Wednesday, March 18, 2015


It was such an awful feeling. I was so restless yesterday. I went to my husband and told him. "I feel like crying for no reason. I want to get mad to I don't know whom."
Yesterday felt like the longest day ever. I cried and fought a lot. I heard the windchimes, but did not pay too much attention. The windchimes always play the music of the wind. That's what they are  there for.
I sat quietly again this  morning. On my own, facing the garden. The garden that me and my sister love to share. Somebody texted me. I opened the phone and read the message. I was stunt for a while and remember the sound of the windchimes. Yesterday was just like today. There was no wind. There was only silence. How could I hear the windchimes?
Were you talking to me Sis. It was just like the day you passed away. The windchimes were playing the  music of the night. I could not sleep. The following morning I received the news that you went away.  What message are you trying to tell me Sis?
This morning a mail came in. A postcard, my first postcard from your daughter. Is this your message Sis. Let me do my part, the part that a sister needs to do on behalf of her dearest sister. I know your language, the  language of love. Rest in Peace dearest sister. We all love you, no matter what.


Tuesday, February 03, 2015


So  close yet feel so strange. I have never known him, not until I land my feet in the year of 2015. He's always around, like all the objects around  me. He's like the window pane, the wooden  doors, the white ragged love seats. He's  not even close to the white lilies or yellow dandellions in my garden.
The magic of New year has brought a new perspective. I  saw the entire situation with a different perspective. I suddenly feel so lonely. The  object that has always been around me, is gone. He has turned into a real stranger. A person I have never known for 29 years.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014


Christmas as regularly celebrated is over. The crumps are still in  the air. The Christmast symbols, tree, ornaments, wishes are everywhere. Soon, very soon, they also have to go away, elapsed by time. Our christmas tree is still standing haughtily in  the living room. Brown and gold are the chosen color. I was expecting that this Christmas will be shining like gold.
 I love this Christmas, the kind that I had in my childhood. On Christmast Eve, the entire family gathered together, not to mention some friends who were also invited. This is the best Christmas present I have had within these last couple of years. Family, the feeling of having a big family, of being a part of so many people, has lofted me with tons of happiness.
Soon, very soon I have to take all the ornaments down and keep the tree in the box. A kind of refusal occupies my heart. They are symbols, for the real one is in my heart. Still I feel sorry that I have to put them down soon.


Autumn is the time for me to finish all  unsettled questions.  The real autumn is over, in  fact this is summer. But I have reached the autumn of my life. There is one big question in my mind. What’s gonna happen to me when I grow old? Will somebody look after me? I knew the answer was no. But that was my assumption. A six-day-journey has brought me to the real answer.
I did not see anything strange upon my arrival. But on the way I began to feel the symptons.  Unpleasant frown on  the face as I wanted to do my shopping list on the first day. It’s only six days, if I could finish my shopping list on the first day, I still have five days to go. It was not my personal shoppinng, it was for the school that I am going to establish soon. Anyway... I did not do the shopping on the first day. So there goes my first day.
On the second day, that was Wednesday. I stayed home the whole day. I clean the kitchen a bit and noticed that there was almost nothing to cook. I stayed  home and ate a piece of bread. Suffer from hunger a bit the whole day. In the evening, I said...let’s go out and eat. So we went out and dined. The food was so so...but i was starving and that was probably the best food I have ever tasted in my whole life.  We did some shopping a bit, for I need some fruit to balance all the junks that went into my stomach to ease  my hunger. Today I was informed that friends would come over to eat. I will cook for them.  I love to do it, it made me feel appreciated.
On the third day, that was Thursday, we went out shopping. I bought lots of books for my library. Another frown. I pretended I did not see it for this is my third day, I have to do something for myself. I took a taxi home for If I did not, the frown would probably stay forever. In the evening I feel like going out so I went out on my own, and wondering, dont you want to do some shopping for  tommorow? Anyway...I’m willing to do more and more, but I am older now, I can not carry all the shopping list myself. So I dont know how things are going to be tomorrow.  I leave it to the master. I wanted to finish my project but I could not. I need some resources, and I asked her to borrow a book from the library. But she forgot it. I asked her if I could use the electronic digital library, she said there is no such thing. I remember last time back home, I used her electronic digital library resources. Maybe the  policy change or maybe...I dont know what.
On the fourth day, Friday. I took a shower earlier that day, because I know that invitation had been sent and people would be here in the afternoon. No food? It was after lunch, the initiative to do shopping turned up. The invitation was at four, and we went out at 12 something. So I could figure out what’s gonna happen next. We arrived home around 2 and I began cooking. At 4 people are turning up. I’m still cooking. A question popped up. Why did it take me so long to cook? My goodness, who do you think I am. A genie or what? She asked for rendang and this is the longest food to cook. I turn the stove higher to make the process faster. Lucky, the rest of the guests arrived late and I could finish around 5. Right after I went inside the room to sit, she popped up and said, the food need more salt, it is tasteless. The hurt and pain was mounting and I went out to apologize to the guests. After dinner, they all went out and I was again alone in my room. Anyway... I have heaps of work to finish, but the pain in my heart hurt so much. I told myself, you are older and you turn to be more and more sensitive. Okay. I admit this fact.
On the fifth day, i was left alone from early in  the morning until late at night. That’s okay. I kept myself busy and cook for the day. At night she ate the  food and gave some negative comments on  the meat. Well, I dont have any excuses to say. Let it be. The pain and hurt have already been there anyway.
On the sixth day, which is my last day. No moves, nothing. So I stayed quiet in the room. Feeling abandoned, feeling sad, everything altogether. It was almost twelve when I was asked if I wanted to go out.. That day was not my day. I received bad news from home. On the way I thought I miss my bus card. We missed the bus, I could not draw cash and we got lost.  Finally we decided to go to the city. Again. An aimless trip, not knowing what to do there. Anyway.... just do it. My mind was at home actually. So in the city while we were having  late late lunch, I was trying to bring her in to find a solution. She did not say a word. I know what’s in her mind. “It’s none of my business”.  The hurt  was so deep. I was unstable myself, she did not have to carry the burden. I do, I was just asking her for an opinion. Anyway... I stayed quite the whole night. She came to me and apologized. I tried to explain my reasons. You dont need anybody when you are happy, but you will definitely need somebody when you are sad.  She smiled happily. It’s not because of my words, but simply because she could make me speak again. I tried to make the best out of my last night. I asked her to order pizza and we ate and had a conversation together with her friend. I went to my room. She stayed outside and slept on  the bench. I might be the virus that made her affraid of sleeping in her own bed.  She was affraid that I would ask her opinion about the problem back home. Anyway...she moved into her bed, late at night, and went to sleep right away. Some important phone calls were ignored.  After lots of complain and after receving lots of promises to visit the  library, she finally let me use her electronic digital library. I did not really use them in  the end, the mood is not there anymore.
My departure day, Monday. I was mad yesterday, so I said, I didnt want nobody to take me to the airport. Yes, she made it happen. Okay.... you dont know me then. No matter how heavy my suitcases were, I was not going to complain. The pain did not stop there. I was in the bathroom, she shouted at me telling me that the taxi was downstairs. I knew it, but that was not 6 o”clock. That was a bit early, so I still can use the bathroom. The pain was so unbearable, I cried a bit in the bathroom and I told her that i can’t wait to leave myself.  I went out of the toilet and grabbed my bag. She followed me. My suitcases were already downstairs. I am more than ready to leave. I kissed goodbye and I jumped into  the taxi. I did not turn my head, not even once. I left the memories of my six days behind.
I finally have to thank her for answering my questions. Winter is almost here, I will be ready to be on my own. You can  count on my words. 


Monday, December 01, 2014


December is knocking at my door. Somehow I feel uneasy with time. It flies and it is impossible to stop. The dreams that haunted me in my childhood and teens are again wide awake. I keep a handful of dreams in  the palm of my right hand. I have to mould and turn them into reality. As I grow older, the magic power fades away.  I hold the gold dust tightly in the palm  of my hand. I notice the  leak, I notice the gold dust slowly and gently slip through my fingers and fly into nothingness.
It's now or never. Dear Lord, have merci on me. Let me survive. Let me hold all the dreams in my hand and make them come  true. Let this Chrismast be my Christmast.

Thursday, November 27, 2014


 Saying good bye to the heart of peace and love. Walking aimlessly to the unknown dessert. Loosing sanity in the wild  journey of  wisdom. Holding strong to the grip of reality. Welcoming the liars and the drama queen to the world of complexity.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014


After a long long wait it rains again in the land of  Watcumecolit. I have been living there for more than 29 years. The last time that the rain touched my burning skin  was 10 years ago. The long draught has created such a disarrayment to the nature. The earth gradually turns shabby and scrubby. The biting reality has left a wrinkly face with deep fractures and scars. The heavily dusty earth has made the nature loose her beauty. Old and gruesome like a diabetic patient whose left feet has already been burried in the cemetery.
The trees  has not left a trace of leaves in them. At night, when the dryness eased its grip, the naked body and arms  stood like the bloodcurdling shadows, chasing the dreams of  tomorrow out of everyone's mind. The petrifying nights, although not better than the sickening daylight, up lifted the tense of life a bit. It offered a moment of fantasy that would turn life sour as the sun appears. The dream is no longer there. The draught turned even severe.
The rain is a blessing that no word can  describe. It falls into the lap of the universe and heals the wound of  the earth. The trees begin to dance again blissfully. The song of joy fills the air and alter the dusty face of the earth into a more than just the beauty of a miss peagant. It's an angel from heaven sent to shower  life with His blessings. A beauty and glory at the same time. The face begin to show its genuine truth. Her cheeks turn full as the red  apple that grow in summer. Her hair changes into an embroidery silky veils of a bride. It dances gracefully with the wind.
However, the bestowed blessings are not there forever. Draught will soon be back unnotified . So will the rain. The only thing we have is the experience. We learn how to survive during the draught and we learn how to preserve the wealth of the rain to keep us alive. Dryness is not there for  nothing. It enriches our appreciation of the blessings of  the rain.

Friday, November 14, 2014


Death has flapped her wings again and took a lady away two  days ago. I know this lady. I saw her sleeping silently in the coffin. We might not say much words when you were still alive, but I honestly adore you. Death flew over  their house for the second time. Last year, she took the father. Hardly had their tears dried, when she took the mom.
Her little angel was there. I wonder what's  the meaning of death to the little angel. Is it a scarry word? or does it mean tears? It could have any meanings to her. I can not grab what's inside her mind. She's too little. I saw the lady's son standing right accross me next to the coffin. He stood there. His lips were tightly sealed. Was he trying to hide the sorrow, or had he run out of tears. My mind crawled into the past. The face of her eldest daughter whom I often watch closely came into my view. Just  the three of them in the wild hand of reality.
Reality will push them to grow up beyond their age. After the funeral tomorrow, a big question will hang over the sky. Who's going to be in  charge of them? Hopefully the sun will be there to lighten up their days. Should it be the cloudy sky, face it with courage for the naked reality is there. Whether you like it or not you have to face the battle.   Let me call you the survivors, for you will definitely survive.  My prayers are with you.


I know you feel battered. I know you feel drown in a deep sorrow. But I also know that you have learned a lot about life. The lessons that I have never ever given you. The lessons that you explore on you own in the journey of loneliness. There were crowds of people around, but they are not your crowd. You thought they were yours and that was good. Because you felt that you were not alone in  the beginning. As the sun moves higher and the life is getting hotter and dry, those whom you thought were your crowd slowly melt away. The loneliness is biting you now. The feeling of being neglected and ignored.
I admit that I have never let you go through those journeys. I knew that they were going to hurt you. I made the journey tougher and harder for you, because I had never prepared you to go through it. God always knows what's best. I did not do my part. He made you go through it His way. You have learned it the hardway, yet that's the best way.
I know, one day,when my time arrives you are more than  ready to take over my place and yet be your own person. To watch over your sister, brother and Pa. It won't be easy though, but it is another battle to tame. Life is not free of battles and those battles make your life meaningful and create the real person in you.
I heard the wind outside. Let me blow my prayer to where ever you are now. God doesn't recognize boundaries. In the office, in the meeting or any place that you name, He  brings the blessings to your life, right onto your lap. Grab it for we never know what's coming tomorrow.