Tuesday, July 31, 2012


On Sunday, You said that I had to take the risk of walking in Your path. I gained my strength and prepared to walk on your path. On Monday, I realized that it was not easy, for the pressure was getting stronger. The tension mounted and they got closer to physical attack. There I was, waiting worriedly in the corner of my garden. 
Today is Tuesday. It's so much early in the morning. What will happen to my life on Tuesday? Will You bail me out, or do you want me to go on walking on the thin rope with all the risk? Please protect my family. Bless my mom, my daughters and my son. Give extra strength to my husband and tell him that I am waiting for him in the other end of the thin rope. You said You will protect me.

Thursday, July 26, 2012


Dear God,

I'm battered. Spare me. Please!


The weather is very much unfriendly lately. I did predict and sense the storm and hurricane coming. In my native language there is a proverb Sudah jatuh ketimpa tangga which more or less means similar with someone who falls out of a thirteen story window on Friday. The proverb refers to the continuous bad luck that occur to a person within a period of time. Soap operas make a huge profit out of this critical point. Heavy exposures on this area serves to hammer the heart and soul of the viewers. Once they feel battered and blue, the ads are exposed to trigger irrational decisions.

Good luck and bad luck are like my right and left hand. I use both to deal with this life. I see both as part of a cycle, if you go up, you have to be ready to go down. If you are happy you have to be ready to be sad. The black cloud that pass my door will always be there. I learn to accept it with a view that there will be the sun after the cloud. However, what’s written in my book of knowledge is not what occurs in reality. There is always a critical point that we have to deal with. A moment in which I feel battered and have to make decisions at the same time. The moment when irrationality dominates and I haste to make decisions to overcome the cycle of bad luck.

Action that spurs reaction. That’s me. The more I tried to get out of the black cloud the more I get drowned into it. My son suffers from ADD. I make a huge efforts to overcome it one after another, believing that this is what a good mother should do. I forget to take a silent moment and let my effort work before moving to a new effort. I’m proud of the fact that I have done my best effort to deal with it. I was chased by my own shadow and have never let my effort worked and be proven. The same thing happened with so many other things. I worked and spilled my blood and forget to let the silent moment fall in between, and let it disperse and become effective.

I remember vividly something that I have read in the past and felt that I completely understand it. “The eleven laws of the Fifth Discipline.” The followings are some of them, Today’s problem come from yesterday’s solution (A haste in making decision will contribute to future problems), The harder you push the harder the system pushes back (The more efforts I put on solving it the more severe the problem becomes), The cure can be worse than the decease (What seems to be a solution will only work for several moments before it turns into a real problem), faster is slower (what is the haste for?)

Tuesday, July 17, 2012


I dont know wether to call it good or bad news, but on Wednesday I was given a hint that I didn't pass the promotion scheme. There is a new trend on the promotion system, those who are included into the promotional package will be notified by phone and since I did not receive the magic call, I am not part of those who are going to be promoted.
Good or bad? That's another issue. Is it good or bad? Everyone was a sort of expressing their condolences to me. They feel sorry for what happened to my life. People in general see it as bad news.   As with me... I dont know what to say. I couldn't say I'm not affected but nor could I say that I am so much affected. To use the little finger that God granted me, I would say it affected me that much (showing my little finger). Please do not read it as a sign of underestimation or my retaliation to the reality...I simply feel that way.
My experience has taught me not to make an early assumption for what is bad or good. There is no single definition or truth about good and bad. It all depends on the context. Things that appear good in the beginning will turn out to be a disaster in the end. So it with the bad news that appear in the beginning will bear many fruitful things in the end. My being transferred to the new department a couple of months ago was one of the experience that made me see it as bad news. But as time goes by I begin to see the positive things in it and take the transfer with a totally different perspective.
In seeking of the meaning of this news, I have thought it over and over, and managed to gain some rational reasons behind it. Not being part of the promotion wagon, I will have retired within a two year time. I have my son and my family who probably need me more than this work. I challenged my reason from the financial perspective. Still I need some money to support my son. But then the voice within said, God will provide you with a complete package. If He appoints you to be in one place, He will make sure that you have or will have the relevant knowledge and skill to survive. So far I am blessed to have various experiences and knowledge that I could use to overcome the financial challenge. Sounds easy? No way...it's of blood, sweat and tears. But let me say my perspective, the financial challenge is obsolete!
So what do I have to do now? This is my text in response to one of the so called text of grievances: " I believe that whatever provided for me are nothing but blessings. All I have to do is to wait for the meaning to open up the veil and exposed itself. Space and time carries the meaning with it, so I am standing here in front of a horizon waiting for the phenomena to appear. So..good or bad, it all depends....

Monday, July 16, 2012


My son started his new day in his new school. I got back home from Bandung. So we talked in his room. A calendar was on the desk. It was his school calender in his previous school. While I was adjusting the sound to the proper volume, he took the calender and suddenly he dropped it again. He said, I dont want to think about it anymore.
His statement was like a thunder that stroke my head. I couldn't believe that he made such a statement. Things must not be easy on him to move to the new surroundings and school. I definitely didn't want my son to be sad. So I gave him a hug and he cried in my arms. God, please take extra care of my son's heart. You put him in my hand a couple of years ago and I have always handled him with extra care. Now that my hands are not strong enough to carry his heart, do you think you can carry his heart in your arms? Please God, I beg you to help him grow.
I talked to my son and told him that within another two year time, I am going to retire. When the time arrives, his previous school is going to be too expensive for us. There is one of the reasons of transferring him to the new school. But the main reason was more for him. My boy needs a school that can help him grow and become his own person. 
I remember my conversation with the headmaster. 
HM: "What do you expect of your son?" 
Me: "I don't expect anything for he will have his own life. I just want him to be independent and be able to take care of himself. I am the one to be blamed for what happens to him. I spoil him. I handle him with extra care, and at the same time I did not teach him to be a grown up."
HM:  "We will be there to help you but you have to help him before we can help you."
Later when you grow up my son you probably will have a chance to read this piece. I want you to know that I have never meant to hurt you or made you sad. I want you to grow up and become your own person. It's just that I don't know which is the best way for you. Yesterday I thought the previous school was the best for you, then I changed it again to this new one. I have to admit that I kept on changing my plan, but trust me they are all based on my love for you and my intention to let your grow and become a real man out of a boy.