ANGELINA

A small gift for Angel who has been pedaling the circle of life too hard. Once was crowned and now drowned.

The last part of the Tragical History of Doctor Faustus

[The clock strikes twelve.]

O, it strikes, it strikes! Now, body, turn to air,
Or Lucifer will bear thee quick to hell!

[Thunder and lightning.]

O soul, be chang'd into little water-drops,
And fall into the ocean, ne'er be found!

Enter DEVILS.

My God, my god, look not so fierce on me!
Adders and serpents, let me breathe a while!
Ugly hell, gape not! come not, Lucifer!
I'll burn my books!--Ah, Mephistophilis!


a small note: Lucifer was also an angel...once.

TO THOSE WHO STEAL IDEAS!

So many things fly around my head. Zillions of ideas. I know what I want to pick when the right time arrives. But it has to wait...like I said, until the right time arrives. 

These lips of mine are intolerable. I should have sealed them ways before the ideas came boggling into my mind. But I didn't. Actually I did, but not entirely. I still open my lips to those I trust. Not knowing that those people whom I trust are the one that I should not trust.

These lips of mine they move easily and so goes the story. The story of my dreams, one after another. I sat there in the corner and rattled. Saying things with ease, not knowing that the one that I trust was busy jotting them down, in her mind. Her lips were parted and  melodious statement flew out of them: Shhhhh.... she said. Don't share your dreams to others for they may steal them away from you. I laughed, for I believe I know what's right or wrong. Sharing mine with her .... couldn't be wrong!

As time goes by, after a couple of months away, I heard rumors, a very loud one, that she's there, riding the wave of my dream. She sealed her lips, tightly! I heard it because the little bird whispered them to me. She left a scar in my heart, but she brought a lesson to my life. A very tough one, but a lesson remain a lesson. It teaches you something. Trust those who betray you, but trust them in a more sensible manner, trust them in a distrust manner.

LADY GAGA IS JUST ANOTHER PHENOMENA

I am not her big fan, nor am I a follower of her news. But once or twice I do read about her controversial exposures. Lately her upcoming concert in Indonesia has occupied most of the news coverage. The authority does not allow her to perform in Indonesia for she might bring bad influences on the cultural aspect. FPI who claims to be a religious organization also refuses her performance. They claimed her to be the messenger of evil and Indonesia is a religious country. There are some other resentments threw upon the concert, however I go beyond them to find a consistent pattern which are currently in trend.  

Stop using your brain when you read or listen to the news. Comments and reasoning go beyond the grasp of logical reason, beyond the ability of brains to absorb and understand. It's mushrooming and become a real trend. Browse all the news on corruption! See how all those money munchers escape from heavy penalties using their illogical arguments. Read all the silly but powerful comments and reasons grow in debates and arguments on television. See how the empty brains argue and win.Do they really win?  they do! How can you argue them! What is the essence of arguments? A dialog that expect people to listen to others and express your own thoughts in response? This is not the case. Shove  all those theories and normative statements sideways. This is the survival of the fittest and this is not an intellectual debate.

The debate on Lady Gaga was aired a couple of days ago. Ratna Sarumpaet was one of the defender of the performance. It's not the performance actually, but she is fighting for the fall of  Indonesians into  disgrace.  We are human equipped with the ability to defend ourselves. We are above all God's creation for we have been granted brains to reflect. Self censorship will work and choose between what's good and bad. We don't need FPI to define what is right or wrong, nor do we need the police to defend the cultural issues. They need to focus on their own areas and most of all they need to focus on themselves. 

Lady Gaga is just like any other phenomena. Lady Gaga is just like the corruption trend among the Government officials or  the sex scandals of the member of the parliaments, horror movies that aims at stealing profit from the lower class. They are there in the open horizon, waiting for somebody to lurk and grab them. It all depends on us. We do have our own self defense mechanism. But of course this does not match with the logic of the no brainers. Those who win are those who speak louder. 

The political puppeteers  sat comfortably behind the screen, in charge of their controls on the no brainers. They are just a technology, developed to kill the logical of arguments and brought to the surface the new trend of no brain but gain.

BETWEEN YES AND NO

Between the Yes and No, there lies zillions of options. Where do I have to put my stance in between? This is going to be the recurring questions that will haunt my days and nights for two weeks. For within another two-week-time I have to submit the proposal that responds to the place between yes and no. It is not a new thing actually for I have presented my thoughts and concept. Unfortunately the lecturer claimed that I took a drastic stance by saying absolute no to technology. 

Heidegger suggested to take the yes and no position to technology. For technology has both it's up and downsides. Let me go through his concept and compare it to the yes and no position that he took. He claims that in this modern life we become the slave of technology. The anthropocentric view that occupied our paradigm has placed human being as the subject that dominates other human being and the surroundings. Focus of philosophy needs to be focused to  ontology instead of epistemology. 

To focus on ontological dimension,  Heidegger suggests to start with forgetting human. The concept of human as a subject need to be altered through the releasment or gelassenheit. Forget wiling and shift into non willing instead. This will take us to an open horizon in which we have to wait for movements or activities that will merge in the horizon and reveals themselves as das sein to the subject. 

Heidegger does say that we have to take between yes and no. But does he translate his stance into his concept? I would claim no! For turning down the subject as the center and allowing object to reveal itself in the horizon is a yes or no position. I don't read any symptons that indicates his between yes and no position. In a pragmatic way I agree with his claim, but conceptually I still don't get his logic. Share your opinions as to enlighten my between  yes and no brain.

THE MISTRESS (ISTRI SIMPANAN)

The headlines of today's news focuses on the fact that an educational book for children of secondary grades covers a story related to mistress (istri simpanan). Almost all the news was trying to put the blame on the ministry of education for allowing the word and concept of mistress to be that part of the book. Tempo new covers a broadcast on twitter, asking the rational behind the decision to consider it part of education material. The ministry of education was so mad and promised to set up a team to find out who's to actor behind. The head of Dinas pendidikan regrets the incident and put the blame on his subordinates.

This is one among the series of jokes happened in Indonesia. There are many facts that could be cultivate out of this hillarious incident:

1. Have they ever done their job properly instead of condemning their subordinates or trying to to find the scape goat? They must be too busy to cater for their own self interest and forget their responsibilities. They always end up at the same corner, putting the blame on the ghost or on their subordinates.

2. Hypocracy. A mistress exists and it is a real case among the public. Dont they consider the case of AA Gym as part of story that contributes to the education of the children? Dont they think that case of some gay artists speak louder than the school books? Dont they consider that unsettled corruption cases are more the lesson learnt compared to school books? They read the news and listen to the infotainment more than they browse through their school books.

3. Have they ever considered that children have to learn from mistakes. And as far as I know, the story does not put the mistress high on a pedestal, instead they put it as part of an ordinary story out of which you can learn from the mistakes.

4. Female is objectified as always. The devil , which is the mistress, is female.

I stand in an opposing side to the rest. For I support the fact that educational book covers real stories of what is happening within our society. Let children learn through real cases instead of providing them with the life of wine and roses and creating a gap between their mental model and the reality.

THE LADY SITTING ON THE BALCONY

I am old. I was bold. But that was years back to the past. I am going to be 90 this June. My bedroom and the balcony are the only two places in which I spend days, hours and seconds of my life. I sleep most of the time, and if not I sit on the balcony for hours, watching the family come and go. They are all occupied, go to work, do some sport, go to the uni or simply go to school. They come back home late and could probably care less of my existence in the balcony. They do not even see their future in me, sitting here in the balcony, sometimes with the maids and sometimes with some rats that go back and forth.
I realize that I cant catch up with the language of today, and my memory could not accomodate more than a few sentences for a few minutes. I will ask the same question again and again until I notice some of them get impatience and slowly but definitely they leave me there on the balcony. There are times my other grandchildren call me and talk to me. I hear beautiful words flowing, asking about my health and telling me that they love me. Do they really? I dont know for I feel like a forlorn and forgotten old lady. I feel like I am just another burden to the family. If you really love me that much, dont you think you will visit me and accompany me in my old days? Sorry for asking too much. I just want some attention. Make me feel that I exist, talk to me and sit next to me.
When they are home, they are all tired or they have another subject to deal with. Again they ignore me. I used to be there, I used to be in their place. I used to feed the family. With these two hands, I brought into alive all my children. One by one they went away from my life. I faced two of my five children gone away to heaven. I watched the three of them facing the battle of life, each in their own ways. I am happy if you are happy. I am sad if you are sad. They come to me when they are sad, they walk away when they are happy. I will go away and I know you will all cry. Love is not about crying on the curb of my corpse, but love is about showing that you really love me. Talk to me, listen to my repetitive sentences.
I am just an old lady, sitting on this balcony, sleeping when my head is heavy. The balcony is gonna be your place in the future, replacing me when I'm gone. A place where you will shed your tears. Thinking how you wish I will have been there for you, in your sadness and in your madness.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT BETTER

Cold sweat ran through my forehead, running down to the sides of my cheeks before it finally landed on my neck. My entire neck was wet. I felt empty and dizzy. It's back again, whipping my nerves and body even harder than before. The pain was unbearable!
I asked Him again, what else do you want from me God? I begin to change, I try to be a better me. I am trying to do all my best to be yours. This is my temptation, this is my cross. I take it God and
I thank you Lord for all your blessings. If she is one of the blessings, I thank you Lord. I dont ask you to take this cross away from me, but pls give me strength to face it properly. I love her Lord, no matter how bad she is. Show me how to love her Your way, not my way.
Are you lonely my princess? Are you hurt? Do you miss your dad? Am I not good enough for you? Do you want me to accept him? Give me strength to understand her Lord. Save her from all the temptations, talk to her God, help me make her understand You better.

NEW PLACE, NEW SURROUNDINGS AND NEW ME?

It's been almost 3 months since I moved to the new department. Things are getting a little bit clear. I begin to see the big picture and begin to dive into the details. I have to enjoy it, no matter what, this is what life is offering me at this very moment.

About 3 weeks ago, the previous member of the board, came down to my place. He has gone through a lot of awful times. He was trying to look as if nothing changed. I saw myself in his reflection, trying to pretend that nothing change. I did not know what to say but the moment was boggling my mind. He then made a statement to me:"Finally you found your home." My home? Is there a place called home in this jungle? Anyway, I replied nicely: "Every place has to be my home Sir. There is no other way to keep myself comfortable then to treat any place as home."

Today I received my personal appraisal. Yes, as I predicted the old department classified me as mediocre. I travelled back to the past and saw the pattern, if the boss likes you (not your work) he will label you as superior and it works the other way round when he doesnt like you. I learn to carry this reality although it is not easy. As far as I remember, I create new things, I innovate and I dont just do the routine stuff. Anyway..... let it go...

This new place and new surroundings have turned myself into the new me. Have they? I doubt. I saw myself tracing back the path that I had been through in the past. I went back to the moment in time in which I felt myself as a good person if not best. The naked me, without all the labels without all the ornaments, sitting under the shade of His blessings. Thank you Lord for all the blessings.

PLAN IT THE WAY YOU WANT!

It's been 9 years since I first wrote this blog. Many pieces were written down for my children. In fact I compiled some that had been written down for my eldest on her 17th birthday. I read them again and again this morning. I laughed while the crystal cried slowly rolling down on my cheeks.
I painted a life of honey and roses for my daughter, yet she chooses a different kind of life. I do understand that she has her own will, but I just feel sorry for everything. She seemed like running slopping down the hill. I watch her from a distance. She is miles away....
She quit her studies for the third time. She dated the wrong guy. She changes the nature and worked at nite and slept at daytime. She kept on lying, one after another and I let her go on... She hang out with people that heaven knows how.
My plan for her is not her plan. Her plan lies in the mind of her own. I let you go my princess... I let you lead your way. I believe that God will be around you.... while I am wathing you from the distance.

RIP LIBRARY.NU

I had never taken any profit as much as I had with Library.nu. I believe most of the users of it will share my opinion. The previously known as Gigapedia offered millions of freebooks . Yes, they are free! They earn their profit from ads or from premium user.

A couple of days ago, I was browsing and downloading some books when suddenly the site went down. I did not know what happen and thought I might be coming back again the following day to continue browsing. But Library.nu is not available from that day onward. I still did not know what's going on, and went browsing to know the reason. Apparently a consorsium of publishers had sued Library.nu.

It is really interesting to think of the concept of offering free books. On one side it is breaking the copyright law, but on the other side, it helps zillions of people all over the world to have free access to the collection of books. I happened to read somewhere that most of the users are people from developing and underdevelop countries. So both have ethical issues to address.

Some of the people are for the copyright issues. They showed their concern for the writers who spent their time on writing their master piece and get nothing in return once it becomes the collection of Library.nu. However most filed a complain for not having access to books anymore. It is stated that the rate of complain listed as one out of ten most posed questions in Google.

As for me, it is a hard blow. For I really make use the availability of it for my studies. I get a lot of books there. I wonder why there is no cooperation between publishers and sites such as library.nu. They can collect money from users and in return users can get access to anybook without the facility to download them or whatever. Learn the behavior of users from Library.nu and make something out of it. The ethical issues will be addressed from both sides.

I began to see the picture that had been predicted years ago while I was a student studying the new communication technology. It is predicted that ebooks will trigger new ways of making books available to the public. The fact that one of the biggest book shop had to be closed down is just one phenomena. A counter reaction was then directed to Library.nu by the publishers. We have just to wait for the revenge from sites like library.nu. I wonder why both are thinking for their own profit. Why dont they just colaborate to create a betterment for knowledge?

MONSTER I

This morning the church was like any other Sundays. Dominated by old people and little children. The young ones were still in their deep sleep. Those who show physical presence are sometimes not really there. Their mind are travelling somewhere else. I am one of them, though not always.

But this morning was one of the special Sundays. Monster I was there. He was everywhere actually. The pastor was trying to drive it out of the church. Our body is supposed to be the church, but most of the times we treat it like a trash can. We put all dirty stuff inside and turn us into Monster I. Jealousy was one of the faces of Monster I. We envy others for what they are, do and have. That's positive. But it turns to be dangerous when it transforms into hatred. "I hate him because he could manage to write a book. I hate her because she has everything in her life." I am the Monster I.

I forget that I am blessed. I have my children and most of all I have His blessings. It's just that mine is different from others. I should have been proud of myself and express my pride with love. Love for my neighbors, love for God in my deeds not just in my dreams. Thank you Lord for depriving the monster out of me. Thank you Lord for making me understand what to do when the monster arrives.

LETTER TO GOD (4)

Dear God, Is there such a thing as moving backward? Why is my life moving backward?

All my efforts seem to be useless. Am I not good enough?

NEW PLACE, NEW PEOPLE, OLD ME

I have moved to the new department. Like I said earlier, a swing from people to object oriented. Am I happy? I must say I am not in the beginning for there are so many thing that need to be caught up. Heaven know the future!
Yesterday was my farewell party with the old department. Some quite funny and entertaining programs were performed. I was being a total hypocryte. Actually I didnt want to attend it for I know I had to betray myself. Then I decided to go, for I know the kind of image that will be labelled upon me should I not. Yes, the paradox of dealing with the public is to betray oneself. I a kind of missing my old team. Forget it for it is not my destiny.
Today I hold my first meeting with my team. They are nice people, except for one of them who was trying to grab the entire atmosphere and be the centre of everything. I let him for he needs it. But you can not hold it too long mister!
The language was totally new, the job was totally new. Yes, I was there once, back to 7 years ago, but then I was not in charge of the current issues. and moreover the issues had not developed like it has today. One important thing that I learned as well, people tend to make easy thing look complicated. In this case, the projects are chopped down to small pieces and make them look sophisticate until you dont recognize the genuine face of it.
Bahhhhhhh...... the old me trying to fit into the new environment and the new people that dwell in it.

ANOTHER B.S

Let me ask you to sit nicely next to me and tell you that you can not get out of your habit. You BS again, and it's getting even worse.

1. My friend went to Puncak last night and they asked me to go with them and they wanted to call you. I told them, not to for it's impossible that they would let me go. (I dont know how much you guys earn, but all of you must be stinkin' filthy. Every week end, it's either going to Puncak, to Bandung, clubbing or...heaven knows....where)

2. My friends are still asleep <-- that's the following morning at 7 am. (I wonder what they did in Puncak, left at midnite and at 7am the following morning they were fast asleep. It takes a genius to deal with your mathematics.

3. We want to buy dresses for the girls in our next event in Tanah Abang. Can I borrow your car? I said no, because I want to go to Bogor. (Later on she said, her friends were still asleep at 4pm, and when I told her that Tanah Abang is closed by 5pm, she said oh...we wanted to go to Cililitan <-- you must be talking to your friends in their dreams for they were still asleep. Btw, I hope that your events work well, Cililitan, the traditional grocery and fruit market, sells a lot of nice dresses.)

4. When we talked on the phone, I asked her about her friends trip to Puncak and she switched the topic right away. (Uncomfortable ?).

I dont want to say much except for a small comment: BS never die!!!!

Letter to God (4)

Thank you God, I have settled some of my chores. The proposals and the paper are done. I need to work on two other tough ones. Will you be there to provide me with strength and bags of ideas?

BREAKFAST AT THE STREET VENDOR

They are street vendors, but then the food taste probably better than a 4 star resto. I had my breakfast in jalan Lombok this morning. It is located next to two schools. Imagine, the people that gather there, they are a combination of all levels and class, rich parents, driver, nannies, people like me who are there to have breakfast. As many other street vendors, we have to strive to get seats and those seats are mobile. So, it is a common seen to see driver sit next to a well dressed lady or a group of parents mingle together.

This morning my curiosity has dragged me to open my ears and eardropping the conversation of a group of parents. The topic of discussion was holiday. Clear enough, today is the first school day after the long christmast and new year holiday.

Mother in law. They are the hot issue. One lady complained for taking her mother in law along for the holiday. Her mother in law was cranky and she ruined the entire holiday. They didnt have enough time to visit more simply because of her mother in law. The other lady continued to lead the discussion. She admitted that her mother in law is nice, still being old, they had to drag her and that made her holiday imperfect. The rest of the group seemed to have similar problems and took a lesson learnt of not taking their mother in laws in their next holiday. Poor mother in laws, they were sentenced in absentia.

The second topic went to the places that they had been. Some had been to Bandung and some other ones had been to singapore. They discuss the similarity and differences of those two holiday spots. The discussion was actually a media to express their life style, but they made it looked like a sharing moments.

I do understand that people need to gossip. I do! But listening to other people gossiping made me drag the mirror and looked inside it. I wish I didnt hear the conversation, for I plea myself as guilty. I am no better than them in fact I am one of them!!!

Letter to God (3)

Dear God,

Is it time for me to cut part of my bodies as to be able to live healthily? Please give me a sign. I know it's gonna hurt me more than anything, but I know that it will help me to live longer. Another additional question, is it wrong to think of myself? I have been taking care of them for so long, is it okay if I begin to focus on myself now?

ASSIGNMENTS

There are times that I suffer from severe headaches out of my adolescence decision. On the fifth the final assignment on Levinas have to be submitted. At this moment, I am trying very hard to understand and deal with the original text. I do understand the big picture of it for we have had this topic for the entire semester. But, writing about it requires more than just the big picture. I have to dig down deep into it before I could write a well analyzed argument on his thoughts.

I have decided on many things and I realized that I couldnt deal with them altogether at the same time. I wanted to start my own business and have been working on it. It takes a lot of energy, more than just the simple things that I had imagined. I have then decided on another new thing before I even finished the other one. I am faced by so many things that requires my energy to solve.

I had to face it and be responsible to what I had decided. I draw a list of things that need to be done. I started with my paper. I have to scribble it down by today and have it finish by tomorrow. Then I have to submit my proposal for the dresses and food by today. I am almost done with one of them actually. I have to move on with my dissertation and submitted it by January 2012.

Arrghhh...what have I done with my life. Trying to keep myself busy? Is this what I'm looking for in this life?

LETTER TO GOD (2)

What do you mean by pain God? Still don't get your message clear! You promise that the temptations will always be bearable. Am I that strong. Please answer me!

ANNIVERSARY

I made stuffed grilled mashed potates. She ordered it the day before. She asked me: " how much are you gonna charge me?"

I said:" It's free!"

Then she responded merrily : "Thanks I consider it as the joy and happiness that you share with me for today is my wedding anniversary."

I put a smiling emoticon and said:" Well you got my message dont you? Happy Anniversary! May God always be with you and your entire family, lead a life full of blessing. My regards to your husband and kids, tell them I'm happy for them."

She thanked me sincerely and I quit off the conversation. My heart sunk deep into the wild ocean. My lips were sealed. I wanted to tell her that that day was also my anniversary, but things worked differently with me. My hubby was so far away in his own world. He has been in his own world for long and I was in the office earning my pennies. I didn't mind though for I have been leading this life for more than 12 years. It's just that my friends' happiness was bothering me. Her looking so much forward to celebrating made me feel small and jealousy occupied my heart. You might say I was romanticizing this life. I will say, I was. I tried to control my emotions with my ratio and yes it worked. I didnt tell anyone about it and tried very hard to pump it out from my heart. I didn't complain to anybody except for this frozen monitor in front of me.

At nite I went home and found my second daughter in her room. My other daughter wanted to go to Puncak with her friends. I was torn in between. I wanted to say, stay with mama. I need my children. Instead I told her that I used to spoon feed you with happiness but now it's your time to define your own happiness. If you wish to go just go. (hah.. I deserve a gold medal for this heroic action... hahahaha). My son, my precious, he's in grandpa's place. He needs friends. I starred at my monitor and hoped she would say I would stay. She didn't, so I told her to be careful. I went to my room and the maid followed me into my room. She wanted to do late night groceries shopping . My husband was still somewhere out there and he would pick her in the traditional market later on. I sat again in front of the monitors. I held my phones in my hand. I was hoping that God in heaven would greet me and said: Happy Anniversary! Sounds emotional, like I said I was being emotional. Yes and what is so wrong with that? I had every right to be dominated by my emotions.

Happy anniversary my hubby. We had been married for 26 years. We had passed the critical time and we sunk into the most unbearable time of our marriage. Find your freedom... I will let you go....I'm tired of everything. I entered my frozen escapades. A bubble I created myself to ease my pain.