Monday, December 01, 2014


December is knocking at my door. Somehow I feel uneasy with time. It flies and it is impossible to stop. The dreams that haunted me in my childhood and teens are again wide awake. I keep a handful of dreams in  the palm of my right hand. I have to mould and turn them into reality. As I grow older, the magic power fades away.  I hold the gold dust tightly in the palm  of my hand. I notice the  leak, I notice the gold dust slowly and gently slip through my fingers and fly into nothingness.
It's now or never. Dear Lord, have merci on me. Let me survive. Let me hold all the dreams in my hand and make them come  true. Let this Chrismast be my Christmast.

Thursday, November 27, 2014


 Saying good bye to the heart of peace and love. Walking aimlessly to the unknown dessert. Loosing sanity in the wild  journey of  wisdom. Holding strong to the grip of reality. Welcoming the liars and the drama queen to the world of complexity.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014


After a long long wait it rains again in the land of  Watcumecolit. I have been living there for more than 29 years. The last time that the rain touched my burning skin  was 10 years ago. The long draught has created such a disarrayment to the nature. The earth gradually turns shabby and scrubby. The biting reality has left a wrinkly face with deep fractures and scars. The heavily dusty earth has made the nature loose her beauty. Old and gruesome like a diabetic patient whose left feet has already been burried in the cemetery.
The trees  has not left a trace of leaves in them. At night, when the dryness eased its grip, the naked body and arms  stood like the bloodcurdling shadows, chasing the dreams of  tomorrow out of everyone's mind. The petrifying nights, although not better than the sickening daylight, up lifted the tense of life a bit. It offered a moment of fantasy that would turn life sour as the sun appears. The dream is no longer there. The draught turned even severe.
The rain is a blessing that no word can  describe. It falls into the lap of the universe and heals the wound of  the earth. The trees begin to dance again blissfully. The song of joy fills the air and alter the dusty face of the earth into a more than just the beauty of a miss peagant. It's an angel from heaven sent to shower  life with His blessings. A beauty and glory at the same time. The face begin to show its genuine truth. Her cheeks turn full as the red  apple that grow in summer. Her hair changes into an embroidery silky veils of a bride. It dances gracefully with the wind.
However, the bestowed blessings are not there forever. Draught will soon be back unnotified . So will the rain. The only thing we have is the experience. We learn how to survive during the draught and we learn how to preserve the wealth of the rain to keep us alive. Dryness is not there for  nothing. It enriches our appreciation of the blessings of  the rain.

Friday, November 14, 2014


Death has flapped her wings again and took a lady away two  days ago. I know this lady. I saw her sleeping silently in the coffin. We might not say much words when you were still alive, but I honestly adore you. Death flew over  their house for the second time. Last year, she took the father. Hardly had their tears dried, when she took the mom.
Her little angel was there. I wonder what's  the meaning of death to the little angel. Is it a scarry word? or does it mean tears? It could have any meanings to her. I can not grab what's inside her mind. She's too little. I saw the lady's son standing right accross me next to the coffin. He stood there. His lips were tightly sealed. Was he trying to hide the sorrow, or had he run out of tears. My mind crawled into the past. The face of her eldest daughter whom I often watch closely came into my view. Just  the three of them in the wild hand of reality.
Reality will push them to grow up beyond their age. After the funeral tomorrow, a big question will hang over the sky. Who's going to be in  charge of them? Hopefully the sun will be there to lighten up their days. Should it be the cloudy sky, face it with courage for the naked reality is there. Whether you like it or not you have to face the battle.   Let me call you the survivors, for you will definitely survive.  My prayers are with you.


I know you feel battered. I know you feel drown in a deep sorrow. But I also know that you have learned a lot about life. The lessons that I have never ever given you. The lessons that you explore on you own in the journey of loneliness. There were crowds of people around, but they are not your crowd. You thought they were yours and that was good. Because you felt that you were not alone in  the beginning. As the sun moves higher and the life is getting hotter and dry, those whom you thought were your crowd slowly melt away. The loneliness is biting you now. The feeling of being neglected and ignored.
I admit that I have never let you go through those journeys. I knew that they were going to hurt you. I made the journey tougher and harder for you, because I had never prepared you to go through it. God always knows what's best. I did not do my part. He made you go through it His way. You have learned it the hardway, yet that's the best way.
I know, one day,when my time arrives you are more than  ready to take over my place and yet be your own person. To watch over your sister, brother and Pa. It won't be easy though, but it is another battle to tame. Life is not free of battles and those battles make your life meaningful and create the real person in you.
I heard the wind outside. Let me blow my prayer to where ever you are now. God doesn't recognize boundaries. In the office, in the meeting or any place that you name, He  brings the blessings to your life, right onto your lap. Grab it for we never know what's coming tomorrow.

Thursday, September 25, 2014


Family has a special meaning to  everyone. They are the closest person in life. I am not an  exception. I love my family. I could not describe a typical relationships that occured among Ma, my sisters, my brother and me. I could not mention Pa, for he had run away from being a father to us. Pa is a word that bears no meaning  to me. Once or twice, I did wonder how it felt to have a father. But I'm used to it so it vanished into the thin air as life goes on. Ma has always been there for me. I remember riding in a becak when I was only 7 years. I sat on her  lap and listened to her heartbeat. Her pendant was glittering and glimmering as the becak rode accross the darkness of  the night. Why it sticks in my mind, I can  not explain. The most probable reason was her heartbeat.
As I grew up I felt that family was my elder sister, ma and me. We grew up together. We had fights for stupid reasons, the fights that bound us together. I pretended that I was older, because I knew she took me whoever and whatever I am. She loved me more than she loved herself. Her death was the greatest lost I have ever had. I remember  the moment when she held me in my arms and waited for mom at the place where they put her off from office bus. Mom  brought us a banana and we shared them together. As always my part was bigger than hers. I was not hungry, it happened because she let it happen. It was not the banana but it was the  feeling that she put me first rather than herself. (If you read this sis, I want to thank you for all the things that words can not describe).
My brother and my eldest sister were ways older than us. They had their own life and peers. They did not spend much time with us. There were times,  I asked myself how I felt for them. I could not describe the  feelings. I was like facing an  empty mirror in  which my reflection was not there. I could not describe what I saw, because I saw nothing.  Have I not shared some moments with them? I do and I did.
As I grew up my elder  sister brought me closer  to my brother. We spent a couple  of holidays together. I still remember the moment when my brother looked at both of us closely and deeply. He  suddenly spurred some words that hooked the fish in my heart. "I felt like a dream to have you  both here with me. I'm so happy. The words were so sincere but the look was more than everything.
I have my own family now. I have lost my elder sister. No more week end phone calls. No more nights where she cried in pains, no more complains, btw, both of us love to complain. I have only ma staying with me. She stays with me forever, from the day I was born until today. Let me call it forever, for if something happens to any of us, we have had shared our moments forever.

Sunday, August 24, 2014


 Do not let anyone make you feel  that you are a bad person. It will brainwash you and penetrate deep into your mind and affect not only your belief  but your actions as well. Everyperson has their  own  good sides, try to look at it with your own  perspective. Let me help you to trace them:
Remember the moments when you take care of your sister and brother. They are the most beautiful moments. A golden moments if I may say. Remember your little brother how he feels so attached to you? A child feels, they do not  think for  they are  still a child. So invest on your kind heart to others, for they are your asset.
Bailing out your friends are also the best values that you possess. You take care of your friends no matter how much they make you suffer. You stay loyal to your friends. The case when you bail out your friend from a prison....I really hate it...yet on  the  other side, I am so proud of you. You know what loyal means and most of all you know how to love a person wholeheartedly.  
How I remember the girl and  lady who show so much affections to others, to grandma, to grandpa, and relatives. A phone call from your cousins and there goes your money. You protect them, you help them.  They are all good values that no one I could compare with.
So do not worry too much. You are a good person. All that you need to do is directing the good values into the right direction. Some people do not deserve to be treated good and you are not to blame for that.
Before I end this piece, let  me tell you how sorry I am  for not being able to be there to support you. Looking at it from  the positive side, maybe He wants you to stand on your own two feet to face it and take a wise decision for your own good sake. I will always be there for you be it physically or through my prayers and supports. Just remember one  thing, you are a good person and  firmly believe in it. Remember about the dreams that I told you.... build your own dreams....dont let anyone build them  for you. It has  to be your dreams.

Saturday, July 12, 2014


I am fifty six today. I was fifty five yesterday. Fifty five brought  new perspectives about life and children to  me. The things that has been  inhabited my cognition has slowly been translated into  my action. Sometimes I wonder if it is to late for me to make changes. But then I realize, late is an expression created to fill the gap of the opposite of early. Just do and believe that wonderful things will happen. As long as you do "positive" things, His blessings will always be part of it.
I feel a bit awkward when my husband and children woke me up at 12.00. I have never been treated like this before. Ooops I did, once, last year. Thanks to my daughters who bring a new meaning to birthdays. I had learned to accept birthday as a "not-important-day". Simply because I had not been treated that way, I changed my definition  of birthday. It was immature of me. I was like a looser who lost the battle of life and surrendered. Thanks to my lovely children who now are more my gurus rather than  the other way round. They are their own person and will soon become the pattern or  model that others would copy or go against. Hopefully they are ready for this battle.
I love my children. The love that has gradually changed. I started with an  aim to craft and possess children into  the model that I learn from books. I later on  realize, they are my dreams, but my children have their own  dreams. I could not be what I dream of, how can I turn them into my dreams.  I begin to learn to let them follow their own dreams. I am here, ready to be your partner to discuss dreams. Dreams can be good but dreams can also be dangerous. Dream the dreams of your own, dont let other people put their dreams into your head.