NEW PLACE, NEW SURROUNDINGS AND NEW ME?

It's been almost 3 months since I moved to the new department. Things are getting a little bit clear. I begin to see the big picture and begin to dive into the details. I have to enjoy it, no matter what, this is what life is offering me at this very moment.

About 3 weeks ago, the previous member of the board, came down to my place. He has gone through a lot of awful times. He was trying to look as if nothing changed. I saw myself in his reflection, trying to pretend that nothing change. I did not know what to say but the moment was boggling my mind. He then made a statement to me:"Finally you found your home." My home? Is there a place called home in this jungle? Anyway, I replied nicely: "Every place has to be my home Sir. There is no other way to keep myself comfortable then to treat any place as home."

Today I received my personal appraisal. Yes, as I predicted the old department classified me as mediocre. I travelled back to the past and saw the pattern, if the boss likes you (not your work) he will label you as superior and it works the other way round when he doesnt like you. I learn to carry this reality although it is not easy. As far as I remember, I create new things, I innovate and I dont just do the routine stuff. Anyway..... let it go...

This new place and new surroundings have turned myself into the new me. Have they? I doubt. I saw myself tracing back the path that I had been through in the past. I went back to the moment in time in which I felt myself as a good person if not best. The naked me, without all the labels without all the ornaments, sitting under the shade of His blessings. Thank you Lord for all the blessings.

MONSTER I

This morning the church was like any other Sundays. Dominated by old people and little children. The young ones were still in their deep sleep. Those who show physical presence are sometimes not really there. Their mind are travelling somewhere else. I am one of them, though not always.

But this morning was one of the special Sundays. Monster I was there. He was everywhere actually. The pastor was trying to drive it out of the church. Our body is supposed to be the church, but most of the times we treat it like a trash can. We put all dirty stuff inside and turn us into Monster I. Jealousy was one of the faces of Monster I. We envy others for what they are, do and have. That's positive. But it turns to be dangerous when it transforms into hatred. "I hate him because he could manage to write a book. I hate her because she has everything in her life." I am the Monster I.

I forget that I am blessed. I have my children and most of all I have His blessings. It's just that mine is different from others. I should have been proud of myself and express my pride with love. Love for my neighbors, love for God in my deeds not just in my dreams. Thank you Lord for depriving the monster out of me. Thank you Lord for making me understand what to do when the monster arrives.

LETTER TO GOD (4)

Dear God, Is there such a thing as moving backward? Why is my life moving backward?

All my efforts seem to be useless. Am I not good enough?

NEW PLACE, NEW PEOPLE, OLD ME

I have moved to the new department. Like I said earlier, a swing from people to object oriented. Am I happy? I must say I am not in the beginning for there are so many thing that need to be caught up. Heaven know the future!
Yesterday was my farewell party with the old department. Some quite funny and entertaining programs were performed. I was being a total hypocryte. Actually I didnt want to attend it for I know I had to betray myself. Then I decided to go, for I know the kind of image that will be labelled upon me should I not. Yes, the paradox of dealing with the public is to betray oneself. I a kind of missing my old team. Forget it for it is not my destiny.
Today I hold my first meeting with my team. They are nice people, except for one of them who was trying to grab the entire atmosphere and be the centre of everything. I let him for he needs it. But you can not hold it too long mister!
The language was totally new, the job was totally new. Yes, I was there once, back to 7 years ago, but then I was not in charge of the current issues. and moreover the issues had not developed like it has today. One important thing that I learned as well, people tend to make easy thing look complicated. In this case, the projects are chopped down to small pieces and make them look sophisticate until you dont recognize the genuine face of it.
Bahhhhhhh...... the old me trying to fit into the new environment and the new people that dwell in it.

Letter to God (4)

Thank you God, I have settled some of my chores. The proposals and the paper are done. I need to work on two other tough ones. Will you be there to provide me with strength and bags of ideas?

BREAKFAST AT THE STREET VENDOR

They are street vendors, but then the food taste probably better than a 4 star resto. I had my breakfast in jalan Lombok this morning. It is located next to two schools. Imagine, the people that gather there, they are a combination of all levels and class, rich parents, driver, nannies, people like me who are there to have breakfast. As many other street vendors, we have to strive to get seats and those seats are mobile. So, it is a common seen to see driver sit next to a well dressed lady or a group of parents mingle together.

This morning my curiosity has dragged me to open my ears and eardropping the conversation of a group of parents. The topic of discussion was holiday. Clear enough, today is the first school day after the long christmast and new year holiday.

Mother in law. They are the hot issue. One lady complained for taking her mother in law along for the holiday. Her mother in law was cranky and she ruined the entire holiday. They didnt have enough time to visit more simply because of her mother in law. The other lady continued to lead the discussion. She admitted that her mother in law is nice, still being old, they had to drag her and that made her holiday imperfect. The rest of the group seemed to have similar problems and took a lesson learnt of not taking their mother in laws in their next holiday. Poor mother in laws, they were sentenced in absentia.

The second topic went to the places that they had been. Some had been to Bandung and some other ones had been to singapore. They discuss the similarity and differences of those two holiday spots. The discussion was actually a media to express their life style, but they made it looked like a sharing moments.

I do understand that people need to gossip. I do! But listening to other people gossiping made me drag the mirror and looked inside it. I wish I didnt hear the conversation, for I plea myself as guilty. I am no better than them in fact I am one of them!!!

Letter to God (3)

Dear God,

Is it time for me to cut part of my bodies as to be able to live healthily? Please give me a sign. I know it's gonna hurt me more than anything, but I know that it will help me to live longer. Another additional question, is it wrong to think of myself? I have been taking care of them for so long, is it okay if I begin to focus on myself now?

ASSIGNMENTS

There are times that I suffer from severe headaches out of my adolescence decision. On the fifth the final assignment on Levinas have to be submitted. At this moment, I am trying very hard to understand and deal with the original text. I do understand the big picture of it for we have had this topic for the entire semester. But, writing about it requires more than just the big picture. I have to dig down deep into it before I could write a well analyzed argument on his thoughts.

I have decided on many things and I realized that I couldnt deal with them altogether at the same time. I wanted to start my own business and have been working on it. It takes a lot of energy, more than just the simple things that I had imagined. I have then decided on another new thing before I even finished the other one. I am faced by so many things that requires my energy to solve.

I had to face it and be responsible to what I had decided. I draw a list of things that need to be done. I started with my paper. I have to scribble it down by today and have it finish by tomorrow. Then I have to submit my proposal for the dresses and food by today. I am almost done with one of them actually. I have to move on with my dissertation and submitted it by January 2012.

Arrghhh...what have I done with my life. Trying to keep myself busy? Is this what I'm looking for in this life?

LETTER TO GOD (2)

What do you mean by pain God? Still don't get your message clear! You promise that the temptations will always be bearable. Am I that strong. Please answer me!

ANNIVERSARY

I made stuffed grilled mashed potates. She ordered it the day before. She asked me: " how much are you gonna charge me?"

I said:" It's free!"

Then she responded merrily : "Thanks I consider it as the joy and happiness that you share with me for today is my wedding anniversary."

I put a smiling emoticon and said:" Well you got my message dont you? Happy Anniversary! May God always be with you and your entire family, lead a life full of blessing. My regards to your husband and kids, tell them I'm happy for them."

She thanked me sincerely and I quit off the conversation. My heart sunk deep into the wild ocean. My lips were sealed. I wanted to tell her that that day was also my anniversary, but things worked differently with me. My hubby was so far away in his own world. He has been in his own world for long and I was in the office earning my pennies. I didn't mind though for I have been leading this life for more than 12 years. It's just that my friends' happiness was bothering me. Her looking so much forward to celebrating made me feel small and jealousy occupied my heart. You might say I was romanticizing this life. I will say, I was. I tried to control my emotions with my ratio and yes it worked. I didnt tell anyone about it and tried very hard to pump it out from my heart. I didn't complain to anybody except for this frozen monitor in front of me.

At nite I went home and found my second daughter in her room. My other daughter wanted to go to Puncak with her friends. I was torn in between. I wanted to say, stay with mama. I need my children. Instead I told her that I used to spoon feed you with happiness but now it's your time to define your own happiness. If you wish to go just go. (hah.. I deserve a gold medal for this heroic action... hahahaha). My son, my precious, he's in grandpa's place. He needs friends. I starred at my monitor and hoped she would say I would stay. She didn't, so I told her to be careful. I went to my room and the maid followed me into my room. She wanted to do late night groceries shopping . My husband was still somewhere out there and he would pick her in the traditional market later on. I sat again in front of the monitors. I held my phones in my hand. I was hoping that God in heaven would greet me and said: Happy Anniversary! Sounds emotional, like I said I was being emotional. Yes and what is so wrong with that? I had every right to be dominated by my emotions.

Happy anniversary my hubby. We had been married for 26 years. We had passed the critical time and we sunk into the most unbearable time of our marriage. Find your freedom... I will let you go....I'm tired of everything. I entered my frozen escapades. A bubble I created myself to ease my pain.

LETTER TO GOD (1)

Dear God,

Can you help me see things from your perspecitve instead of mine?

Amen.

THE FINAL MOMENTS

I began to feel the fear, the angst of what's coming. I have to take into my consideration that today will probably my last day. I hate this feeling, but it's there and I cant escape from it. I begin to adjust myself, to see everything from a distance. To perceive me from a diffent perspective than the I perspective. The strange me from the perspective of I.

The nature speaks the language of the final. Careerwise I'm almost done. Although I wont give up and never will. I plan to build another cycle of life. In the beginning I was very much enthousiatic about it. But lately I have been asking myself, is this what I really want, or is this just a self defense mechanism. Resistance resides in the beginning phase of change. Should it be part of the natural phenomena then it wont last long. It will diminish gradually swipe by the waves of change.

The family life speaks the language of the final. Except for my son, the family life seems to lead their own rythm. I'm outside of it. Maybe I am the one who remains inside of the rythm, but the rest change, they choose their own rythm. I try to grab what's left. My second daughter and my son. Deep down I know that I can only keep my son. For the rest I exist because of the pennies that I earn. Without it they will never treat me well. I have lost the best part in life, my sister. The one that I can trust, the one that really cares for me. I could compare our sisterhood with my mother daughter relationship. My mom has given me the best. God took my sister and trust me you have had the best part of life and you stopped right at the moment when they were about to vanish.

I scribbled down again my resolution for the year 2012. The unknown future that lies beyond my horizon.

2011 and 2012

Christmast has just passed. New Year is coming. What have I done throughout the year of 2011 and what I am gonna do in the year of 2012? 2011 will soon be over and I will call it the past. The past is not there for nothing, but the past is an experiential learning. A journey through the time and space. Unique and has its own story to tell.
I might say that 2011 have taught me a real painful lesson. This year I learn the hard fact of reality, I am a diabetic patient. Within the last 3 months I have been consuming diabetic pills. In the beginning I cant believe that this could happen to me, but as time goes by I began to get used to it and try my best to live with it. The next question that come across my mind is: How long do you give me time to live God?
The next curse that knock at my door is the fact that I have to release those people that I love to lead their own life and ways. Loneliness began to bite my skin. No more family time and I have only my son to look after. I try to adjust myself to this reality, not easy but then I have to face it. My mother is probably the best mirror of the future. I might end up my life like here, sitting on the sofa waiting for people to pay attention to me and spend their precious time to talk to me. Yeah... it's scary but I will soon land in that part of life.
I get transformed from the job that have always been my passion into a strange world that doesnt even cross my mind to touch. Imagine, from an extreme people oriented job into an extreme system oriented job. Worst of all, I dont have the right to say what I think of it, I didnt even get a response when I wanted to find out the purpose. Again I have to place a very huge excuse into my heart and brain as not to hurt myself more.
Another battle that luckily ended up like a fairy tale is my son (allow me to say end for I dont have the capacity to think more than just today). The sentenced was announced by the doctor that he suffers from ADD. But he'll grow out of it.... I know that God would never let me carry things that are too heavy for me.
Above all the sad things that happen to my life, God gave me sweets in between. Christmast which had lately been unbearable began to appear with a friendly face. It was not my typical childhood christmast but it made me happy. I gathered with my big family and felt the spirit of christmast running in my vein before it finally stays there in my heart. Thanks God....for the happy moment.
In response to all these things, I wrote down my resolution for 2012. I am going to set up my own business. Small in the beginning but very much altruistic. In the end of 2012, my product will be in the market.

DESSERT OF FORLORN

Lately, I felt like wandering alone in a dessert of the forlorn.

AUTUMN

Life is like the four seasoned weather. I used to know spring, and I have passed summer. Currently I'm facing autumn. The time when all the leaves turned yellow and brown, the time when all the leaves fall and slowly, gradually sucked by the earth.

These last days everything seems to be out of place. My son's program, my work, my daughter and my husband. The universe seems to be against my plan. I got transfered to another department. I used to be in this department, but then I had been in a different division. So, this is totally new to me. The reason why I got transfered is the biggest composed lie I have ever heard. But deep down I know why and so do everybody in the organization.

I had been busy to start my own business. I learn from an expert and that takes most of my time. Working on your own consume lots of energy. But then freedom is there. You are not judged based on your race nor are you judged based on your faith. You work with your brain and hands, not with your lips. I cant wait for my retirement so that I can focus on my own business and family.

My eldest, she's away in the land of her own. She is no where. She has to lead her own life, I dont want to bother her. I let her grow and be her own person. A bird told me that she has a job, which is good. Hopefully she remembers that her education is an investment to her future. Everything that's instant doesnt offer the best result. I have chanted the song in her ears ever since she was a baby, but it seemed that I had chanted too much. She chose her own way, life and friends. So be it. Sooner or later I have to let her go.

My second daughter, she's doing well. But need to be motivated or else she lost her focus. To be honest, there is no other kids of mine that could be compared to her. She helps me a lot by being independent. I dont have to spend too much energy on her and things work like magic. Thank you Lord, and thanks to you my love.

My son, all that I wrote is mostly about my son and my eldest daughter. I dont need to say much about him. I just feel a bit uneasy, for these last days I am too occupied with my work and business and left him behind with his program. Nobody took care of it. Previously my eldest used to help me, but now that she's gone, I have to take care everything on my own. I had a big fight with my husband about being in charge of the family.

My dessertation has also been neglected. I felt so guilty for not being able to cope with it on time. I began to scribble down again these last couple of days, and I'm doing quite an improvement. It's not that hard, I mean the chapter that I'm working on, but somehow, the me inside is not cooperating well with the external parts.

What need to be done? I have to go on with my business. For they will be my future. I will take sewing class on Saturday to equip myself with the ability to run the business. I will work on my dessertation, and I will definitely work on my son's program, encourage my daughter to move on and deep down inside I still miss my daughter and I could never forget her in any ways.

SAD AND HAPPY

My application to be part of an internasional organization has not received any responses yet. I sense that they have refused to hire me because of my age and my background that doesnt fit the demanded competencies. Anyway, this is what life is all about, sometimes you win and some other time you loose.

I presented some materials on change in a local company yesterday. They gave me quite an enormous amount of financial reward. An amount that went beyond my prices all this time. Im happy not because of the money, but simply because I feel that I exist.

I talked to a friend who managed to pass the entry test for the vacancy in the international organization. Deep down in my heart I'm happy for her. Life has been not really that good for her and I think she deserves to get that position. It will serve as an eye opener how my organization has been neglecting their best employees, simply because they couldnt catch up with the way those progressive people think.

I only have my dissertation to work on. Im going to focus on it. And I have my family to take care of, yes financially I have to take care of them. Sometimes I feel it's unfair... because none of them have ever...ever given me just a little bit of attention, be it on my birthday or during christmast time. I have never found a small gift from my family me on christmast time. Sometimes I believe that they just want to make a surprise for me... so I probably would get it by tomorrow ...and I waited...tomorrow...the day after tomorrow and on the third day..I stop hoping that I will get something from them and I cut off my illusionary dream.

Hah..happy and sad, they are part of me...and they are part of everybody... im happy and im sad...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Yesterday was my birthday. Goodness, time flies. I received quite many birthday wishes from friends and from people that I dont remember anymore. Anyway, it's there, thank you for your kind attention and most of all thank you for your little prayer. They do mean a lot, especially when it is based on sincerity.
Like many years that have gone by, I expect to see surprises when I got up, but again like many other years, the surprise is not there. Life just goes on, like yesterday, the day before yesterday and many other days in the past. So I wiped off my expectations and put my boring "attire" to face the day.
This morning, I woke up rather early, and stay in bed. The perenial question was there again my head. It had been there yesterday, on the way home from the dentist. We both met on the training event prior to the 1985 SEA Games.
me: "What was your first impression on me when we first met?"
hubby: "You have your own world, you hardly hang around with others. You went straight to your room and not an easy person to get close to."
me: "Is that so?" ( I was hoping that he wanted to make some corrections on his statements)
hubby: "yes", he responded abruptly.
This morning as it came back, I remember the psychologist statement:
psy: "It's really suprising to know that you are a Public Relations practitioner. You dont seem like you have the call to do this profession."
me: "But I did, and i'm happy with it."
psy: "yes, but you could be happier if you do other things."
I wonder if I really have been such a personality that hard to deal with. The only thing that I know, I enjoy doing things on my own and I love to explore this life alone.
God, thank you for allowing me to inhale another year of fresh air. Thank you for allowing me to explore the painful and the beauty of life. Bless me Lord!

WELCOME A NEW DAY!

The hustle and bustle of the traffic in a big city is the typical flavour of living in Jakarta. Traffic congestion is something that everybody has to deal with, especially during the rush hour. All the streets are all bogged down by the amount of traffic. The more people get used to it, the more impatient they became. As a consequence they wake up in the morning, with heads stuffed with expectation to deal with the traffic congestion. They dashed off to work as to be able to avoid the traffic.

The expectation then turns into reality. As people drive, they are then sucked up by the congestion and got burried in the graveyard of the traffic. In next to no time, they will get irritated and spit out curses if not four letter words. Car drivers blame the motorbikers, and so do the opposite. Pedestrians are not considered liable to use the street. If cursing is considered as a crime, then the statistic for crime in the traffic will probably recorded the highest rate.

I am no better than the rest of the people when it deals with traffic. With my negative expectation in my head, I get easlly irritated by the traffic. And, yes... I spit out curses. It has turned into such a habit that it has never come across my mind that I'm no better than those people that annoyed me. There were times that I tried to control myself but the intention almost immediately dispersed into the thin air.

This morning I tuned into a radio station, broadcasting the topic on happiness. "Happiness is about how you control yourself to see things. Happiness is not about the things itself, but happiness is about you. To speak the language of the common, happiness is not about the money that you put into the stockmarket, or about your fancy cars. Happiness is about how you perceive things around you. So YOU are the creator of happiness."

I sat silently behind the steering wheel. The words penetrated deep into my mind. It's not the traffic that irritates me, but it is how I perceive the traffic that irritates me. If I choose to cool off and not to follow the negative expectation that dwells in my head, things would probably end up far beyond getting irritated and depressed. I miss the YOU in me, my freedom to become myself.

REFLECTION

The news that my uncle died in Cirebon has brought my husband away for the entire week end. He represented the entire family and went to Cirebon with my brother in law and my uncle. Two of my children went to watch Java Jazz, commencing as of Friday to Sunday. So I was home with my son during the entire week end.

Saturday morning, I took my son for a short drive and went to the ATM to solve some unsettled bills. Then we drove through the neighbourhood and had a mother-to-son talk. The house felt empty. I tried to read some articles, but after an hour of two, I got bored and decided to do something else.

I laid down quietly in my bed. My mind was wandering in the wilderness of my thoughts. One scene after another came into my view, be it the past or the castle in the sky. I assembled the circle of causalities, one into another until my mind was focused on one issue: have I been a good person?

I felt like broken beats toyed by the wind. Whirling and twirling in the sky aimlessly. I tried to find what's lacking in me. It's I, I and I concealed behind the me...me...and me... . The world is evolved around me. I had been very occupied with myself until I forget the facts that the world is so full of others. Those others are reflection of my relationship with God. As I ingore the others, then I ignore God. My relations to God is a mechanistic relationship, a habitus. I go to church and pray because that's how I had been brought up by my mom.

"Dear Lord, forgive me! Dear others, I want to be part of you!"