CEO and the member of the boards have to be there. The little guy who has done his utmost and contributed to most of it, is as always forgotten. He stood there smiling in the corner of the room, happy to see his product being adopted by the big people.

After the closing ceremony, then came the time when everybody went to their car. A light chit and chat went along the way. The CEO stopped for a while and gave a comment on a tree. Everyone directed their attention to the spot and gave similar comment. They all laugh together.

The CEO went into his car and off he went. The remaining of people took a deep breath and gave a long sigh of relief, gulping for the air of freedom.

WHEN THE DEVIL SPEAKS THE TRUTH

My words are mostly sharp. Yes I admit it! But you have to admit that my actions are very soft. I dont walk the talk. I just need to express my emotion. You may argue that being an adult I shouldnt have done it. Yes, again you are right. By hook or by crook, I am just an ordinary being of flesh and blood. I am familiar with the words, exhausted, sick and pain, and bored. I need new fresh air to breathe, and most of all I need a shoulder to cry on.

I am not like other parents. I dont even know if I am being good parents or not! I just try to be one. I cant be nearby all of you at the time that you need me most. I try to compensate though.... but I do understand that compensation is not always interpreted as 'compensation' in the way I mean it to be or you expect it to be.

I might not be the other part of him. Hell, I am not. If other try to find another shoulder to cry on, I only seek for another time and space to cry on. I dont prepare his coffe and sit next to him to watch a television program. I sit in my own isolation with my books and thoughts.

I am not a good daughter. Forgive me, Mama. I dont treasure you the way others treasure their parents. I get trapped in my own illusionary world. I sat on my own and become indolent. I know I'm gonna regret it should any bad things occur to you.

I am not a good sister. I focus on my own family and leave out my attention for my sister. I'm just affraid if I get too close then I would be drifted away by her problems. She is always in trouble. When I say always, I really mean it. It's not about luck, it is simply about atittude.

I am being nice to myself. Only!!!

When the devil speaks the truth, do you believe it???

ORA et LABORA

I was flying rather than driving to campus yesterday. The last minute call to join a meeting had turned my schedule upside down. I had made an appointment with one of my co-promotor after office hours at 17.00. My supervisor suddenly called me and asked me to sit in a meeting to discuss our project. I was like sitting on a stove, wanting to contribute but at the same time had to dash off for my personal appointment.

It's not an ordinary day! On the 4th of March I will be defending my proposal for my postgraduate studies. Yesterday I had an appointment to discuss how the examination would be held. I was so late for the meeting ended at exactly 17.00. I texted my co-promotor and told her that I would be late. Lucky me that she responded nicely, but deep down I know that I would miss lots of my opportunity to discuss with her. And yes.... we only discuss the technical details of the examination and missed the opportunity to dig down the possible issues further. I told myself that I had to compensate the missing opportunity at nite.

I had ample slept last nite. I tried to concentrate and read the main literature that would support me on the 4th. However, I got so disorganized until it turned out to be an array of incomplete puzzles. Pheww... I drowned myself deeper.

When I dont know whatelse to do, the only thing that cross my mind is asking for God's intervention to assist me, though deep down inside I know that it's 'Ora et Labora'. Dear Lord... please help me to get over it, be it the sun or the moon, black or white, darkness or light.

I then tried to sleep, but woke up again, and decided to pray again. This time.....:"Dear Lord, forgive me, can I have the sun instead of the moon, and white instead of black, and the light instead of darkness??? Pleaseeeeeee...............????

I SEE MY FUTURE IN ME

The seminar was finally conducted and, yes, we managed to do it well. It is hard to imagine all the hustle and bustle that we had to go through, in preparation for the seminar. I was in charge of developing the term of reference and dealing with the presenters. It is easy for me to find the presenters, however, it is not easy to turn their tacit knowledge into explicit in the shape and string of thoughts that I want it to happen.

As from my personal opinion, I still find some areas that can be improved. The speakers and the Term of Reference should have been better alligned. (I was pointing my finger to myself). I could have made a more detailed Term of References and requested the speakers to submit their presentation material a week prior to the event. As such, I would be able to control the messages conveyed to the audience. So one improvement can hit two birds.

As for the place and event organization, we could have ended up in a more effiecient manner should we be able to make faster and smoother decisions and deal with all the vendors earlier. We were rushing at the last minute, lost our bargaining position and had to play along with any terms and conditions that had been offered to us.

I see the ray of hope rising in my horizon, I see the opportunity for me to do my own action. In the future I can run my own seminars, training and research. Whatever I am currently up to is nothing but fields of exercises to prepare my readiness. The future here I come...ready or not... I have to stand on my own feet.

A FAMILY DAY OUT

This calender year has granted us a 3 day off, commencing as of Friday to Sunday. So we decided to spend it in Bandung. We left early in the morning and went back in the afternoon. The kids always love to go to Bandung. The food is good and the city itself provides us with a different ambiance.

THE GARDEN OF MY WILD DREAMS



In the backyard of my house, I built the garden of my wild dreams.

ONE DAY WE'LL ALL FLY AWAY

My sister died at the age of 53 right in the beginning of the year of 2010. She had been suffering from cancer for exactly 2 years. The doctor had told her in January 2008 that she had only another 2 years to live. That was precisely predicted.
I had been very close to her. We grew up together and shared so many sisterhood stories. She loves me in fact she loves everybody, but I know, me and mom had occupied special spots in her life. I had been a stubborn spoiled kid and she had been a real sister to me. There were times when I put her in a-not-good-situation and she was mad at me only for one or two days... the rest she turned back into my loving sister.
She moved to the United States and Japan, but our sisterhood remained as close as ever. The time while she was there, she took care of all of us... one by one. I had spent countless holidays with her. During my one of my business trip to US, I spent two days in LA and so did she. At nite time, we both sat on the sofa and starred at the Disney fireworks while tracing the memory of our childhood. On the way home from another business trip to Germany. She came to Holland and we both stayed at my brother's place. It is too painful for me to remember her expression and my brother's statement. My brother said: "I cant hardly believe that the three of us are here." She said nothing but starred at me. That was the longest gaze I had ever received from her.
This morning while I was driving, her picture came again into my vision and I could not help it anymore. I called my mom and told her how much I miss my sister. My mom said:"I am 87 and I probably the one who is supposed to miss her more than anybodyelse. She is my daughter who came out of my womb. I breastfed her and raised her into a person I am so proud of. She is one of the best thing God has ever given to me. But at nite time I always pray, please Lord, dont let me regret the fact that she died for It's like regreting all the things that you had brought into my life. If there is a possiblity for me to deny just any of them, simply because it brings along with it an unhappy dimension, then there is also the possiblity that I might loose all the joyful parts and the delights that I had had in this life. I keep the unhappy parts for I know I had enjoyed more out of the happy parts.
One day we'll all fly away... no one can stop it to happen....and some other people would fill our positions... whimpering and weeping...yearning for us, our love, if we have shared some.

THE NEED TO BE UPDATED LIST

It's 2010. I havent been visiting this blog for more than a year. So many things have happened to my life. I would have said the one year that had passed was the moment of dellirium.
1. My other child has turned 17, and I promise to write something about them when they reach the age of 17. So my next posts would probably be around her and my little son.
2. My sister died right when the gate to the year of 2010 was opened. I felt as if a part of me have gone with her. She is my soul.... life after her is nothing but a sequence that I have to follow...
3. I try my best to get my phd...though I dont know if I could make it... If somebody ask me...why do I have to go through all these efforts... then my answer is.... I dont know...
4. My work and the gigantic cubicle is still a hot issue. This might be the most interesting part of my life... funny people and funny place...
5. My "love life" has turned sour... it's not that I dont love him anymore but the fact that time have turned us into strangers one from another can not be denied....
6. I dived to deep into the ocean of life and forget to emerge to get oxygen... as a consequence.. you simply can guess.... i'm out of breath.
Need to wrap up...for I have to race to the campus.... campuS...here I come....ready or not... face it.