Friday, March 05, 2010


The room was filled with the cold freezing artifical air. All the desks and chairs were empty, except four at the front row. One lady and 3 gentlemen, looking firm and powerful occupied those desks and chairs. They gave me a stern look which made me shivered a little bit. I told myself that this is my floor, ready or not.

I took my books and papers out and put them in orderly manner on the desk. I straightened my throat to keep my articulation clear and sonorous. "I focus my research on the human side of Learning Organization. Human being...." I heard my own voice echoing in the empty room. I didnt really remember what I told them, all I wanted to do at that time was making things clear to them and got over it as soon as I can. I followed exactly the line of thoughts that I had prepared at home. The 15 minutes was soon over and I was sweating as opposed to the cold air that stinge my pores.

Those faces in front of me were expresionless. They purposely let silence fall in between us, and I swear that those moments were torturing me like death. Then the lady took over the situation. She opened up her sweet lips and shoot me with her questions. It was not just one question, but a couple of questions. I took a deep breath as to be able to overcome the pressure that she gave me with her questions. I reassembled my thoughts and began to answer her. One after another, we both jumped into a serious discussion until she finally looked reassured.

The next examiner added some more pressure as he threw some more questions. He was definitely showing his mastery over my proposal as he left me with two unaswered questions. But that was my battle, so I had to make sure that I could balance his questions. The following examiner took me even further to the unknown strange land. He posed questions I didnt and never thought that he would ask. Foucault, he wanted me to include Foucault in my research. That name I know, but what I know is just a name. I was totally numb when he was pushing me to adopt foucauldian concept. How could I say yes or no when I didnt know foucault. I took an in between position and nodded my head without saying a word.

The final examiner was my promotor. He knew that I had been out of breath. He wrapped up all the concerns and added one light question before he finally concluded the examination. I didnt care about the result at that time, for the only important thing for me was to get over it. They sat again in silence before they asked me to wait outside.
I sat on the stairs outside, sweating all over. Thousands of fears were chirping around my head. I was only waiting for 5 minutes, but I felt like ages. My promotor opened the door. I was startled and stood. He threw a glance and invited me to get inside the room. The four of them gave me a deep look. I looked at each of them, expecting to read a sign of hope. But they were again blank. My promotor stood and walked to my desk. He stopped for a second and said: "Congratulation, you are now a doctorate candidate. You need to make corrections on your proposal and submitted to me within a two-week-time."

All of a sudden, the cold air turned warm. So were their faces as they smiled and shook my hands. I went outside the class and screamed. My friends who were waiting at the end of the stairs laughed in delight. The joy was so empowering that I felt like I owned the thousands of stars in the sky. For a moment it was a relief. When I say for a moment I really mean it for I realize that I still have another battle to be tamed.


Anonymous said...

Hmm that's interessting but honestly i have a hard time visualizing it... I'm wondering what others have to say....

ibu said...

Thank you for your comment. That's the limitation of language and me I guess. If you would be so kind enough to give me a more specific details I would probably learn and improve myself.