Tuesday, December 31, 2013


The  last day of December 2013. Time for reflection, to many. I am  enjoying the biting moments of the final day of 2013. Let me count my blessings along the year and thank God for them.
1. The last year of  working in  the gigantic cubicle and I will be out of the atmosphere that has been  part of me soooo long. Imagine 30 years.
2. I have finally made up my mind on what to do for the end is not the ending. I'm happy with what I choose although I know that I will be going  through winding and bumpy roads. I had been there even.
3. My daughter received lots of blessings. Opportunities that not many people have. She did. Im proud of her. In  fact I'm proud of all my children this year. They did their share as a child and as adults.
4. My mom is in a healthy condition. Thanks God, 91 years and she's going to be 92. That's something.
5. I have a white pinkish christmast trees full of angels and fairies. Hope they will be there again next christmast in a different color theme.
6. I made some of my dreams come true and that's getting rid of my excess bagage that has been boggling my mind throughout the year
7. I learn to appreciate and push myself to work with the details. Not much progress though, for the beginning is always hard. but one or two our are at least on the  right track.
Next year will be the one of the toughest year of my life. Fostering my new "baby", finishing my dissertation and becoming who I am. A wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, and His child. Good bye December, you might be the last this year, but next year will bear another you, although not the same you.  

Tuesday, October 22, 2013


I wrote down in one of my post about number 555 or 55 that seemed to be following me. Every time I turned my eyes to the clock those numbers are there. Often when I focused on a number, 555 or 55 are exposed to my sight. I am not a strong believer in superstitious signs, but I do read them, be it accidentally. Like many other people, I try to link those numbers with bad omen.
Indeed at the age of 55 many bad incidents occured in my life. One after another, putting a lot of pressures on me. Amidst all the gravities that pulled me down I managed to push myself above the water and find for a reason  if not a rescue. I get hold to any objects that could keep me afloat. I knew that I sounded desparate by rattling and mumbling, but sometimes those words are not meant to be understood semantically for they are bear no correspondence to the reality. 
I had a talk with my second daughters, confirming her that all those bad lucks that fall upon me really happen at the age of 55. She disputed against me and said, I believe all the good things will fall upon you at the age of 55. Create your own positive self fulfilling prophecy.
In memory of my deceased brother in law, the pastor preached about the bitterness of the water and the complains that were directed to him during the flight out of Egypt. The bitterness was then turned into sweetness. The bitterness are there for a  reason. They are there to  make us appreciate the sweetness of life. Give me any number now and I will turn them into my lucky number. Bitter and sweet are there for my sake for developing myself into a complete person.

Monday, October 21, 2013


He loves me
He loves me not

 He loves me
He loves me not

He loves me
He loves me not

He loves me
He loves me not

He loves me
He loves me not


Friday, October 18, 2013


My mother is 91. That's really incredible. I dont think I want to be that old, for I can not imagine myself sitting on my own listening to the loud deafening silence. The symptons of loneliness has begin to crawl on my skin and bite my brains. I can not describe how it is, yet, I can feel it inside.
As it knocks at my door, the nights turns longer than daylights. Reading books do not automatically take me to the dreamland as it used to be.  I stare at the ceiling and grab any thoughts that drifted across my mind. Sometimes the thoughts pull my heart even deeper into the ocean  of discomfort and some other times, it helps me to ease the uncertainty slightly until the curfew falls.
In such situation, the past is always the most comfortable spot. I go through the pictures  of my children on  the wall of  my heart. When they were born, I almost complained for  not having my own private time. As time goes by, they brought so much pleasure to my life. My bed had witness the ecstacy of life, the moments when they crawl, brag, smile, laugh, cry, the  moments when they are thoughtless and I was senseless. I complained, yet my heart danced.
Season  changes, they all grow up. My princess is busy with her work, my big baby is busy with her studies, my handsome prince spend most of his time outdoor. They have found their own world and developed their own individualities. Soon they will put the pictures of their own children on the wall of their own hearts.
My bed is empty, and my room felt a bit too big for me. God decides my time, but if I may choose my own time, give me the opportunity to witness their wedding bells. I dont want be like  my mother. She  has to carry all the pictures around, be it mine, my deceased sister, my brother whom she hardly sees and my eldest sister. It amazes me to watch her deal with the unbearable silence moments. If I have a choice, their wedding bells are probably the proper time. After that I will take  their pictures off and bury them inside my graveyard.

Tuesday, October 01, 2013


A soft softwhisper was knocking at my door
awaken me of my jolly dream
The veranda was lifeless and empty
A gust of wind gently touched my face

A vibrant multi color leaf was at my porch
She bowed gracefully
And began to chant beautifully
The glorious song of time filled the air

Hello, Im October
the wind has brought me here
to sing you the message of nature
to bring you the spirit of elevation

the blossoming flowers have gone
so have the moist green grassy field
the sunny days are yawning
indistinct shadows  will soon dwell

seek not for June
June has departed
Here I am October
arriving to deliver the magical mantra

The glowing colors of autumn
the golden moments of silence
the captivating solemn instants
That echo your own thoughts

Open your soul and let me in
For winter will soon be here
Removing the unfinished contemplations
and freezes them forever

Wednesday, August 28, 2013


I have been working in the gigantic cubicle for almost 30 years. One significant thing that I have noticed is to watch people exercising their power with language. It’s even more interesting to watch how people are dominated and respond to it. The gigantic cubicle has its own ways and stories.
it’s still clear in my mind when the newly appointed previous master of the cubicle, address his speech of welcome a couple of years ago. He was expecting the entire troops of the cubicle to transform themselves into intellectual leaders of the  nation. As many other political speech they tend to be vague and moving. He blew spirit into his words and the words become alive in everyone’s memory. Unfortunately nobody could explain what intellectual leaders were. So what actually happened at that time, all the text, be it oral and written text mentioned intellectual leaders and put their own intepretation into it. The words are too beautiful and powerful. It’s better to leave them unquestioned and fill the empty spot of meaning with each own interpretation.
My boss is not an exception. He translated the expression into a program. A series of benchmarking to many countries were planned. He said, we have to be intellectual leaders in this nation. It is important that we upgrade outselves so as to be able to walk in front and be the walking leaders  for this country. He proposed the plan and it was approved for it bears the label intellectual leaders on top. The word of the master and the power that it beared was interpreted to serve his self interest. Benchmarking to a number of countries is equal to perdiem in US dollars. The gigantic cubicle is notorious for providing decent perdiem. The power behind the words, worked like a gaze. They made people stop to think and obey the words. Some actually doubt, but they murmured behind the curtain as to be able to avoid the gaze. They wanted to look just like the rest “ordinary” people, who admires and adores the words.
 I went to the master himself and asked him:”What do you mean by intellectual leaders?” He explained to me beautifully.  In a moment I was caught by the charms of his explanation. Once I went out of his room, I realize, he was not explaining anything, he was just showering me with the spirit of his words.  In short, allow me to say, he did not really know what he meant by those words and therefore he could not pinpoint his expectations at the operational level.  The empty words carry the master's powerand everyone was busy interpreting it to cater their self interest.



Tuesday, July 16, 2013


 There are 5 main reasons why I am against the implementation of the 2013 currriculum.
The first is the fact that the curriculum was designed by a technician the so called  assistance to  the minister who majors in technology. Being a technician he strongly believes that education works in a mechanistic manner. Moral, knowledgge and performance are three linear actions. Excellent performance is the function of moral and knowledge. Knowledge is nothing without morals. So morals will be the main focus. If a student  excell in morals they will defintely excell in knowledge. Since morals and knowledge are  a function of performance, the impact  will contribute to performance. Linearity does not work in social issues.
The second, what is moral ? Moral is religion. Therefore religion will dominate the curriculum. In every modules children are taught about the greatness of God. The sun, the success, the rain are the gift of God. I have no objection so far. Not until the statement  of the Minister came accross my mind. When the final examinations in some parts of Indonesia were rescheduled, the Minister said, this  is a temptation. Moses had to face temptation, so do I. Another example came from a small city, Situbondo. Nimas Puspitaningrum failed the final  exam because she held a topless picture of her boyfriend. Sudirman has another story to tell, he was refused to join the final exam because he got married before the final exam. Nimas and Sudirman are disqualified for lack of moral values. God has to be considered for his greatness, but God's name  will also be used to protect one's or group's personal interest.
The third,  the designer of the 2013 curriculum believes that his curriculum will boost students creativity (I dont know what his argumentation is, but this is definitely hillarious). Morals provide an open space to set personal agenda. People do things, because their ideology has been  set according to an agenda. Creativity? Creativity was aimed to foster the agenda, it's not creativity in a real  sense, it is creativity set to accomplish an agenda.
The fourth, students are obliged to use the distributed books. I am not being sceptical, but history indicates that governance aspect is the main issues. Hopefully this  is not a project designed to financially support the forthcoming election. I have every reasons to be sceptical. The final exam is just one example. The library in  one of state university is another example. I believe this issue contributed the second biggest impacts on our education.
The fifth, the issue of quality teacher is actually the  main issue. Whatever the curriculum is, as long as the teacher is well prepared and of quality, I dont see no issue.
Developing the new curriculum is a response to a sympton without understanding the real  issue of our education.

Wednesday, May 08, 2013


If you expect to read critic or comments on Iron Man 3 the 2013 American superhero film featuring the Marvel Comics character Iron Man, you’d better skip my blog. Aside from the Iron Man movie,  Yuki Irawan is probably one of the most sought after celebrity lately.  Right before the launching of Iron man 3 and the labour day, the confinement factory worker in  Lebak Wangi was unfolded.  Yuki Irawan was accused of conducting slavery.

About 25 people were forced to work from 06.00 to 24.00. During the long working hours, only lunch and dinner were provided. At nite, they were transported in a locked van to a 8 x 6 square meters room to rest on a piece of traditional matras.  The only available toilet is the  dirty and smelly space. Television set or air controller such  as fan are the luxury that the factory does not recognize. Some of them suffer from severe skin desease, for the only clothes are  the one that they wear day and night.  Terror and insults are on their daily menu.  Tempo, 8 May 2013 has covered a testimony of workers whose hands are full of cuts and bruises because they worked too slow and the guard punished them by throwing chemical substance to their hands. Mind you, they are unpaid workers.

Yuki Irawan , the frying pan man,deserves to  be nominated as the iron man 4  for being public eye opener to the public and provide access to question the performance of the government and the related groups and parties. Ministry of ManPower and Transmigration, the Labour Union, and many other pressure groups associated with labour are giving comments and throwing critics to the incident.  Nice to hear all the statements, but the main question: where have you all been?  You were the chosen ones who are expectted to do your job instead of focusing on media coverage.

Yuki and all his senseless and foolish deeds is a blessing in disquise. Unless this iron man releases his movie, the public would not get a peek on the performance of all the chosen men.  I personally believe Yuki is not the  only Iron man. There are some if not many. I  might be wrong and only time can  tell.


Tuesday, May 07, 2013


Dear Princess,

A bouquet of white roses for you

Mommy love you


Let me tell you a secret my princess! There has never been a moment in  which I forget any of my children. The three of you are all MY children. Children should be treated like children, with love and extra care! I agree! But children do not remain children throughout their entire life. Children have to grow up and become their own person. It's time for them to share their love and care to others. I guess the time is now yours my dear.
A mother will always think of what's best for the children. At least in her own version  of "best". You have chosen to choose your own life and share it with your own choice of man. It has got to be that way isnt it? Yes, I agree with you. Go and take your path that you believe in. I will stop saying no. I will let you go. I just want to remind you that this is no point of return.
Your eyes are blinded by love. You cant see the difference between black and white. I know what he did to you my angel. It is not easy to say that I believe the future will even be worse. My belief could turn into a prayer. A prayer of a mother, should never be expressed in anger. I dont want bad curse to fall upon you.
A marriage will be of good times and  bad times. I hope that your life will full of good times. My door and my heart will always be with you in  bad times. And when the bad time really arrives, my door is always open for you, only you. I know who he is and what he wants from you, I will never let him have his ways. Not when these arms of mine are still strong to protect you. This is not just a promise. But this is a prayer of a mother for her daughter.


Have I not been a good mother ?
Tell me so my dear
Throw away all your fears
I am all ears

Dont use any riddle
nor play any puzzle
Say it plain
I cause you pain

shed no more tears
waste no more years
Follow your  love
follow your dove

fly my princess fly
conquer your blue sky
I'll sing you a lullaby
A song of good bye

Wednesday, February 20, 2013


All of a sudden a new fish little pond is on the front yard of the gigantic cubicle. In the middle of the grassy field with a row of trees on one side hampering in front of the twin towers were the spot where they put the pond. Through the glass wall of the pond you can see a number of Koi fish swimming. I am not a landscape designer but I dont really see the point why it should have been there. It reminds me of a small black pimple on someone's face. An unwanted object that people are trying to get rid of. I happened to be not the only person who hold this view.
Words travel fast. The little tiny pond became a topic of discussion. All the puzzles were then assembled and a big secret is revealed. A secret which is actually a public secret. A story that had been whispered from ears to ears. In front of our office there lies a statue of a man holding a bow with an arrow. Some people began to believe that the arrow was directed to our office and that was the reason for all the bad lucks that lately came upon my office. After consulting a shaman, that tiny little pond was built to shield my office from the arrow.
The shaman was another story. As many other offices, we hold a gathering once in a year. A couple of years a go, the gathering was suddenly scheduled not too long after the regular annual gathering. Amongst all the unspoken questions that boggled in our mind, we all went to the gathering. That gathering was a little bit different. Instead of having outdoor fun activities, we were all gathered in one huge hall. We sat down on the floor, and our director sat on a small stage with a stranger. The man was obviously honored by my director, for she listened and looked at him with such great respect.
My boss introduced the man as an expert in leadership development. He began to speak the language of wisdom and in the background soft calming tunes filled the air. He invited us to reflect on our past, think of all our sins and ask for God's forgiveness. The gentle voice at the beginning gradually turned into pressures. He wanted us to feel guilty and completely surrender  and cry. Some who did not believe raised their heads and had to meet his sharp gaze. Most of the people in the hall were crying. Those who didn't bow their heads down and pretended to cry.
Later on I shared the experience with some friends. Apparently that was quite a common trend in my office. Most of the female leaders were all controlled by that same man who happened to be a shaman. In the past you can differentiate shaman from his attire, but today's shamans are dressed casually. You can't see the difference. Some share a story in which the shaman had been asked to select who were illegible for promotion. Another friend whose husband was seriously ill was asked by her boss to see the shaman. They even shared their private life with the shaman and he provided solutions to their personal life. The more stories they shared the more they become the slave to the shaman.
What a fenomena! Most of them are female in the top positions. Maybe the burden on the top is too heavy and Mr. Shaman arrives at the right time, a shoulder you can count on. They forget that there is always a price that you have to pay. It's probably not your money but it is definitely yourself, your freedom.

Thursday, January 31, 2013


Dear Lord,

Thank you for putting me into this temptation. Shape me Lord so as I can turn into your reflection. Mould me Lord as to be able to accept the unbearable things of being. I understand that I bestow myself into the hands of Sin in some occasion. Purification is what you are intending to do. Give me strength Lord! Let me go through this temptation and still remain your child Lord.
Thank you Lord. Amen!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


Words have no corresponding references. That's a common game nowdays. A semantic game I might say. Words, such as truth, justice, integrity, honesty are of broad meanings have become objects of semantic games. If you remember the story of 4 blind men describing an elephant, that's what I meant by semantic game. Who can describe an elephant best? All of them and none, for each describe a part that represent an elephant and that doesnt represent an elephant completely. However in the mind of each blind man, that's an elephant and that's the best way to describe an elephant. Are we looking for a social consensus or are we looking for an individual reference? The semantic game is putting an individual view as social consensus. Power plays a crucial role here. Unless power is there it wont be easy to play this game.
The word female has lately been the object of semantic games. In Aceh for example, Suaidi Yahya, a former member of the Free Aceh Movement (GAM), announced the local administration's plan. "The government is only preserving morals. Women must not straddle motorbikes because it provokes the male drivers," declared Yahya, who has been in office for eight months. Provoking is a two way actions. It takes two to tango. It is impossible to provoke unless somebody give reactions to the provocations and get provoked. Another issue, straddling motorbikes,  is it meant to provoke? Suaidi Yahya is trying to escalate his individual view to be accepted as social consensus.
Another semantic games on female was launched by Muhammad Daming Sunusi.During a fit and proper test for Supreme Court justice candidates at the House of Representatives on Monday, Daming made a shocking statement that some rape cases might involve consensual sex and require more lenient sentences. Although he later regreted his words, but the game has been launched and it's there. It is risky to give room to Mr. Sunusi for his language or his games reflect his shallow individual view. Becoming A supreme Court justice will provide him with a room to spoon fed his individual view into social consensus (forcefully!).
The scandal of Garut Regent which is gradually fading away is also another example. Aparently he has managed to curb his scandal on legal issues. Ethical issues which are the main course of the scandal are shunted sideways and forgotten. His case of marrying a young ignorant girl that lasted only for 4 days is almost buried into the graveyard. Thanks to the semantic games, the legal issues are now at the forefront and not much evidence can serve legals issues. The young girl has signed an agreement with Mr. Regent. She's not going to sue him and he gave her a sum of money in return. This is another semantic game!
With the assistance of power, the winner can and will manage to implant his individual perception into everyone's mind. Sooner or later it will turn into a gaze that make everybody believe in it. The voice within fades away and slowly died. What's the difference between a human and a robot?

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


Two thumbs up for Life of Pi! Lately I have hardly seen any movies of similar quality to Life of Pi. The Hours was probably one that was close to it. Aside from the breathtaking cinematographic angles that contribute to the success, the story itself is so amazing. Similar theme had once been brought to the movie screen based on the award winning Novel written by John Steinbeck, "Of Mice and Man."
What is the difference between an animal and a man? Life of Pi offers two choices of leading life to the viewers. In time of depressed an animal tend to attack and kill other being, be it man or animal. As with human being, the ability to reflect and think, provides human being with the ability to control him/herself and spend efforts in finding harmless solutions. The movie ends with an enigmatic open plot, it all depends on the viewer to make a choice between being human or non-human.
Reality is not much difference than the theme. The choices lies open whether we choose to be human or non human. Amazing enough, that many choose the later be it an a direct or indirect manner.  Pi decides to keep his existence as a human being and managed to deal with Richard Parker, the Bengali Tiger. They both survived and collaborated until the end of their journey. The ones who are in favor of the opposite are easy to spot. The case of Angelina to take one example, she was accused and sentenced for corruption. She chose a short cut to reach for her dream. Did she "take" what belong to other people? The court proved yes though indirectly. The rape and brutal beating of the woman, who died of severe internal injuries in India is definitely another blattant example. The 6 "animals" deserve to be treated like any "animals" should. Politics is a  fertile soil to harvest the state of being non-human. One attacking the other is an ordinary news in the media. You hardly spot an article in which they use their intelligent to win a situation. It's not about how to show your existence and stand out among the crowd, it's more on how to pull down the rest so that the animal in you can stand higher. I've seen friends turn into enemies at work, I have experienced sisters that turn into strangers in families, I have witness, children turned hostile for the sake of material wealth.
Life of Pi is just another movie, but it is also a different movie. It stripped you out with a question: which one are you?