MENJEMPUT KEBAHAGIAAN

 Harum sabun cap tangan di baju hasil jahitan tangan mama sesekali menyeruak ke udara. Rambut basah yang kadang masih meneteskan air rapih tersisir. Kami melompati papan-papan yang dijadikan ambalan rel kereta api dengan cekatan. Setiap jengkal rel melekat erat dengan perjalanan kami. Rel kereta ini yang setiap sore mengantar kami menjemput kebahagiaan.

Setiba di jalan raya kami berdiri di tepi jalan di seberang Masjid terbesar. Pada saat itu hiruk pikuk lalu lintas sore tidak sekejam sekarang. Dua pasang mata kami  menyisiri lalu lalang kendaraan mencari kebahagiaan yang menjelang. Ketidaksabaran menggelegak dalam penantian. Ketika kendaraan yang dinantikan tiba, kami sigap melangkah  dan  mengambil posisi terdekat di pintu kendaraan.

Sosok Mama muncul dari dalam kendaraan. Dengan sigap kami merebut tas yang berada di tangannya. Acapkali kepala kami saling berantukan ketika akan menggapai kebahagiaan di dalam tas. Siapapun yang terlebih dahulu menjangkau kebahagiaan tersebut dengan segera menariknya keluar. 

Kami berjalan menggenggam erat kebahagiaan di satu tangan dan lengan mama di tangan lainnya. Kami berjalan melewati jalur berputar yang lebih berjarak. Perjalanan tersebut terasa sangat singkat karena ada banyak cerita yang terus dihamburkan. Cerita yang semakin berdesakan di bibir setiba kami di rumah. Gurat lelah yang tergores di wajah Mama dan sisa-sisa bulir-bulir peluh di keningnya tidak dapat menghentikan cerita yang terus diriwayatkan.  Hingga gelap yang menjelang menjadi tanda bahwa cerita harus berakhir. Mama beranjak untuk membersihkan diri dan beristirahat di pembaringan. Kami tergolek di sisinya menatap langit-langit kamar...diam tanpa kata hingga kantuk menjemput. 

Kebahagiaan  tergolek tak tersentuh di meja dapur.  Serangga malam siap-siap berpesta di atas kebahagiaan. Entah mengapa kebahagiaan yang berwujud sepotong kue atau buah tangan itu kami tinggalkan. Mungkin kebahagiaan memang tidak harus berwujud.

Selamat hari Ibu untuk Mama yang selalu ada meskipun telah tiada.

TO A DEAR FRIEND

 The wedding is drawing near…

the bride groom will soon appear

Do not ponder your mind with a proposition 

beyond your ability to make decision

 

Dress your heart for the captivating moments

Adorn your crown with shimmering diamonds

Wear the elongated lace and walk with grace

As you are on the far side of words can praise

 

We have the privilege of enjoying the many seasons

Yet,  the very same season will never repeat its course

You have sown all the love seeds in spring

The wedding will be the summer of your life

 

Hope will dwell in your world of tomorrow

You will lead a life with no sorrow

Silence filled with peace and no regret

For you have done so much with your heart

UNNAMED

 

To The north wind

To The greeneries

And to the dancing birds

I am resentments

 

too many questions

too little answers

loss  of essence

i am meaningless

 

the honours

the praises

the cheers

they are not me…

 

nothingness

a total blank

a bottomless well

i am

 

DOGS

 I used to have dogs when I was a little girl. I did not pay too much attention to the dog. I treated them like a dog as most people would do. There was no bond of love between our dog and I. My mom was probably the only  person who had a special bond with our dogs. I remember the names, Bianco, Argo, Whiskey and so many others. 

Then I got married. My husband does not like dogs. My children are dying to have dogs, but my husband wouldn't let them to have it. We had a dog once. After more than a year, the dog played outside and we have never seen him again. 

My son is so so special. His love for dogs is obvious. So are my other two girls. On his birthday, I decided to give him a puppy as a present. I had argued a lot with my husbands and finally he decided to let me do it. I bought the dog from a breeder. It was quite an expensive dog. We provide special food for him. 

One day we went to a pet shop to get dog food. The shop assistant offered us to adopt a dog. I saw the dog and fell in love. I was torn in between. I knew that my husband would be against it. My heart melted and I couldnt get the dog's picture out of my mind. So I had another tough argument with my husband. Finally he agreed to have another dog around the house. Another thing, our previous dog, which we called Kenzo, was such an adorable dog and my husband fell in love with him. 

We named our new dog Lola. Her real name was Lala. We changed her name because one of my hephew's name is Lala. Lola's conditions were beyond words. Her hair had grown too long and her odour had been unbearable. Lola is a wonderful dog and she has won our heart with her kindness. She looks happy. 

After having Lola for a year, my daughter received a text from a person who used to be a neighbour of Lola's owner. That person got my daughter's numbers from the pet shop assistant. He told my daughter that Lola is lucky to be with us. Lola had been more a stranded dog, neglected by the owner. The owner found the dog in another city about 12 hours of driving and kept Lola in a small bag throughout the journey. Living with the new owner did not change Lola's life. Lola collected food from the garbage and was sometimes locked for days in a room without food. The owner wanted to eliminate Lola, but that man took Lola away and left her in the pet shop. Lola was not the only dog. There was another dog called Brizzi who was also treated as bad as Lola. Brizzi died after he was adopted. 

Sometimes people put too many expectations from a dog. They dress and make them act like human. In the beginning my children want to train our dog to be like a human being. They stopped. I just wonder how would it feel if you are expected to run around the house with your arms and legs like all the dogs do. It's not you....dogs are dogs.... let them be a dog. 

LOGIC

"After following the webinar about assessment we believe that we can't prevent students from cheating. For that reason, we are not going to divide the exam into three parts. It is time consuming and tiring. What we are going to do is distribute the problems and ask students to work on it for 2.5 hours instead of 3 hours."

"Considering the assumptions that we cant prevent students from cheating, why do we have to cut the time?"

"To prevent them from cheating!". 

(Oh...help me make it through the day)

IMAGINATION

Like many other little girls, my life was filled and influenced by fairy tales. The one that has been implanted deeply into my mind and my heart are fairies. I always imagine that fairies live in  bell-shaped flowers. Eversince that time my preference toward flowers are directed to bell-shaped flowers. 

As I grow old, it remains there. Most of the flowers in my backyard are bell-shaped flowers. I could sit for hours in my garden admiring the flowers. I am captivated by the flowers and feel at peace. My imagination runs wild, and I bought a lot of fairy statues figurines. I put them on my study and when I am tired of reading, I set my eyes fixed on them and my mind drift away to the fairy lands. 

My imagination went wild  and I began to unfold my dreams and materilize them into the shapes of the fairy lands. I cannot tell you how it it, but this I know, it is so relieving. Ever since that time when my mind is in a chaotic situation, I choose to be in my garden and dive into my land of imagination. 

I MISS YOU FOR NO REASON

My mind was wandering far away. It stopped in a spot where I keep my mother's picture. It is not like any ordinary picture, it is a picture that suddenly turns itself into a breathing story. She sat there in the sofa where she could be in charge of her small world. I passed her by and she watched me silently with no word spoken. I have never understood her silent language since I used my brain to interpret language. Not until lately did I began to think of it deeply. 

Missing her has made me redirect my thoughts to my heart. I miss her more than any words can say. I think of her with no reason. Love does not need any reason. Love is just a small piece of my heart. I think of her silent language. I thought of those eyes, they were hollow and empty. I have never given any attentions to those eyes. They were there in my mind but I had been ignoring it. I  began to decode the message. This time my heart took control of the process. I suddenly bursted out crying. For  my mother suffered from loneliness. It was like cancer that crushed her heart and gently consumed her bones. 

If only I had a chance to turn the clock back. I would have quit working, I would have stayed with you and spent our time together. I wanted to fill your empty and hollow eyes and turn them into the language of happiness and satisfaction. I love you ma and missing you more than words can explain. 

GOOD AFTERNOON GOD

Dining table is one of the few places where we all gather together to have lunch. We pray prior to having our lunch. My son always starts his prayer with a greeting. "Good afternoon God." His sisters gigle in silence while he continues the prayer. No better than his sisters I also felt that there was something wrong with his habit. But that was only in the beginning. 

I began to wonder why people are expected to pray in the way others do. Rituals are meant to add referential meaning to make canonical meaning intelligable. As long as the abstract meaning of a prayer is delivered be it through a different ritual, I do not see anything wrong with that. 

Eversince that time I let him pray in the way he is comfortable with. The message and the meaning are there, it is just the way he does it differs from others. 

DAUGHTER

Two daughters can be  myriad. There are times when they keep me busy all the time. They nag to buy new stuff and complain of not having this and that. But that occur when they were teenagers. As they grow older each has taken their own paths. The problems remain but I call them new problems.
One of them has always picked a person that gains my disapproval. Of course what I think of her partner is not important for I am not the one who is going to share my life with him. But I cannot help myself from being overloaded by her problems for she drags me into it. There was a time when that man has to pay for his irresponsible games and my daughter dragged me into it. The time when they broke up was a big relief for me. I thought my problem was over, but I was wrong.
She brought home a new friend from her work and claimed that he was just a friend. I dont care if he is married or single for they are just colleagues. As time goes by I notice a change. There are moments in which I caught them as more than just friends. This fact is provoking for I believe that is inappropriate. I cannot interfere with her life for she insists it was not as what I thought.  She quit her job, I think I know why,  and become financially dependent on me. She brought a lot of sorrows into me. I just wonder how she is going to lead her life when I cease to exist.
My other daughter has never been a problem to me. She took care of herself well. She has always been busy with her life and allow me to say that they all contribute to her success. She decides what to do and responsible for any actions she takes. I feel unfair to say I am happy with how she leads her life for it implies my unhappiness with my other daughter.
My daughter has never brought anyone home. There was a time when she took someone home but that was the only time. I have never seen that man again. She has best friends around her and are comfortable with them, but none of them looks special to me. I have no reason to complain for again this is her life.
I thank God for having both. I love them both, each occupies a different space in my heart.