SPS

I bumped into the phrase SPS that stands for Slow Processing Speed a couple of months ago. A friend mentioned it to me and I was triggered to search for further explanation. My old computer seemed to be the best metaphor for a child with SPS.  The pace at which it absorbs, processes, makes sense of information take longer than any other kids. It has nothing to do with being smart. A kid with SPS tends to perform tasks longer. SPS does not solely  live with learning and attention issues, but it can contribute to learning and attention issues like ADHD, Dyslexia, dyscalculia and auditory processing disorder. Worst of all, it impacts learning at all stages and executive functioning skills which is the thinking skills that help kids plan, set goals, respond to problems and persist on assignments, staying focused and monitoring how well they are doing.
I took a ride in a friend's car. Her husband is a qualified practitioner of medicine. I talked about SPS. Then he said that there is no such word as impossible. To get rid of the word impossible requires persistence, hard work and most of all one has to believe that one can do it. God has never created a person with problems that are too heavy for them. I was silent, even days after the conversation had occurred. Despite the blow,  I was a bit relief for now I know the question.
I have been trying for years to find the answers which question I do not know. From one expert to another, a seeker I had been, a seeker of something I do not know. Now that I know the question, I did not know how to start or what to do. I am still a seeker, but this time I know what I am looking for.
I love you be it SPS, or ADD or Dyslexia or whatever it is. I promise I will be with you as long as I can and spend my best efforts on adapting you to live with SPS. I talk to God about you every night and in every possible conversations I have with Him.

INCUBUS

My eldest brother perished before I was born. I did not feel any attachments to him. I only saw his picture lying in his coffin, while my mom and dad were sitting beside the coffin. I noticed the sadness was deeply carved on their faces.  The next image of my brother was his grave. My mom took us to the grave a couple of  times. I remember the marble on which there were my brother’s picture and name. My grandfather’s name was also carved on the marble. Apparently they shared the same graves. I also remember the granite gravel on both sides of the cemetery. The beautiful glittery tiny stones shone as the ray of the morning sun reached the cemetry.

Time goes by,  the memory of my brother was forgotten. My mom had a rough time after my dad left her. The pain  of being neglected by someone whom you wanted to share your life with was deep. I did not know which one was deeper but they definitely kept my mom occupied. The story of my brother was hardly mentioned. His existence has turned into ashes...as to his body. We have never  heard anyword about him anymore.

On a fine day, early in the morning, my mom passed away.  She had been lying in bed for more than a year, trapped in a box called silence. We were all sad, but deep down in my heart I was happy for her. She had recorded a long-standing  life. She was almost 95. After her burial I went through her cupboard and found a pile of documents. It was hidden at  the very bottom of her cupboard. I said hidden  because they were covered with multi layers of old newspaper and plastic bags. I had no comperehension whether  the documents were a treasure or torture  to my mom.

I opened the documents carefully for they were dull, discoloured and full of stains. I was affraid I might damage the papers.  At the very top there was a tainted envelope. I did not need to open it for the glue that kept the sides together had lost its power. A pile of cards fell out. They were condolences cards, sent for my brother in 1948. One card was from my parents, they wished him to have a safe journey. One card was from my sister and brother who called my brother Boeng, which means brother. Then one card was from my father. It was the shortest condolences card ever. “My King.” The cards were beautifully hand written. My mom also kept his  medical record, including  the handwritten graph of his health. A feeling of agony thrust my chest and my heart turned sore.

My mother must have tried very hard to burry her sorrows. Underneath the envelope I saw other documents. Those were the court documents. I opened the filthy documents with the tips of my finger and the smell of mold and mildew stroke my nose. The horror struck and I was repelled.  the content inside the documents were a real nightmare. They  ripped apart my heart. I cried silently for my mother, for all the pains that she had to go through. My father called her names and accused her of things  that even the devil would have abandoned them.   I needed fresh air... I needed to get out of this dreadful, traumatic, horrendous incubus.

As night fell my eyes were widely open. As the curfew fell I decided to talk to my mother and prayed. I wanted her to know how much I adore, worship, and love her.

Nb. My mother had always claimed that she had a beautiful life with her children. 

WAITING ROOM

We all sat there in rows. Silent with no word spoken. The waiting room was rather dark and chilly. I noticed the empty faces. One will never know what's inside our mind. We were there waiting for our turn to come.  The air was full of uncertainties.

A lady with two white wings appeared from the room next door. She called a name. My aunt stood and walked slowly. We followed her with our eyes. She walked and vanished into the upper room. I  noticed lines of sadness in everybody's faces. We knew that she would never come back to visit us. If we are lucky we may see her in  our dream. My mom, she wiped the gloomy tears from her eyes.

The clock was again ticking. So many seasons had gone by. My grey hair began to appear like the soft snow in winter. We were all still in the waiting  room. The squeaky doors were suddenly opened. We were all startled. Another name was announced. My sister! No...no....no.... she was still so young. I expressed my anger for an instant.... but went back to my seat as I saw her go. She turned her head and looked at me... me specifically... with her eyes full of love. My tears dropped. I could hear the sound of my tears smashed against the  hard floor.  Then silent.....as my sister has faded away....turned into nothingness.

The edgy  moments were again dangling  in the sky. Nobody had the patience. My uncle began to make movements. He called for the lady and told her...let it be my turn. But nothing happened. So he gave up and waited impatiently. Luck was on his side.... the door was suddenly opened. The lady appeared. She flapped her wings while calling my uncle's name. He jumped of his seat and went to the upper room. He looked as if he knew all the way there. He forgot the fact that he left his sister in the waiting room. His sister  which  is my mother watched him closely. He left a deep cut on her chest. The cut was so deep that her heart jumped out and fell on the floor, laying ... before it turned dry within seconds.

The room has turned so cold. I noticed my mom was shivering. I knew she cried out for the  lady. But her voice got stuck  in her throat. I spotted her weary eyed. She sat in thousands of  silence. No movements. Her pulse was louder than the sound of  the west wind. Her eyes have gradually weakened. Starring to a point until where there was only darkness, no light.  She beat the lady. She ran to the upper room before the lady called her name.

I.....am waiting......Everybody's waiting..... we are here in the waiting room.

ARE YOU THERE?

I talk to her while  she's asleep . She has been sleeping for almost a year. I wonder what is boggling in her mind . She's going to be 96 this year. She has missed her last birthday, because that was the time when she began to enter her long sleep. We all gathered together. A birthday cake with candles. We put it gently on her side. Hoping that the birthday cake would wake her up. We took turns to  wish her a happy birthday. On my turn I asked her:"Are you there?"

MOVE ON!

The election  to vote for the new governor  of Jakarta was conducted two  days ago. The quick count result has  indicated the winner. As a citizen I do vote, whoever I vote is not important to be discussed for it is my own personal choice. I am more interested to discuss the long term effect of the election. The election is over. There is a term that has been used on the net referring to those whose championed does not turn to be the winner: Move on!. “Everything is easier said than done. Wanting something is easy. Saying something is easy. The challenge and the reward are in the doing.”
The election is indeed over, but the hatred that has been spread around to support each  champion remained. Let  me take you back to  the Presidential election that occured in 2014. So much hatred were in the air. Those who claimed themselves to be the wisemen, the knowledgable person, the powerful people stood firmly to support their own champion. They threw irresponsible statements in the air, hoax and hatred speech.  The general public becomes the object. Those who have sufficient education and time selected the information they read, but those who did not have time  nor sufficient education relied heavily on the provided information around them, especially when they are readily served on your plate continously.
A philosopher claimed that the two group mentioned later are the object of power. The power is not the  ordinary power that has been  claimed so far. The power runs in  the relationships. The  injection  of power goes through discourse. The will to know brings the audience into truth of knowledge. In  simple language, their mind set is constructed by discourse, because deep down inside there is the will to know. Whatever served by the discourse will be considered as the truth.
Using race, religion, gender and discriminating people might be an excellent choice to win  the election. After the election  is over we claim that the situation is back  to normal. It is not as simple as that. The hatred that has been sown along the campaign remains in the public heart and mind. The Presidential election  is a proof. People never settles down and  remains boiling with hatred. Whatever the elected President does is always an object of  criticism of the opposing parties. Rumours spread around not less better than during the election. A rumor is a social cancer: it is difficult to contain and it rots the brains of the masses. However, the real danger is that so many people find rumors enjoyable. That part causes the infection. And in such cases when a rumor is only partially made of truth, it is difficult to pinpoint exactly where the information may have gone wrong. It is passed on and on. If one tries to go against the current, be ready to be called by any names that can amputate your hand and brain not  to mention your life.
The recent Governor election is another event that add to the process of creating new classifications among the public. We now face new classifications based on ethnic, religion, aside from the political parties, gender  issues and regional issues have prospered during the previously held Presidential campaigns. The next campaign will definitely be based again on those classifications and definitely new classifications will be added, a severe ones, the ones which will bring the public closer to the graveyeard. It is just a matter of time before the opposing views among groups will trigger the fire and burn the country. Move on.....easier said than done.

GOOD BYE TO THE PAST

I used to be a hunter. A hunter who hunts for money. I was so so afraid that my children would suffer. A hunter never gets home, not until he/she has managed to catch an animal. So I work from morning till late at nite. By the time I arrived home, the kids were all asleep and my husband as always sat in front  of the television set. We did not say much to  each other. I cleaned myself and say one or two words before I felt asleep. Sometimes I even slept in my son's bedroom.

Retirement has brought a new chapter into my life. The hunter instinct was still there, but it was not boiling as it used to. I began to carefully observe what I had achieved. We have all what we need, in fact sometimes more than what we need. However, those belongings have never taken me anywhere. The house felt  so cold and yet it felt so hot.

I sat quietly in the garden and let my mind wonder. I began to see the picture of my life turning into holes. So many holes that make it impossible for me to fix them one by one. Not when I'm alone. I began to search for my companionship. I found him sitting with another companion. Laughter and happiness were crafted on his face. Apparently that was how he spent the empty days. I looked in dismay but my heart was crying. I had to fight for my right.

I patted him on his shoulder. Both of them looked at me with surprise. His companion startled and tried to escape. I hold her hand and reminded her not to come back. Then I turned my face to my husband. I saw two hollow eyes were looking at me, craving for my touch. Thousands of guilts swiped over my mind. What have I done to him, to them, and most of all to myself. I held his hand and we walked to the  garden. The garden had been neglected for so long. The bushes were all over. We began to clean it although we know it's not easy. Some of  the trees have died and turned into a solid stone, some are nothing but a thorny bushes.

We sat together in the garden tonite. We watch the fire burn some of the waste, but we realize that heaps of waste were waiting for our hand to fix them. May God forgive us and bless us as we decided to continue our journey. The stop was a bit too long. It ends without us realizing that we have never moved an inch.

MY DEAREST SISTER

It was such an awful feeling. I was so restless yesterday. I went to my husband and told him. "I feel like crying for no reason. I want to get mad to I don't know whom."

Yesterday felt like the longest day ever. I cried and fought a lot. I heard the windchimes, but did not pay too much attention. The windchimes always play the music of the wind. That's what they are  there for.

I sat quietly again this  morning. On my own, facing the garden. The garden that me and my sister love to share. Somebody texted me. I opened the phone and read the message. I was stunt for a while and remember the sound of the windchimes. Yesterday was just like today. There was no wind. There was only silence. How could I hear the windchimes?

Were you talking to me Sis. It was just like the day you passed away. The windchimes were playing the  music of the night. I could not sleep. The following morning I received the news that you went away.  What message are you trying to tell me Sis?

This morning a mail came in. A postcard, my first postcard from your daughter. Is this your message Sis. Let me do my part, the part that a sister needs to do on behalf of her dearest sister. I know your language, the  language of love. Rest in Peace dearest sister. We all love you, no matter what.

 

STRANGER

So  close yet feel so strange. I have never known him, not until I land my feet in the year of 2015. He's always around, like all the objects around  me. He's like the window pane, the wooden  doors, the white ragged love seats. He's  not even close to the white lilies or yellow dandellions in my garden.
The magic of New year has brought a new perspective. I  saw the entire situation with a different perspective. I suddenly feel so lonely. The  object that has always been around me, is gone. He has turned into a real stranger. A person I have never known for 29 years.

O CHRISTMAST TREE

Christmas as regularly celebrated is over. The crumps are still in  the air. The Christmast symbols, tree, ornaments, wishes are everywhere. Soon, very soon, they also have to go away, elapsed by time. Our christmas tree is still standing haughtily in  the living room. Brown and gold are the chosen color. I was expecting that this Christmas will be shining like gold.

 I love this Christmas, the kind that I had in my childhood. On Christmast Eve, the entire family gathered together, not to mention some friends who were also invited. This is the best Christmas present I have had within these last couple of years. Family, the feeling of having a big family, of being a part of so many people, has lofted me with tons of happiness.

Soon, very soon I have to take all the ornaments down and keep the tree in the box. A kind of refusal occupies my heart. They are symbols, for the real one is in my heart. Still I feel sorry that I have to put them down soon.

SIX DAYS OF AUTUMN

Autumn is the time for me to finish all  unsettled questions.  The real autumn is over, in  fact this is summer. But I have reached the autumn of my life. There is one big question in my mind. What’s gonna happen to me when I grow old? Will somebody look after me? I knew the answer was no. But that was my assumption. A six-day-journey has brought me to the real answer.

I did not see anything strange upon my arrival. But on the way I began to feel the symptons.  Unpleasant frown on  the face as I wanted to do my shopping list on the first day. It’s only six days, if I could finish my shopping list on the first day, I still have five days to go. It was not my personal shoppinng, it was for the school that I am going to establish soon. Anyway... I did not do the shopping on the first day. So there goes my first day.

On the second day, that was Wednesday. I stayed home the whole day. I clean the kitchen a bit and noticed that there was almost nothing to cook. I stayed  home and ate a piece of bread. Suffer from hunger a bit the whole day. In the evening, I said...let’s go out and eat. So we went out and dined. The food was so so...but i was starving and that was probably the best food I have ever tasted in my whole life.  We did some shopping a bit, for I need some fruit to balance all the junks that went into my stomach to ease  my hunger. Today I was informed that friends would come over to eat. I will cook for them.  I love to do it, it made me feel appreciated.

On the third day, that was Thursday, we went out shopping. I bought lots of books for my library. Another frown. I pretended I did not see it for this is my third day, I have to do something for myself. I took a taxi home for If I did not, the frown would probably stay forever. In the evening I feel like going out so I went out on my own, and wondering, dont you want to do some shopping for  tommorow? Anyway...I’m willing to do more and more, but I am older now, I can not carry all the shopping list myself. So I dont know how things are going to be tomorrow.  I leave it to the master. I wanted to finish my project but I could not. I need some resources, and I asked her to borrow a book from the library. But she forgot it. I asked her if I could use the electronic digital library, she said there is no such thing. I remember last time back home, I used her electronic digital library resources. Maybe the  policy change or maybe...I dont know what.

On the fourth day, Friday. I took a shower earlier that day, because I know that invitation had been sent and people would be here in the afternoon. No food? It was after lunch, the initiative to do shopping turned up. The invitation was at four, and we went out at 12 something. So I could figure out what’s gonna happen next. We arrived home around 2 and I began cooking. At 4 people are turning up. I’m still cooking. A question popped up. Why did it take me so long to cook? My goodness, who do you think I am. A genie or what? She asked for rendang and this is the longest food to cook. I turn the stove higher to make the process faster. Lucky, the rest of the guests arrived late and I could finish around 5. Right after I went inside the room to sit, she popped up and said, the food need more salt, it is tasteless. The hurt and pain was mounting and I went out to apologize to the guests. After dinner, they all went out and I was again alone in my room. Anyway... I have heaps of work to finish, but the pain in my heart hurt so much. I told myself, you are older and you turn to be more and more sensitive. Okay. I admit this fact.

On the fifth day, i was left alone from early in  the morning until late at night. That’s okay. I kept myself busy and cook for the day. At night she ate the  food and gave some negative comments on  the meat. Well, I dont have any excuses to say. Let it be. The pain and hurt have already been there anyway.

On the sixth day, which is my last day. No moves, nothing. So I stayed quiet in the room. Feeling abandoned, feeling sad, everything altogether. It was almost twelve when I was asked if I wanted to go out.. That day was not my day. I received bad news from home. On the way I thought I miss my bus card. We missed the bus, I could not draw cash and we got lost.  Finally we decided to go to the city. Again. An aimless trip, not knowing what to do there. Anyway.... just do it. My mind was at home actually. So in the city while we were having  late late lunch, I was trying to bring her in to find a solution. She did not say a word. I know what’s in her mind. “It’s none of my business”.  The hurt  was so deep. I was unstable myself, she did not have to carry the burden. I do, I was just asking her for an opinion. Anyway... I stayed quite the whole night. She came to me and apologized. I tried to explain my reasons. You dont need anybody when you are happy, but you will definitely need somebody when you are sad.  She smiled happily. It’s not because of my words, but simply because she could make me speak again. I tried to make the best out of my last night. I asked her to order pizza and we ate and had a conversation together with her friend. I went to my room. She stayed outside and slept on  the bench. I might be the virus that made her affraid of sleeping in her own bed.  She was affraid that I would ask her opinion about the problem back home. Anyway...she moved into her bed, late at night, and went to sleep right away. Some important phone calls were ignored.  After lots of complain and after receving lots of promises to visit the  library, she finally let me use her electronic digital library. I did not really use them in  the end, the mood is not there anymore.

My departure day, Monday. I was mad yesterday, so I said, I didnt want nobody to take me to the airport. Yes, she made it happen. Okay.... you dont know me then. No matter how heavy my suitcases were, I was not going to complain. The pain did not stop there. I was in the bathroom, she shouted at me telling me that the taxi was downstairs. I knew it, but that was not 6 o”clock. That was a bit early, so I still can use the bathroom. The pain was so unbearable, I cried a bit in the bathroom and I told her that i can’t wait to leave myself.  I went out of the toilet and grabbed my bag. She followed me. My suitcases were already downstairs. I am more than ready to leave. I kissed goodbye and I jumped into  the taxi. I did not turn my head, not even once. I left the memories of my six days behind.

I finally have to thank her for answering my questions. Winter is almost here, I will be ready to be on my own. You can  count on my words. 

 

GOLD DUST

December is knocking at my door. Somehow I feel uneasy with time. It flies and it is impossible to stop. The dreams that haunted me in my childhood and teens are again wide awake. I keep a handful of dreams in  the palm of my right hand. I have to mould and turn them into reality. As I grow older, the magic power fades away.  I hold the gold dust tightly in the palm  of my hand. I notice the  leak, I notice the gold dust slowly and gently slip through my fingers and fly into nothingness.

It's now or never. Dear Lord, have merci on me. Let me survive. Let me hold all the dreams in my hand and make them come  true. Let this Chrismast be my Christmast.

THE WORLD OF -ING

 Saying good bye to the heart of peace and love. Walking aimlessly to the unknown dessert. Loosing sanity in the wild  journey of  wisdom. Holding strong to the grip of reality. Welcoming the liars and the drama queen to the world of complexity.

IT'S RAINING

After a long long wait it rains again in the land of  Watcumecolit. I have been living there for more than 29 years. The last time that the rain touched my burning skin  was 10 years ago. The long draught has created such a disarrayment to the nature. The earth gradually turns shabby and scrubby. The biting reality has left a wrinkly face with deep fractures and scars. The heavily dusty earth has made the nature loose her beauty. Old and gruesome like a diabetic patient whose left feet has already been burried in the cemetery.

The trees  has not left a trace of leaves in them. At night, when the dryness eased its grip, the naked body and arms  stood like the bloodcurdling shadows, chasing the dreams of  tomorrow out of everyone's mind. The petrifying nights, although not better than the sickening daylight, up lifted the tense of life a bit. It offered a moment of fantasy that would turn life sour as the sun appears. The dream is no longer there. The draught turned even severe.

The rain is a blessing that no word can  describe. It falls into the lap of the universe and heals the wound of  the earth. The trees begin to dance again blissfully. The song of joy fills the air and alter the dusty face of the earth into a more than just the beauty of a miss peagant. It's an angel from heaven sent to shower  life with His blessings. A beauty and glory at the same time. The face begin to show its genuine truth. Her cheeks turn full as the red  apple that grow in summer. Her hair changes into an embroidery silky veils of a bride. It dances gracefully with the wind.

However, the bestowed blessings are not there forever. Draught will soon be back unnotified . So will the rain. The only thing we have is the experience. We learn how to survive during the draught and we learn how to preserve the wealth of the rain to keep us alive. Dryness is not there for  nothing. It enriches our appreciation of the blessings of  the rain.

THE THREE SURVIVORS

Death has flapped her wings again and took a lady away two  days ago. I know this lady. I saw her sleeping silently in the coffin. We might not say much words when you were still alive, but I honestly adore you. Death flew over  their house for the second time. Last year, she took the father. Hardly had their tears dried, when she took the mom.
Her little angel was there. I wonder what's  the meaning of death to the little angel. Is it a scarry word? or does it mean tears? It could have any meanings to her. I can not grab what's inside her mind. She's too little. I saw the lady's son standing right accross me next to the coffin. He stood there. His lips were tightly sealed. Was he trying to hide the sorrow, or had he run out of tears. My mind crawled into the past. The face of her eldest daughter whom I often watch closely came into my view. Just  the three of them in the wild hand of reality.
Reality will push them to grow up beyond their age. After the funeral tomorrow, a big question will hang over the sky. Who's going to be in  charge of them? Hopefully the sun will be there to lighten up their days. Should it be the cloudy sky, face it with courage for the naked reality is there. Whether you like it or not you have to face the battle.   Let me call you the survivors, for you will definitely survive.  My prayers are with you.

THE JOURNEY

I know you feel battered. I know you feel drown in a deep sorrow. But I also know that you have learned a lot about life. The lessons that I have never ever given you. The lessons that you explore on you own in the journey of loneliness. There were crowds of people around, but they are not your crowd. You thought they were yours and that was good. Because you felt that you were not alone in  the beginning. As the sun moves higher and the life is getting hotter and dry, those whom you thought were your crowd slowly melt away. The loneliness is biting you now. The feeling of being neglected and ignored.

I admit that I have never let you go through those journeys. I knew that they were going to hurt you. I made the journey tougher and harder for you, because I had never prepared you to go through it. God always knows what's best. I did not do my part. He made you go through it His way. You have learned it the hardway, yet that's the best way.

I know, one day,when my time arrives you are more than  ready to take over my place and yet be your own person. To watch over your sister, brother and Pa. It won't be easy though, but it is another battle to tame. Life is not free of battles and those battles make your life meaningful and create the real person in you.

I heard the wind outside. Let me blow my prayer to where ever you are now. God doesn't recognize boundaries. In the office, in the meeting or any place that you name, He  brings the blessings to your life, right onto your lap. Grab it for we never know what's coming tomorrow.

FAMILY

Family has a special meaning to  everyone. They are the closest person in life. I am not an  exception. I love my family. I could not describe a typical relationships that occured among Ma, my sisters, my brother and me. I could not mention Pa, for he had run away from being a father to us. Pa is a word that bears no meaning  to me. Once or twice, I did wonder how it felt to have a father. But I'm used to it so it vanished into the thin air as life goes on. Ma has always been there for me. I remember riding in a becak when I was only 7 years. I sat on her  lap and listened to her heartbeat. Her pendant was glittering and glimmering as the becak rode accross the darkness of  the night. Why it sticks in my mind, I can  not explain. The most probable reason was her heartbeat.

As I grew up I felt that family was my elder sister, ma and me. We grew up together. We had fights for stupid reasons, the fights that bound us together. I pretended that I was older, because I knew she took me whoever and whatever I am. She loved me more than she loved herself. Her death was the greatest lost I have ever had. I remember  the moment when she held me in my arms and waited for mom at the place where they put her off from office bus. Mom  brought us a banana and we shared them together. As always my part was bigger than hers. I was not hungry, it happened because she let it happen. It was not the banana but it was the  feeling that she put me first rather than herself. (If you read this sis, I want to thank you for all the things that words can not describe).

My brother and my eldest sister were ways older than us. They had their own life and peers. They did not spend much time with us. There were times,  I asked myself how I felt for them. I could not describe the  feelings. I was like facing an  empty mirror in  which my reflection was not there. I could not describe what I saw, because I saw nothing.  Have I not shared some moments with them? I do and I did.
As I grew up my elder  sister brought me closer  to my brother. We spent a couple  of holidays together. I still remember the moment when my brother looked at both of us closely and deeply. He  suddenly spurred some words that hooked the fish in my heart. "I felt like a dream to have you  both here with me. I'm so happy. The words were so sincere but the look was more than everything.

I have my own family now. I have lost my elder sister. No more week end phone calls. No more nights where she cried in pains, no more complains, btw, both of us love to complain. I have only ma staying with me. She stays with me forever, from the day I was born until today. Let me call it forever, for if something happens to any of us, we have had shared our moments forever.

DREAM OF THE GOOD THINGS

 Do not let anyone make you feel  that you are a bad person. It will brainwash you and penetrate deep into your mind and affect not only your belief  but your actions as well. Everyperson has their  own  good sides, try to look at it with your own  perspective. Let me help you to trace them:

Remember the moments when you take care of your sister and brother. They are the most beautiful moments. A golden moments if I may say. Remember your little brother how he feels so attached to you? A child feels, they do not  think for  they are  still a child. So invest on your kind heart to others, for they are your asset.

Bailing out your friends are also the best values that you possess. You take care of your friends no matter how much they make you suffer. You stay loyal to your friends. The case when you bail out your friend from a prison....I really hate it...yet on  the  other side, I am so proud of you. You know what loyal means and most of all you know how to love a person wholeheartedly.  

How I remember the girl and  lady who show so much affections to others, to grandma, to grandpa, and relatives. A phone call from your cousins and there goes your money. You protect them, you help them.  They are all good values that no one I could compare with.

So do not worry too much. You are a good person. All that you need to do is directing the good values into the right direction. Some people do not deserve to be treated good and you are not to blame for that.

Before I end this piece, let  me tell you how sorry I am  for not being able to be there to support you. Looking at it from  the positive side, maybe He wants you to stand on your own two feet to face it and take a wise decision for your own good sake. I will always be there for you be it physically or through my prayers and supports. Just remember one  thing, you are a good person and  firmly believe in it. Remember about the dreams that I told you.... build your own dreams....dont let anyone build them  for you. It has  to be your dreams.

 

 

 

FIFTY SIX

I am fifty six today. I was fifty five yesterday. Fifty five brought  new perspectives about life and children to  me. The things that has been  inhabited my cognition has slowly been translated into  my action. Sometimes I wonder if it is to late for me to make changes. But then I realize, late is an expression created to fill the gap of the opposite of early. Just do and believe that wonderful things will happen. As long as you do "positive" things, His blessings will always be part of it.

I feel a bit awkward when my husband and children woke me up at 12.00. I have never been treated like this before. Ooops I did, once, last year. Thanks to my daughters who bring a new meaning to birthdays. I had learned to accept birthday as a "not-important-day". Simply because I had not been treated that way, I changed my definition  of birthday. It was immature of me. I was like a looser who lost the battle of life and surrendered. Thanks to my lovely children who now are more my gurus rather than  the other way round. They are their own person and will soon become the pattern or  model that others would copy or go against. Hopefully they are ready for this battle.

I love my children. The love that has gradually changed. I started with an  aim to craft and possess children into  the model that I learn from books. I later on  realize, they are my dreams, but my children have their own  dreams. I could not be what I dream of, how can I turn them into my dreams.  I begin to learn to let them follow their own dreams. I am here, ready to be your partner to discuss dreams. Dreams can be good but dreams can also be dangerous. Dream the dreams of your own, dont let other people put their dreams into your head.

 

AUTOMATED TELLER MACHINE

I have been using the services of Automated Teller Machine or ATM for sometimes. It is an electronic banking outlet, which assists me to complete  my transactions. However I have never put another thought on it. I draw my cash or pay my transactions and that's it. Even if I pass ATM I dont even put a special notice on it.

It changed one night after I had had a dream. An exremely weird dream. In my dream I am not me. I am an ATM. Many people came to use my services. Sometimes the queu of people are very long. I have to make sure that I can be of full service to all those people. The money has to  be there, always. A man and a beautiful girl kicked me because I ran out of money. There were also  another occasions in  which they totally ignored me because of the same reason. Deep down in my heart I was hoping they would help me and call my head office to report that I'm out of cash. But that was my hope and my hope are not the customers'.
During my dream, I asked my customers what do they need all those money for? I did not get a response, they did not even notice my question. Then I realize, I am just an ATM, I dont deserve an explanation. All I have to do is provide services to those who need cash and make sure I dont fail to do so.

That dream ended that night. I woke up from my dream and could  not help myself from thinking about it. The dream stopped but the thoughts are alive, even up to the moments of writing this story. I just wonder how my customers could survive if they are not allowed to use my services. They will probably go straight to the bank to draw cash or they go to another ATM. Again, it is only my thoughts, my thoughts are not theirs.

 

TEACHERS AND TEACHING

The teaching sessions to prepare teachers for the billingual program will be over  this week end. The lessons that I learnt from the program are enormous. I found blank spots here and there. Some of them are as follows:

1. Goals. The adopted approach is based on taxonomy Bloom. Most are familiar with it, but then implementing it into the teaching process is another issue. Some do not understand the difference among, cognitive, affective and psychomotoric. In spite of the so many critics conveyed to the approach, one can always make adjustments here, there and everywhere. How can you make adjustments when you dont even understand the concept. How can you define your goals? Most goals are either cognitive or psychomotoric. Affection has no place, while affection has a huge impact on cognitive and psychomotoric goals.

2. Lesson plan. Most teachers are confused about the difference between lesson planning and curriculum. Being confused does not lead them to find the answers, but they stay drawning in the wave of confusion.  I wonder if teachers feel the urge to make a lesson plan before teaching.

3. Creativity. I dont blame teachers for lacking of creativity. They are also the victims of the negative pictures of rationality. I always remind them about the generation who can  draw two mountains and the sun in  between. They are the product of this generation, including me. It has been there and it is not easy to combat  them. Creativity had always been a sin. If you go out of the set standards, you are wrong. This phenomena are everywhere in all areas of life, including education. So teachers follow the standards.

4. Teaching methodology. Most teachers love to hear their own voice. So they spend most of  the teaching session talking. The students listen and try to memorize, yes memorize, the words. Participation which  is the main door to understanding is totally closed and locked. It is a habit that has been inherited from  the past and remain  alive until today. It is not easy to ask teachers to open the door and provide room for the students to contribute their experience. Teachers still have the believe that they know more than the students. Believe it or not, students actually know a lot more  for they are the generation who has access to Mr. Google and know how to manipulate it.

5. Teachers complain of being the second class citizenship. My comment: who can make you the first class citizens unless you do it yourself?

6. Schools are owned either by the Government or by Foundations.  I wonder if the Government and those who are  in charge of the foundations do really understand what educations are. Stop regulating until you really know what educations are.

My project will be over soon. I really look forward to cooperate with teachers to improve together.