I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT BETTER

Cold sweat ran through my forehead, running down to the sides of my cheeks before it finally landed on my neck. My entire neck was wet. I felt empty and dizzy. It's back again, whipping my nerves and body even harder than before. The pain was unbearable!
I asked Him again, what else do you want from me God? I begin to change, I try to be a better me. I am trying to do all my best to be yours. This is my temptation, this is my cross. I take it God and
I thank you Lord for all your blessings. If she is one of the blessings, I thank you Lord. I dont ask you to take this cross away from me, but pls give me strength to face it properly. I love her Lord, no matter how bad she is. Show me how to love her Your way, not my way.
Are you lonely my princess? Are you hurt? Do you miss your dad? Am I not good enough for you? Do you want me to accept him? Give me strength to understand her Lord. Save her from all the temptations, talk to her God, help me make her understand You better.

NEW PLACE, NEW SURROUNDINGS AND NEW ME?

It's been almost 3 months since I moved to the new department. Things are getting a little bit clear. I begin to see the big picture and begin to dive into the details. I have to enjoy it, no matter what, this is what life is offering me at this very moment.

About 3 weeks ago, the previous member of the board, came down to my place. He has gone through a lot of awful times. He was trying to look as if nothing changed. I saw myself in his reflection, trying to pretend that nothing change. I did not know what to say but the moment was boggling my mind. He then made a statement to me:"Finally you found your home." My home? Is there a place called home in this jungle? Anyway, I replied nicely: "Every place has to be my home Sir. There is no other way to keep myself comfortable then to treat any place as home."

Today I received my personal appraisal. Yes, as I predicted the old department classified me as mediocre. I travelled back to the past and saw the pattern, if the boss likes you (not your work) he will label you as superior and it works the other way round when he doesnt like you. I learn to carry this reality although it is not easy. As far as I remember, I create new things, I innovate and I dont just do the routine stuff. Anyway..... let it go...

This new place and new surroundings have turned myself into the new me. Have they? I doubt. I saw myself tracing back the path that I had been through in the past. I went back to the moment in time in which I felt myself as a good person if not best. The naked me, without all the labels without all the ornaments, sitting under the shade of His blessings. Thank you Lord for all the blessings.

PLAN IT THE WAY YOU WANT!

It's been 9 years since I first wrote this blog. Many pieces were written down for my children. In fact I compiled some that had been written down for my eldest on her 17th birthday. I read them again and again this morning. I laughed while the crystal cried slowly rolling down on my cheeks.
I painted a life of honey and roses for my daughter, yet she chooses a different kind of life. I do understand that she has her own will, but I just feel sorry for everything. She seemed like running slopping down the hill. I watch her from a distance. She is miles away....
She quit her studies for the third time. She dated the wrong guy. She changes the nature and worked at nite and slept at daytime. She kept on lying, one after another and I let her go on... She hang out with people that heaven knows how.
My plan for her is not her plan. Her plan lies in the mind of her own. I let you go my princess... I let you lead your way. I believe that God will be around you.... while I am wathing you from the distance.

RIP LIBRARY.NU

I had never taken any profit as much as I had with Library.nu. I believe most of the users of it will share my opinion. The previously known as Gigapedia offered millions of freebooks . Yes, they are free! They earn their profit from ads or from premium user.

A couple of days ago, I was browsing and downloading some books when suddenly the site went down. I did not know what happen and thought I might be coming back again the following day to continue browsing. But Library.nu is not available from that day onward. I still did not know what's going on, and went browsing to know the reason. Apparently a consorsium of publishers had sued Library.nu.

It is really interesting to think of the concept of offering free books. On one side it is breaking the copyright law, but on the other side, it helps zillions of people all over the world to have free access to the collection of books. I happened to read somewhere that most of the users are people from developing and underdevelop countries. So both have ethical issues to address.

Some of the people are for the copyright issues. They showed their concern for the writers who spent their time on writing their master piece and get nothing in return once it becomes the collection of Library.nu. However most filed a complain for not having access to books anymore. It is stated that the rate of complain listed as one out of ten most posed questions in Google.

As for me, it is a hard blow. For I really make use the availability of it for my studies. I get a lot of books there. I wonder why there is no cooperation between publishers and sites such as library.nu. They can collect money from users and in return users can get access to anybook without the facility to download them or whatever. Learn the behavior of users from Library.nu and make something out of it. The ethical issues will be addressed from both sides.

I began to see the picture that had been predicted years ago while I was a student studying the new communication technology. It is predicted that ebooks will trigger new ways of making books available to the public. The fact that one of the biggest book shop had to be closed down is just one phenomena. A counter reaction was then directed to Library.nu by the publishers. We have just to wait for the revenge from sites like library.nu. I wonder why both are thinking for their own profit. Why dont they just colaborate to create a betterment for knowledge?

MONSTER I

This morning the church was like any other Sundays. Dominated by old people and little children. The young ones were still in their deep sleep. Those who show physical presence are sometimes not really there. Their mind are travelling somewhere else. I am one of them, though not always.

But this morning was one of the special Sundays. Monster I was there. He was everywhere actually. The pastor was trying to drive it out of the church. Our body is supposed to be the church, but most of the times we treat it like a trash can. We put all dirty stuff inside and turn us into Monster I. Jealousy was one of the faces of Monster I. We envy others for what they are, do and have. That's positive. But it turns to be dangerous when it transforms into hatred. "I hate him because he could manage to write a book. I hate her because she has everything in her life." I am the Monster I.

I forget that I am blessed. I have my children and most of all I have His blessings. It's just that mine is different from others. I should have been proud of myself and express my pride with love. Love for my neighbors, love for God in my deeds not just in my dreams. Thank you Lord for depriving the monster out of me. Thank you Lord for making me understand what to do when the monster arrives.

LETTER TO GOD (4)

Dear God, Is there such a thing as moving backward? Why is my life moving backward?

All my efforts seem to be useless. Am I not good enough?

NEW PLACE, NEW PEOPLE, OLD ME

I have moved to the new department. Like I said earlier, a swing from people to object oriented. Am I happy? I must say I am not in the beginning for there are so many thing that need to be caught up. Heaven know the future!
Yesterday was my farewell party with the old department. Some quite funny and entertaining programs were performed. I was being a total hypocryte. Actually I didnt want to attend it for I know I had to betray myself. Then I decided to go, for I know the kind of image that will be labelled upon me should I not. Yes, the paradox of dealing with the public is to betray oneself. I a kind of missing my old team. Forget it for it is not my destiny.
Today I hold my first meeting with my team. They are nice people, except for one of them who was trying to grab the entire atmosphere and be the centre of everything. I let him for he needs it. But you can not hold it too long mister!
The language was totally new, the job was totally new. Yes, I was there once, back to 7 years ago, but then I was not in charge of the current issues. and moreover the issues had not developed like it has today. One important thing that I learned as well, people tend to make easy thing look complicated. In this case, the projects are chopped down to small pieces and make them look sophisticate until you dont recognize the genuine face of it.
Bahhhhhhh...... the old me trying to fit into the new environment and the new people that dwell in it.

ANOTHER B.S

Let me ask you to sit nicely next to me and tell you that you can not get out of your habit. You BS again, and it's getting even worse.

1. My friend went to Puncak last night and they asked me to go with them and they wanted to call you. I told them, not to for it's impossible that they would let me go. (I dont know how much you guys earn, but all of you must be stinkin' filthy. Every week end, it's either going to Puncak, to Bandung, clubbing or...heaven knows....where)

2. My friends are still asleep <-- that's the following morning at 7 am. (I wonder what they did in Puncak, left at midnite and at 7am the following morning they were fast asleep. It takes a genius to deal with your mathematics.

3. We want to buy dresses for the girls in our next event in Tanah Abang. Can I borrow your car? I said no, because I want to go to Bogor. (Later on she said, her friends were still asleep at 4pm, and when I told her that Tanah Abang is closed by 5pm, she said oh...we wanted to go to Cililitan <-- you must be talking to your friends in their dreams for they were still asleep. Btw, I hope that your events work well, Cililitan, the traditional grocery and fruit market, sells a lot of nice dresses.)

4. When we talked on the phone, I asked her about her friends trip to Puncak and she switched the topic right away. (Uncomfortable ?).

I dont want to say much except for a small comment: BS never die!!!!

Letter to God (4)

Thank you God, I have settled some of my chores. The proposals and the paper are done. I need to work on two other tough ones. Will you be there to provide me with strength and bags of ideas?

BREAKFAST AT THE STREET VENDOR

They are street vendors, but then the food taste probably better than a 4 star resto. I had my breakfast in jalan Lombok this morning. It is located next to two schools. Imagine, the people that gather there, they are a combination of all levels and class, rich parents, driver, nannies, people like me who are there to have breakfast. As many other street vendors, we have to strive to get seats and those seats are mobile. So, it is a common seen to see driver sit next to a well dressed lady or a group of parents mingle together.

This morning my curiosity has dragged me to open my ears and eardropping the conversation of a group of parents. The topic of discussion was holiday. Clear enough, today is the first school day after the long christmast and new year holiday.

Mother in law. They are the hot issue. One lady complained for taking her mother in law along for the holiday. Her mother in law was cranky and she ruined the entire holiday. They didnt have enough time to visit more simply because of her mother in law. The other lady continued to lead the discussion. She admitted that her mother in law is nice, still being old, they had to drag her and that made her holiday imperfect. The rest of the group seemed to have similar problems and took a lesson learnt of not taking their mother in laws in their next holiday. Poor mother in laws, they were sentenced in absentia.

The second topic went to the places that they had been. Some had been to Bandung and some other ones had been to singapore. They discuss the similarity and differences of those two holiday spots. The discussion was actually a media to express their life style, but they made it looked like a sharing moments.

I do understand that people need to gossip. I do! But listening to other people gossiping made me drag the mirror and looked inside it. I wish I didnt hear the conversation, for I plea myself as guilty. I am no better than them in fact I am one of them!!!

Letter to God (3)

Dear God,

Is it time for me to cut part of my bodies as to be able to live healthily? Please give me a sign. I know it's gonna hurt me more than anything, but I know that it will help me to live longer. Another additional question, is it wrong to think of myself? I have been taking care of them for so long, is it okay if I begin to focus on myself now?

ASSIGNMENTS

There are times that I suffer from severe headaches out of my adolescence decision. On the fifth the final assignment on Levinas have to be submitted. At this moment, I am trying very hard to understand and deal with the original text. I do understand the big picture of it for we have had this topic for the entire semester. But, writing about it requires more than just the big picture. I have to dig down deep into it before I could write a well analyzed argument on his thoughts.

I have decided on many things and I realized that I couldnt deal with them altogether at the same time. I wanted to start my own business and have been working on it. It takes a lot of energy, more than just the simple things that I had imagined. I have then decided on another new thing before I even finished the other one. I am faced by so many things that requires my energy to solve.

I had to face it and be responsible to what I had decided. I draw a list of things that need to be done. I started with my paper. I have to scribble it down by today and have it finish by tomorrow. Then I have to submit my proposal for the dresses and food by today. I am almost done with one of them actually. I have to move on with my dissertation and submitted it by January 2012.

Arrghhh...what have I done with my life. Trying to keep myself busy? Is this what I'm looking for in this life?

LETTER TO GOD (2)

What do you mean by pain God? Still don't get your message clear! You promise that the temptations will always be bearable. Am I that strong. Please answer me!

ANNIVERSARY

I made stuffed grilled mashed potates. She ordered it the day before. She asked me: " how much are you gonna charge me?"

I said:" It's free!"

Then she responded merrily : "Thanks I consider it as the joy and happiness that you share with me for today is my wedding anniversary."

I put a smiling emoticon and said:" Well you got my message dont you? Happy Anniversary! May God always be with you and your entire family, lead a life full of blessing. My regards to your husband and kids, tell them I'm happy for them."

She thanked me sincerely and I quit off the conversation. My heart sunk deep into the wild ocean. My lips were sealed. I wanted to tell her that that day was also my anniversary, but things worked differently with me. My hubby was so far away in his own world. He has been in his own world for long and I was in the office earning my pennies. I didn't mind though for I have been leading this life for more than 12 years. It's just that my friends' happiness was bothering me. Her looking so much forward to celebrating made me feel small and jealousy occupied my heart. You might say I was romanticizing this life. I will say, I was. I tried to control my emotions with my ratio and yes it worked. I didnt tell anyone about it and tried very hard to pump it out from my heart. I didn't complain to anybody except for this frozen monitor in front of me.

At nite I went home and found my second daughter in her room. My other daughter wanted to go to Puncak with her friends. I was torn in between. I wanted to say, stay with mama. I need my children. Instead I told her that I used to spoon feed you with happiness but now it's your time to define your own happiness. If you wish to go just go. (hah.. I deserve a gold medal for this heroic action... hahahaha). My son, my precious, he's in grandpa's place. He needs friends. I starred at my monitor and hoped she would say I would stay. She didn't, so I told her to be careful. I went to my room and the maid followed me into my room. She wanted to do late night groceries shopping . My husband was still somewhere out there and he would pick her in the traditional market later on. I sat again in front of the monitors. I held my phones in my hand. I was hoping that God in heaven would greet me and said: Happy Anniversary! Sounds emotional, like I said I was being emotional. Yes and what is so wrong with that? I had every right to be dominated by my emotions.

Happy anniversary my hubby. We had been married for 26 years. We had passed the critical time and we sunk into the most unbearable time of our marriage. Find your freedom... I will let you go....I'm tired of everything. I entered my frozen escapades. A bubble I created myself to ease my pain.

LETTER TO GOD (1)

Dear God,

Can you help me see things from your perspecitve instead of mine?

Amen.

THE FINAL MOMENTS

I began to feel the fear, the angst of what's coming. I have to take into my consideration that today will probably my last day. I hate this feeling, but it's there and I cant escape from it. I begin to adjust myself, to see everything from a distance. To perceive me from a diffent perspective than the I perspective. The strange me from the perspective of I.

The nature speaks the language of the final. Careerwise I'm almost done. Although I wont give up and never will. I plan to build another cycle of life. In the beginning I was very much enthousiatic about it. But lately I have been asking myself, is this what I really want, or is this just a self defense mechanism. Resistance resides in the beginning phase of change. Should it be part of the natural phenomena then it wont last long. It will diminish gradually swipe by the waves of change.

The family life speaks the language of the final. Except for my son, the family life seems to lead their own rythm. I'm outside of it. Maybe I am the one who remains inside of the rythm, but the rest change, they choose their own rythm. I try to grab what's left. My second daughter and my son. Deep down I know that I can only keep my son. For the rest I exist because of the pennies that I earn. Without it they will never treat me well. I have lost the best part in life, my sister. The one that I can trust, the one that really cares for me. I could compare our sisterhood with my mother daughter relationship. My mom has given me the best. God took my sister and trust me you have had the best part of life and you stopped right at the moment when they were about to vanish.

I scribbled down again my resolution for the year 2012. The unknown future that lies beyond my horizon.

2011 and 2012

Christmast has just passed. New Year is coming. What have I done throughout the year of 2011 and what I am gonna do in the year of 2012? 2011 will soon be over and I will call it the past. The past is not there for nothing, but the past is an experiential learning. A journey through the time and space. Unique and has its own story to tell.
I might say that 2011 have taught me a real painful lesson. This year I learn the hard fact of reality, I am a diabetic patient. Within the last 3 months I have been consuming diabetic pills. In the beginning I cant believe that this could happen to me, but as time goes by I began to get used to it and try my best to live with it. The next question that come across my mind is: How long do you give me time to live God?
The next curse that knock at my door is the fact that I have to release those people that I love to lead their own life and ways. Loneliness began to bite my skin. No more family time and I have only my son to look after. I try to adjust myself to this reality, not easy but then I have to face it. My mother is probably the best mirror of the future. I might end up my life like here, sitting on the sofa waiting for people to pay attention to me and spend their precious time to talk to me. Yeah... it's scary but I will soon land in that part of life.
I get transformed from the job that have always been my passion into a strange world that doesnt even cross my mind to touch. Imagine, from an extreme people oriented job into an extreme system oriented job. Worst of all, I dont have the right to say what I think of it, I didnt even get a response when I wanted to find out the purpose. Again I have to place a very huge excuse into my heart and brain as not to hurt myself more.
Another battle that luckily ended up like a fairy tale is my son (allow me to say end for I dont have the capacity to think more than just today). The sentenced was announced by the doctor that he suffers from ADD. But he'll grow out of it.... I know that God would never let me carry things that are too heavy for me.
Above all the sad things that happen to my life, God gave me sweets in between. Christmast which had lately been unbearable began to appear with a friendly face. It was not my typical childhood christmast but it made me happy. I gathered with my big family and felt the spirit of christmast running in my vein before it finally stays there in my heart. Thanks God....for the happy moment.
In response to all these things, I wrote down my resolution for 2012. I am going to set up my own business. Small in the beginning but very much altruistic. In the end of 2012, my product will be in the market.

DESSERT OF FORLORN

Lately, I felt like wandering alone in a dessert of the forlorn.

PASSWORD

One of the most frequent use security system is password. Everytime you log on to the system you need to provide your password. Once you did it, the system is open and we are inside or part of the system.

Lately I have been thinking about family life. I was wondering what make the family system turn fragile. Is fragility part of the rythm of a dynamic system or is it part of the threat that has access to the system. I believe both work, fragility due to the threat is a manifestation of a dynamic system. I then arrived to the conclusion that you can not escape from the dynamic rythm. Follow them but then you have to lead the process, you dont just follow and be led by it, but you have to lead.

How do I lead? If the stone get drilled by the drop of water, I need to find the drop of water that drilled the frozen heart. The only thing that could do this is the power of love. Love manifested itself in various forms. As to my case I decided to use a passwrod. I might be good in arriving to a conclusion and formulating the solution but Im terriblly bad at implementing it. So that password are just password that remains in the corner of my mind, occupying a space I called the secret hiding place.

I wrote it down here in this blog, and I wrote it down in my secret password. I sang the lullaby of love to you in my heart every night. I think of you when I swallow any food and wondering if I can save a bite or two. I let my finger chant the love song and gently touch your picture with it. They are all voiceless but they are all genuine. They are my love to you. My password to bind the family, the bond that has been torn apart. The song that remains unheard, for your ears, your eyes, your brain and your heart are all occupied by that bastard. I pray to you Lord, to use your love to solve my love, to save my family.

PROGRESS

My son is making a tremendous progress. His cognition, affection as well as psychomotoric progresses are amazing. Within this one week, he's been doing his homework on his own. I encourage him to do it regularly so that it becomes a habit. He is more independent now.

He gets better grades in all areas. Arithmatic, language, phonic are progressing. Chinese is a bit behind yet he is showing progress. I bought him a bike last week and he's very happy. He can play with his bike after he's done with his homework.

My next step is to encourage him to study tomorow's lesson independently. If you can pass this one, we are almost done for the rest depends on you.

ps. happy birthday to my long lost child. Hope God protect you and be with you always.