Thursday, September 25, 2014


Family has a special meaning to  everyone. They are the closest person in life. I am not an  exception. I love my family. I could not describe a typical relationships that occured among Ma, my sisters, my brother and me. I could not mention Pa, for he had run away from being a father to us. Pa is a word that bears no meaning  to me. Once or twice, I did wonder how it felt to have a father. But I'm used to it so it vanished into the thin air as life goes on. Ma has always been there for me. I remember riding in a becak when I was only 7 years. I sat on her  lap and listened to her heartbeat. Her pendant was glittering and glimmering as the becak rode accross the darkness of  the night. Why it sticks in my mind, I can  not explain. The most probable reason was her heartbeat.
As I grew up I felt that family was my elder sister, ma and me. We grew up together. We had fights for stupid reasons, the fights that bound us together. I pretended that I was older, because I knew she took me whoever and whatever I am. She loved me more than she loved herself. Her death was the greatest lost I have ever had. I remember  the moment when she held me in my arms and waited for mom at the place where they put her off from office bus. Mom  brought us a banana and we shared them together. As always my part was bigger than hers. I was not hungry, it happened because she let it happen. It was not the banana but it was the  feeling that she put me first rather than herself. (If you read this sis, I want to thank you for all the things that words can not describe).
My brother and my eldest sister were ways older than us. They had their own life and peers. They did not spend much time with us. There were times,  I asked myself how I felt for them. I could not describe the  feelings. I was like facing an  empty mirror in  which my reflection was not there. I could not describe what I saw, because I saw nothing.  Have I not shared some moments with them? I do and I did.
As I grew up my elder  sister brought me closer  to my brother. We spent a couple  of holidays together. I still remember the moment when my brother looked at both of us closely and deeply. He  suddenly spurred some words that hooked the fish in my heart. "I felt like a dream to have you  both here with me. I'm so happy. The words were so sincere but the look was more than everything.
I have my own family now. I have lost my elder sister. No more week end phone calls. No more nights where she cried in pains, no more complains, btw, both of us love to complain. I have only ma staying with me. She stays with me forever, from the day I was born until today. Let me call it forever, for if something happens to any of us, we have had shared our moments forever.

Sunday, August 24, 2014


 Do not let anyone make you feel  that you are a bad person. It will brainwash you and penetrate deep into your mind and affect not only your belief  but your actions as well. Everyperson has their  own  good sides, try to look at it with your own  perspective. Let me help you to trace them:
Remember the moments when you take care of your sister and brother. They are the most beautiful moments. A golden moments if I may say. Remember your little brother how he feels so attached to you? A child feels, they do not  think for  they are  still a child. So invest on your kind heart to others, for they are your asset.
Bailing out your friends are also the best values that you possess. You take care of your friends no matter how much they make you suffer. You stay loyal to your friends. The case when you bail out your friend from a prison....I really hate it...yet on  the  other side, I am so proud of you. You know what loyal means and most of all you know how to love a person wholeheartedly.  
How I remember the girl and  lady who show so much affections to others, to grandma, to grandpa, and relatives. A phone call from your cousins and there goes your money. You protect them, you help them.  They are all good values that no one I could compare with.
So do not worry too much. You are a good person. All that you need to do is directing the good values into the right direction. Some people do not deserve to be treated good and you are not to blame for that.
Before I end this piece, let  me tell you how sorry I am  for not being able to be there to support you. Looking at it from  the positive side, maybe He wants you to stand on your own two feet to face it and take a wise decision for your own good sake. I will always be there for you be it physically or through my prayers and supports. Just remember one  thing, you are a good person and  firmly believe in it. Remember about the dreams that I told you.... build your own dreams....dont let anyone build them  for you. It has  to be your dreams.

Saturday, July 12, 2014


I am fifty six today. I was fifty five yesterday. Fifty five brought  new perspectives about life and children to  me. The things that has been  inhabited my cognition has slowly been translated into  my action. Sometimes I wonder if it is to late for me to make changes. But then I realize, late is an expression created to fill the gap of the opposite of early. Just do and believe that wonderful things will happen. As long as you do "positive" things, His blessings will always be part of it.
I feel a bit awkward when my husband and children woke me up at 12.00. I have never been treated like this before. Ooops I did, once, last year. Thanks to my daughters who bring a new meaning to birthdays. I had learned to accept birthday as a "not-important-day". Simply because I had not been treated that way, I changed my definition  of birthday. It was immature of me. I was like a looser who lost the battle of life and surrendered. Thanks to my lovely children who now are more my gurus rather than  the other way round. They are their own person and will soon become the pattern or  model that others would copy or go against. Hopefully they are ready for this battle.
I love my children. The love that has gradually changed. I started with an  aim to craft and possess children into  the model that I learn from books. I later on  realize, they are my dreams, but my children have their own  dreams. I could not be what I dream of, how can I turn them into my dreams.  I begin to learn to let them follow their own dreams. I am here, ready to be your partner to discuss dreams. Dreams can be good but dreams can also be dangerous. Dream the dreams of your own, dont let other people put their dreams into your head.

Sunday, June 15, 2014


I have been using the services of Automated Teller Machine or ATM for sometimes. It is an electronic banking outlet, which assists me to complete  my transactions. However I have never put another thought on it. I draw my cash or pay my transactions and that's it. Even if I pass ATM I dont even put a special notice on it.
It changed one night after I had had a dream. An exremely weird dream. In my dream I am not me. I am an ATM. Many people came to use my services. Sometimes the queu of people are very long. I have to make sure that I can be of full service to all those people. The money has to  be there, always. A man and a beautiful girl kicked me because I ran out of money. There were also  another occasions in  which they totally ignored me because of the same reason. Deep down in my heart I was hoping they would help me and call my head office to report that I'm out of cash. But that was my hope and my hope are not the customers'.
During my dream, I asked my customers what do they need all those money for? I did not get a response, they did not even notice my question. Then I realize, I am just an ATM, I dont deserve an explanation. All I have to do is provide services to those who need cash and make sure I dont fail to do so.
That dream ended that night. I woke up from my dream and could  not help myself from thinking about it. The dream stopped but the thoughts are alive, even up to the moments of writing this story. I just wonder how my customers could survive if they are not allowed to use my services. They will probably go straight to the bank to draw cash or they go to another ATM. Again, it is only my thoughts, my thoughts are not theirs.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014


The teaching sessions to prepare teachers for the billingual program will be over  this week end. The lessons that I learnt from the program are enormous. I found blank spots here and there. Some of them are as follows:
1. Goals. The adopted approach is based on taxonomy Bloom. Most are familiar with it, but then implementing it into the teaching process is another issue. Some do not understand the difference among, cognitive, affective and psychomotoric. In spite of the so many critics conveyed to the approach, one can always make adjustments here, there and everywhere. How can you make adjustments when you dont even understand the concept. How can you define your goals? Most goals are either cognitive or psychomotoric. Affection has no place, while affection has a huge impact on cognitive and psychomotoric goals.
2. Lesson plan. Most teachers are confused about the difference between lesson planning and curriculum. Being confused does not lead them to find the answers, but they stay drawning in the wave of confusion.  I wonder if teachers feel the urge to make a lesson plan before teaching.
3. Creativity. I dont blame teachers for lacking of creativity. They are also the victims of the negative pictures of rationality. I always remind them about the generation who can  draw two mountains and the sun in  between. They are the product of this generation, including me. It has been there and it is not easy to combat  them. Creativity had always been a sin. If you go out of the set standards, you are wrong. This phenomena are everywhere in all areas of life, including education. So teachers follow the standards.
4. Teaching methodology. Most teachers love to hear their own voice. So they spend most of  the teaching session talking. The students listen and try to memorize, yes memorize, the words. Participation which  is the main door to understanding is totally closed and locked. It is a habit that has been inherited from  the past and remain  alive until today. It is not easy to ask teachers to open the door and provide room for the students to contribute their experience. Teachers still have the believe that they know more than the students. Believe it or not, students actually know a lot more  for they are the generation who has access to Mr. Google and know how to manipulate it.
5. Teachers complain of being the second class citizenship. My comment: who can make you the first class citizens unless you do it yourself?
6. Schools are owned either by the Government or by Foundations.  I wonder if the Government and those who are  in charge of the foundations do really understand what educations are. Stop regulating until you really know what educations are.
My project will be over soon. I really look forward to cooperate with teachers to improve together.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014


My name is Luciana. She mentioned her name boldly. A typical girl of 24 years stood next to me in front of the mirror. We both have just finished swimming. I watched her image closely in the mirror. Her short hair was still wet and she dried them up with a towel. Then she smiled at me and asked me : "Do you swim everyday?
"No, I swim every other day.  Actually I’m a diabetic patient, so I need to do sport to tone down my glucose level," I must have said them out of self pity.
"Ooh  my dad is also a diabetic patient. My dad, my mom and I swim everyday. I’m proud of my dad.  Once his glucose level had reached more than 500 but still he managed to drive home with his motor cycle."
I did not say a word out of shock. Then I diverted the conversation to get away from shame: “Do you work?”
She said: "Yes, but I quit because I want to take my postgraduate degree."
"So, here you are accompanying your  dad swimming. That’s nice!"
She smiled and stopped drying her hair. She looked at me deeply and said: "He accompanied my mother actually. My mom suffered from Leukemia." 
This time I was even more shocked. Out of my shock and confusion I said: "You are the nicest girl  for you take care of them."
She stood there staring at me. "We take care of each other.   I suffer from leaking heart valve."
This morning I saw her again in the swimming pool. I saw her taking care of an old thin lady and a grey haired man. They have been a point of my observation before. I had been wondering what are they trying to achieve, learning how to swim at old age.
This morning she did not recognize me, for our conversation was just a fleeting moment. A moment that Luciana have to go through, just like the rest of the other moments. But for me, the moment that has alerted me from my dream of self  pity. Thank you Luciana, you add another dimension into my life.

Sunday, May 18, 2014


If the sun can ease the  pain, I will burn myself with the rays
If the tears can subside the angst, I will make the ocean overflow
If silence can dampen the chaotic battle inside of me, I will keep both ears closed
Unfortunately the sun is there to light up the day
and keep us alive everyday
There is no promise of light without darkness
Regretably, tears can ease the angst for a while, it is still sticks there until time shunt it sideways
Tears have never been meant to exist without laugters.
Sadly silence can only deafen my ears, while the battle is there to continue. Being deaf does not mean  that the world stop evolving around the sun.
Maybe I focus too much on the pain, the angst and the chaotic battle. And maybe I focus too much on myself. And maybe I forget to answer the question of life: Have you counted your blessings?