LIFE OF PI

Two thumbs up for Life of Pi! Lately I have hardly seen any movies of similar quality to Life of Pi. The Hours was probably one that was close to it. Aside from the breathtaking cinematographic angles that contribute to the success, the story itself is so amazing. Similar theme had once been brought to the movie screen based on the award winning Novel written by John Steinbeck, "Of Mice and Man."

What is the difference between an animal and a man? Life of Pi offers two choices of leading life to the viewers. In time of depressed an animal tend to attack and kill other being, be it man or animal. As with human being, the ability to reflect and think, provides human being with the ability to control him/herself and spend efforts in finding harmless solutions. The movie ends with an enigmatic open plot, it all depends on the viewer to make a choice between being human or non-human.

Reality is not much difference than the theme. The choices lies open whether we choose to be human or non human. Amazing enough, that many choose the later be it an a direct or indirect manner.  Pi decides to keep his existence as a human being and managed to deal with Richard Parker, the Bengali Tiger. They both survived and collaborated until the end of their journey. The ones who are in favor of the opposite are easy to spot. The case of Angelina to take one example, she was accused and sentenced for corruption. She chose a short cut to reach for her dream. Did she "take" what belong to other people? The court proved yes though indirectly. The rape and brutal beating of the woman, who died of severe internal injuries in India is definitely another blattant example. The 6 "animals" deserve to be treated like any "animals" should. Politics is a  fertile soil to harvest the state of being non-human. One attacking the other is an ordinary news in the media. You hardly spot an article in which they use their intelligent to win a situation. It's not about how to show your existence and stand out among the crowd, it's more on how to pull down the rest so that the animal in you can stand higher. I've seen friends turn into enemies at work, I have experienced sisters that turn into strangers in families, I have witness, children turned hostile for the sake of material wealth.

Life of Pi is just another movie, but it is also a different movie. It stripped you out with a question: which one are you?

ADDITIONAL HOURS FOR RELIGION

Student brawls. That was the beginning. Then came the genious ideas from the ministers' genious mind. A simple linear concept, fighting brawls with additional religion hours in schools. Based on such a simplisitic ideas they made it happen. The 2013 curriculum will add some other hours for religion.

Prior to these genious ideas, they cut off the curriculum. At the elementary level, 10 subjects were reduced into 6. for Juinior high they cut 2 subjects. Schools are expected to elaborate more hours on each subjects. The new additional hours for religion will definitely go against such purpose. Under the assumption that the general public of my country suffer from amnesia, they add some more hours for religion which will deduct the hours for other subjects. The government expect students to gain moral values through those additional hours.

I am not against adding more hours for religion. I question the purpose and the reason behind it. School should definitely be responsible to students moral values, but how responsible is responsible compared to parents? Can you prove that those additional hours will contribute to the moral values?  Should the moral values increase will it serve as a short cut to overcome the brawls? I believe the idea behind adding more hours will erasse negative behaviors are too ignorant. Behavior formation is a long story not a simple mathematic issue that could be solved with an additional two hour religion class. We have the role models comprises of leaders, teachers, parents, friends who are more powerful in behavioral formation compared to an additional two hour religion class. If they behave well, I dare to guarantee that it will minimize all the negative behaviors. If corruptors, rapists, robbers, liars, are still your closest neigbours, forget the idea of minimizing missbehaviors. Another basic question that boggle my mind, what are categorized missbehaviors? Unless you know the real meaning, you cant fight them. If you still dont know the difference between a corruptor and an angel. Forget all the idea, they are nothing but  phatic communication!

CENTURY GATE

It's on again. The media as always play a leading role in making it on again. It's everywhere. Some say that they are targetting the Vice President (Tempo, 26 Nov-2 Dec, 2012). Some other say they need a sexy topic to redicrect the issues. Whatever the reason behind the exposure of the news, The Century Gate is there! My concern to this case focus on the classficiation of bank systemic risk.

The concept of system could be traced back to Ludwig von Bertallanfy, a biologist,  in the year of 1940. Von Bertalanffy was reacting against reductionism brought by Cartesian rationality view and made an atempt to revive the unity of science. To make a pragmatic explanation I would say that Von Bertallanfy had witnessed and felt the danger of the scientific atomistic approach in which every object in this reality is treated as a separate entity. In General System theory  “The whole is more that the sum of its parts.” Constitutive characteristics are not explainable from the characteristics of the isolated parts. The characteristics of the complex, therefore, appear as new or emergent.

Back again to the case of Century Bank, one of the reasons for providing liquidity assistance was based on the new criteria of systemic bank. Previously it was based on on quantitative scale. Banks with large capital were classified as systemic risk bank and would therefore be in the priority list to get assistance. Failure to one of them is assumed to have a systemic or domino impacts on the entire banking system. With the introduction of psychological criteria Century Bank which was previously not categorized as systemic banks was then included into the systemic banks.

If we trace the concept of systemic banks into the original theory of general system theory, the entire banks are to be considered as a system. Every banks are interconnected and interdependent of each other. The relationships are not solely based on economic reason. Psychological, political, biological and all spectrum of espitemology  are to be considered. Both the central bank and the government had circumsized the concept of system and left quantitative reason as the only consideration to name a system. Even a small bank will have impacted the system. It's just a matter of time. The small bank will take longer time compared to the big banks. In the end each impacts all.

CHRISTMAST IS ALMOST THERE

I received two mails from her. I knew it was spam, but still I kept them there. The feeling that you wrote to me bring the memory of the past. I traced all the mails, one by one. The thank you letter that you wrote to me after our wonderful holiday. That holiday moment was wonderful, yet a bit depressing. I felt a bit restless because I knew that some might not like the fact that we all came to your house and celebrated Christmast. But we did it for you because we love you and we knew that you would not be here with us for long.

Sitting under the christmast tree with mom and you, reminded me of the past, the unforgotten past. Christmast has always been the best time of the year, the moment we all looking forward to. I always thought it was because of the presents, later when I grow up I realize that it was not the presents, it's the joy and merry of being together. The atmosphere is full of laughter and smile. Small fights in between that add flavor to the Christmast spirit.

I still kept the picutre. You and me and some other cousins under the Christmast tree. I held a box of christmast present in my hand and our cousins sat around us. The excitements, the joy were painted on their faces. Can I have those moments back? Just for a few hours, not more? Are you there Sister? Can you hear me down here? It's almost Christmast

HAUNTED

Dear God,

I talked to a friend last nite. I talked about her and her shadow that has been chasing me. In times of sorrow and in times of pain, her name always pops up in my mind. She's my friend, my sister, my soul who's always there for me. I miss her so much. Rest in peace sister.

THE BALLAD OF THE MINISTERS

The headlines of the news covered brawls among students in Jakarta. The first one occurred among two elite schools in the southern part of Jakarta. One student died after being beaked by a sickles. This news had not lasted too long before another students in Depok was killed folowing a brawl among students of two vocational schools. Enclosed are some pieces of interview with two Ministers on this issue:

The Jakarta Post, September 26, 2012 “We are sorry that violence is still rampant at schools. We are determined to make this case the very last of these brawls ever, and to transform these two schools into harmonious, top-quality neighborhood schools,” Nuh told a press conference with Jakarta Governor Fauzi Bowo and the principals and the two school committee heads of SMA 6 and SMA 70 state high schools in Kebayoran Baru, South Jakarta. (Hallo! Within the same week another student died in another brawls)

The Jakarta Post, September 27, 2012: Religious Affairs minister Suryadharma Ali put the blame on a lack of religious discussion in schools. “We will cooperate with the Education Ministry and the Home Affairs 

Ministry to add extra hours of religious subjects in schools.” (God please help our Minister he put all his burden on You and need to be reminded of his part. To all the houses of worship, mind the message).

http://situs-berita-terbaru.blogspot.com": Saya agak surprise. Saya tanya puas mas telah membunuh korban? 'puas pak katanya. Siapa yang gak kaget, membunuh orang kok puas," kata M Nuh kepada wartawan di Polres Jakarta Selatan, Jakarta, Rabu (26/9). ("Asking a question is indeed more difficult than answering it". Now I know what it means. Can you consider asking the proper question as part of our education subject? I am willing to be the first student as I see it as a big issue. Poor child, aside from your poor attitude, I feel sorry for having been stamped with the label that was triggered upon you).

YOU ARE MY HERO

I am over the barrel. Helpless and battered. I have been trying to understand what was the reason behind everything. I believe there is one if not many reasons that things happen to your life. God doesn't play dice with the universe if I may copy a notorious experession.

As time goes by, the veil is gradually open and provide a gap that lead me to the big picture. The headache is not yet settled, it's still there. But the hero is standing right in front of me, ready to protect me. You are not perfect, who is? With all your lacks that made me see you as a total imperfection is gradually changing. You protect us in time of despair and you do it in silence and full of patience.This is the first time that I admitted the fact that he's my hero. Thank you for keeping the patience so long. twenty six years is not a short time. Yet you are still there by my side.  Thank you. You are my hero, indeed.

OUTGOING MAILS

Dear God, can you spare your extra time for me? Can we sit down and talk? Will you listen to my story, to my version. I know you are there to provide me with the best way ever, I believe in You, no other just You. But can you put what I believe into reality. Just one or two? I don't need all. Just one or two, if I may.I will put them in my outgoing mailbox and send them to You. Please read them God.  I am so so so tired!

YOU SAID

On Sunday, You said that I had to take the risk of walking in Your path. I gained my strength and prepared to walk on your path. On Monday, I realized that it was not easy, for the pressure was getting stronger. The tension mounted and they got closer to physical attack. There I was, waiting worriedly in the corner of my garden. 

Today is Tuesday. It's so much early in the morning. What will happen to my life on Tuesday? Will You bail me out, or do you want me to go on walking on the thin rope with all the risk? Please protect my family. Bless my mom, my daughters and my son. Give extra strength to my husband and tell him that I am waiting for him in the other end of the thin rope. You said You will protect me.

SPARE ME!

Dear God,

I'm battered. Spare me. Please!

WHAT IS THE HASTE FOR?

The weather is very much unfriendly lately. I did predict and sense the storm and hurricane coming. In my native language there is a proverb Sudah jatuh ketimpa tangga which more or less means similar with someone who falls out of a thirteen story window on Friday. The proverb refers to the continuous bad luck that occur to a person within a period of time. Soap operas make a huge profit out of this critical point. Heavy exposures on this area serves to hammer the heart and soul of the viewers. Once they feel battered and blue, the ads are exposed to trigger irrational decisions.

Good luck and bad luck are like my right and left hand. I use both to deal with this life. I see both as part of a cycle, if you go up, you have to be ready to go down. If you are happy you have to be ready to be sad. The black cloud that pass my door will always be there. I learn to accept it with a view that there will be the sun after the cloud. However, what’s written in my book of knowledge is not what occurs in reality. There is always a critical point that we have to deal with. A moment in which I feel battered and have to make decisions at the same time. The moment when irrationality dominates and I haste to make decisions to overcome the cycle of bad luck.

Action that spurs reaction. That’s me. The more I tried to get out of the black cloud the more I get drowned into it. My son suffers from ADD. I make a huge efforts to overcome it one after another, believing that this is what a good mother should do. I forget to take a silent moment and let my effort work before moving to a new effort. I’m proud of the fact that I have done my best effort to deal with it. I was chased by my own shadow and have never let my effort worked and be proven. The same thing happened with so many other things. I worked and spilled my blood and forget to let the silent moment fall in between, and let it disperse and become effective.

I remember vividly something that I have read in the past and felt that I completely understand it. “The eleven laws of the Fifth Discipline.” The followings are some of them, Today’s problem come from yesterday’s solution (A haste in making decision will contribute to future problems), The harder you push the harder the system pushes back (The more efforts I put on solving it the more severe the problem becomes), The cure can be worse than the decease (What seems to be a solution will only work for several moments before it turns into a real problem), faster is slower (what is the haste for?)

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

I dont know wether to call it good or bad news, but on Wednesday I was given a hint that I didn't pass the promotion scheme. There is a new trend on the promotion system, those who are included into the promotional package will be notified by phone and since I did not receive the magic call, I am not part of those who are going to be promoted.

Good or bad? That's another issue. Is it good or bad? Everyone was a sort of expressing their condolences to me. They feel sorry for what happened to my life. People in general see it as bad news.   As with me... I dont know what to say. I couldn't say I'm not affected but nor could I say that I am so much affected. To use the little finger that God granted me, I would say it affected me that much (showing my little finger). Please do not read it as a sign of underestimation or my retaliation to the reality...I simply feel that way.

My experience has taught me not to make an early assumption for what is bad or good. There is no single definition or truth about good and bad. It all depends on the context. Things that appear good in the beginning will turn out to be a disaster in the end. So it with the bad news that appear in the beginning will bear many fruitful things in the end. My being transferred to the new department a couple of months ago was one of the experience that made me see it as bad news. But as time goes by I begin to see the positive things in it and take the transfer with a totally different perspective.

In seeking of the meaning of this news, I have thought it over and over, and managed to gain some rational reasons behind it. Not being part of the promotion wagon, I will have retired within a two year time. I have my son and my family who probably need me more than this work. I challenged my reason from the financial perspective. Still I need some money to support my son. But then the voice within said, God will provide you with a complete package. If He appoints you to be in one place, He will make sure that you have or will have the relevant knowledge and skill to survive. So far I am blessed to have various experiences and knowledge that I could use to overcome the financial challenge. Sounds easy? No way...it's of blood, sweat and tears. But let me say my perspective, the financial challenge is obsolete!

So what do I have to do now? This is my text in response to one of the so called text of grievances: " I believe that whatever provided for me are nothing but blessings. All I have to do is to wait for the meaning to open up the veil and exposed itself. Space and time carries the meaning with it, so I am standing here in front of a horizon waiting for the phenomena to appear. So..good or bad, it all depends....

A MAN OUT OF MY BOY

My son started his new day in his new school. I got back home from Bandung. So we talked in his room. A calendar was on the desk. It was his school calender in his previous school. While I was adjusting the sound to the proper volume, he took the calender and suddenly he dropped it again. He said, I dont want to think about it anymore.

His statement was like a thunder that stroke my head. I couldn't believe that he made such a statement. Things must not be easy on him to move to the new surroundings and school. I definitely didn't want my son to be sad. So I gave him a hug and he cried in my arms. God, please take extra care of my son's heart. You put him in my hand a couple of years ago and I have always handled him with extra care. Now that my hands are not strong enough to carry his heart, do you think you can carry his heart in your arms? Please God, I beg you to help him grow.

I talked to my son and told him that within another two year time, I am going to retire. When the time arrives, his previous school is going to be too expensive for us. There is one of the reasons of transferring him to the new school. But the main reason was more for him. My boy needs a school that can help him grow and become his own person. 

I remember my conversation with the headmaster. 

HM: "What do you expect of your son?" 

Me: "I don't expect anything for he will have his own life. I just want him to be independent and be able to take care of himself. I am the one to be blamed for what happens to him. I spoil him. I handle him with extra care, and at the same time I did not teach him to be a grown up."

HM:  "We will be there to help you but you have to help him before we can help you."

Later when you grow up my son you probably will have a chance to read this piece. I want you to know that I have never meant to hurt you or made you sad. I want you to grow up and become your own person. It's just that I don't know which is the best way for you. Yesterday I thought the previous school was the best for you, then I changed it again to this new one. I have to admit that I kept on changing my plan, but trust me they are all based on my love for you and my intention to let your grow and become a real man out of a boy.

VOTE FOR ME!

Among all the candidates who run for the Governor position for DKI, how do you judge the one who fit? All the campaigns and all the media coverages provide flashy news on them. Most of them came up with the too good to be true programs to solve the perennial issues of Jakarta, such as the flood, the traffic, transportation and many more. They all come up with promises that they can not keep I might say and worst of all the public will definitely get carried away and vote for the heaviest promises. Later, they will regret their choices and grumble.

The opening for a number of top positions in my institution work with similar process. In my institution the board of governors are the decision maker to every promotion at this level. So everyone are trying to meet the CEO and wear the best attire and mask they could to impress them. Flashy stuff were thrown out in the air. 

The process has finished so far. Behind the scenes stories are all over the organization. How the member of  the HR steering committee cut the list of participants were just one story. All the documents and views of the supervisors are ignored. They use various indicators to cut the list to nominate their favorite candidates. The board's power to nominate is another. It is not less severe than the committee. One of them even expressed his power to nominate a person who claimed as a Phd graduate from one of the most notorious university in the world. It turned out that was the biggest lie ever. Still she managed to get through it. 

As a spectator, I notice the power of bubbling image. People are making any efforts to put themselves in the flashy bubble and make an extremely strong impression on those blind people. The key message is nothing but vote for me. And they manage to get the message through and get voted. Huh... what a reality.

THE END OF SCHOOL YEAR

It's June again! How time flies. This is the end of school year. Fail and success are everywhere. On the street students celebrate their success in may ways. Some ride on their motorcycles, parading around the city. Their school uniform full of scribbles and squiggles of colorful pens. You wont notice those who fail for they also "celebrate" their success in a different way, hiding in their own dungeon. 

My son has to move to a new school. His grades are still at the tolerable level and he can move to the next level. However the effort that we have to spend to make him be at this stage is unbelievable. He has extra teachers everyday, be it mandarin, math, Indonesian and the rest of the subjects that he has to take at school. I definitely can push him all the way, but I believe all those initiatives have to come from his side.  I am aiming at improving his behavior rather than his intelligence. 

Unfortunately there is an issue that I need to deal with. In the new school, he has to stay in the second grade. The new school focus on both his intelligence and his behavior. He can definitely be in the third grade for his intelligence, however he has to stay in the second grade for his behavior. Behavior is more compared to intelligence. 

The truth is always torturing. But then it's the truth. And I have committed myself to provide him with what he actually need instead of what I want him to be. I still havent talked to him so far. I know I have to, sooner or later. If I tell him the truth, he might feel depressed, no matter how hard I'm going to convince him. It wont be easy to make him understand that if he stays in the same grade, he will be better off in the future. What is the meaning of success if it is only for a fleeting moment?

ANGELINA

A small gift for Angel who has been pedaling the circle of life too hard. Once was crowned and now drowned.

The last part of the Tragical History of Doctor Faustus

[The clock strikes twelve.]

O, it strikes, it strikes! Now, body, turn to air,
Or Lucifer will bear thee quick to hell!

[Thunder and lightning.]

O soul, be chang'd into little water-drops,
And fall into the ocean, ne'er be found!

Enter DEVILS.

My God, my god, look not so fierce on me!
Adders and serpents, let me breathe a while!
Ugly hell, gape not! come not, Lucifer!
I'll burn my books!--Ah, Mephistophilis!


a small note: Lucifer was also an angel...once.

TO THOSE WHO STEAL IDEAS!

So many things fly around my head. Zillions of ideas. I know what I want to pick when the right time arrives. But it has to wait...like I said, until the right time arrives. 

These lips of mine are intolerable. I should have sealed them ways before the ideas came boggling into my mind. But I didn't. Actually I did, but not entirely. I still open my lips to those I trust. Not knowing that those people whom I trust are the one that I should not trust.

These lips of mine they move easily and so goes the story. The story of my dreams, one after another. I sat there in the corner and rattled. Saying things with ease, not knowing that the one that I trust was busy jotting them down, in her mind. Her lips were parted and  melodious statement flew out of them: Shhhhh.... she said. Don't share your dreams to others for they may steal them away from you. I laughed, for I believe I know what's right or wrong. Sharing mine with her .... couldn't be wrong!

As time goes by, after a couple of months away, I heard rumors, a very loud one, that she's there, riding the wave of my dream. She sealed her lips, tightly! I heard it because the little bird whispered them to me. She left a scar in my heart, but she brought a lesson to my life. A very tough one, but a lesson remain a lesson. It teaches you something. Trust those who betray you, but trust them in a more sensible manner, trust them in a distrust manner.

LADY GAGA IS JUST ANOTHER PHENOMENA

I am not her big fan, nor am I a follower of her news. But once or twice I do read about her controversial exposures. Lately her upcoming concert in Indonesia has occupied most of the news coverage. The authority does not allow her to perform in Indonesia for she might bring bad influences on the cultural aspect. FPI who claims to be a religious organization also refuses her performance. They claimed her to be the messenger of evil and Indonesia is a religious country. There are some other resentments threw upon the concert, however I go beyond them to find a consistent pattern which are currently in trend.  

Stop using your brain when you read or listen to the news. Comments and reasoning go beyond the grasp of logical reason, beyond the ability of brains to absorb and understand. It's mushrooming and become a real trend. Browse all the news on corruption! See how all those money munchers escape from heavy penalties using their illogical arguments. Read all the silly but powerful comments and reasons grow in debates and arguments on television. See how the empty brains argue and win.Do they really win?  they do! How can you argue them! What is the essence of arguments? A dialog that expect people to listen to others and express your own thoughts in response? This is not the case. Shove  all those theories and normative statements sideways. This is the survival of the fittest and this is not an intellectual debate.

The debate on Lady Gaga was aired a couple of days ago. Ratna Sarumpaet was one of the defender of the performance. It's not the performance actually, but she is fighting for the fall of  Indonesians into  disgrace.  We are human equipped with the ability to defend ourselves. We are above all God's creation for we have been granted brains to reflect. Self censorship will work and choose between what's good and bad. We don't need FPI to define what is right or wrong, nor do we need the police to defend the cultural issues. They need to focus on their own areas and most of all they need to focus on themselves. 

Lady Gaga is just like any other phenomena. Lady Gaga is just like the corruption trend among the Government officials or  the sex scandals of the member of the parliaments, horror movies that aims at stealing profit from the lower class. They are there in the open horizon, waiting for somebody to lurk and grab them. It all depends on us. We do have our own self defense mechanism. But of course this does not match with the logic of the no brainers. Those who win are those who speak louder. 

The political puppeteers  sat comfortably behind the screen, in charge of their controls on the no brainers. They are just a technology, developed to kill the logical of arguments and brought to the surface the new trend of no brain but gain.

BETWEEN YES AND NO

Between the Yes and No, there lies zillions of options. Where do I have to put my stance in between? This is going to be the recurring questions that will haunt my days and nights for two weeks. For within another two-week-time I have to submit the proposal that responds to the place between yes and no. It is not a new thing actually for I have presented my thoughts and concept. Unfortunately the lecturer claimed that I took a drastic stance by saying absolute no to technology. 

Heidegger suggested to take the yes and no position to technology. For technology has both it's up and downsides. Let me go through his concept and compare it to the yes and no position that he took. He claims that in this modern life we become the slave of technology. The anthropocentric view that occupied our paradigm has placed human being as the subject that dominates other human being and the surroundings. Focus of philosophy needs to be focused to  ontology instead of epistemology. 

To focus on ontological dimension,  Heidegger suggests to start with forgetting human. The concept of human as a subject need to be altered through the releasment or gelassenheit. Forget wiling and shift into non willing instead. This will take us to an open horizon in which we have to wait for movements or activities that will merge in the horizon and reveals themselves as das sein to the subject. 

Heidegger does say that we have to take between yes and no. But does he translate his stance into his concept? I would claim no! For turning down the subject as the center and allowing object to reveal itself in the horizon is a yes or no position. I don't read any symptons that indicates his between yes and no position. In a pragmatic way I agree with his claim, but conceptually I still don't get his logic. Share your opinions as to enlighten my between  yes and no brain.

THE MISTRESS (ISTRI SIMPANAN)

The headlines of today's news focuses on the fact that an educational book for children of secondary grades covers a story related to mistress (istri simpanan). Almost all the news was trying to put the blame on the ministry of education for allowing the word and concept of mistress to be that part of the book. Tempo new covers a broadcast on twitter, asking the rational behind the decision to consider it part of education material. The ministry of education was so mad and promised to set up a team to find out who's to actor behind. The head of Dinas pendidikan regrets the incident and put the blame on his subordinates.

This is one among the series of jokes happened in Indonesia. There are many facts that could be cultivate out of this hillarious incident:

1. Have they ever done their job properly instead of condemning their subordinates or trying to to find the scape goat? They must be too busy to cater for their own self interest and forget their responsibilities. They always end up at the same corner, putting the blame on the ghost or on their subordinates.

2. Hypocracy. A mistress exists and it is a real case among the public. Dont they consider the case of AA Gym as part of story that contributes to the education of the children? Dont they think that case of some gay artists speak louder than the school books? Dont they consider that unsettled corruption cases are more the lesson learnt compared to school books? They read the news and listen to the infotainment more than they browse through their school books.

3. Have they ever considered that children have to learn from mistakes. And as far as I know, the story does not put the mistress high on a pedestal, instead they put it as part of an ordinary story out of which you can learn from the mistakes.

4. Female is objectified as always. The devil , which is the mistress, is female.

I stand in an opposing side to the rest. For I support the fact that educational book covers real stories of what is happening within our society. Let children learn through real cases instead of providing them with the life of wine and roses and creating a gap between their mental model and the reality.

THE LADY SITTING ON THE BALCONY

I am old. I was bold. But that was years back to the past. I am going to be 90 this June. My bedroom and the balcony are the only two places in which I spend days, hours and seconds of my life. I sleep most of the time, and if not I sit on the balcony for hours, watching the family come and go. They are all occupied, go to work, do some sport, go to the uni or simply go to school. They come back home late and could probably care less of my existence in the balcony. They do not even see their future in me, sitting here in the balcony, sometimes with the maids and sometimes with some rats that go back and forth.
I realize that I cant catch up with the language of today, and my memory could not accomodate more than a few sentences for a few minutes. I will ask the same question again and again until I notice some of them get impatience and slowly but definitely they leave me there on the balcony. There are times my other grandchildren call me and talk to me. I hear beautiful words flowing, asking about my health and telling me that they love me. Do they really? I dont know for I feel like a forlorn and forgotten old lady. I feel like I am just another burden to the family. If you really love me that much, dont you think you will visit me and accompany me in my old days? Sorry for asking too much. I just want some attention. Make me feel that I exist, talk to me and sit next to me.
When they are home, they are all tired or they have another subject to deal with. Again they ignore me. I used to be there, I used to be in their place. I used to feed the family. With these two hands, I brought into alive all my children. One by one they went away from my life. I faced two of my five children gone away to heaven. I watched the three of them facing the battle of life, each in their own ways. I am happy if you are happy. I am sad if you are sad. They come to me when they are sad, they walk away when they are happy. I will go away and I know you will all cry. Love is not about crying on the curb of my corpse, but love is about showing that you really love me. Talk to me, listen to my repetitive sentences.
I am just an old lady, sitting on this balcony, sleeping when my head is heavy. The balcony is gonna be your place in the future, replacing me when I'm gone. A place where you will shed your tears. Thinking how you wish I will have been there for you, in your sadness and in your madness.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT BETTER

Cold sweat ran through my forehead, running down to the sides of my cheeks before it finally landed on my neck. My entire neck was wet. I felt empty and dizzy. It's back again, whipping my nerves and body even harder than before. The pain was unbearable!
I asked Him again, what else do you want from me God? I begin to change, I try to be a better me. I am trying to do all my best to be yours. This is my temptation, this is my cross. I take it God and
I thank you Lord for all your blessings. If she is one of the blessings, I thank you Lord. I dont ask you to take this cross away from me, but pls give me strength to face it properly. I love her Lord, no matter how bad she is. Show me how to love her Your way, not my way.
Are you lonely my princess? Are you hurt? Do you miss your dad? Am I not good enough for you? Do you want me to accept him? Give me strength to understand her Lord. Save her from all the temptations, talk to her God, help me make her understand You better.

NEW PLACE, NEW SURROUNDINGS AND NEW ME?

It's been almost 3 months since I moved to the new department. Things are getting a little bit clear. I begin to see the big picture and begin to dive into the details. I have to enjoy it, no matter what, this is what life is offering me at this very moment.

About 3 weeks ago, the previous member of the board, came down to my place. He has gone through a lot of awful times. He was trying to look as if nothing changed. I saw myself in his reflection, trying to pretend that nothing change. I did not know what to say but the moment was boggling my mind. He then made a statement to me:"Finally you found your home." My home? Is there a place called home in this jungle? Anyway, I replied nicely: "Every place has to be my home Sir. There is no other way to keep myself comfortable then to treat any place as home."

Today I received my personal appraisal. Yes, as I predicted the old department classified me as mediocre. I travelled back to the past and saw the pattern, if the boss likes you (not your work) he will label you as superior and it works the other way round when he doesnt like you. I learn to carry this reality although it is not easy. As far as I remember, I create new things, I innovate and I dont just do the routine stuff. Anyway..... let it go...

This new place and new surroundings have turned myself into the new me. Have they? I doubt. I saw myself tracing back the path that I had been through in the past. I went back to the moment in time in which I felt myself as a good person if not best. The naked me, without all the labels without all the ornaments, sitting under the shade of His blessings. Thank you Lord for all the blessings.

PLAN IT THE WAY YOU WANT!

It's been 9 years since I first wrote this blog. Many pieces were written down for my children. In fact I compiled some that had been written down for my eldest on her 17th birthday. I read them again and again this morning. I laughed while the crystal cried slowly rolling down on my cheeks.
I painted a life of honey and roses for my daughter, yet she chooses a different kind of life. I do understand that she has her own will, but I just feel sorry for everything. She seemed like running slopping down the hill. I watch her from a distance. She is miles away....
She quit her studies for the third time. She dated the wrong guy. She changes the nature and worked at nite and slept at daytime. She kept on lying, one after another and I let her go on... She hang out with people that heaven knows how.
My plan for her is not her plan. Her plan lies in the mind of her own. I let you go my princess... I let you lead your way. I believe that God will be around you.... while I am wathing you from the distance.

RIP LIBRARY.NU

I had never taken any profit as much as I had with Library.nu. I believe most of the users of it will share my opinion. The previously known as Gigapedia offered millions of freebooks . Yes, they are free! They earn their profit from ads or from premium user.

A couple of days ago, I was browsing and downloading some books when suddenly the site went down. I did not know what happen and thought I might be coming back again the following day to continue browsing. But Library.nu is not available from that day onward. I still did not know what's going on, and went browsing to know the reason. Apparently a consorsium of publishers had sued Library.nu.

It is really interesting to think of the concept of offering free books. On one side it is breaking the copyright law, but on the other side, it helps zillions of people all over the world to have free access to the collection of books. I happened to read somewhere that most of the users are people from developing and underdevelop countries. So both have ethical issues to address.

Some of the people are for the copyright issues. They showed their concern for the writers who spent their time on writing their master piece and get nothing in return once it becomes the collection of Library.nu. However most filed a complain for not having access to books anymore. It is stated that the rate of complain listed as one out of ten most posed questions in Google.

As for me, it is a hard blow. For I really make use the availability of it for my studies. I get a lot of books there. I wonder why there is no cooperation between publishers and sites such as library.nu. They can collect money from users and in return users can get access to anybook without the facility to download them or whatever. Learn the behavior of users from Library.nu and make something out of it. The ethical issues will be addressed from both sides.

I began to see the picture that had been predicted years ago while I was a student studying the new communication technology. It is predicted that ebooks will trigger new ways of making books available to the public. The fact that one of the biggest book shop had to be closed down is just one phenomena. A counter reaction was then directed to Library.nu by the publishers. We have just to wait for the revenge from sites like library.nu. I wonder why both are thinking for their own profit. Why dont they just colaborate to create a betterment for knowledge?

MONSTER I

This morning the church was like any other Sundays. Dominated by old people and little children. The young ones were still in their deep sleep. Those who show physical presence are sometimes not really there. Their mind are travelling somewhere else. I am one of them, though not always.

But this morning was one of the special Sundays. Monster I was there. He was everywhere actually. The pastor was trying to drive it out of the church. Our body is supposed to be the church, but most of the times we treat it like a trash can. We put all dirty stuff inside and turn us into Monster I. Jealousy was one of the faces of Monster I. We envy others for what they are, do and have. That's positive. But it turns to be dangerous when it transforms into hatred. "I hate him because he could manage to write a book. I hate her because she has everything in her life." I am the Monster I.

I forget that I am blessed. I have my children and most of all I have His blessings. It's just that mine is different from others. I should have been proud of myself and express my pride with love. Love for my neighbors, love for God in my deeds not just in my dreams. Thank you Lord for depriving the monster out of me. Thank you Lord for making me understand what to do when the monster arrives.

LETTER TO GOD (4)

Dear God, Is there such a thing as moving backward? Why is my life moving backward?

All my efforts seem to be useless. Am I not good enough?

NEW PLACE, NEW PEOPLE, OLD ME

I have moved to the new department. Like I said earlier, a swing from people to object oriented. Am I happy? I must say I am not in the beginning for there are so many thing that need to be caught up. Heaven know the future!
Yesterday was my farewell party with the old department. Some quite funny and entertaining programs were performed. I was being a total hypocryte. Actually I didnt want to attend it for I know I had to betray myself. Then I decided to go, for I know the kind of image that will be labelled upon me should I not. Yes, the paradox of dealing with the public is to betray oneself. I a kind of missing my old team. Forget it for it is not my destiny.
Today I hold my first meeting with my team. They are nice people, except for one of them who was trying to grab the entire atmosphere and be the centre of everything. I let him for he needs it. But you can not hold it too long mister!
The language was totally new, the job was totally new. Yes, I was there once, back to 7 years ago, but then I was not in charge of the current issues. and moreover the issues had not developed like it has today. One important thing that I learned as well, people tend to make easy thing look complicated. In this case, the projects are chopped down to small pieces and make them look sophisticate until you dont recognize the genuine face of it.
Bahhhhhhh...... the old me trying to fit into the new environment and the new people that dwell in it.

ANOTHER B.S

Let me ask you to sit nicely next to me and tell you that you can not get out of your habit. You BS again, and it's getting even worse.

1. My friend went to Puncak last night and they asked me to go with them and they wanted to call you. I told them, not to for it's impossible that they would let me go. (I dont know how much you guys earn, but all of you must be stinkin' filthy. Every week end, it's either going to Puncak, to Bandung, clubbing or...heaven knows....where)

2. My friends are still asleep <-- that's the following morning at 7 am. (I wonder what they did in Puncak, left at midnite and at 7am the following morning they were fast asleep. It takes a genius to deal with your mathematics.

3. We want to buy dresses for the girls in our next event in Tanah Abang. Can I borrow your car? I said no, because I want to go to Bogor. (Later on she said, her friends were still asleep at 4pm, and when I told her that Tanah Abang is closed by 5pm, she said oh...we wanted to go to Cililitan <-- you must be talking to your friends in their dreams for they were still asleep. Btw, I hope that your events work well, Cililitan, the traditional grocery and fruit market, sells a lot of nice dresses.)

4. When we talked on the phone, I asked her about her friends trip to Puncak and she switched the topic right away. (Uncomfortable ?).

I dont want to say much except for a small comment: BS never die!!!!

Letter to God (4)

Thank you God, I have settled some of my chores. The proposals and the paper are done. I need to work on two other tough ones. Will you be there to provide me with strength and bags of ideas?

BREAKFAST AT THE STREET VENDOR

They are street vendors, but then the food taste probably better than a 4 star resto. I had my breakfast in jalan Lombok this morning. It is located next to two schools. Imagine, the people that gather there, they are a combination of all levels and class, rich parents, driver, nannies, people like me who are there to have breakfast. As many other street vendors, we have to strive to get seats and those seats are mobile. So, it is a common seen to see driver sit next to a well dressed lady or a group of parents mingle together.

This morning my curiosity has dragged me to open my ears and eardropping the conversation of a group of parents. The topic of discussion was holiday. Clear enough, today is the first school day after the long christmast and new year holiday.

Mother in law. They are the hot issue. One lady complained for taking her mother in law along for the holiday. Her mother in law was cranky and she ruined the entire holiday. They didnt have enough time to visit more simply because of her mother in law. The other lady continued to lead the discussion. She admitted that her mother in law is nice, still being old, they had to drag her and that made her holiday imperfect. The rest of the group seemed to have similar problems and took a lesson learnt of not taking their mother in laws in their next holiday. Poor mother in laws, they were sentenced in absentia.

The second topic went to the places that they had been. Some had been to Bandung and some other ones had been to singapore. They discuss the similarity and differences of those two holiday spots. The discussion was actually a media to express their life style, but they made it looked like a sharing moments.

I do understand that people need to gossip. I do! But listening to other people gossiping made me drag the mirror and looked inside it. I wish I didnt hear the conversation, for I plea myself as guilty. I am no better than them in fact I am one of them!!!

Letter to God (3)

Dear God,

Is it time for me to cut part of my bodies as to be able to live healthily? Please give me a sign. I know it's gonna hurt me more than anything, but I know that it will help me to live longer. Another additional question, is it wrong to think of myself? I have been taking care of them for so long, is it okay if I begin to focus on myself now?

ASSIGNMENTS

There are times that I suffer from severe headaches out of my adolescence decision. On the fifth the final assignment on Levinas have to be submitted. At this moment, I am trying very hard to understand and deal with the original text. I do understand the big picture of it for we have had this topic for the entire semester. But, writing about it requires more than just the big picture. I have to dig down deep into it before I could write a well analyzed argument on his thoughts.

I have decided on many things and I realized that I couldnt deal with them altogether at the same time. I wanted to start my own business and have been working on it. It takes a lot of energy, more than just the simple things that I had imagined. I have then decided on another new thing before I even finished the other one. I am faced by so many things that requires my energy to solve.

I had to face it and be responsible to what I had decided. I draw a list of things that need to be done. I started with my paper. I have to scribble it down by today and have it finish by tomorrow. Then I have to submit my proposal for the dresses and food by today. I am almost done with one of them actually. I have to move on with my dissertation and submitted it by January 2012.

Arrghhh...what have I done with my life. Trying to keep myself busy? Is this what I'm looking for in this life?

LETTER TO GOD (2)

What do you mean by pain God? Still don't get your message clear! You promise that the temptations will always be bearable. Am I that strong. Please answer me!

ANNIVERSARY

I made stuffed grilled mashed potates. She ordered it the day before. She asked me: " how much are you gonna charge me?"

I said:" It's free!"

Then she responded merrily : "Thanks I consider it as the joy and happiness that you share with me for today is my wedding anniversary."

I put a smiling emoticon and said:" Well you got my message dont you? Happy Anniversary! May God always be with you and your entire family, lead a life full of blessing. My regards to your husband and kids, tell them I'm happy for them."

She thanked me sincerely and I quit off the conversation. My heart sunk deep into the wild ocean. My lips were sealed. I wanted to tell her that that day was also my anniversary, but things worked differently with me. My hubby was so far away in his own world. He has been in his own world for long and I was in the office earning my pennies. I didn't mind though for I have been leading this life for more than 12 years. It's just that my friends' happiness was bothering me. Her looking so much forward to celebrating made me feel small and jealousy occupied my heart. You might say I was romanticizing this life. I will say, I was. I tried to control my emotions with my ratio and yes it worked. I didnt tell anyone about it and tried very hard to pump it out from my heart. I didn't complain to anybody except for this frozen monitor in front of me.

At nite I went home and found my second daughter in her room. My other daughter wanted to go to Puncak with her friends. I was torn in between. I wanted to say, stay with mama. I need my children. Instead I told her that I used to spoon feed you with happiness but now it's your time to define your own happiness. If you wish to go just go. (hah.. I deserve a gold medal for this heroic action... hahahaha). My son, my precious, he's in grandpa's place. He needs friends. I starred at my monitor and hoped she would say I would stay. She didn't, so I told her to be careful. I went to my room and the maid followed me into my room. She wanted to do late night groceries shopping . My husband was still somewhere out there and he would pick her in the traditional market later on. I sat again in front of the monitors. I held my phones in my hand. I was hoping that God in heaven would greet me and said: Happy Anniversary! Sounds emotional, like I said I was being emotional. Yes and what is so wrong with that? I had every right to be dominated by my emotions.

Happy anniversary my hubby. We had been married for 26 years. We had passed the critical time and we sunk into the most unbearable time of our marriage. Find your freedom... I will let you go....I'm tired of everything. I entered my frozen escapades. A bubble I created myself to ease my pain.

LETTER TO GOD (1)

Dear God,

Can you help me see things from your perspecitve instead of mine?

Amen.

THE FINAL MOMENTS

I began to feel the fear, the angst of what's coming. I have to take into my consideration that today will probably my last day. I hate this feeling, but it's there and I cant escape from it. I begin to adjust myself, to see everything from a distance. To perceive me from a diffent perspective than the I perspective. The strange me from the perspective of I.

The nature speaks the language of the final. Careerwise I'm almost done. Although I wont give up and never will. I plan to build another cycle of life. In the beginning I was very much enthousiatic about it. But lately I have been asking myself, is this what I really want, or is this just a self defense mechanism. Resistance resides in the beginning phase of change. Should it be part of the natural phenomena then it wont last long. It will diminish gradually swipe by the waves of change.

The family life speaks the language of the final. Except for my son, the family life seems to lead their own rythm. I'm outside of it. Maybe I am the one who remains inside of the rythm, but the rest change, they choose their own rythm. I try to grab what's left. My second daughter and my son. Deep down I know that I can only keep my son. For the rest I exist because of the pennies that I earn. Without it they will never treat me well. I have lost the best part in life, my sister. The one that I can trust, the one that really cares for me. I could compare our sisterhood with my mother daughter relationship. My mom has given me the best. God took my sister and trust me you have had the best part of life and you stopped right at the moment when they were about to vanish.

I scribbled down again my resolution for the year 2012. The unknown future that lies beyond my horizon.

2011 and 2012

Christmast has just passed. New Year is coming. What have I done throughout the year of 2011 and what I am gonna do in the year of 2012? 2011 will soon be over and I will call it the past. The past is not there for nothing, but the past is an experiential learning. A journey through the time and space. Unique and has its own story to tell.
I might say that 2011 have taught me a real painful lesson. This year I learn the hard fact of reality, I am a diabetic patient. Within the last 3 months I have been consuming diabetic pills. In the beginning I cant believe that this could happen to me, but as time goes by I began to get used to it and try my best to live with it. The next question that come across my mind is: How long do you give me time to live God?
The next curse that knock at my door is the fact that I have to release those people that I love to lead their own life and ways. Loneliness began to bite my skin. No more family time and I have only my son to look after. I try to adjust myself to this reality, not easy but then I have to face it. My mother is probably the best mirror of the future. I might end up my life like here, sitting on the sofa waiting for people to pay attention to me and spend their precious time to talk to me. Yeah... it's scary but I will soon land in that part of life.
I get transformed from the job that have always been my passion into a strange world that doesnt even cross my mind to touch. Imagine, from an extreme people oriented job into an extreme system oriented job. Worst of all, I dont have the right to say what I think of it, I didnt even get a response when I wanted to find out the purpose. Again I have to place a very huge excuse into my heart and brain as not to hurt myself more.
Another battle that luckily ended up like a fairy tale is my son (allow me to say end for I dont have the capacity to think more than just today). The sentenced was announced by the doctor that he suffers from ADD. But he'll grow out of it.... I know that God would never let me carry things that are too heavy for me.
Above all the sad things that happen to my life, God gave me sweets in between. Christmast which had lately been unbearable began to appear with a friendly face. It was not my typical childhood christmast but it made me happy. I gathered with my big family and felt the spirit of christmast running in my vein before it finally stays there in my heart. Thanks God....for the happy moment.
In response to all these things, I wrote down my resolution for 2012. I am going to set up my own business. Small in the beginning but very much altruistic. In the end of 2012, my product will be in the market.

DESSERT OF FORLORN

Lately, I felt like wandering alone in a dessert of the forlorn.

PASSWORD

One of the most frequent use security system is password. Everytime you log on to the system you need to provide your password. Once you did it, the system is open and we are inside or part of the system.

Lately I have been thinking about family life. I was wondering what make the family system turn fragile. Is fragility part of the rythm of a dynamic system or is it part of the threat that has access to the system. I believe both work, fragility due to the threat is a manifestation of a dynamic system. I then arrived to the conclusion that you can not escape from the dynamic rythm. Follow them but then you have to lead the process, you dont just follow and be led by it, but you have to lead.

How do I lead? If the stone get drilled by the drop of water, I need to find the drop of water that drilled the frozen heart. The only thing that could do this is the power of love. Love manifested itself in various forms. As to my case I decided to use a passwrod. I might be good in arriving to a conclusion and formulating the solution but Im terriblly bad at implementing it. So that password are just password that remains in the corner of my mind, occupying a space I called the secret hiding place.

I wrote it down here in this blog, and I wrote it down in my secret password. I sang the lullaby of love to you in my heart every night. I think of you when I swallow any food and wondering if I can save a bite or two. I let my finger chant the love song and gently touch your picture with it. They are all voiceless but they are all genuine. They are my love to you. My password to bind the family, the bond that has been torn apart. The song that remains unheard, for your ears, your eyes, your brain and your heart are all occupied by that bastard. I pray to you Lord, to use your love to solve my love, to save my family.

PROGRESS

My son is making a tremendous progress. His cognition, affection as well as psychomotoric progresses are amazing. Within this one week, he's been doing his homework on his own. I encourage him to do it regularly so that it becomes a habit. He is more independent now.

He gets better grades in all areas. Arithmatic, language, phonic are progressing. Chinese is a bit behind yet he is showing progress. I bought him a bike last week and he's very happy. He can play with his bike after he's done with his homework.

My next step is to encourage him to study tomorow's lesson independently. If you can pass this one, we are almost done for the rest depends on you.

ps. happy birthday to my long lost child. Hope God protect you and be with you always.

FOOT BALL

Lately my son is so much addicted to football. He plays football e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y with his school mates at the school yard. This news is good news to me. But then there is always the bad news that goes along with the good news.

Lately he has problem with keeping himself awake when it's time for him to study. In the beginning I thought it was more driven by his laziness. In the second place, I thought he was too tired because he has to spend so many hours for his extra lessons after school. But then if I traced the past, he had never had this problem before. So what is it then???

As a short cut solution, I let him sleep till ten o clock, woke him up and studied until 12 midnight before he went back to sleep. There were times I had been too tired to stay awake, so I let him sleep till 4 am before he had to sit with me and study. However, this doesnt seem to last for my body began to ache.

As I was striving to find a way out, I then realized that I was trying to give respond to an unknown question. Was it really the hectic schedule or was it because he's lazy? Suddenly I remember all those stories about playing football after school hours. The story of desperate drivers and nannies who have to strive very hard to drag the children home. The stories of the change in his eating habit, the story of extra shirt to school and so many other stories that goes around foot ball.

Aha.. this is the bottom line of the story. Now I know that football is the main cause why he could hardly stay awake to study. Knowing the problem doesnt mean it's easier to find the way out. I dont know how to find a solution for this situation. My son loves football and period. Btw, my husband is a football player and that explains.

PATIENCE

Patience where are you? In the office, at home and even inside of me, I was trying to locate patience. It's nowhere to be found. I am packed with so many unsettled matters and that make me end up with nothing to settle.

Throughout the entire week end, I did not go anywhere but focusing myself on the entire progress of my son. Still, we don't have enough time to do all the things. He's got 2 homework from school, lots of homework from his math class, homework from his mandarin teacher and a pile of notes to be transferred into his note books.

He's been working on part of his notes since Saturday and started to work on part of his homework. This is Sunday, he started to work from morning till afternoon. Then he began to worked on them and had not even finished until this hour. I know that my son is having problems with focusing but then I believe that there is something wrong with this educational system. A child of 7 with that much homework? It doesn't guarantee that you will create genius out of them and most of all you are creating nothing but an unhappy child tortured by schoolwork.

THE GOOD NEWS AND THE BAD NEWS

It was Saturday. It was time to see the doctor for the latest result of the medication. I left my house with a pessimistic view. My son is not doing any progress. In fact it's getting a bit worse. I didn't do any efforts to check my cellphones for this is week end.

I arrived at the doctor just in time. We dont have to wait long before the doctor invited us to get in. I knew the typical questions that he was going to ask, but I was in such a doubt to tell the truth, affraid of him prescribing a higher dossage for my son. So when he bombarded me with questions, I responded with lots of uncertainty. He asked me if the teacher is seeing any progress in my son. I said I dont know for I had not been communicating with the teacher. He asked me how my son was with his sisters. I said he still is the same, teasing his sister around. He didn't seem satisfy with my responses, so he asked me to go out of the room for he wanted to check the progress himself.

While sitting outside, I tried to contact my son's teacher. As expected, she complained a lot. I told her how sorry I am and make promises that I'm not sure I can keep. As the doctor asked me to come into his room, he showed me the result of his observation. My son is making progress. I then told him my conversation with the teacher. He retorted sharply, I didnt promise to make your child a genius, but I can help to  him focus. As with his lessons, you have to deal with it yourself. The medication that I prescribed is not meant to make them make the quizzes correctly.  Let's give him another two weeks to go before we decide what to do with the medication!

We went out of town on the same day. I took all his books, over reaction things as always. At night, we sat together on the dining table as the cool temperature rushed in through the windows. My son would have a quiz on phonics and he had to study more than 50 pages. I was surprised, for he could manage to do it quickly and happily. He focused and burried his face deeply into his books. Before dinner, he managed to finish almost half. My enthousiasm is augmenting. Thanks God for helping me out!

As I sat in front of the television I took my cell phone and saw a message from my son's teacher. She wanted me to come over to school on Monday. I know what it means and my heart sank deep into the ocean of uncertainty. As with my son, merrier and he's happy and handles his lessons better.

 

WINTER

 

I went out to the garden of my yard

to explore yesterday and the past

I saw the white lilies bend down in despair

and the red roses turning pale in the air

Winter is about to appear with an arrow

Threatening autumn to bow

His claws have shaken all my desire

and deactivate in me all the fire

The sound of children laughter

touch my heart and pleasure

Tapping me lightly on my shoulder

reminding me of my treasure

Winter will soon take the time over

I have to light up the fire

bring back alive the children desire

and keep the promise of summer

My children will have to tell the tale

of conquering cold during the battle

and won the trophy of God

for we have faced it with bold

AUTUMN

Life is like the four seasoned weather. I used to know spring, and I have passed summer. Currently I'm facing autumn. The time when all the leaves turned yellow and brown, the time when all the leaves fall and slowly, gradually sucked by the earth.

These last days everything seems to be out of place. My son's program, my work, my daughter and my husband. The universe seems to be against my plan. I got transfered to another department. I used to be in this department, but then I had been in a different division. So, this is totally new to me. The reason why I got transfered is the biggest composed lie I have ever heard. But deep down I know why and so do everybody in the organization.

I had been busy to start my own business. I learn from an expert and that takes most of my time. Working on your own consume lots of energy. But then freedom is there. You are not judged based on your race nor are you judged based on your faith. You work with your brain and hands, not with your lips. I cant wait for my retirement so that I can focus on my own business and family.

My eldest, she's away in the land of her own. She is no where. She has to lead her own life, I dont want to bother her. I let her grow and be her own person. A bird told me that she has a job, which is good. Hopefully she remembers that her education is an investment to her future. Everything that's instant doesnt offer the best result. I have chanted the song in her ears ever since she was a baby, but it seemed that I had chanted too much. She chose her own way, life and friends. So be it. Sooner or later I have to let her go.

My second daughter, she's doing well. But need to be motivated or else she lost her focus. To be honest, there is no other kids of mine that could be compared to her. She helps me a lot by being independent. I dont have to spend too much energy on her and things work like magic. Thank you Lord, and thanks to you my love.

My son, all that I wrote is mostly about my son and my eldest daughter. I dont need to say much about him. I just feel a bit uneasy, for these last days I am too occupied with my work and business and left him behind with his program. Nobody took care of it. Previously my eldest used to help me, but now that she's gone, I have to take care everything on my own. I had a big fight with my husband about being in charge of the family.

My dessertation has also been neglected. I felt so guilty for not being able to cope with it on time. I began to scribble down again these last couple of days, and I'm doing quite an improvement. It's not that hard, I mean the chapter that I'm working on, but somehow, the me inside is not cooperating well with the external parts.

What need to be done? I have to go on with my business. For they will be my future. I will take sewing class on Saturday to equip myself with the ability to run the business. I will work on my dessertation, and I will definitely work on my son's program, encourage my daughter to move on and deep down inside I still miss my daughter and I could never forget her in any ways.

THE REALITY

It's been a week since the doctor increase the dossage for my son. I dont see any progress. The literature said that it takes at least 6 months to see the effectivity. The doctor told me that it took only two weeks to see the medication work.

I know if I tell the doctor that the medication doesnt show any impact, he will increase the dossage again. This is what im scared of, for the medication will have a hallucinative impact on my son. I watch my son on a day to day basis: he still tries to be in the opposite direction to my words. He would do it my way but then he had to rebel against me. He still played trick on his sister and that made them fight. He still have difficulties to focus and need to be assisted all the time, or else he wouldnt be able to finish his school work.

I dont know whether I should tell the doctor the truth or take my own decision and lie so that the medication will show its effectivity after six month? Lots of questions with no definite answer.

WHAT'S BEST ?

If you ask me what's best for my children? I might give you a weird look, for every parents directs all their efforts to give the best. On a second thought, I can not agree more for the question entails another question, who defines the meaning of best? Is it me or is it my children?

In one of the discussion I happened to get acquaintened with the concept of dwelling. A comfort zone similar to a home. A place where egology dwell. A place where we invite others to come inside and define them based on our categorization. The reality is a totality, the reality is similar for my spectacles are utilized to see and interpret things. They all occur under the name of having a good intention to others. I dont have the intention to dominate, yet I dominate. I subjectivate others with my spectacles.

The other is not less than me in every ways. They deserve a space in which they can express their faces. Through their faces, I make my acquintances with them and at the same time I appreciate God for they are the unique and infinite creation of God. I worship God through the face of the other and I have lost my right to kill the other for it has never been my right in the first place. God creates and God knows what to do with them. I am oblige to give them room to express their uniqueness and get to know them from their own dimension and perspective.

Children are no less different. I have learned a very good lesson these last couple of weeks. They are not mine and they want to be appreciate as what they are, through their own face and perspective. If their perspective is not good enough to me, then it's my problem. As with them they will learn what's best when they stumble against the stones of life. What they learn might not be the same as what I have learned.

Lord, let me open my mind and raise my child based on what's best in his view, not in my view.

IT FAILED TO WORK

Yesterday was Saturday. It's been two weeks since I last took my son to the doctor. So, I took my son again to the doctor yesterday. The main target of the visit was to find out if the given medication had worked.

As the doctor invited us to get inside his room, he asked me about my son's progress. I had asked my helper at home how my son behaved during the two week in which he was under the medication. She told me that he was doing better. As with me, I had not seen any significant progress. The progress that he gained so far was basically based on my program and had been on even before the medication was prescribed.

The doctor assumed that the medication had no impact to my son. So he was trying to find the reason. He asked me if I had continuously given the medication. I told him that last Saturday was the only day that he missed the medication. He arrived to the conclusion that the dosage needed to be increased. I began to ask him questions about the impact of the medication for I understand that it will create hallucinations and increase the suicidal tendency. He told me that it is still safe for he would increase the dosage from 10 to 15. 20 is the most that my son could bear.

The medication doesn't work be it for the dosage or any other reasons. The answer has to wait for another two week time. Hopefully this time it works. But then there is another question that need to be answered. If it works, will my son be dependent on the medication for his entire life?

ANGELS ARE EVERYWHERE

My son tends to be disorganized. Today they lost their books, tomorow they lost their pencils and so on and on. My son is not an exception. He looses his school diary and makes us busy with making phone calls to know the agenda for tomorow, or he looses his coloring pencils, or books etc.

Last week he went straight from school to his chinese class nearby my mom's house. So I told him to take a nap at my mom's place. He was wearing his PE uniform when he went to school and by the time he got home he has changed into another shirt and pants. I didn't pay too much attention to all those nitty grity.

Yesterday he had to go on a field trip to the museum. He was supposed to wear his PE uniform but I couldn't find it no where. I forgot the fact that he wore it last week to my mom's place. We were all busy searching for his uniform when a text entered my cellphone:

"Good morning! My daughter told me that your son had lost his PE uniform. I happened to buy two pairs of them last year and still had one that I can spare. If you dont mind, I'd like to give it to your son."

I almost felt into tears when I read the text. Thank you Lord for sending me your angel. They are everywhere.

THE FIRST TERM

One term is over and that lasted for three months, commencing as of July to October. It's time for his report card. My daughter went to school to pick up my son's report card. I knew that things were not as good as we expected them to be for my daughter did not call me right away. I couldn't control my curiosity and called home."Things are not that good compared to the previous term! He got F for Chinese, he got A+ for music, with three Bs, 4Cs, and 7Ds."

As soon as I got home I traced his report card. He got 60 for Chinese which is F and Ds range from 65 to 74, Cs range from 75 t0 84, Bs from 85 to 93 and As from 94 to 100. My son is one level better than the lowest student in his class.

I do not pay that much attention to his grades but then the teacher does. For me his focus is the key to his success. Grade is just an indicator and it is important though not the most important part. He is below average with his grades, but he's progressing with the most important thing, his focus. Let's work it out together son.

TO WIN AND TO LOVE

Help my son. Ease his pain. Tell him that You love him God. He needs so much love that words can not explain. Why do people vote for those who need to win in a competition and why dont people vote forpeople who are in need of love ? Is winning more important than love?

...

Life has not been good within these last two days. Yesterday my son was supposed to take his first medication. It was not easy to find the medication prescribed by the new neurologist, but I managed to get it at Rumah Sakit Pondok Indah. The tablets has just been pusblished on the 2nd of October.

My son didn't want to swallow the medication no matter how hard you try to push him and no matter how persuasive you try to talk to him. The medication has to be taken in the morning. I did my best to persuade him and fail. My daughter helped me and we both failed. Finally my husband came and pushed him to swallow it. I almost fainted when I saw how he did it. Dear God, can't you help me with a better way of doing it?

My son got scars and bruises on his right chick. He has swollen fingers. and most of all he's so much hurt. The pain is nothing but the fact that his parents hurt him is more than the bruises. I went off the car and took my son. We both walked. I took him home and cuddled him. He told me that he didnt want to miss PE class. So I decided to take him back to school. I was late myself for work.

Lord, hurt me as much as you want to but dont hurt him. Put the cross on my shoulders and I won't complain but dont let my son carry the cross. He's only seven!

When I got home at 6.30, my son and I went into my bedroom and we studied arithmetic. He managed to finish one out of the two assignments within the time limit. I gave him a star. So far he's got almost 25 stars. Keep it up son, you need another 25 to get a bike.

DOUBT

I took my son to another doctor. This is the one that I got from Tempo. I went straight from the airport to the hospital which is located in the western part of Jakarta. I had waited for almost 30 minutes before my turn arrived. I went inside with my son and was quite amazed to find a gentleman in his forties, quite young, greeted me warmly. I told my son to go out of the room and poured out my problems. He seems to know all the doctors that I had been to. He then invited my son to come in and asked me to wait outside. This is where the problems begin. My son refused to be left alone inside the room. He insisted that I had to stay with him. The doctor began to judge me. He said:"Your parenting style is probably the reason." He's already seven and he's supposed to be independent. Does he always behave like this at school."

I responded and said:"I visited his school once in a month and most of those times he wouldnt let me go." Deep down in my heart I knew that my leaving him for a couple of days was the main reason why he didn't want to let me go. I tried to explain but the doctor did not take my excuses. He retorted rapidly, explaining the child development process: "A child has to be independent when he reached the age of 4. At this age, he's not supposed to have this kind attachment anymore. "

I am not in a good mood to explain so I let him rattle. I will prove that next time he will be independent. My child is in the process of stabilizing. I am not a doctor but I'm equipped with one thing which the doctor did not, a motherly instinct. There are times that he's independent but there are also times when he's insecure and stay attach to me. We all do!

The doctor gave him a series of toys and asked him ro arrange shapes by colors. In the meantime he videotaped my son. My son was focusing on the task but once in a while he turned his head around to see if I was still there. After he's done with the task, the doctor invited me to sit by his desk and asked my son to play in the corner of the room. He said bluntly:" Your son suffers from attention deficit disorder. And I need to prescribe some medication for him. There are two types of medication: the first one will impact his appetite and the second is a new medication and it is said that it doesn't have any impact. Basically it is dopamin. I leave it to you to decide."

I responded straight away:" Give me the prescription."

He wrote down the prescription and explained that I had to get the medication in another hospital located in the northern part of the city. That's the only hospital that sells the medication. I am still in a doubt. I didn't know if I wanted to give my son the medication.

THANK YOU SON

Today my son had his mid semester quiz on Bijbel and Bahasa Indonesia. He had been studying the afternoon and at nite he spent another 4 hours. It pays for today he gets 85 for Bijbel and the result for Bahasa Indonesia is still not announced. However, I am quite convinced that things would not be much different with Bahasa Indonesia than the Bijbel.

I did not know what to say when he broke the news. But one thing for sure I'm very happy. All the efforts pay and most of all he's doing progress. He feels more confident and I can feel it. It accelerates his motivation.

My son, I don't expect you to be a genius or what. I am just hoping that you could be independent in any ways that you choose to live. One thing that you can be sure of, I love you and I will do anything within my reach to make you happy and independent.

LEARNING WITH FUN

My son will have the mid semester quiz for an entire whole week, starting as of tomorrow. I decided to try a new method, combining learning with exercise, which is an afternoon walk. I know it's quite risky knowing that my son has inattentive problem. He has to study among the hustle bustle of the afternoon traffic. However, I decided to give a try for if he's able to focus in the heat and traffic then he will not have any problems with focusing in the class room like any other kids. It's a kind of exercise for his inattentive problems.

So, we went for our afternoon walk. It was so hot that no longer had we walked then we had to stop for a while in Mc Donald. The heat was unbearable. Despite all the sweat and heat, my son managed to finish one chapter out of 4 that had been targeted for tomorrow. He was grumbling all the way, but I knew that he was trying to adjust. As to motivate him I promised him that if we could reach Pondok Indah Mall, I would buy him a toy. The reward is indeed powerful. As I offer him to go by busway to another direction, he asked me to focus on PIM for he was aiming for the toy.

After Mc Donald, I added another topic, Bible. He had to finish 4 chapters and managed to finish 2. This time, he wasn't grumbling anymore, on the contrary he was very happy and learned quickly. As we arrived in PIM I told him how proud I am of him and how good he had been along the afternoon walk. We went straight to the store and he bought, again, a car. He was lucky though for the shop was offering a special deal. For any purchase of two cars, one gets another car for free. So my son brought with him 3 cars. And...believe it or not, I added arithmetic and he didn't show any serious reluctance to it. Instead he memorize them well! We agreed on going to do the afternoon walk again next week. Sport and toys are his strength!

INDEX FINGER

In my previous post I wrote down how I had realized that my son's inattentiveness had contributed to his reading ability. It's not that he's not able to read, but he could not focus. He sees the first or the last syllable and guess the rest of the word. I asked him to point the lines with his index finger to help him focus. It helps, he can read faster now and most of all he understands what he reads.

I discussed this issue with a lecturer I happened to meet on my trip to Yogyakarta. He looked deeply into my face and said:"You know what? That's what Japanese organization requires the employees to do. For every object that has been the focus of the attention they have to point it with their index finger. I didn't realize why they have to do it, not until I heard you talk about your son. Maybe that was the reason, to keep people focus."

HIS FIRST DAY

Yesterday was my son's first day with the special therapist. I have hired a therapist twice a week to assist my son with his inattention problem. The program lasts for 1 1/2 hours each visit. I wasn't there to see how things were, but then I talked to my son and went through the first report.

The report basically says that my son ability to focus is still not under his continous control. She gave him toys that will help his ability to focus, yet she did not leave me a message the part that I have to do with my son. I truly believe that she can't handle everything within such a short period and she needs us as a helping hand.

Yesterday, as I got home, my son and I spent sometimes in my room to read his school assignment. I asked him to read twice and he was complaining. Despite the fact that he didn't like the idea to read it again, he made progress on the second try.

As I rode in the bus this morning, I realized how ignorant I had been last nite with my son. Instead of focusing on reading it, I had better focus on his understanding of the reading material. I should have asked him to draw and made a role play out of it. Eeghhhh..... how could I turn to be so ignorant!!