Friday, May 04, 2018


Curfew is my best buddy.  Only the owl and silence dwell...
Keep the night younger... stay here longer

Thursday, May 03, 2018


Tooth fairy
come and visit me
It's not money
my tooth is my theme

Take your friends for me
spread hope in my heart
I dont need your money
Pull my teeth away

I dont need my teeth
I need my peace
Take all those symbols
Let me rest


What do you do when a product is expired? Throw it away... That's a logical answer. Expiry date is a previously determined date after which something should no longer be used, either by operation of law or by exceeding the anticipated shelf life for perishable goods. So do not wait until the expiry good contaminates any member of your family. 
Expiry date also applies to human being. Young age means your expiry date is still long. People puts so much hope on you and you are well looked after. You are placed in a safe dwelling in which the temperature and the cleanliness are of significant issue.  The philosophy behind it is simple, be ready when the time needs you. 
At your productive age, people adore  and kneel down as you pass them. That is the time when they are in need of you, so, consider yourself the king or the queen of the universe, no matter how small the universe is. People are dependent on you. They put their breath of life in your hand. It all depends on you whether you are going to support them or deny their existence. 
Most people, spend this phase of their life, supporting people around them. In return they adore and worship you. They laugh at your stupid jokes. They vote for you even if you don't expect them to do so. They even call you a genie. 
Things turns blue and gray when the expiry date is over. That's the time when those who used to support you have developed their own strength and are able to stand on their own. This is the time when you  turn into nuisance and suffering. You are poisonous. This is the time to get rid of you before you become contaminated. 

Monday, February 26, 2018


Can I ask you God.... what does doing good mean? If it is the things that I have heard from the Bible, enlighten me God, why do I have to pay for doing things written in the Bible. Is that what being crucified mean?  Please God enlighten me.... I am begging you Lord... I want to remain your child until the last breath is taken from me. But I need your support to remain strong and be your child until the day arrives.

Sunday, February 25, 2018


I have acquainted myself with the truth ever since I was a child. My parents brought the concept to my awareness when I began to understand that I am part of the reality. Those are the black and white of truth. My mom was the source of truth. She told me what is right and wrong. I perceived the right ones as the truth. That was the simple logic of a child. At that time the definition of truth was so simple.
As I grow up I began to know other sources of truth. The Sunday School, my friends at school or my friends in the neighborhood  were  among them. I began to realize that life is not as simple as I thought it was. Some concept of truth are conflicting. As to overcome my confusion I began to classify the source of truth and at the same time develop my own concept of truth. My interaction with the reality have brought new perspectives and they are my subjective perspectives. Today it is the truth, but tomorrow heaven knows what.
When I began to work I had conflicts with many people, for I have seen that what I believe as the truth are not considered as the truth to others. People began to try to shape my concept of truth. I nodded not because I believe in what they say. I nodded because that was the way to survive at work. I hate myself for being a hypocrite, but I am tired of entering the battle of life. So I let them have their way as long as they did not bother me. I was happy to some extent when I quit working. I could be the real me and believing in my own truth. However I also noticed that my own believe in truth had been exchanged the comfort financial life that I gained from my work.  
Now that I don't work I can put a distance between me and all the stuff of truth. I decide what truth is and I don't have to worry about being accused of making mistakes. So the truth does not live in my consciousness anymore. The truth is now me. 


I have never experienced a person as diligent as her. She works very hard yet she managed to divide her time between work and study well. She is very, extremely quiet. She works, and works, she studies, and studies. She helps me and I do not see any point of which I need to complain. 
She was thin with curly black hair. She has straighten her hair to make her look like all the girls living in the city. I personally prefer to see her curly hair growing  upward and made her head looks bigger. I like to see her with an identity of her own. Well, it's her hair, not mine, so I have to burried my preference deep down inside my heart and head.
She is from a small vilage in NTT. Through my discussion with her I notice that she hardly ever been raised by her parents. She had to work in a relative's house just to get the opportunity to continue her studies in the high school. It did not sound like a beautiful life to me, but I noticed that she is very thankful of what life has to offer her and loves her family deeply as mentioned in her status in the social media. Every month I have to help her support her family financially.
I compare her to my children and see a big hollow in the way I raise my children.  My children have the opportunity to focus in their studies without worrying about the rest of their life. I call their life an Abracadabra Life. All they have to do is study and the room get cleaned, the food is available on the dining table, and everything what a growing up girl longs to have is there. Despite of being thankful to they always forget to count their blessings and complain. They do not know what struggle really is. Any threat to their comfort life is called problem.
Comparing her to my children is not fair. However it is not a sin that I finally arrived to a conclusion that struggle is healthy to help children growing up. It is a bit too late to put my children into the battle of life, but I really believe that they have to wake up. Sleepy head, it's time to get up. 

Sunday, December 31, 2017


She kept herself awake for thirty consecutive days. People said, it was the days when the battle between She and Her broke out. It was the battle between sanity and insanity. There were the times  when her assumption went wild. She assumed that She  had evaporated. She fell into the stage of delirium. One stories after another were told. They were actually not stories, they were just meaningless words rushing out of the dry lips. But there were also the days when rationality provoked Her thoughts.  For an instance, She was transformed into Her. Tranquility occupied Her heart and mind. Hope has managed to convince Her that comfort has dwelt back in the kingdom of Her heart.  But the latter did not remain long. She arrived back and landed right in the middle of Her heart. She was again torn and forlorn. Insanity took the reign. She was unreachable, floating, blown away by the strong breeze. Hoping that life has mercy on Her and kept her back in the place where comfort dwells.

Friday, December 01, 2017


I have a new laptop. My children bought them for me. I am so so proud of them. It's not the laptop that matters, but the fact that they begin to shunt  the me within sideways and begin to share with others.  Having a new laptop I had to move my files from my old laptop to the new one. I bumped into so many memories. Two of which are the most moving  ones to me were the memories of my sister and my mother. 
When I was a teenage, I could hardly imagine that I could live without my sister and my mom. The closest and loving persons they are that brought me to a comfort zone. I shared my problems with them, sometimes I put my problems in their shoulders for I know they will take care of it. 
As I grow up and had my own life, things had never stopped nor changed. My sister lives overseas. We talked once a week, almost every end of a week. We made joke and we shared our problems. The tie that bond us was even stronger than before. The picture of our vacation was in my old laptop. I transferred them one by one while my mind was exploring the past. The story that we shared reveals how you always find our home as a home. You wanted me to talk about the stupid things we did when we were teens. I noticed the happy look in your eyes flashing as I brought the old memory back. You must have missed your home so much sister and that made me feel sad. The life that you chose could not replace the concept of home. You came back home every week end. 
My mother lived with me within the last 7 years of her life. She died in April 2017 and that was the second blow to me. All the pains that she had to go through to make us lead our own life was beyond words. A single mother, with four kids was not an easy homework for her. She could put herself as one of the most loved person to the entire extended family. I know her life was a bit empty once she got old, but the love has never ceased to exist. Even in her state of dementia, she had never forgotten to share her love. I found her picture, she was praying. I took that picture. God must love her so much for she had always lived with Him. 
Two of my children are grown up. They have their own jobs.  I might not be the best mother to my three children, but I know they love me and I love them.   I love them the way my mother and my sister had taught me about love. My son is only 13. I ask God to give me some more time to raise my son, to bring him to a stage where he becomes his own person, leading his own life. It is going to be His time, not my time. How long? 

Thursday, November 30, 2017


I bumped into the phrase SPS that stands for Slow Processing Speed a couple of months ago. A friend mentioned it to me and I was triggered to search for further explanation. My old computer seemed to be the best metaphor for a child with SPS.  The pace at which it absorbs, processes, makes sense of information take longer than any other kids. It has nothing to do with being smart. A kid with SPS tends to perform tasks longer. SPS does not solely  live with learning and attention issues, but it can contribute to learning and attention issues like ADHD, Dyslexia, dyscalculia and auditory processing disorder. Worst of all, it impacts learning at all stages and executive functioning skills which is the thinking skills that help kids plan, set goals, respond to problems and persist on assignments, staying focused and monitoring how well they are doing.
I took a ride in a friend's car. Her husband is a qualified practitioner of medicine. I talked about SPS. Then he said that there is no such word as impossible. To get rid of the word impossible requires persistence, hard work and most of all one has to believe that one can do it. God has never created a person with problems that are too heavy for them. I was silent, even days after the conversation had occurred. Despite the blow,  I was a bit relief for now I know the question.
I have been trying for years to find the answers which question I do not know. From one expert to another, a seeker I had been, a seeker of something I do not know. Now that I know the question, I did not know how to start or what to do. I am still a seeker, but this time I know what I am looking for.
I love you be it SPS, or ADD or Dyslexia or whatever it is. I promise I will be with you as long as I can and spend my best efforts on adapting you to live with SPS. I talk to God about you every night and in every possible conversations I have with Him.