I LOVE YOU AND IM PROUD OF YOU

I thank God for having all my children in my life. There is always an event or incident that make one among them pops up to the surface level. My eldest, she is 23, she is beautiful and delicate. Of course she has her shortcomings, who doesnt. She is impulsive but deep down she is soft and cares a lot to others. She loves her brother and sister and takes care of them well. She is a thermometer that indicates my being a mother.

However life is not always good to her. There are times she gets real big punches in her life. My youngest who happens to be 7 years old has quite an attachment to her. I thank God for this, for my son needs more than just me to take care and look after him. But people perceive such closeness in a negative way. They make stories and create gossips that my son is actually my grandson and he is my daughter's son. It is easy to say...ignore them. But reality is harder than just words. The rumors and gossips spread out like germs, it affected her love life, her studies and most areas that she goes to, most crowds that she belongs to. I know she is unhappy about it, but I wish I could tell her that my heart is bleeding to see her carrying the cross.

Dear God, help my daughter, provide her with strength so that she can face the world. Give her your blessings Lord. I am not asking you to take away the cross from her, but give her strength to carry the cross.

Put, I am so proud of you. How you take things lightly and how you sacrifice yourself for your brother. I am definitely sure that God will be with you in every steps you take and we, your dad and I, will always be there for you. You are my daughter, you are my precious. We love you.

OF SWEAT AND BLOOD

Most people love to lead a leisure life. But not too many would spend their sweat on it. So some cheat on others. The announcement that there is an opening in an international organization has awaken me of my tranquility. After a week of deep thought I wrote down my application and sent it to the appointed mail address. After a week I didnt receive any response and felt a bit disturbed. So I decided to give up my hopes.

Yesterday, I received a positive response. The international organization had considered my application and requested me to follow a written interview. A form was attached and I had to fill in the form. I filled the form right away and sent it. It was no longer than two hours when they replied to my mail and congratulate me. I was so happy until I found another mail that notified me that they would consider my application and would let me know as soon as they can. I am astonished by the fact that there were two contradictory mails. So, I decided to discuss it my friend, who happened to receive a positive confirmation earlier.

She was startled by this fact. We soon realized that there was something wrong with all these offers for they asked as to send some money for the induction program.This is the point where we both realized that they are nothing but a bunch of cheaters. My friend hurriedly went to the bank to cancel her wired transfer. Lucky enough, she could get her money back.

As with me, thank you Lord for reminding me that there is no free lunch. I have to get back to my current post and shed my sweat and blood to earn my life.

SAD AND HAPPY

My application to be part of an internasional organization has not received any responses yet. I sense that they have refused to hire me because of my age and my background that doesnt fit the demanded competencies. Anyway, this is what life is all about, sometimes you win and some other time you loose.

I presented some materials on change in a local company yesterday. They gave me quite an enormous amount of financial reward. An amount that went beyond my prices all this time. Im happy not because of the money, but simply because I feel that I exist.

I talked to a friend who managed to pass the entry test for the vacancy in the international organization. Deep down in my heart I'm happy for her. Life has been not really that good for her and I think she deserves to get that position. It will serve as an eye opener how my organization has been neglecting their best employees, simply because they couldnt catch up with the way those progressive people think.

I only have my dissertation to work on. Im going to focus on it. And I have my family to take care of, yes financially I have to take care of them. Sometimes I feel it's unfair... because none of them have ever...ever given me just a little bit of attention, be it on my birthday or during christmast time. I have never found a small gift from my family me on christmast time. Sometimes I believe that they just want to make a surprise for me... so I probably would get it by tomorrow ...and I waited...tomorrow...the day after tomorrow and on the third day..I stop hoping that I will get something from them and I cut off my illusionary dream.

Hah..happy and sad, they are part of me...and they are part of everybody... im happy and im sad...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Yesterday was my birthday. Goodness, time flies. I received quite many birthday wishes from friends and from people that I dont remember anymore. Anyway, it's there, thank you for your kind attention and most of all thank you for your little prayer. They do mean a lot, especially when it is based on sincerity.
Like many years that have gone by, I expect to see surprises when I got up, but again like many other years, the surprise is not there. Life just goes on, like yesterday, the day before yesterday and many other days in the past. So I wiped off my expectations and put my boring "attire" to face the day.
This morning, I woke up rather early, and stay in bed. The perenial question was there again my head. It had been there yesterday, on the way home from the dentist. We both met on the training event prior to the 1985 SEA Games.
me: "What was your first impression on me when we first met?"
hubby: "You have your own world, you hardly hang around with others. You went straight to your room and not an easy person to get close to."
me: "Is that so?" ( I was hoping that he wanted to make some corrections on his statements)
hubby: "yes", he responded abruptly.
This morning as it came back, I remember the psychologist statement:
psy: "It's really suprising to know that you are a Public Relations practitioner. You dont seem like you have the call to do this profession."
me: "But I did, and i'm happy with it."
psy: "yes, but you could be happier if you do other things."
I wonder if I really have been such a personality that hard to deal with. The only thing that I know, I enjoy doing things on my own and I love to explore this life alone.
God, thank you for allowing me to inhale another year of fresh air. Thank you for allowing me to explore the painful and the beauty of life. Bless me Lord!

A LETTER TO MY SISTER

Dear Sister,

I'm sitting on my own in this lonely planet. I actually had a lot of papers to finish, but then my mind has stopped working. In fact it refuses to work these last days. A disturbed feeling has been toying my heart and made me ride on an emotional roller coaster. Is it because of the papers? Have my studies burnt my head and my mood? Is it me? or Is it my family? Is it my work? I am darn bored with everything.
I miss you sister! I really miss you sooo much. I don't know whom I can share my problems with. I hope you are doing well up there. I hope you are not in pain anymore. I feel so lonely.
Our brother is now at my home. My pain of loosing you has turned even worse, when I saw him. I remember the time when we visited him just for 3 days. We went to the cheese factory and we went to see our relatives. We went to see the flowers in Lisse. Those were happy times. I remember him watching you and I closely and deeply. I remember his expression when he said, I could hardly believe that both of you are here with me. I had to admit that I was so happy at that time.
Remember when we, mom, our brother, you, the kids and I, spent our holiday at Rosa's place together? You and I had a big fight. I told you that I don't need you for I think you were taking over my freedom. I regret saying those things sister. At that time, I really felt that you were squeezing us too much. I know that you didn't really mean to do it. But that's what you are. You always try to lead. In most cases I had been so proud of you sister and I love you.
I can not mention the moments one by one... since they are so many... and they are all beautiful moments. I still have those stories about our holiday in New York, then another one in LA. That one I was with my children and Mom. Thank you sister...for all the love, for all the beautiful moments.
Forgive me sister, forgive me God. I couldn't be there for you when you needed me most. You just don't know how painful I felt inside, how much I regret myself for not being able to be close to you. And it hurts even more when your husband told me that until the last 5 minutes of your life, you were still waiting for me. I would do anything just to turn the clock back to the past and be there for you. I swear I didn't know that you were in your final stage at that time. I couldn't put myself on the plane. It was the highest season of the year, it was December sister, it was Christmast. Your husband told me that I am the one you love most in your life. I love you too sister.
Your daughter told me that your family celebrate christmast in your bed, because you were to weak to move. I know all those stories, a couple of months after you passed away. When I talked to you, you sounded not good, but then it happened a couple of times and you got better again. You wanted me to come in April 2010, because you assumed by that time you would have been better and we both could have traveled together.
Sister, you still owe me a trip together to Europe. We planned it two years ago before you knew that you suffered from CA. Then we postponed it to the following year, then we postponed it again to 2010. April has passed sister. June has almost passed. I don't miss Europe, I don't miss Greece, I miss you, our being together, laughing, gossiping and sometimes we had little fights that glue our heart even stronger.
Sister, time is flowing aimlessly, I miss you and miss you.... and miss you even more...as time goes by I realize even more how much you mean to me...

WAKE UP!!!

Ever since my children were little kids I woke them up in the morning. It's not always been easy since they all love to sleep. Who doesnt? As they grow up, I hardly wake them up, since I realize that they have become their own person. But then, the essence of waking them up never stops.

As grown up, they begin to fall in love. Love has the tendency to make people sightless. Some even fall asleep and and landed in the space of dream. My daughter is not an exception. She dreams the beautiful dream of love. She truly believes that what she sees in the dream is nothing but the reality. She doesnt realize that reality will only turns into reality once you jump into it.

I try to wake her up. If only she had been the same little kid, I would have waken her up everyday. I knew that I would turn into nothing but a nuisance to her. But...alas it's so hard to make her understand that it's not for me....it's for her....

IT'S KILLING ME!!!

"All I he wanted to do is free literature from the tyranny of a single school of thought, to open debate"

Arrghhhh.... again another assignment to get over with. This time I have to present a chapter on methodology in culture studies, poststructuralism and postmodernism. Normally I dont really mind reading in fact I enjoy it much. But this topic is really killing me, for it shattered down the mainstream ways of thinking which focues on one objective universal approach into subjective multiple approaches. So...what is it? I dont know for definition is like a cage that controls the freedom of interpretation. So it leaves us with an open access to meaning.

One among the main thinker of this era is Derrida and his deconstruction method. Deconstruction was there as an opposition to logocentrism. Logocentrism is a metaphysical inheritence of ideas which is asserted to pervade all Western tradition from Plato onwards and gained ground in the 18th century Enlightenment movement with the birth of modernity. Such point of view offers the notion that there are some rational, global solutions and explanations, some general principles which guarantee progress in the development of knolwedge.

Deconstruction opposes such myth of grand narratives and replaces it with local and little narratives. He roposes 3 little steps in deconstruction: (1) the first one involves a destruction of the dominating picture in favour of what was hidden, dominated; (2) the second involves a destruiction of both the dominating and the dominated poles; (3) constructing a new and wider new pole.

I just wonder the interconnection between such method with the work that I'm currently dealing with. I try to translate the concept into my simple daily language of work and I'm still trying to read all the text with the 3 little steps in mind. I dont know how others find my experience but I am honestly confused.

Eghh...going back to the main topic.... it's due this Thursday...hopefully I can get it done by Wednesday.

nb: illustration is taken from http://www.qwantz.com/fanart/DerridaRoar.png

Wanita "bodoh" dan Lelaki "pintar"

The following article is written by my daughter:

Wanita "bodoh" dan Lelaki "pintar"

wanita bodoh bukan karena dia memang bodoh..
tetapi dia bodoh bila dihadapan seorang lelaki pintar
lelaki pintar bukan karena dia memang pintar
tetapi dia pintar bila sedang berbicara dengan wanita
bodoh karena mau saja dibodohi
dan pintar karena bisa membodohi wanita
apa mau seperti itu terus
seorang wanita seharusnya bisa berusaha untuk tidak menjadi bodoh
tetapi apa daya sang lelaki terlalu pintar dan sang wanita mau saja dibodohi...
wanita tidak berusaha untuk keluar dari kebodohonnya
dan itu semakin menggampangkan kerja si lelaki
Coba kita lihat dari beberapa poin yg membedakan lelaki sekarang dan lelaki jaman dahulu
Uang :
zaman sekarang sangatt sudah terbalikk....sekarang justru si lelakilah yang MATREE...memang banyak wanita juga yang matre..tapi maksudnya adalah apakah pantas seorang pria mempunyai sikap seperti itu?? Zaman sekarang sebagian dari pasangan yang banyak mengeluarkan duit adalah sang wanita...sampai dia rela berboong kepada orang tuanya demi membayari si cowok....contoh berikutnya..coba kita perhatikan sekeliling kita...misalnya teman kita...pasti ada seorang lelaki ganteng berpacaran dengan seorang wanita gendut dan berwajah kurang menarikk....sebenarnya si pria tidak begitu menyukai sang wanita tetapi apa mau dikata kalau sang wanita tajirnya setengah mati setengah mampus
Sikap :
saya sangat dapat melihat sikap pria yang suka seenak jidatnya sendiri...contoh ini saya ambil dari kasus orang terdekat saya.....beribu-ribu kali pacarnya meambohongi dia...beribu-ribu kali dia menangis dan memaki-maki...tetapi beribu-ribu kali itu juga dia memberi maaf.....apakah itu dikatakan sayang...menurut saya itu salah...mungkin memang benar si wanita menyayangi si pria..tapi bagaiana dengan si pria...alasan apapun yg membuat dia berbohong...bohong tetaplah bohong...seharusnya apabila dia menyayangi kita walaupun susah pasti dia akan mencoba berkata jujur...


sebenarnya masih banyak contoh-contoh lain...tapi itu juga nggak begitu penting kalo dari dalam diri kita tetap tidak menyadari bahwa sang lelaki sangatlah pintar dalam membodohi sang wanita....
sadarrlahh...itu sudah merupakan tanda dari Tuhan bahwa dia bukan yang terbaik untuk kita...dari pada kita membuang waktu dan terkurung dalam satu orang lelaki yang sudah jelas menyia-nyiakan diri kita...lebih baik kita mencar orang yang jauuuhhh lebih baik untuk kita..yang memang telah Tuhan siapkan untuk kita....memang itu semua sulit...tapi akan jauhh semakin sulit untuk keluar dari permasalahan ini apabila tidak diselesaikan secara cepat.....jadi berusalah untuk lepas dari mereka dan pergilah untuk mencari yang terbaik bagi kita

IBU SRI: One in a Decade Phenomena

If the cycle of the season in Indonesia is approximately 6 months and in the four seasoned country is more or less, 3 months, the appeareance of a personality like Ibu Sri happens only once in a decade. I dont know her well. I only met her during the G20 meeting in Melbourne a couple of years ago. But somehow she has left a very deep impression. I was a public relations officer for the gigantic cubicle at that time. So, the journalists that came with me requested an opportunity to interview her. Her straightforwardness and her conceptual position was really different from most leaders. As far as my country concern, she is probably one in a decade phenomena. The entire time and space conspires with her and foster the unique, strong and smart leadership in her.

The news that broke out lately about her being appointed as one of the managing director for the World Bank has left me with a perturbed feeling. I believe I am not the only one. I am proud of her for there has never been in the history that an Indonesian is offered such a high position in an international organization. However, at the same time I feel sorry for my country. Like I said...she is one in a decade phenomena and my country didnt use the opportunity well.

Some bozos who managed to rob this country have done their utmost to get rid of her and win. We'll see, how long this bozos can stand the storm. The hot money that they earned will one day be the reason that will put them in the disgrace position.

Ibu, I dont know you in person, but from the deepest part of my heart allow me to congratulate you on your new appointment. Everything about you is nothing but a flare of success. I truly believe that the World Bank will benefit a lot from you. And I feel sorry for the fact that our country is not ready to face the concept of clean and honest government for we all still controlled by a bunch of rogues. I'm proud of you Ibu Sri !!!

BIRTHDAY

I still have another 2 months to go before my birthday. I just wonder why people celebrate birthday, as for me it is the time to do some reflection of what has happened and what need to be done. Some people do it on new year's eve, sure it's not a problem. My preference is to do it on my birthday.

My Son's birthday fell on the 15th of April. It was a Thursday. I took a day off to join his birthday celebration at school. As he blew the birthday candle, I could see the glow of happiness shone from his eyes. It grew even more when he distributed the small gifts for his friends. It must have been the party and the fact that he was being the centre of attention that makes him happy.

April 19 is my sister's birthday. She died on the second of February this year. So my mind was set on her all the time. The fact that my training session would be held in Colorado made the memory of her occupy my entire day. I felt a bit moody and empty. My cousin texted me telling me that the flower that my sister had given her was in bloom for the first time. Do you celebrate birthday up there Sis?

April 20 my son arrived home with a bag of sweets and toy. He told me that that day was his best friend's birthday so he took home the gift and took extra care ever since. As with me, I went to the volley ball field and we had a game with another team. After the game was over, someone from the team asked me my age. ? I didnt respond to her instantly, instead my mind was wondering if I told her that I am younger than I am, would she believe in it. Age is sometimes use as an indicator of our actions. If I told her my real age she probably wouldnt believe it.

Birthday is to celebrate the fact that you are given another year to follow. Whether it's equal to happiness or not it depends on each. To those who see it as a celebration, it depends on how sucess ful the celeberation is. To those who had already passed away, their birthdays serve as the day where everyone think of her and link anything possible with her birthday. To those who are who see birthday an aging process, birthday is not a pleasant news.

ORANG UTAN

They call Borneo their home, for more than 60% of the total Orang Utan population live in Borneo, in a small island surrounded by a river. Native to Indonesia, in the rain forest of Sumatra and Kalimantan specifically, Orang Utan is the only Asian living genus of great ape. The word Orang Utan is adopted from Indonesian, in which orang means man and utan means forest.

The forest fire that broke out a couple of times in Kalimantan has left many baby Orang Utan without roof over their head. Thanks to the Borneo Orang Utan Survival Foundation who establishes an education centre in Nyaru Sampang as to prepare the babies to get ready once they are set free in the rain forest.

Nearby Nyaru Sampang there is an island where Orang Utan are set free into their real habitat. Every lunchhour a boat will sail to the island. A bunch of Orang Utan will cluster nearby the boat, waiting for their food. We took Klotok, a small traditional boat, to travel around the island to see the Orang Utan. Even though we arrived behind schedule, we managed to see a big Orang Utan among the branches nearby the riverwith a big plastic on his head to protect himself from the burning sun. He was sitting on the branches in the swampy area nearby the water. The root of the the Rhizophora plants have turned the water black.

THE SPICE ISLAND

Ambon, an island in the eastern part of Indonesia, hampering across 377 Km2 with more than 400 thousands of occupants has once been the most favorite place of the Dutch colony, called spice island. Recently a religious conflict between Islam and Christian broke out. The long drawn out conflict is now over.

The conflict has left most of the areas neglected. A once known as a clean and pleasant place to visit, feels more like a place where only the fittest survive. Attention is now directed to rebuild the economy. It is a common practice that economic development can not escape from the claw of politics. The physical conflict is over, yet the invisible conflicts are still silently murmured. There will be a possibility that religion will again be utilized to disguise the political battle. When the talking animals are in conflict, the presence of Leviathan is in need.

MOVIE REVIEW: THE CENTURION GATE
RATING: R for violence and language

Starring the notorious Rogue, bozo, clowns.

Post election, a moment which is normally cramped with consolidations, worked the reverse way in the land of opportunists, called Indamnesia. An evil genius, Rogue, seeks to conquer the ruling party in Indamnesia ; he is assisted by a bunch of thugs and an army clowns.

There were two types of Clowns: Big Nosey Clowns, the most commonly seen clowns, are walking funny robots with laser blasters for arms, while the Respectful clowns are specialized indisguised backstabber armed with invisible missiles and lasers. They are joined on many occasions except when the steel yard that measures power indicates a reverse position than the previous. At such time, the Respectful Clowns, wearing armany clad, appeared as the wise to backstab for the benefit of any enemies that would share their power with them. Whoever win, the respectful clowns win, be it the Rogue or the ruling party.

Unlike all the well directed scenes and the well crafted cinematography that depict the battle, the movie was dominated by physical conflicts and obscene language. In an interview the extreme wealth Bozo, who intelectually directed this movie, admitted that such fact and claimed that such is very common in order to bring up the main theme of the movie which is "Extreme Power". He also claimed that his movie has gone beyond the ordinary soap operas and deserves to be reffered as a breakthrough in the movie industry. The fact that it is rated as R for violence and language, doesn't change the reality that this movie is nominated for an award in the forthcoming rat carpet event.

BEHIND NUMBERS

One of the assignment that I have to deal with next week is presenting the economic dimension of globalization. It is assigned to me about a month ago, but I find it extremely difficult since economy sounds Greek to me. Another thing, I dont like numbers, in fact I hate numbers and I begin to stronly believe that the more you hate something or somebody, the more you have to deal with it.

The article, written by Paul Bairoch, is full of numbers. It's a historical trajectories and he analyzes a series of data on international trade to see the long term impact of them. I am quite lucky that two friends of mine happen to major in economy and expert in the area of finance. So they explain the economy theory on international trade as a background for me to read the article.

Bairoch notices the increase of GDP commencing as of pre world war 1 up to the 1996. However those number represent the economy of the developed countries, which represent only 15% of the total population. 85% of them are obliterated from the discussion of growth. Aside from the noted increase that has been recorded by the developed countries, they have entered a negative phase of the economic, especially social plains. Bairoch mentioned 6 characteristics of which I quoted only three major ones: a growing inequality in the distribution of revenue, greater employment instability, a more negative evolution in unskilled labor conditions; lower salaries and loss of jobs.

The numbers have succeeded in creating the myth of growth, whereas behind them there are reality that goes to the opposite direction. In the end, I have every reason to dislike numbers though the more I dislike it the more they stick with me. One last request, Wish me luck with my presentation, that's all I need for the time being !!!

I OWE YOU

I feel like I have been ran over by a truck. It's not the title of a song, but this is the soreness that's been biting my bones and muscles after going back to sport. I didn't respond positively to the invitation to join the volley ball team in my office. It's not after a couple of times of invitation until I said yes. I felt a little bit awkward in the beginning since I haven't been playing volley ball for ages. The last time was more than 10 years ago.

After the first training program I could hardly drive myself home. I was so worn out and felt numb all over my feet. The second training was no better than the first. The disturbed sleep was accompanied by a severe headache. I don't know if I would continue to be part of the team. One thing I know for sure, it brings me back the memory of the past. The time when sport open up my horizon to this world.

I used to be one of the National Volley Ball player. I did not belong to the celebrities of the national volley ball team of my time for I was only part of the team from 1983 to 1985. I started very young, but quit 4 years later to focus on my studies. I came back again right after I had finished my studies and was invited to join the national team. Two years afterward I decided to get married and quit. It was not a very dazzling career in sport but I realized the consequences of my choice.

Despite of the short tenure of my career in sport, I should have admitted that I gained more than the efforts that I spent in sport. I learn about collaborating with others and do my best to achieve our shared vision. I know what it meant to spend my last drop of sweat for the sake of reaching our dream. In short, I owe my present life to sport!!!

WELCOME A NEW DAY!

The hustle and bustle of the traffic in a big city is the typical flavour of living in Jakarta. Traffic congestion is something that everybody has to deal with, especially during the rush hour. All the streets are all bogged down by the amount of traffic. The more people get used to it, the more impatient they became. As a consequence they wake up in the morning, with heads stuffed with expectation to deal with the traffic congestion. They dashed off to work as to be able to avoid the traffic.

The expectation then turns into reality. As people drive, they are then sucked up by the congestion and got burried in the graveyard of the traffic. In next to no time, they will get irritated and spit out curses if not four letter words. Car drivers blame the motorbikers, and so do the opposite. Pedestrians are not considered liable to use the street. If cursing is considered as a crime, then the statistic for crime in the traffic will probably recorded the highest rate.

I am no better than the rest of the people when it deals with traffic. With my negative expectation in my head, I get easlly irritated by the traffic. And, yes... I spit out curses. It has turned into such a habit that it has never come across my mind that I'm no better than those people that annoyed me. There were times that I tried to control myself but the intention almost immediately dispersed into the thin air.

This morning I tuned into a radio station, broadcasting the topic on happiness. "Happiness is about how you control yourself to see things. Happiness is not about the things itself, but happiness is about you. To speak the language of the common, happiness is not about the money that you put into the stockmarket, or about your fancy cars. Happiness is about how you perceive things around you. So YOU are the creator of happiness."

I sat silently behind the steering wheel. The words penetrated deep into my mind. It's not the traffic that irritates me, but it is how I perceive the traffic that irritates me. If I choose to cool off and not to follow the negative expectation that dwells in my head, things would probably end up far beyond getting irritated and depressed. I miss the YOU in me, my freedom to become myself.

REFLECTION

The news that my uncle died in Cirebon has brought my husband away for the entire week end. He represented the entire family and went to Cirebon with my brother in law and my uncle. Two of my children went to watch Java Jazz, commencing as of Friday to Sunday. So I was home with my son during the entire week end.

Saturday morning, I took my son for a short drive and went to the ATM to solve some unsettled bills. Then we drove through the neighbourhood and had a mother-to-son talk. The house felt empty. I tried to read some articles, but after an hour of two, I got bored and decided to do something else.

I laid down quietly in my bed. My mind was wandering in the wilderness of my thoughts. One scene after another came into my view, be it the past or the castle in the sky. I assembled the circle of causalities, one into another until my mind was focused on one issue: have I been a good person?

I felt like broken beats toyed by the wind. Whirling and twirling in the sky aimlessly. I tried to find what's lacking in me. It's I, I and I concealed behind the me...me...and me... . The world is evolved around me. I had been very occupied with myself until I forget the facts that the world is so full of others. Those others are reflection of my relationship with God. As I ingore the others, then I ignore God. My relations to God is a mechanistic relationship, a habitus. I go to church and pray because that's how I had been brought up by my mom.

"Dear Lord, forgive me! Dear others, I want to be part of you!"

ANOTHER BATTLE TO TAME

The room was filled with the cold freezing artifical air. All the desks and chairs were empty, except four at the front row. One lady and 3 gentlemen, looking firm and powerful occupied those desks and chairs. They gave me a stern look which made me shivered a little bit. I told myself that this is my floor, ready or not.

I took my books and papers out and put them in orderly manner on the desk. I straightened my throat to keep my articulation clear and sonorous. "I focus my research on the human side of Learning Organization. Human being...." I heard my own voice echoing in the empty room. I didnt really remember what I told them, all I wanted to do at that time was making things clear to them and got over it as soon as I can. I followed exactly the line of thoughts that I had prepared at home. The 15 minutes was soon over and I was sweating as opposed to the cold air that stinge my pores.

Those faces in front of me were expresionless. They purposely let silence fall in between us, and I swear that those moments were torturing me like death. Then the lady took over the situation. She opened up her sweet lips and shoot me with her questions. It was not just one question, but a couple of questions. I took a deep breath as to be able to overcome the pressure that she gave me with her questions. I reassembled my thoughts and began to answer her. One after another, we both jumped into a serious discussion until she finally looked reassured.

The next examiner added some more pressure as he threw some more questions. He was definitely showing his mastery over my proposal as he left me with two unaswered questions. But that was my battle, so I had to make sure that I could balance his questions. The following examiner took me even further to the unknown strange land. He posed questions I didnt and never thought that he would ask. Foucault, he wanted me to include Foucault in my research. That name I know, but what I know is just a name. I was totally numb when he was pushing me to adopt foucauldian concept. How could I say yes or no when I didnt know foucault. I took an in between position and nodded my head without saying a word.

The final examiner was my promotor. He knew that I had been out of breath. He wrapped up all the concerns and added one light question before he finally concluded the examination. I didnt care about the result at that time, for the only important thing for me was to get over it. They sat again in silence before they asked me to wait outside.

I sat on the stairs outside, sweating all over. Thousands of fears were chirping around my head. I was only waiting for 5 minutes, but I felt like ages. My promotor opened the door. I was startled and stood. He threw a glance and invited me to get inside the room. The four of them gave me a deep look. I looked at each of them, expecting to read a sign of hope. But they were again blank. My promotor stood and walked to my desk. He stopped for a second and said: "Congratulation, you are now a doctorate candidate. You need to make corrections on your proposal and submitted to me within a two-week-time."

All of a sudden, the cold air turned warm. So were their faces as they smiled and shook my hands. I went outside the class and screamed. My friends who were waiting at the end of the stairs laughed in delight. The joy was so empowering that I felt like I owned the thousands of stars in the sky. For a moment it was a relief. When I say for a moment I really mean it for I realize that I still have another battle to be tamed.

THE PUPPET SHOW

Yesterday I attended an official ceremony. The giant cubicle launched the learning centre. The CEO was there with 2 other member of the board and many other CEOs and directors. The ceremony itself ran like many other ceremonies, full with speeches.

The opening part in every speech is probably the longest and yet the less meaningful part of the speech. Every honorable guests have to be mentioned prior to the longest greetings that followed. I specifically timed it and it took one minute all together. Then came the main content. The content as always mentioned all the prestigious achievements of the institution. In simple language, this is how it sounds, we have done this, we have done that, and this is one among the few, and then followed by big applauses from the audience. In a glimpse, one get the impression that this is wouw....!!! However if you digest it slowly and dig it deeper, it's nothing but a series of number which later on will turn into ashes.

Then came the final part of the speech. It mostly comprises thankful expressions to those contributes to the program. And of course the name of the CEO and the member of the boards have to be there. The little guy who has done his utmost and contributed to most of it, is as always forgotten. He stood there smiling in the corner of the room, happy to see his product being adopted by the big people.

After the closing ceremony, then came the time when everybody went to their car. A light chit and chat went along the way. The CEO stopped for a while and gave a comment on a tree. Everyone directed their attention to the spot and gave similar comment. They all laugh together.

The CEO went into his car and off he went. The remaining of people took a deep breath and gave a long sigh of relief, gulping for the air of freedom.

WHEN THE DEVIL SPEAKS THE TRUTH

My words are mostly sharp. Yes I admit it! But you have to admit that my actions are very soft. I dont walk the talk. I just need to express my emotion. You may argue that being an adult I shouldnt have done it. Yes, again you are right. By hook or by crook, I am just an ordinary being of flesh and blood. I am familiar with the words, exhausted, sick and pain, and bored. I need new fresh air to breathe, and most of all I need a shoulder to cry on.

I am not like other parents. I dont even know if I am being good parents or not! I just try to be one. I cant be nearby all of you at the time that you need me most. I try to compensate though.... but I do understand that compensation is not always interpreted as 'compensation' in the way I mean it to be or you expect it to be.

I might not be the other part of him. Hell, I am not. If other try to find another shoulder to cry on, I only seek for another time and space to cry on. I dont prepare his coffe and sit next to him to watch a television program. I sit in my own isolation with my books and thoughts.

I am not a good daughter. Forgive me, Mama. I dont treasure you the way others treasure their parents. I get trapped in my own illusionary world. I sat on my own and become indolent. I know I'm gonna regret it should any bad things occur to you.

I am not a good sister. I focus on my own family and leave out my attention for my sister. I'm just affraid if I get too close then I would be drifted away by her problems. She is always in trouble. When I say always, I really mean it. It's not about luck, it is simply about atittude.

I am being nice to myself. Only!!!

When the devil speaks the truth, do you believe it???

ORA et LABORA

I was flying rather than driving to campus yesterday. The last minute call to join a meeting had turned my schedule upside down. I had made an appointment with one of my co-promotor after office hours at 17.00. My supervisor suddenly called me and asked me to sit in a meeting to discuss our project. I was like sitting on a stove, wanting to contribute but at the same time had to dash off for my personal appointment.

It's not an ordinary day! On the 4th of March I will be defending my proposal for my postgraduate studies. Yesterday I had an appointment to discuss how the examination would be held. I was so late for the meeting ended at exactly 17.00. I texted my co-promotor and told her that I would be late. Lucky me that she responded nicely, but deep down I know that I would miss lots of my opportunity to discuss with her. And yes.... we only discuss the technical details of the examination and missed the opportunity to dig down the possible issues further. I told myself that I had to compensate the missing opportunity at nite.

I had ample slept last nite. I tried to concentrate and read the main literature that would support me on the 4th. However, I got so disorganized until it turned out to be an array of incomplete puzzles. Pheww... I drowned myself deeper.

When I dont know whatelse to do, the only thing that cross my mind is asking for God's intervention to assist me, though deep down inside I know that it's 'Ora et Labora'. Dear Lord... please help me to get over it, be it the sun or the moon, black or white, darkness or light.

I then tried to sleep, but woke up again, and decided to pray again. This time.....:"Dear Lord, forgive me, can I have the sun instead of the moon, and white instead of black, and the light instead of darkness??? Pleaseeeeeee...............????

I SEE MY FUTURE IN ME

The seminar was finally conducted and, yes, we managed to do it well. It is hard to imagine all the hustle and bustle that we had to go through, in preparation for the seminar. I was in charge of developing the term of reference and dealing with the presenters. It is easy for me to find the presenters, however, it is not easy to turn their tacit knowledge into explicit in the shape and string of thoughts that I want it to happen.

As from my personal opinion, I still find some areas that can be improved. The speakers and the Term of Reference should have been better alligned. (I was pointing my finger to myself). I could have made a more detailed Term of References and requested the speakers to submit their presentation material a week prior to the event. As such, I would be able to control the messages conveyed to the audience. So one improvement can hit two birds.

As for the place and event organization, we could have ended up in a more effiecient manner should we be able to make faster and smoother decisions and deal with all the vendors earlier. We were rushing at the last minute, lost our bargaining position and had to play along with any terms and conditions that had been offered to us.

I see the ray of hope rising in my horizon, I see the opportunity for me to do my own action. In the future I can run my own seminars, training and research. Whatever I am currently up to is nothing but fields of exercises to prepare my readiness. The future here I come...ready or not... I have to stand on my own feet.

A FAMILY DAY OUT

This calender year has granted us a 3 day off, commencing as of Friday to Sunday. So we decided to spend it in Bandung. We left early in the morning and went back in the afternoon. The kids always love to go to Bandung. The food is good and the city itself provides us with a different ambiance.

THE GARDEN OF MY WILD DREAMS



In the backyard of my house, I built the garden of my wild dreams.

ONE DAY WE'LL ALL FLY AWAY

My sister died at the age of 53 right in the beginning of the year of 2010. She had been suffering from cancer for exactly 2 years. The doctor had told her in January 2008 that she had only another 2 years to live. That was precisely predicted.
I had been very close to her. We grew up together and shared so many sisterhood stories. She loves me in fact she loves everybody, but I know, me and mom had occupied special spots in her life. I had been a stubborn spoiled kid and she had been a real sister to me. There were times when I put her in a-not-good-situation and she was mad at me only for one or two days... the rest she turned back into my loving sister.
She moved to the United States and Japan, but our sisterhood remained as close as ever. The time while she was there, she took care of all of us... one by one. I had spent countless holidays with her. During my one of my business trip to US, I spent two days in LA and so did she. At nite time, we both sat on the sofa and starred at the Disney fireworks while tracing the memory of our childhood. On the way home from another business trip to Germany. She came to Holland and we both stayed at my brother's place. It is too painful for me to remember her expression and my brother's statement. My brother said: "I cant hardly believe that the three of us are here." She said nothing but starred at me. That was the longest gaze I had ever received from her.
This morning while I was driving, her picture came again into my vision and I could not help it anymore. I called my mom and told her how much I miss my sister. My mom said:"I am 87 and I probably the one who is supposed to miss her more than anybodyelse. She is my daughter who came out of my womb. I breastfed her and raised her into a person I am so proud of. She is one of the best thing God has ever given to me. But at nite time I always pray, please Lord, dont let me regret the fact that she died for It's like regreting all the things that you had brought into my life. If there is a possiblity for me to deny just any of them, simply because it brings along with it an unhappy dimension, then there is also the possiblity that I might loose all the joyful parts and the delights that I had had in this life. I keep the unhappy parts for I know I had enjoyed more out of the happy parts.
One day we'll all fly away... no one can stop it to happen....and some other people would fill our positions... whimpering and weeping...yearning for us, our love, if we have shared some.

THE NEED TO BE UPDATED LIST

It's 2010. I havent been visiting this blog for more than a year. So many things have happened to my life. I would have said the one year that had passed was the moment of dellirium.
1. My other child has turned 17, and I promise to write something about them when they reach the age of 17. So my next posts would probably be around her and my little son.
2. My sister died right when the gate to the year of 2010 was opened. I felt as if a part of me have gone with her. She is my soul.... life after her is nothing but a sequence that I have to follow...
3. I try my best to get my phd...though I dont know if I could make it... If somebody ask me...why do I have to go through all these efforts... then my answer is.... I dont know...
4. My work and the gigantic cubicle is still a hot issue. This might be the most interesting part of my life... funny people and funny place...
5. My "love life" has turned sour... it's not that I dont love him anymore but the fact that time have turned us into strangers one from another can not be denied....
6. I dived to deep into the ocean of life and forget to emerge to get oxygen... as a consequence.. you simply can guess.... i'm out of breath.
Need to wrap up...for I have to race to the campus.... campuS...here I come....ready or not... face it.

LIFE IS ABOUT BEING HERE!

I havent been updating this blog for quite sometimes. The key word that occupies my mind is 'Amazing!!!'. What is so amazing? This life is indeed amazing. At this age, after so many years of having a chance to live, I have started to assemble the pieces of puzzle of my life. I'm not saying that I have gotten the answer to my existence, naaaa...it's far from getting the answer.

What I manage to get so far is the categorization of the pieces of realities that I have gone through. I began to analyze (oops..this word sounds a bit scientific) to see things with a better view about what happened to me in the past. I'm not saying that life is okay, but somehow I can take all the pain in a more 'decent' way.

One of the key issues that struck my mind is about death. This word has haunted me ever since my sister was told that she has at the most only two years to live. I felt as if I was also the one that's being punished by this reality. Coincidences happen. One after another. I got exposed (I didnt search but I really got exposed) to some articles on death during one of the philosophy classes that I attended. This class has taught me to not ask about death, but ask about life instead. Death is something that will happen to anybody at anytime. Time and space are the enigmas. My sister is one among the few that has the opportunity to open the veil of the enigma of 'time'. It happens for a purpose, to let her give some more reflections and and explore more about life, about her existence. Be open to death and life and let your existence reveal itself.

In one of my converation with her I mentioned about the fact that she's lucky to know the time. I dont. I could be one the who ' leave' earlier than her. We never know. The only thing that we know is the reality that we exist. That's what matters. The reality that we dont exist is not important anymore for that is the harvesting time which happens to be His part. Life is about being isnt it?

EXIT
I'm looking for a door that could lead me to the exit. But the door is either to small for me or it's unavailable. This cubicle is getting too hot and it has turned into a humid and depressing place for me.

Without having the attention to bring myself into a philosophical area, my internal dialogue has brought into my awareness of my existency. Why do I exist and what does I expect from this life? I end up myself with a conclusion that I live for several reasons. I live for myself and my surroundings. I live for the future of my children, they need me until they are ready to be on their own. I live for the present in which my husband love me and i love him, though we both love to enggage ourselves into tedious arguments. I guess that's the color of our love. I live because I love the past and often dive into the romantic memory of being a member of my big family, my mother, my sisters and brother as well as my cousins. As with my spiritual part of living I consider it as private so it doesnt belong to the public domain.

With that in mind I wonder if I could have them if I am still trapped in this hot and depressing cubicle. The money is definitely good, but the happiness is far from real. By the time I got home I'm dead tired and turned myself into a strange creature. Either I sat in front of the television or I checked and sent mails to friends. Week ends are the best time for I stay on my leisure. I focus on myself , neglecting those people that I love. I turn into an alien!!!

After having been working for the cubicle I began to think of finding my happiness, do the things that I always want to do. I still have to find the exit. My friends reminded me, what's waiting for me outside the cubicle is in fact a bigger issue that I need to consider. As for me, what's waiting is happiness and I know happiness is not free so I have to bear the consequence. I can do anything when I'm happy. It is proven!!!

HOW BIG IS THE BRAIN?

I work in one of the biggest institution. The building is probably one of the largest and the most exquisite one. No matter how costly and prestigious the buildings are, they can not hide the fact that there is a bunch of narrow minded people that work inside there. Narrow minded in this case refers to the disability to take pluralism as a natural phenomena.
These NM (read: narrow minded or no mind) consider the entire member of the organization as a mass production. Whoever bears a different attribute is considered as a rejected item. Their brain work like a quality control scanner that could only accomodate a set of indicators. Whatever goes beyond the indicators are considered as erroneous and should be isolated if not dump.
The set indicators inhibit them to learn from the nature that provide such an abudance to the well being of mankind, to look into the mirror and learn from our own body that all the different parts of our body has their own functions. All these different parts, when they cooperate and collaborate they create an incredible and miraculous ability to man.
It is so unfortunate that these people are equipped with quite an enormous power. They regularly scan the entire organization and shunt the "rejected product" sideways. They provide a hidden reward for those who are willing to reshape themselves according to the set indicators.
The space in their brain could only house primodialism and ways to shunt people sideways. How could the organization achieved the goals when the performance is relies on a part of the body???

PAK UCUP, THE BARBER

The barber is located on the side of a small dusty street, next to a small passageway beside a tiny warung tegal. It’s a nine square meters room, divided into two by a not too clean wooden board. The room is cramped with a television set placed on the table next to the two big mirrors attached to the wall. Two chairs with leather-like covered are placed in front of the mirrors, and a far from comfortable bamboo sofa is positioned behind those chairs. The price list is glued on the rusty wall between the two mirrors: Dewasa = Rp. 6000,-, Anak = Rp. 5000,- Jenggot = Rp. 2000,-.

Despite the disturbing odor that strikes your nostrils and the hissing sound of the television set that hit your eardrums, clients from neigbouring areas drop in to this place. They must be his longlasting clients for they use the silent language to communicate. He nods his head every time he notices the arrival of his clients and the clients sit on the wooden sofa patiently waiting for their turn to arrive.

After my second visit I noticed that his name is "Ucup". He’s a quiet man in his thirties , a simple looking guy, far from being invaded by the modern culture. I dont know if he had ever dreamed of becoming a barber . It seems to me that being a barber is not just the way he earns his living, but it seems like it's part of his destiny. He scrutinized every single inch of the clients hair just to make sure that they are properly cut. He checked it from a distance, and trimmed the unwanted parts. A glaze in his eyes will give us a sign that he's almost done. A few seconds to admire his work will end the whole proces and he will then continue with the next client.

One day while he was cutting my son’s hair, I tried to fill the gap of silence and asked him a couple of question. Then I arrived to the average number of his clients. To my amazement Pak Ucup humbly explained that his clients reach up to the average of 50 people a day. My head worked like a digital calculator and my brain almost jumped out of my skull when I realized that he earns more than a university graduate employee. I mentioned the number just to make sure that it was the right number. He shyly nodded his head and smiled cordially demonstrating his two big brown teeth.

LIFE IS SIMPLE (to some people)

One of the basic nature calls has been buried in the shadowy darkness of reality for so long under the name of values. In the world of etymology, the word “Toilet” is one of the most vivid examples.. The dictionary of etymology has recorded so many words to express toilet, such as John, Lavatory, Privy, Loo, Throne, Privy, Can, Rest Room and many, many others. This concept has undergone so many semantic changes. Once the unwritten social consensus has recorded deterioration or a change in the semantic value of a word, the word will be classified as taboo and a new word will emerge.
In the grotesque houses in Pondok Indah, the word “toilet” refers to rooms which occupy areas as large as my house and are equipped with luxury and comfort such as carpet, paintings, air condition etc. On the opposite side, for the street children, the word toilet refers to any gutter available on the street such as the gutter that runs underneath the pedestrian path.
Last Sunday drive has added another picture of reality, far beyond those images which have been crushed into our mind through the television or newspaper. As the traffic turns green, the crowd of cars stopped in front of the traffic. A little boy of six, half naked from middle to bottom, ran across the street and jumped onto the pavement. He installed himself comfortably above a gap between the pavement blocks. His back is facing the solemn Sunday traffic of Jakarta, ignoring or being ignorance of the fact that almost every person in the cars were watching his gestures. He rested his fingers on the wall and used the gap as his private toilet to respond to the nature call. I assume most of the passengers would move on to the next question: how is he going to clean his behind. ?
As soon as he had finished it, he moved to the big pot with plants in it. He sat on the curb of the pot covered by the left over rain drops and shook his Behind around to clean it up. To make sure that he was clean enough, he touched his behind with his fingers. As many other ordinary kids would do, he jumped into the middle of the street and ran happily among the cars. Again like many other ordinary kids of his age would do, he put his fingers into his mouth when he got tensed or depressed.
Life is complicated to some whereas it is simple and natural for the street children. It is as simple and as natural as the first snow in winter or the morning dew in spring or the color of leaves in autumn.

GROWING UP
Growing up is the biggest unidentified mystery of life ever. It’s there yet it’s not there. Not until you are exposed to a particular uncomfortable situation will you then realize that things have changed and the person in front of you is not the same person anymore.
Driving home is one of the particular magical moments that makes me realize that life is not the same anymore.
Mom : "Oo no....not again, it's coming again?" (I pointed to the headlines of a newspaper shoved into our window on a traffic light) "The flood is the same problem every year!"
Girl : “If the Government knows that it’s gonna happen, why didn’t they take any measures now to avoid it? If it is caused by all the garbage that has been thrown to the river, make sure everybody give a hand to clean it.”
Mom : “It not as easy as it sounds. It has got to do with people’s behavior. No matter how much effort you spend on cleaning it up, some other will again dump their garbage into the river.”
Girl : “Why don’t the Government provide the troops of police to be on guard of the river?”
Mom : “They are not meant to do that particular job. They have other important thing to do such as keeping the country secure.”
Girl : “It also concerns national security. Imagine what’s going to happen if the capital city is inundated.”
Mom : “It’s not as simple as that ” (Silence filled the air inside the car).
Girl : “Adults are really complicated!!!”
Mom : (Is she still my baby??)

THE TRUMAN SHOW

Im on a Truman Show!!! Im inside an illusionary landscape, that isolates me from the reality. However, Im too scared to break this symbiotic situation. I know that everything is fake, but I dont know how wide is the fake area. The producer of the show hides behind the curtain of reality and gaze upon his masterpiece. I dream of finding the truth outside my world though I know that the existence of a genuine truth is just another dream that I built inside my stage set world.

The Oxen

by Thomas Hardy

Christmas Eve, and twelve of the clock

."Now they are all on their knees,

"An elder said as we sat in a flock

By the embers in hearthside ease.

We pictured the meek mild creatures where

They dwelt in their strawy pen,

Nor did it occur to one of us there

To doubt they were kneeling then.

So fair a fancy few would weave

In these years! Yet, I feel,

If someone said on Christmas Eve,

"Come; see the oxen kneel,

"In the lonely barton by yonder coomb

Our childhood used to know,

"I should go with him in the gloom,

Hoping it might be so’

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

‘God is not dead;

nor doth he sleep!

The Wrong shall fail,

The Right prevail,

With peace on earth,

good-will to men!

MERRY CHRISTMAST 2005

AND

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2006

A DREAM OF HEAVEN

Lately life has been so unfriendly to me. Taking me for a wander through the darkest forest in which there is no point of return. Solitude and emptiness have been embroidered into every breath I inhale. I have lost my freedom and I am on my own.

I laid my weary mind under a shady tree and hoping that mircales would pass by. I have prepared an utterance of the angel so that mercy will be bestowed upon me. Patience, my companion, has began to show a sympton of restlessness. Nothingness lingers with me throughout the long sufferingly hours of impatiently waiting. Yet miracles didnt show any symptons of existence. I began to ponder myself with contemplation. Until the fatigue in me augmented and I fell asleep under the tree, landing in the empire of dream.

Two beautiful angels came into my view, followed by a little boy wearing a circlet of heaven around his head. They play the music of heaven and sang me the song of joy. I raised my head in amazement and felt the sense of ectasy creeping in my heart. I stood up and we held each other by the hand. We were dancing following the tunes of delight. I felt my spirit elevated to an unknown place. The world is occupied by the language of ectasy.

The forest is still dark, and I still have to go through the long hours of weary walk. The dream has elevated the terrifying angst in me. A tiny light of hope is rising in the horizon of my heart. God's patience and blessings will lead me there.

STOP THEM???

Tell the truth and tell it immediately. That’s the basic philosophy. My concern is more on the gap between the philosophical concept and the true and bare fact of the reality.

The entire organization has been a bit like a cat on a hot tin roof since early in the morning. The news that broke out today is damaging us. “Why don’t you stop the media?” That’s the key question that has been posed to me since early in the morning. To begin with let me tell you that I’m not a genie. It really takes a genie to do so, since the media is supposed to take the role of a watchdog. Then, to achieve a better performance we need a partner that can serve as a mirror, and we definitely don’t need a partner in crime. Third, we all have our own roles, let’s do it professionally. Next, these problems do not come out of the blue; it is a blessure that we created in the past and has come in effect today, so don’t expect communication to polish the dark spots that we produced. Finally, bad news is good news for the media.

When the “hurricane” strikes, I miss the warm and comfort of my family and room. May I go “home”???

TRUST
"For better or worse, until death keeps us apart". It will never happen unless you trust a person. Trust is one of the most important essence of our life. Ironically, the usage is abused dramatically and as a result it has lost its true meaning. Trust is a multidimensional concept, therefore the tendency to misinterpret trust is as close as the space between our nose and mouth or even closer as the space between our two eyebrows.
"I dont think I can trust him", the word flows like a prophecy from his mouth. "He has a hidden agenda in every single words that he utters, he added emotionally. Yes, trust is one of the many expressions of our emotion. Experience brought along the emotional aspect of our interaction and it dominates the way we perceive the world, the way we interpret a stimuli, the way we create our social reality.

Flashes of reality crossed my mind, the many and countless experience and conversation that I had with various people with a mixture of background. In a traffic light, when tiny dirty fingers were shoved into our car window, hundreds of questions dance around us and they move along with the the tunes of distrust. A morning greeting on the street, will be assumed as a suspicious gestures. The glue that bond our relationships such as morning greetings have long been buried in the graveyard. Rome is not built in a nite, so does this social reality in which we live. It is a process of a long story. A story that we create with our own brush and paint, a story that create a vivid picture of distrust to our own brother, sister and nation.

NURTURE OR TORTURE?

How valuable is Rp. 800,- to us nowdays. It doesnt take a genius to say nothing. However, this mathematical concept doesnt really apply to every condition. In fact there is a huge gap between a concept and the reality that it creates.

I was queuing behind a 7 year old boy, wearing a ragged clothes in a fast food restaurant. As the lady gave him an ice cream - apparently that was his order- he received the Rp. 600 change and dashed off to the door. I had the opportunity to catch a glimpse of the display on the register, Rp. 1400,- for an ice cream.

I hold my baby in front of the restaurant, waiting for my husband. I saw the boy again, but this time he was with his sister. She looked healthy with two rosy chubby cheeks covered with melted ice cream. Her eyes was fully focused on her ice cream until my baby cried and pointed his finger to her ice cream. She ran to her brother shoving the ice cream into his hand asking for protection. He was not really ready, though he tried to grip it with his tiny fingers. The cone was wobbly and the scoop of vanilla ice cream fell onto the dusty paving blocks. We all stood in silence for a second. His sister's cry alerted us. She wanted to grab the melted ice crea. but her brother held her hand. Her tears were rolling down on her cheek. The little boy put his hand inside his pocket and took Rp. 600 out. He hold it in the open palm of his hand and gave his sister a blank look. Another Rp. 800,- was desperately needed. He only needs Rp. 800 to express his love for his sister. If only I had the opportunity to infiltrate his mind, I probably will be able to read the various scenarios twirling inside his mind. Will he beg, will he steal, will he soothe his sister, or will he ask for a free replacement to the restaurant??? His decision and choices depends on the values that have been implanted in his mind. Any alternative will be possible. It all depend on us since a value is nothing but a social consensus, part of a culture that we create and that create us in return. In a culture where instant solution such as corruption is tolerated, he will most probably steal some money or beg to get the ice cream. Is it nurture or torture, sometimes I dont see much of the difference.

UNE DEBUTANTE

Two days ago, I began my first move in my new job. The first press conference was held. The result was quite satisfactory. The message has turned into hot news. It dominate the first page of most of the main media. The major reason was the proper timing. The news broke out at the time where the market reacted postively to the reshuffling of the member of the cabinet. We led the opinion. The following day, whatever happened, the tone of the news has to be around the climate that we had built.

However, we were a bit careless with the message and allocation of time. Some media covered a different minor message which actually bears another news value. With this in mind, we need to improve our issue management. It's so obvious that this minor news is potential to becoming an issue, yet, we didnt really pay attention to it. Another improvement that need to be touched is allocation of time for the press conference. We need to set a limit for the Q & A sessions. Once they have ran out of questions about the main message, they moved to another issue. We need to handle this issue delicately or else it turns into a crisis. I'm not ready.....

CREME DE LA CREME
It’s not a name of a French cuisine, nor is it a name of a French patisserie. Yes, it’s a French expression. This expression, like any other expression, bears more semantic components than just what appears in the dictionary. Take the word ‘best’ which more or less has a similar meaning with this expression. No matter how overlapping they are semantically, people will still perceive them to have a different nuance. Try to use them in a different sentences and feel the difference!
The history of word refered to as etimology is closely connected to the context in which it is used. France is quite famous for their pride to use their own language, simply because of their political supremacy in the past. Using one or two words of french in an english conversation will still reflects the sense of supremacy which actually has long been buried in the backyard. The language used in a day to day conversation is just one of the culutral artefact.

The same case happens to our language. The fact that english is considered as one out of the five international languages, has created similar phenomena. Just observed the blossoming soap operas on our television programmes. Even an english way of pronouncing indonesian words is correlated to a particular social status.

This is a real conversation occured in my office: "At the end of the day, kita harus memiliki capability untuk beradaptasi terhadap lingkungan yang terus berubah. Hanya the creme de la creme yang akan survive di masa depan!!!. Voila... c'est tout!!!

BLINDED BY EMOTION

Getting upset is just one of the many colors that paint our life. We are upset simply because we cant achieved the objective that we aim at. We have a tendency to use our myopic perspective and look at an event in isolation. The pattern of our life comprises small jigsaw puzzles. If we tend to focus on a puzzle, we might loose the big picture. However, it is easy to say then to experience it.

I have encountered a situation in which my pride has been so offended until I turned myself into an annoying personality. I made emotional statements and hurt others' feeling. I get blinded by my own emotion.

Life went on and on. The hurt was still there, but I have gained my senses. For the first time I began to observe my new surroundings with a different perspective, and see how much I have adapted myself to this new surroundings. "Not bad at all", I said to myself. In fact it has provided me with new insights. I began to see the big picture. The puzzle is nothing but part of a big picture.

I sat quietly in the evening. The cold breeze patted me gently on my skin. I sat there quietly and thanked God for what had happened to my life. He has given me a new color to paint my life with.

TIME MACHINE

"Do you think the time machine can ever be invented?", asked my daughter. I was behind the steering wheel and pretended as if I was concentrating on the traffic. Actually my search engine was busy browsing for an answer in my mind. At the cross road , I stopped the car since the traffic light was red.
"We can find the answer from many perspectives. Let's find out what time actually is!" I asked her without really asking a question for I dont know the answer nor can I speak scientifically about time. So I give her my own defintion of time. Time is actually a blank sheet on which our motion is recorded. We can repeat our motion but that will not be the same motion since it occurs at a different blank sheet of time. Time machine is nothing but sheets of recorded motions. So if you are looking for a time machine like the one you saw in the movie, I dont think it exists. But time machine that can take you to the past and future is nothing but books. Books consists of experience, motions occured in a particular set of time.
I turned my head to the backseat to know if she understood my explanation. She was looking out through the window, glaring at the lights that brighten up the night. I knew that I failed to give her an answer, but hopefully the night can ease her curiosity for a while, until time provide her with the answer she was looking for.

ON THE TIP OF MY FINGER

The phone roared early in the morning at my desk. I havent even installed myself in my chair. "I think you need to improve your relations with the P. The case has met a deadlock. " The words spurred out of her mouth like a stream of flowing water. The main message is, I gotta make sure that the proposal get approved. When she finally had enough of expressing herself she stopped talking. I jumped into the conversation and answered her calmly : "Okay, I'll see what I can do." In fact I still dont know what to do. But that's the only statement that can cool her off!!!!

I wonder if she really knows why someone, or some people refuses to support us. In some cases it's simply because they are being ignorant. It's easy to solve it. Information, innudate them with information. But in some other cases, they simply have their own objective. They will never be in our shoe , not until their objectives are met. Most of the time what they have in their mind is nothing but big bucks. No matter what we do...we end up in that corner, and I have to avoid it. Next week, the meeting will again be held. I need to come up with a solution. The proposal has to be approved. I wish the world is on the tip of my finger.

TGIF
I encountered my first informal gathering with the whole team. Every Friday morning an informal sharing session was held. "The program starts at 7:30", my colleague told me. At 7:10 I installed myself by the oval table in the corner of the room. Old newspapers and magazines were piling up in the corner of the room. Papers and books were all over the area. I sat there for 20 minutes, no body turned up. At 7:34, a guy appeared smilingly. I asked him where everyone were. "They will be here soon", he answered me abruptly.
We both enganged ourselves into a conversation. In the beginning, we shared nothing but empty words. Then the ice began to melt slowly, he poured out the impeding blocks of his taks. While he was talking, the flow of people began to occupy the oval table. Soon we are all engangging oursevels into a conversation while having breakfast. One claim about the empowerement of the change agent, another one argued about the strategy of our work. I invited the new ones to speak up. They participated shyly, answering my questions and then stopped right there.
It's something good to start with. I just need to spend more efforts to make the most out of them. Pheewwwww.... this type of change is really demanding. Anyway, I am looking forward to Friday...more than ever....

SO SMALL AND TINY
The passion to dig up new things has always been boggling in my mind. It doesnt come out of my hunger for new knowledge, but it is simply driven by my curiosity and the demand of my job. I have to switch my mindset, moving from one area to another.
Knowledge management has occupied most of the space in my mind for the last 7 years. I dug into various references, connect collaborate myself with KM people. Tacit knowledge, explicit knowledge, SECI, intangible asset etc..etc.. and all the KM jargons have flavoured my mind ever since. Suddenly....so..sudden...I have to switch it off and deal with new things. Reputation. I need to dig more out of it. I wonder if my guardian angel would be so kind enough as to assist me with references about reputation management.
Somehow, I manage to see the link between my previous job and the new one. At the end of the day, they all follow the stream of epistemology and make me feel so small and tiny...

IT'S ABOUT PEOPLE
The scope of my work covers a wide range of issues. I have to see the things that I dont feel like seeing, what's more to deal with it. Sometimes I ask myself a silly question such as, maybe I can not reach the level of their knowledge, but some other time I wonder if it takes a genius to solve the issues. I can deal with tons of load on my shoulder, but it's not easy to deal with just a single human being. Whatever issue Im dealing with it ends up with the people aspect.

I MISS EVERYTHING ...
I tried to shove the days, so that I could stay longer in my previous position. I made every effort to keep myself in my comfort zone, in a corner that I'm comfortable with. I tried to go against the change. Im helpless... all I have to do is to accept the change as part of me and live with it.
I miss my friends...my true and genuine friends...I miss the days where I dreamed and walked with my work echoing in my head. I miss the process of searching for the essence of KM. I miss the enthousiasms to learn more and more about my job.
Seven years.... vanished into the thin air.

WHY???

I try to imagine the types of questions that my son is going to ask me when he grows up.
“Who is my mother??? “
“I dont know her, but She’s an angel, I believe.”
“Why did she leave me and didnt want to take care of me herself if she really is an angel???”
“She knew that I could not live without you. You are here with me to paint the color of my days. The angels are supposed to make people happy. I’m extremely happy to have you and I hope you are also happy to be with me. “
“And who is my father???”
“Your Father is also my Father...he’s our Father. He lives up there behind the rainbow. Remember the meaning of your name. Your name means a gift of God... you are His greatest gift of all.”

THE NAME

Start with an A... that’s the name that came accross my eyes when I was browing the internet. Im going to name you A... because you are indeed a gift of God served on the tray for me.
I wonder how it feels to be you ....to be lost in the world of the childlike adults. To be shunted away without ever having an opportunity to express what you think of your own life, without ever having the right to fight for your own life.
My son... if life can not offer your two lips to express your own thoughts, Im sure God will allow you to do so for He has created those lips for you and has blown the breath of living into you.... you have the same privileges like any other children do.

PINK LETTER
The letter was written on the 6th of March, 2005. It took a week for the postman to deliver it. A pink paper with white spots all over is folded neatly inside the white envelope.

Papa, mama tersayang,
Mama mafkan aku atas segala kesalahanku yang pernahku buat. Papa maafkan aku, aku selalu melawan papa, aku tak pernah menuruti nasihat papa dan mama. Maafkanku juga karena aku tak pernah puas dengan apa yang mama dan papa berikan padaku. Maafkan juga karena aku tak pernah mau melakukan yang aku perintahkan padaku, sekarang aku berjanji untuk selalu mematuhi dan akan lebih banyak memberi daripada meminta. Aku juga ingin berterima kasih kepada papa dan mama karena aku telah diberi makan dan minum. Jika tidak ada mama dan papa mungkin sekarang aku tidak akan bersekolah. Terima kasih mama dan papa, engkau selalu ada di hatiku.

Cinta
Cinta adalah kasih sayang antara orang tua dan anak
Cinta adalah kasih sayang antara dua insan
Cinta adalah kasih sayang antara kita dan sahabat
Cinta adalah kasih sayang antara adik dan kakak

Kadang cinta itu membuat kita senang
Kadang cinta membuat kita sedih
Kadang cinta membuat kita berdosa
Kadang cinta membuat kita melayang

Anak mama & papa

RIGHT AND LEFT

Some express their favor for “Right”
Some choose “Left”
I see wealth in diversity
an amalgamation of variety

The one on the Left
Dwell in the current journey of my life
Charm the dazzling beams of the light
Escorting the flowers dancing in delight

The one on the Right
It’s the landmark of the past
A tale through the fairy land
Where beauty and fantasy are unified

The Right delivered vision to my time
The Left transforms it into reality
A harmonious composition that rhyme
An extreme excel of beauty

I have no desire to choose
Detach me from the thread of confuse
Let my body and soul remain boundless
Exploring the existence of wilderness

THE WALL

He raped my womb
and tore apart the fetus
it's a nauseating wound
a fertilized garden of virus

I dived into his eye ball
they are so true and genuine
yet I can not shatter the wall
even with the power of a queen

I enter the battle
riding on the wheel of sorrows
Has he always been a puzzle?
Only heaven knows

SPEND YOUR FORTUNE ON ILLUSION

I just dont understand how someone could do such a shocking, dreadful, terrible thing that ruin her own life and destroy her own future. It's becoming more obscured to me since the impact goes to the whole family. Drug is just an illusion. Is it a trend to spend a fortune to pamper oneself with illusions????

CHANGE

Eeergh... may I have the honor to KILL you Mr. Betterfly? While trying to be in command of my emotional explosion, I heard my own voice preaching about creating an opportunity out of change. Once the light of change shines upon me, I felt my life is in such a mess. Now those words have led the queasiness in my stomach. Is this how they feel when I create the turbulences of change??? I will be extra sensitive next time...

AN IMAGO TO BE

I found a crumpled piece of paper on my desk last night
A message that was meant for "me"
A nausea of her heart
A voiceless manifestation
of her transformation...
from a larva into a cocoon...
An imago to be



MATAHARI DAN AWAN I

Aku mengira matahari
hanya sebuah legenda
Tapi sekarang aku melihatnya
Tapi entah mengapa aku jadi membencinya
Bukankah selama ini matahari yang kucari?
Adakah Matahari?
Tolong beritahu aku!!!
Mengapa bisa jadi begini?
Aku hanya bisa duduk termangu
Memikirkan jawaban dari pertanyaan
yang aku lontarkan sendiri
Tapi tunggu...
Aku mendapat jawabannya
Aku membenci matahari karena dia telah melelehkan awanku
Sehingga awanku menjadi takut
untuk melawan Matahari
Semakin aku melihat Matahari
semakin kebencianku menjadi
Maafkan aku Matahari

MATAHARI DAN AWAN II

Aku berdiri tegar di bawah terik matahari
Melihat kepergian awan-awanku
menjadi titik-titik air
Aku seperti anak yang ditinggal ibunya
Dari luar aku terlihat tegar
Tetapi di dalam hatiku
Aku menjerit dengan sekuat tenaga
Mengapa musti ada Matahari di dunia ini
rasanya aku ingin memusnahkan Matahari
Namun... aku tak kuasa
Aku hanya seorang anak yang malang
yang hanya dapat melakukan berbagai kegiatan
seperti anak manusia lainnya
Aku menangis dan menangis
Tapi tak satupun orang yang mau mendengar kisahku
hanya awan... ya hanya awan
Tapi...lihat....
AWANKU TELAH HILANG
PUPUS DARI GENGGAMANKU

(My angel has just turned 12 years last month)

THREAD OF WORDS

A tete-a-tete with the bird on my window, unlocked my day. Unlike the rest of our ordinary days, he gave me a heartbreaking look. We looked into each others eyes and began to share our thoughts in the silent wordless symbols. He told me that he longed to be in the old days, where his chants were highly treasured and served as a remedy for those who were experiencing the agony of life.
I smiled and asked him to chant me his delightful tunes. I listened to him and felt my spirit lifted up to the sky. He suddenly stopped and gave me a baffled look. “This is unfair”, he said. You were drowned in the pond of sorrow and I made you listen to me.
I smiled again and told him that I needed his kind intervention to deliver my message to the sky. As to whom my message should be delivered, it was actually beyond my concern, so I told him, maybe the cloud, or maybe the wind were willing to spare their precious time to read it. If I were lucky enough the angels would be available to read my message. He was bewildered by my response and gave me a confusing but funny look. Not wanting to make him lost in the labyrinth of my world, I told him to carry my thread of words on the piece of string to the sky and leave it there to follow the course of destiny. Why?, he asked. I hesitated for a while and responded: “All I need is to pull out this thread of words out of the tiny box inside my chest and let it drift away freely into the empty air.