Thursday, December 11, 2008


I havent been updating this blog for quite sometimes. The key word that occupies my mind is 'Amazing!!!'. What is so amazing? This life is indeed amazing. At this age, after so many years of having a chance to live, I have started to assemble the pieces of puzzle of my life. I'm not saying that I have gotten the answer to my existence,'s far from getting the answer.
What I manage to get so far is the categorization of the pieces of realities that I have gone through. I began to analyze (oops..this word sounds a bit scientific) to see things with a better view about what happened to me in the past. I'm not saying that life is okay, but somehow I can take all the pain in a more 'decent' way.
One of the key issues that struck my mind is about death. This word has haunted me ever since my sister was told that she has at the most only two years to live. I felt as if I was also the one that's being punished by this reality. Coincidences happen. One after another. I got exposed (I didnt search but I really got exposed) to some articles on death during one of the philosophy classes that I attended. This class has taught me to not ask about death, but ask about life instead. Death is something that will happen to anybody at anytime. Time and space are the enigmas. My sister is one among the few that has the opportunity to open the veil of the enigma of 'time'. It happens for a purpose, to let her give some more reflections and and explore more about life, about her existence. Be open to death and life and let your existence reveal itself.
In one of my converation with her I mentioned about the fact that she's lucky to know the time. I dont. I could be one the who ' leave' earlier than her. We never know. The only thing that we know is the reality that we exist. That's what matters. The reality that we dont exist is not important anymore for that is the harvesting time which happens to be His part. Life is about being isnt it?

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I'm looking for a door that could lead me to the exit. But the door is either to small for me or it's unavailable. This cubicle is getting too hot and it has turned into a humid and depressing place for me.

Without having the attention to bring myself into a philosophical area, my internal dialogue has brought into my awareness of my existency. Why do I exist and what does I expect from this life? I end up myself with a conclusion that I live for several reasons. I live for myself and my surroundings. I live for the future of my children, they need me until they are ready to be on their own. I live for the present in which my husband love me and i love him, though we both love to enggage ourselves into tedious arguments. I guess that's the color of our love. I live because I love the past and often dive into the romantic memory of being a member of my big family, my mother, my sisters and brother as well as my cousins. As with my spiritual part of living I consider it as private so it doesnt belong to the public domain.

With that in mind I wonder if I could have them if I am still trapped in this hot and depressing cubicle. The money is definitely good, but the happiness is far from real. By the time I got home I'm dead tired and turned myself into a strange creature. Either I sat in front of the television or I checked and sent mails to friends. Week ends are the best time for I stay on my leisure. I focus on myself , neglecting those people that I love. I turn into an alien!!!

After having been working for the cubicle I began to think of finding my happiness, do the things that I always want to do. I still have to find the exit. My friends reminded me, what's waiting for me outside the cubicle is in fact a bigger issue that I need to consider. As for me, what's waiting is happiness and I know happiness is not free so I have to bear the consequence. I can do anything when I'm happy. It is proven!!!