Thursday, November 29, 2012


Student brawls. That was the beginning. Then came the genious ideas from the ministers' genious mind. A simple linear concept, fighting brawls with additional religion hours in schools. Based on such a simplisitic ideas they made it happen. The 2013 curriculum will add some other hours for religion.
Prior to these genious ideas, they cut off the curriculum. At the elementary level, 10 subjects were reduced into 6. for Juinior high they cut 2 subjects. Schools are expected to elaborate more hours on each subjects. The new additional hours for religion will definitely go against such purpose. Under the assumption that the general public of my country suffer from amnesia, they add some more hours for religion which will deduct the hours for other subjects. The government expect students to gain moral values through those additional hours.
I am not against adding more hours for religion. I question the purpose and the reason behind it. School should definitely be responsible to students moral values, but how responsible is responsible compared to parents? Can you prove that those additional hours will contribute to the moral values?  Should the moral values increase will it serve as a short cut to overcome the brawls? I believe the idea behind adding more hours will erasse negative behaviors are too ignorant. Behavior formation is a long story not a simple mathematic issue that could be solved with an additional two hour religion class. We have the role models comprises of leaders, teachers, parents, friends who are more powerful in behavioral formation compared to an additional two hour religion class. If they behave well, I dare to guarantee that it will minimize all the negative behaviors. If corruptors, rapists, robbers, liars, are still your closest neigbours, forget the idea of minimizing missbehaviors. Another basic question that boggle my mind, what are categorized missbehaviors? Unless you know the real meaning, you cant fight them. If you still dont know the difference between a corruptor and an angel. Forget all the idea, they are nothing but  phatic communication!


It's on again. The media as always play a leading role in making it on again. It's everywhere. Some say that they are targetting the Vice President (Tempo, 26 Nov-2 Dec, 2012). Some other say they need a sexy topic to redicrect the issues. Whatever the reason behind the exposure of the news, The Century Gate is there! My concern to this case focus on the classficiation of bank systemic risk.
The concept of system could be traced back to Ludwig von Bertallanfy, a biologist,  in the year of 1940. Von Bertalanffy was reacting against reductionism brought by Cartesian rationality view and made an atempt to revive the unity of science. To make a pragmatic explanation I would say that Von Bertallanfy had witnessed and felt the danger of the scientific atomistic approach in which every object in this reality is treated as a separate entity. In General System theory  “The whole is more that the sum of its parts.” Constitutive characteristics are not explainable from the characteristics of the isolated parts. The characteristics of the complex, therefore, appear as new or emergent.
Back again to the case of Century Bank, one of the reasons for providing liquidity assistance was based on the new criteria of systemic bank. Previously it was based on on quantitative scale. Banks with large capital were classified as systemic risk bank and would therefore be in the priority list to get assistance. Failure to one of them is assumed to have a systemic or domino impacts on the entire banking system. With the introduction of psychological criteria Century Bank which was previously not categorized as systemic banks was then included into the systemic banks.
If we trace the concept of systemic banks into the original theory of general system theory, the entire banks are to be considered as a system. Every banks are interconnected and interdependent of each other. The relationships are not solely based on economic reason. Psychological, political, biological and all spectrum of espitemology  are to be considered. Both the central bank and the government had circumsized the concept of system and left quantitative reason as the only consideration to name a system. Even a small bank will have impacted the system. It's just a matter of time. The small bank will take longer time compared to the big banks. In the end each impacts all.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012


I received two mails from her. I knew it was spam, but still I kept them there. The feeling that you wrote to me bring the memory of the past. I traced all the mails, one by one. The thank you letter that you wrote to me after our wonderful holiday. That holiday moment was wonderful, yet a bit depressing. I felt a bit restless because I knew that some might not like the fact that we all came to your house and celebrated Christmast. But we did it for you because we love you and we knew that you would not be here with us for long.

Sitting under the christmast tree with mom and you, reminded me of the past, the unforgotten past. Christmast has always been the best time of the year, the moment we all looking forward to. I always thought it was because of the presents, later when I grow up I realize that it was not the presents, it's the joy and merry of being together. The atmosphere is full of laughter and smile. Small fights in between that add flavor to the Christmast spirit.

I still kept the picutre. You and me and some other cousins under the Christmast tree. I held a box of christmast present in my hand and our cousins sat around us. The excitements, the joy were painted on their faces. Can I have those moments back? Just for a few hours, not more? Are you there Sister? Can you hear me down here? It's almost Christmast

Monday, October 15, 2012


Dear God,

I talked to a friend last nite. I talked about her and her shadow that has been chasing me. In times of sorrow and in times of pain, her name always pops up in my mind. She's my friend, my sister, my soul who's always there for me. I miss her so much. Rest in peace sister.

Saturday, September 29, 2012


The headlines of the news covered brawls among students in Jakarta. The first one occurred among two elite schools in the southern part of Jakarta. One student died after being beaked by a sickles. This news had not lasted too long before another students in Depok was killed folowing a brawl among students of two vocational schools. Enclosed are some pieces of interview with two Ministers on this issue:

The Jakarta Post, September 26, 2012 “We are sorry that violence is still rampant at schools. We are determined to make this case the very last of these brawls ever, and to transform these two schools into harmonious, top-quality neighborhood schools,” Nuh told a press conference with Jakarta Governor Fauzi Bowo and the principals and the two school committee heads of SMA 6 and SMA 70 state high schools in Kebayoran Baru, South Jakarta. (Hallo! Within the same week another student died in another brawls)

The Jakarta Post, September 27, 2012: Religious Affairs minister Suryadharma Ali put the blame on a lack of religious discussion in schools. “We will cooperate with the Education Ministry and the Home Affairs 
Ministry to add extra hours of religious subjects in schools.” (God please help our Minister he put all his burden on You and need to be reminded of his part. To all the houses of worship, mind the message).": Saya agak surprise. Saya tanya puas mas telah membunuh korban? 'puas pak katanya. Siapa yang gak kaget, membunuh orang kok puas," kata M Nuh kepada wartawan di Polres Jakarta Selatan, Jakarta, Rabu (26/9). ("Asking a question is indeed more difficult than answering it". Now I know what it means. Can you consider asking the proper question as part of our education subject? I am willing to be the first student as I see it as a big issue. Poor child, aside from your poor attitude, I feel sorry for having been stamped with the label that was triggered upon you).

Wednesday, August 08, 2012


I am over the barrel. Helpless and battered. I have been trying to understand what was the reason behind everything. I believe there is one if not many reasons that things happen to your life. God doesn't play dice with the universe if I may copy a notorious experession.
As time goes by, the veil is gradually open and provide a gap that lead me to the big picture. The headache is not yet settled, it's still there. But the hero is standing right in front of me, ready to protect me. You are not perfect, who is? With all your lacks that made me see you as a total imperfection is gradually changing. You protect us in time of despair and you do it in silence and full of patience.This is the first time that I admitted the fact that he's my hero. Thank you for keeping the patience so long. twenty six years is not a short time. Yet you are still there by my side.  Thank you. You are my hero, indeed.

Sunday, August 05, 2012


Dear God, can you spare your extra time for me? Can we sit down and talk? Will you listen to my story, to my version. I know you are there to provide me with the best way ever, I believe in You, no other just You. But can you put what I believe into reality. Just one or two? I don't need all. Just one or two, if I may.I will put them in my outgoing mailbox and send them to You. Please read them God.  I am so so so tired!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012


On Sunday, You said that I had to take the risk of walking in Your path. I gained my strength and prepared to walk on your path. On Monday, I realized that it was not easy, for the pressure was getting stronger. The tension mounted and they got closer to physical attack. There I was, waiting worriedly in the corner of my garden. 
Today is Tuesday. It's so much early in the morning. What will happen to my life on Tuesday? Will You bail me out, or do you want me to go on walking on the thin rope with all the risk? Please protect my family. Bless my mom, my daughters and my son. Give extra strength to my husband and tell him that I am waiting for him in the other end of the thin rope. You said You will protect me.

Thursday, July 26, 2012


Dear God,

I'm battered. Spare me. Please!


The weather is very much unfriendly lately. I did predict and sense the storm and hurricane coming. In my native language there is a proverb Sudah jatuh ketimpa tangga which more or less means similar with someone who falls out of a thirteen story window on Friday. The proverb refers to the continuous bad luck that occur to a person within a period of time. Soap operas make a huge profit out of this critical point. Heavy exposures on this area serves to hammer the heart and soul of the viewers. Once they feel battered and blue, the ads are exposed to trigger irrational decisions.

Good luck and bad luck are like my right and left hand. I use both to deal with this life. I see both as part of a cycle, if you go up, you have to be ready to go down. If you are happy you have to be ready to be sad. The black cloud that pass my door will always be there. I learn to accept it with a view that there will be the sun after the cloud. However, what’s written in my book of knowledge is not what occurs in reality. There is always a critical point that we have to deal with. A moment in which I feel battered and have to make decisions at the same time. The moment when irrationality dominates and I haste to make decisions to overcome the cycle of bad luck.

Action that spurs reaction. That’s me. The more I tried to get out of the black cloud the more I get drowned into it. My son suffers from ADD. I make a huge efforts to overcome it one after another, believing that this is what a good mother should do. I forget to take a silent moment and let my effort work before moving to a new effort. I’m proud of the fact that I have done my best effort to deal with it. I was chased by my own shadow and have never let my effort worked and be proven. The same thing happened with so many other things. I worked and spilled my blood and forget to let the silent moment fall in between, and let it disperse and become effective.

I remember vividly something that I have read in the past and felt that I completely understand it. “The eleven laws of the Fifth Discipline.” The followings are some of them, Today’s problem come from yesterday’s solution (A haste in making decision will contribute to future problems), The harder you push the harder the system pushes back (The more efforts I put on solving it the more severe the problem becomes), The cure can be worse than the decease (What seems to be a solution will only work for several moments before it turns into a real problem), faster is slower (what is the haste for?)

Tuesday, July 17, 2012


I dont know wether to call it good or bad news, but on Wednesday I was given a hint that I didn't pass the promotion scheme. There is a new trend on the promotion system, those who are included into the promotional package will be notified by phone and since I did not receive the magic call, I am not part of those who are going to be promoted.
Good or bad? That's another issue. Is it good or bad? Everyone was a sort of expressing their condolences to me. They feel sorry for what happened to my life. People in general see it as bad news.   As with me... I dont know what to say. I couldn't say I'm not affected but nor could I say that I am so much affected. To use the little finger that God granted me, I would say it affected me that much (showing my little finger). Please do not read it as a sign of underestimation or my retaliation to the reality...I simply feel that way.
My experience has taught me not to make an early assumption for what is bad or good. There is no single definition or truth about good and bad. It all depends on the context. Things that appear good in the beginning will turn out to be a disaster in the end. So it with the bad news that appear in the beginning will bear many fruitful things in the end. My being transferred to the new department a couple of months ago was one of the experience that made me see it as bad news. But as time goes by I begin to see the positive things in it and take the transfer with a totally different perspective.
In seeking of the meaning of this news, I have thought it over and over, and managed to gain some rational reasons behind it. Not being part of the promotion wagon, I will have retired within a two year time. I have my son and my family who probably need me more than this work. I challenged my reason from the financial perspective. Still I need some money to support my son. But then the voice within said, God will provide you with a complete package. If He appoints you to be in one place, He will make sure that you have or will have the relevant knowledge and skill to survive. So far I am blessed to have various experiences and knowledge that I could use to overcome the financial challenge. Sounds easy? No's of blood, sweat and tears. But let me say my perspective, the financial challenge is obsolete!
So what do I have to do now? This is my text in response to one of the so called text of grievances: " I believe that whatever provided for me are nothing but blessings. All I have to do is to wait for the meaning to open up the veil and exposed itself. Space and time carries the meaning with it, so I am standing here in front of a horizon waiting for the phenomena to appear. So..good or bad, it all depends....

Monday, July 16, 2012


My son started his new day in his new school. I got back home from Bandung. So we talked in his room. A calendar was on the desk. It was his school calender in his previous school. While I was adjusting the sound to the proper volume, he took the calender and suddenly he dropped it again. He said, I dont want to think about it anymore.
His statement was like a thunder that stroke my head. I couldn't believe that he made such a statement. Things must not be easy on him to move to the new surroundings and school. I definitely didn't want my son to be sad. So I gave him a hug and he cried in my arms. God, please take extra care of my son's heart. You put him in my hand a couple of years ago and I have always handled him with extra care. Now that my hands are not strong enough to carry his heart, do you think you can carry his heart in your arms? Please God, I beg you to help him grow.
I talked to my son and told him that within another two year time, I am going to retire. When the time arrives, his previous school is going to be too expensive for us. There is one of the reasons of transferring him to the new school. But the main reason was more for him. My boy needs a school that can help him grow and become his own person. 
I remember my conversation with the headmaster. 
HM: "What do you expect of your son?" 
Me: "I don't expect anything for he will have his own life. I just want him to be independent and be able to take care of himself. I am the one to be blamed for what happens to him. I spoil him. I handle him with extra care, and at the same time I did not teach him to be a grown up."
HM:  "We will be there to help you but you have to help him before we can help you."
Later when you grow up my son you probably will have a chance to read this piece. I want you to know that I have never meant to hurt you or made you sad. I want you to grow up and become your own person. It's just that I don't know which is the best way for you. Yesterday I thought the previous school was the best for you, then I changed it again to this new one. I have to admit that I kept on changing my plan, but trust me they are all based on my love for you and my intention to let your grow and become a real man out of a boy.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


Among all the candidates who run for the Governor position for DKI, how do you judge the one who fit? All the campaigns and all the media coverages provide flashy news on them. Most of them came up with the too good to be true programs to solve the perennial issues of Jakarta, such as the flood, the traffic, transportation and many more. They all come up with promises that they can not keep I might say and worst of all the public will definitely get carried away and vote for the heaviest promises. Later, they will regret their choices and grumble.
The opening for a number of top positions in my institution work with similar process. In my institution the board of governors are the decision maker to every promotion at this level. So everyone are trying to meet the CEO and wear the best attire and mask they could to impress them. Flashy stuff were thrown out in the air. 
The process has finished so far. Behind the scenes stories are all over the organization. How the member of  the HR steering committee cut the list of participants were just one story. All the documents and views of the supervisors are ignored. They use various indicators to cut the list to nominate their favorite candidates. The board's power to nominate is another. It is not less severe than the committee. One of them even expressed his power to nominate a person who claimed as a Phd graduate from one of the most notorious university in the world. It turned out that was the biggest lie ever. Still she managed to get through it. 
As a spectator, I notice the power of bubbling image. People are making any efforts to put themselves in the flashy bubble and make an extremely strong impression on those blind people. The key message is nothing but vote for me. And they manage to get the message through and get voted. Huh... what a reality.

Thursday, June 07, 2012


It's June again! How time flies. This is the end of school year. Fail and success are everywhere. On the street students celebrate their success in may ways. Some ride on their motorcycles, parading around the city. Their school uniform full of scribbles and squiggles of colorful pens. You wont notice those who fail for they also "celebrate" their success in a different way, hiding in their own dungeon. 
My son has to move to a new school. His grades are still at the tolerable level and he can move to the next level. However the effort that we have to spend to make him be at this stage is unbelievable. He has extra teachers everyday, be it mandarin, math, Indonesian and the rest of the subjects that he has to take at school. I definitely can push him all the way, but I believe all those initiatives have to come from his side.  I am aiming at improving his behavior rather than his intelligence. 
Unfortunately there is an issue that I need to deal with. In the new school, he has to stay in the second grade. The new school focus on both his intelligence and his behavior. He can definitely be in the third grade for his intelligence, however he has to stay in the second grade for his behavior. Behavior is more compared to intelligence. 
The truth is always torturing. But then it's the truth. And I have committed myself to provide him with what he actually need instead of what I want him to be. I still havent talked to him so far. I know I have to, sooner or later. If I tell him the truth, he might feel depressed, no matter how hard I'm going to convince him. It wont be easy to make him understand that if he stays in the same grade, he will be better off in the future. What is the meaning of success if it is only for a fleeting moment?

Thursday, May 24, 2012


A small gift for Angel who has been pedaling the circle of life too hard. Once was crowned and now drowned.

The last part of the Tragical History of Doctor Faustus

[The clock strikes twelve.]

O, it strikes, it strikes! Now, body, turn to air,
Or Lucifer will bear thee quick to hell!

[Thunder and lightning.]

O soul, be chang'd into little water-drops,
And fall into the ocean, ne'er be found!


My God, my god, look not so fierce on me!
Adders and serpents, let me breathe a while!
Ugly hell, gape not! come not, Lucifer!
I'll burn my books!--Ah, Mephistophilis!

a small note: Lucifer was also an angel...once.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012


So many things fly around my head. Zillions of ideas. I know what I want to pick when the right time arrives. But it has to I said, until the right time arrives. 
These lips of mine are intolerable. I should have sealed them ways before the ideas came boggling into my mind. But I didn't. Actually I did, but not entirely. I still open my lips to those I trust. Not knowing that those people whom I trust are the one that I should not trust.
These lips of mine they move easily and so goes the story. The story of my dreams, one after another. I sat there in the corner and rattled. Saying things with ease, not knowing that the one that I trust was busy jotting them down, in her mind. Her lips were parted and  melodious statement flew out of them: Shhhhh.... she said. Don't share your dreams to others for they may steal them away from you. I laughed, for I believe I know what's right or wrong. Sharing mine with her .... couldn't be wrong!
As time goes by, after a couple of months away, I heard rumors, a very loud one, that she's there, riding the wave of my dream. She sealed her lips, tightly! I heard it because the little bird whispered them to me. She left a scar in my heart, but she brought a lesson to my life. A very tough one, but a lesson remain a lesson. It teaches you something. Trust those who betray you, but trust them in a more sensible manner, trust them in a distrust manner.

Thursday, May 17, 2012


I am not her big fan, nor am I a follower of her news. But once or twice I do read about her controversial exposures. Lately her upcoming concert in Indonesia has occupied most of the news coverage. The authority does not allow her to perform in Indonesia for she might bring bad influences on the cultural aspect. FPI who claims to be a religious organization also refuses her performance. They claimed her to be the messenger of evil and Indonesia is a religious country. There are some other resentments threw upon the concert, however I go beyond them to find a consistent pattern which are currently in trend.  
Stop using your brain when you read or listen to the news. Comments and reasoning go beyond the grasp of logical reason, beyond the ability of brains to absorb and understand. It's mushrooming and become a real trend. Browse all the news on corruption! See how all those money munchers escape from heavy penalties using their illogical arguments. Read all the silly but powerful comments and reasons grow in debates and arguments on television. See how the empty brains argue and win.Do they really win?  they do! How can you argue them! What is the essence of arguments? A dialog that expect people to listen to others and express your own thoughts in response? This is not the case. Shove  all those theories and normative statements sideways. This is the survival of the fittest and this is not an intellectual debate.
The debate on Lady Gaga was aired a couple of days ago. Ratna Sarumpaet was one of the defender of the performance. It's not the performance actually, but she is fighting for the fall of  Indonesians into  disgrace.  We are human equipped with the ability to defend ourselves. We are above all God's creation for we have been granted brains to reflect. Self censorship will work and choose between what's good and bad. We don't need FPI to define what is right or wrong, nor do we need the police to defend the cultural issues. They need to focus on their own areas and most of all they need to focus on themselves. 
Lady Gaga is just like any other phenomena. Lady Gaga is just like the corruption trend among the Government officials or  the sex scandals of the member of the parliaments, horror movies that aims at stealing profit from the lower class. They are there in the open horizon, waiting for somebody to lurk and grab them. It all depends on us. We do have our own self defense mechanism. But of course this does not match with the logic of the no brainers. Those who win are those who speak louder. 
The political puppeteers  sat comfortably behind the screen, in charge of their controls on the no brainers. They are just a technology, developed to kill the logical of arguments and brought to the surface the new trend of no brain but gain.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


Between the Yes and No, there lies zillions of options. Where do I have to put my stance in between? This is going to be the recurring questions that will haunt my days and nights for two weeks. For within another two-week-time I have to submit the proposal that responds to the place between yes and no. It is not a new thing actually for I have presented my thoughts and concept. Unfortunately the lecturer claimed that I took a drastic stance by saying absolute no to technology. 
Heidegger suggested to take the yes and no position to technology. For technology has both it's up and downsides. Let me go through his concept and compare it to the yes and no position that he took. He claims that in this modern life we become the slave of technology. The anthropocentric view that occupied our paradigm has placed human being as the subject that dominates other human being and the surroundings. Focus of philosophy needs to be focused to  ontology instead of epistemology. 
To focus on ontological dimension,  Heidegger suggests to start with forgetting human. The concept of human as a subject need to be altered through the releasment or gelassenheit. Forget wiling and shift into non willing instead. This will take us to an open horizon in which we have to wait for movements or activities that will merge in the horizon and reveals themselves as das sein to the subject. 
Heidegger does say that we have to take between yes and no. But does he translate his stance into his concept? I would claim no! For turning down the subject as the center and allowing object to reveal itself in the horizon is a yes or no position. I don't read any symptons that indicates his between yes and no position. In a pragmatic way I agree with his claim, but conceptually I still don't get his logic. Share your opinions as to enlighten my between  yes and no brain.

Friday, April 13, 2012


The headlines of today's news focuses on the fact that an educational book for children of secondary grades covers a story related to mistress (istri simpanan). Almost all the news was trying to put the blame on the ministry of education for allowing the word and concept of mistress to be that part of the book. Tempo new covers a broadcast on twitter, asking the rational behind the decision to consider it part of education material. The ministry of education was so mad and promised to set up a team to find out who's to actor behind. The head of Dinas pendidikan regrets the incident and put the blame on his subordinates.

This is one among the series of jokes happened in Indonesia. There are many facts that could be cultivate out of this hillarious incident:

1. Have they ever done their job properly instead of condemning their subordinates or trying to to find the scape goat? They must be too busy to cater for their own self interest and forget their responsibilities. They always end up at the same corner, putting the blame on the ghost or on their subordinates.

2. Hypocracy. A mistress exists and it is a real case among the public. Dont they consider the case of AA Gym as part of story that contributes to the education of the children? Dont they think that case of some gay artists speak louder than the school books? Dont they consider that unsettled corruption cases are more the lesson learnt compared to school books? They read the news and listen to the infotainment more than they browse through their school books.

3. Have they ever considered that children have to learn from mistakes. And as far as I know, the story does not put the mistress high on a pedestal, instead they put it as part of an ordinary story out of which you can learn from the mistakes.

4. Female is objectified as always. The devil , which is the mistress, is female.

I stand in an opposing side to the rest. For I support the fact that educational book covers real stories of what is happening within our society. Let children learn through real cases instead of providing them with the life of wine and roses and creating a gap between their mental model and the reality.

Sunday, April 08, 2012


I am old. I was bold. But that was years back to the past. I am going to be 90 this June. My bedroom and the balcony are the only two places in which I spend days, hours and seconds of my life. I sleep most of the time, and if not I sit on the balcony for hours, watching the family come and go. They are all occupied, go to work, do some sport, go to the uni or simply go to school. They come back home late and could probably care less of my existence in the balcony. They do not even see their future in me, sitting here in the balcony, sometimes with the maids and sometimes with some rats that go back and forth.
I realize that I cant catch up with the language of today, and my memory could not accomodate more than a few sentences for a few minutes. I will ask the same question again and again until I notice some of them get impatience and slowly but definitely they leave me there on the balcony. There are times my other grandchildren call me and talk to me. I hear beautiful words flowing, asking about my health and telling me that they love me. Do they really? I dont know for I feel like a forlorn and forgotten old lady. I feel like I am just another burden to the family. If you really love me that much, dont you think you will visit me and accompany me in my old days? Sorry for asking too much. I just want some attention. Make me feel that I exist, talk to me and sit next to me.
When they are home, they are all tired or they have another subject to deal with. Again they ignore me. I used to be there, I used to be in their place. I used to feed the family. With these two hands, I brought into alive all my children. One by one they went away from my life. I faced two of my five children gone away to heaven. I watched the three of them facing the battle of life, each in their own ways. I am happy if you are happy. I am sad if you are sad. They come to me when they are sad, they walk away when they are happy. I will go away and I know you will all cry. Love is not about crying on the curb of my corpse, but love is about showing that you really love me. Talk to me, listen to my repetitive sentences.
I am just an old lady, sitting on this balcony, sleeping when my head is heavy. The balcony is gonna be your place in the future, replacing me when I'm gone. A place where you will shed your tears. Thinking how you wish I will have been there for you, in your sadness and in your madness.

Friday, March 23, 2012


Cold sweat ran through my forehead, running down to the sides of my cheeks before it finally landed on my neck. My entire neck was wet. I felt empty and dizzy. It's back again, whipping my nerves and body even harder than before. The pain was unbearable!
I asked Him again, what else do you want from me God? I begin to change, I try to be a better me. I am trying to do all my best to be yours. This is my temptation, this is my cross. I take it God and
I thank you Lord for all your blessings. If she is one of the blessings, I thank you Lord. I dont ask you to take this cross away from me, but pls give me strength to face it properly. I love her Lord, no matter how bad she is. Show me how to love her Your way, not my way.
Are you lonely my princess? Are you hurt? Do you miss your dad? Am I not good enough for you? Do you want me to accept him? Give me strength to understand her Lord. Save her from all the temptations, talk to her God, help me make her understand You better.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


It's been almost 3 months since I moved to the new department. Things are getting a little bit clear. I begin to see the big picture and begin to dive into the details. I have to enjoy it, no matter what, this is what life is offering me at this very moment.

About 3 weeks ago, the previous member of the board, came down to my place. He has gone through a lot of awful times. He was trying to look as if nothing changed. I saw myself in his reflection, trying to pretend that nothing change. I did not know what to say but the moment was boggling my mind. He then made a statement to me:"Finally you found your home." My home? Is there a place called home in this jungle? Anyway, I replied nicely: "Every place has to be my home Sir. There is no other way to keep myself comfortable then to treat any place as home."

Today I received my personal appraisal. Yes, as I predicted the old department classified me as mediocre. I travelled back to the past and saw the pattern, if the boss likes you (not your work) he will label you as superior and it works the other way round when he doesnt like you. I learn to carry this reality although it is not easy. As far as I remember, I create new things, I innovate and I dont just do the routine stuff. Anyway..... let it go...

This new place and new surroundings have turned myself into the new me. Have they? I doubt. I saw myself tracing back the path that I had been through in the past. I went back to the moment in time in which I felt myself as a good person if not best. The naked me, without all the labels without all the ornaments, sitting under the shade of His blessings. Thank you Lord for all the blessings.

Friday, February 17, 2012


It's been 9 years since I first wrote this blog. Many pieces were written down for my children. In fact I compiled some that had been written down for my eldest on her 17th birthday. I read them again and again this morning. I laughed while the crystal cried slowly rolling down on my cheeks.
I painted a life of honey and roses for my daughter, yet she chooses a different kind of life. I do understand that she has her own will, but I just feel sorry for everything. She seemed like running slopping down the hill. I watch her from a distance. She is miles away....
She quit her studies for the third time. She dated the wrong guy. She changes the nature and worked at nite and slept at daytime. She kept on lying, one after another and I let her go on... She hang out with people that heaven knows how.
My plan for her is not her plan. Her plan lies in the mind of her own. I let you go my princess... I let you lead your way. I believe that God will be around you.... while I am wathing you from the distance.

I had never taken any profit as much as I had with I believe most of the users of it will share my opinion. The previously known as Gigapedia offered millions of freebooks . Yes, they are free! They earn their profit from ads or from premium user.

A couple of days ago, I was browsing and downloading some books when suddenly the site went down. I did not know what happen and thought I might be coming back again the following day to continue browsing. But is not available from that day onward. I still did not know what's going on, and went browsing to know the reason. Apparently a consorsium of publishers had sued

It is really interesting to think of the concept of offering free books. On one side it is breaking the copyright law, but on the other side, it helps zillions of people all over the world to have free access to the collection of books. I happened to read somewhere that most of the users are people from developing and underdevelop countries. So both have ethical issues to address.

Some of the people are for the copyright issues. They showed their concern for the writers who spent their time on writing their master piece and get nothing in return once it becomes the collection of However most filed a complain for not having access to books anymore. It is stated that the rate of complain listed as one out of ten most posed questions in Google.

As for me, it is a hard blow. For I really make use the availability of it for my studies. I get a lot of books there. I wonder why there is no cooperation between publishers and sites such as They can collect money from users and in return users can get access to anybook without the facility to download them or whatever. Learn the behavior of users from and make something out of it. The ethical issues will be addressed from both sides.

I began to see the picture that had been predicted years ago while I was a student studying the new communication technology. It is predicted that ebooks will trigger new ways of making books available to the public. The fact that one of the biggest book shop had to be closed down is just one phenomena. A counter reaction was then directed to by the publishers. We have just to wait for the revenge from sites like I wonder why both are thinking for their own profit. Why dont they just colaborate to create a betterment for knowledge?

Monday, January 30, 2012


This morning the church was like any other Sundays. Dominated by old people and little children. The young ones were still in their deep sleep. Those who show physical presence are sometimes not really there. Their mind are travelling somewhere else. I am one of them, though not always.
But this morning was one of the special Sundays. Monster I was there. He was everywhere actually. The pastor was trying to drive it out of the church. Our body is supposed to be the church, but most of the times we treat it like a trash can. We put all dirty stuff inside and turn us into Monster I. Jealousy was one of the faces of Monster I. We envy others for what they are, do and have. That's positive. But it turns to be dangerous when it transforms into hatred. "I hate him because he could manage to write a book. I hate her because she has everything in her life." I am the Monster I.
I forget that I am blessed. I have my children and most of all I have His blessings. It's just that mine is different from others. I should have been proud of myself and express my pride with love. Love for my neighbors, love for God in my deeds not just in my dreams. Thank you Lord for depriving the monster out of me. Thank you Lord for making me understand what to do when the monster arrives.

Monday, January 23, 2012


Dear God, Is there such a thing as moving backward? Why is my life moving backward?
All my efforts seem to be useless. Am I not good enough?

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


I have moved to the new department. Like I said earlier, a swing from people to object oriented. Am I happy? I must say I am not in the beginning for there are so many thing that need to be caught up. Heaven know the future!
Yesterday was my farewell party with the old department. Some quite funny and entertaining programs were performed. I was being a total hypocryte. Actually I didnt want to attend it for I know I had to betray myself. Then I decided to go, for I know the kind of image that will be labelled upon me should I not. Yes, the paradox of dealing with the public is to betray oneself. I a kind of missing my old team. Forget it for it is not my destiny.
Today I hold my first meeting with my team. They are nice people, except for one of them who was trying to grab the entire atmosphere and be the centre of everything. I let him for he needs it. But you can not hold it too long mister!
The language was totally new, the job was totally new. Yes, I was there once, back to 7 years ago, but then I was not in charge of the current issues. and moreover the issues had not developed like it has today. One important thing that I learned as well, people tend to make easy thing look complicated. In this case, the projects are chopped down to small pieces and make them look sophisticate until you dont recognize the genuine face of it.
Bahhhhhhh...... the old me trying to fit into the new environment and the new people that dwell in it.

Saturday, January 07, 2012


Let me ask you to sit nicely next to me and tell you that you can not get out of your habit. You BS again, and it's getting even worse.
1. My friend went to Puncak last night and they asked me to go with them and they wanted to call you. I told them, not to for it's impossible that they would let me go. (I dont know how much you guys earn, but all of you must be stinkin' filthy. Every week end, it's either going to Puncak, to Bandung, clubbing or...heaven knows....where)
2. My friends are still asleep <-- that's the following morning at 7 am. (I wonder what they did in Puncak, left at midnite and at 7am the following morning they were fast asleep. It takes a genius to deal with your mathematics.
3. We want to buy dresses for the girls in our next event in Tanah Abang. Can I borrow your car? I said no, because I want to go to Bogor. (Later on she said, her friends were still asleep at 4pm, and when I told her that Tanah Abang is closed by 5pm, she said oh...we wanted to go to Cililitan <-- you must be talking to your friends in their dreams for they were still asleep. Btw, I hope that your events work well, Cililitan, the traditional grocery and fruit market, sells a lot of nice dresses.)
4. When we talked on the phone, I asked her about her friends trip to Puncak and she switched the topic right away. (Uncomfortable ?).
I dont want to say much except for a small comment: BS never die!!!!

Friday, January 06, 2012

Letter to God (4)

Thank you God, I have settled some of my chores. The proposals and the paper are done. I need to work on two other tough ones. Will you be there to provide me with strength and bags of ideas?


They are street vendors, but then the food taste probably better than a 4 star resto. I had my breakfast in jalan Lombok this morning. It is located next to two schools. Imagine, the people that gather there, they are a combination of all levels and class, rich parents, driver, nannies, people like me who are there to have breakfast. As many other street vendors, we have to strive to get seats and those seats are mobile. So, it is a common seen to see driver sit next to a well dressed lady or a group of parents mingle together.
This morning my curiosity has dragged me to open my ears and eardropping the conversation of a group of parents. The topic of discussion was holiday. Clear enough, today is the first school day after the long christmast and new year holiday.
Mother in law. They are the hot issue. One lady complained for taking her mother in law along for the holiday. Her mother in law was cranky and she ruined the entire holiday. They didnt have enough time to visit more simply because of her mother in law. The other lady continued to lead the discussion. She admitted that her mother in law is nice, still being old, they had to drag her and that made her holiday imperfect. The rest of the group seemed to have similar problems and took a lesson learnt of not taking their mother in laws in their next holiday. Poor mother in laws, they were sentenced in absentia.
The second topic went to the places that they had been. Some had been to Bandung and some other ones had been to singapore. They discuss the similarity and differences of those two holiday spots. The discussion was actually a media to express their life style, but they made it looked like a sharing moments.
I do understand that people need to gossip. I do! But listening to other people gossiping made me drag the mirror and looked inside it. I wish I didnt hear the conversation, for I plea myself as guilty. I am no better than them in fact I am one of them!!!

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Letter to God (3)

Dear God,

Is it time for me to cut part of my bodies as to be able to live healthily? Please give me a sign. I know it's gonna hurt me more than anything, but I know that it will help me to live longer. Another additional question, is it wrong to think of myself? I have been taking care of them for so long, is it okay if I begin to focus on myself now?

Monday, January 02, 2012


There are times that I suffer from severe headaches out of my adolescence decision. On the fifth the final assignment on Levinas have to be submitted. At this moment, I am trying very hard to understand and deal with the original text. I do understand the big picture of it for we have had this topic for the entire semester. But, writing about it requires more than just the big picture. I have to dig down deep into it before I could write a well analyzed argument on his thoughts.

I have decided on many things and I realized that I couldnt deal with them altogether at the same time. I wanted to start my own business and have been working on it. It takes a lot of energy, more than just the simple things that I had imagined. I have then decided on another new thing before I even finished the other one. I am faced by so many things that requires my energy to solve.

I had to face it and be responsible to what I had decided. I draw a list of things that need to be done. I started with my paper. I have to scribble it down by today and have it finish by tomorrow. Then I have to submit my proposal for the dresses and food by today. I am almost done with one of them actually. I have to move on with my dissertation and submitted it by January 2012.

Arrghhh...what have I done with my life. Trying to keep myself busy? Is this what I'm looking for in this life?