BROTHER

We received two other sad news a couple of days ago...right before Christmas. I texted my brother right away, informing him the sad news. He did not respond. I tried to believe that he had not read my message, although I knew he did. After a couple of days, I tried to call him...he did not pick it up. I tried again...and again...still nobody responded to my calls. I felt so sad, because there were only the two of us left. Yet, I had to appreciate his choice for not communicating with me...for no reason. 

I remember a couple of years ago. When our mom was sick. I wanted him to call mom. He did not do it. Mom had been sick for almost a year. She lost her weight until she turned as skinny as a beanpole. He did not care. I wonder if he remembers what my mom had done for him and turned him into what he is today. 

I pushed him to call mom on her last moments. He finally talked to mom. It did not take long for mom to take her last breath.

Those moments came across my mind like movie scenes. They brought my sanity back and I told myself, if he could do it to ma, he would do it to me. So take it...do not try to understand, just carry it. 

If you have a chance to read...read my message below:

 

RECOVERY

I am amazed myself to realize that I have been doing my diabetes recovery program for 7 days. I am not allowed to consume any product from plants, be it veggies or fruit. So the only consumable food for me is protein. However, this process is also combined with the ability to do intermittent fasting. Prior to fasting I consume 6 eggs and fish. On the second day I ate fish,yes only fish. Then I have to fast and for my case I have to do 24 hours fasting.  Then I started consuming eggs and fast for 24 hours. I break my fast at 12.00 and eat eggs.... There are times when I add Kefir Milk and advocado... but that happened only once. Today... I dont even feel hungry...despite the facts that I eat only two eggs and a glass of kefir milk. When I say it's all about me, yes....it's my suffering from consuming medications for years, it's my suffering from fasting and consuming  eggs that lately has almost made me throw up. In the end it is also me who benefit from it. I will continue this journey for another 3 weeks. 

TIRED MODE ON

 I'M SO SO SO TIRED...

IT'S ANOTHER DAWN

 When I first started my new life I believed that life was going to be good. Just like the rainbow that emerges after the rain. That was my belief. So I began the little steps leading me to a place where the rainbow is expected to come into view. 

The journey was not effortless. Sometimes  the roads that I travelled were amusing,  but some other time I had to be confronted by challenges.  When life is fun I enjoyed it and believe that the rainbow is in the adjoining space.  But When I am absorbed by the gravitational power and sunk into the bottomless well  I question my belief and ask if  my destiny to discover the rainbow is valid.  

The pictures of my past came into view. My mom the one that had always stood by my side brought so many alluring magic. I saw her as the lady with the magic wand who touched the roads that I had to travel and turned my journey to a peace of mind. I could never get rid of the beautiful thoughts that she had brought into my life. Her partner however was the pain that I had to encounter. I put them both in each of my hand. Try to weigh the justice that came  into my life, then I realize that I had more than I could ever ask. 

My children were sitting in the row next to my mom. The bliss was beyond words. When they were little, I could not help missing them not even for a single second. They have brought so many sunshine and made me dance through all the moments. I have to admit that there were cases in which they brought me down. But, my love for them is  vast and tremendous and I hardly see the impact in a longer perspective. But my companion was so insignificant that make me walk on the trails aimlessly. I expect to see his hands to lift me up when I fall, but all I get is a trial and nasty judgements. So I have long decided to walk on my own path to the rainbow with the three pairs of hands clinging on me. When I looked at this picture I realized that God's work is so real in my life. I am blessed.  

Is the rainbow real? I believe it is real. I only have to spot it. I expect to have a rainbow at the end of my journey and forgot the fact that I have encountered so many rainblows in my life. Rainbow always pops up after the rain and they do after each rain.  The dawn is breaking over the horizon, the rain will soon fall. I need to take a little sleep before it withers and give its way to the rainbow.  Wake me up when the dawn is over. 

MENJEMPUT KEBAHAGIAAN

 Harum sabun cap tangan di baju hasil jahitan tangan mama sesekali menyeruak ke udara. Rambut basah yang kadang masih meneteskan air rapih tersisir. Kami melompati papan-papan yang dijadikan ambalan rel kereta api dengan cekatan. Setiap jengkal rel melekat erat dengan perjalanan kami. Rel kereta ini yang setiap sore mengantar kami menjemput kebahagiaan.

Setiba di jalan raya kami berdiri di tepi jalan di seberang Masjid terbesar. Pada saat itu hiruk pikuk lalu lintas sore tidak sekejam sekarang. Dua pasang mata kami  menyisiri lalu lalang kendaraan mencari kebahagiaan yang menjelang. Ketidaksabaran menggelegak dalam penantian. Ketika kendaraan yang dinantikan tiba, kami sigap melangkah  dan  mengambil posisi terdekat di pintu kendaraan.

Sosok Mama muncul dari dalam kendaraan. Dengan sigap kami merebut tas yang berada di tangannya. Acapkali kepala kami saling berantukan ketika akan menggapai kebahagiaan di dalam tas. Siapapun yang terlebih dahulu menjangkau kebahagiaan tersebut dengan segera menariknya keluar. 

Kami berjalan menggenggam erat kebahagiaan di satu tangan dan lengan mama di tangan lainnya. Kami berjalan melewati jalur berputar yang lebih berjarak. Perjalanan tersebut terasa sangat singkat karena ada banyak cerita yang terus dihamburkan. Cerita yang semakin berdesakan di bibir setiba kami di rumah. Gurat lelah yang tergores di wajah Mama dan sisa-sisa bulir-bulir peluh di keningnya tidak dapat menghentikan cerita yang terus diriwayatkan.  Hingga gelap yang menjelang menjadi tanda bahwa cerita harus berakhir. Mama beranjak untuk membersihkan diri dan beristirahat di pembaringan. Kami tergolek di sisinya menatap langit-langit kamar...diam tanpa kata hingga kantuk menjemput. 

Kebahagiaan  tergolek tak tersentuh di meja dapur.  Serangga malam siap-siap berpesta di atas kebahagiaan. Entah mengapa kebahagiaan yang berwujud sepotong kue atau buah tangan itu kami tinggalkan. Mungkin kebahagiaan memang tidak harus berwujud.

Selamat hari Ibu untuk Mama yang selalu ada meskipun telah tiada.

TO A DEAR FRIEND

 The wedding is drawing near…

the bride groom will soon appear

Do not ponder your mind with a proposition 

beyond your ability to make decision

 

Dress your heart for the captivating moments

Adorn your crown with shimmering diamonds

Wear the elongated lace and walk with grace

As you are on the far side of words can praise

 

We have the privilege of enjoying the many seasons

Yet,  the very same season will never repeat its course

You have sown all the love seeds in spring

The wedding will be the summer of your life

 

Hope will dwell in your world of tomorrow

You will lead a life with no sorrow

Silence filled with peace and no regret

For you have done so much with your heart

UNNAMED

 

To The north wind

To The greeneries

And to the dancing birds

I am resentments

 

too many questions

too little answers

loss  of essence

i am meaningless

 

the honours

the praises

the cheers

they are not me…

 

nothingness

a total blank

a bottomless well

i am

 

DOGS

 I used to have dogs when I was a little girl. I did not pay too much attention to the dog. I treated them like a dog as most people would do. There was no bond of love between our dog and I. My mom was probably the only  person who had a special bond with our dogs. I remember the names, Bianco, Argo, Whiskey and so many others. 

Then I got married. My husband does not like dogs. My children are dying to have dogs, but my husband wouldn't let them to have it. We had a dog once. After more than a year, the dog played outside and we have never seen him again. 

My son is so so special. His love for dogs is obvious. So are my other two girls. On his birthday, I decided to give him a puppy as a present. I had argued a lot with my husbands and finally he decided to let me do it. I bought the dog from a breeder. It was quite an expensive dog. We provide special food for him. 

One day we went to a pet shop to get dog food. The shop assistant offered us to adopt a dog. I saw the dog and fell in love. I was torn in between. I knew that my husband would be against it. My heart melted and I couldnt get the dog's picture out of my mind. So I had another tough argument with my husband. Finally he agreed to have another dog around the house. Another thing, our previous dog, which we called Kenzo, was such an adorable dog and my husband fell in love with him. 

We named our new dog Lola. Her real name was Lala. We changed her name because one of my hephew's name is Lala. Lola's conditions were beyond words. Her hair had grown too long and her odour had been unbearable. Lola is a wonderful dog and she has won our heart with her kindness. She looks happy. 

After having Lola for a year, my daughter received a text from a person who used to be a neighbour of Lola's owner. That person got my daughter's numbers from the pet shop assistant. He told my daughter that Lola is lucky to be with us. Lola had been more a stranded dog, neglected by the owner. The owner found the dog in another city about 12 hours of driving and kept Lola in a small bag throughout the journey. Living with the new owner did not change Lola's life. Lola collected food from the garbage and was sometimes locked for days in a room without food. The owner wanted to eliminate Lola, but that man took Lola away and left her in the pet shop. Lola was not the only dog. There was another dog called Brizzi who was also treated as bad as Lola. Brizzi died after he was adopted. 

Sometimes people put too many expectations from a dog. They dress and make them act like human. In the beginning my children want to train our dog to be like a human being. They stopped. I just wonder how would it feel if you are expected to run around the house with your arms and legs like all the dogs do. It's not you....dogs are dogs.... let them be a dog. 

LOGIC

"After following the webinar about assessment we believe that we can't prevent students from cheating. For that reason, we are not going to divide the exam into three parts. It is time consuming and tiring. What we are going to do is distribute the problems and ask students to work on it for 2.5 hours instead of 3 hours."

"Considering the assumptions that we cant prevent students from cheating, why do we have to cut the time?"

"To prevent them from cheating!". 

(Oh...help me make it through the day)

IMAGINATION

Like many other little girls, my life was filled and influenced by fairy tales. The one that has been implanted deeply into my mind and my heart are fairies. I always imagine that fairies live in  bell-shaped flowers. Eversince that time my preference toward flowers are directed to bell-shaped flowers. 

As I grow old, it remains there. Most of the flowers in my backyard are bell-shaped flowers. I could sit for hours in my garden admiring the flowers. I am captivated by the flowers and feel at peace. My imagination runs wild, and I bought a lot of fairy statues figurines. I put them on my study and when I am tired of reading, I set my eyes fixed on them and my mind drift away to the fairy lands. 

My imagination went wild  and I began to unfold my dreams and materilize them into the shapes of the fairy lands. I cannot tell you how it it, but this I know, it is so relieving. Ever since that time when my mind is in a chaotic situation, I choose to be in my garden and dive into my land of imagination. 

I MISS YOU FOR NO REASON

My mind was wandering far away. It stopped in a spot where I keep my mother's picture. It is not like any ordinary picture, it is a picture that suddenly turns itself into a breathing story. She sat there in the sofa where she could be in charge of her small world. I passed her by and she watched me silently with no word spoken. I have never understood her silent language since I used my brain to interpret language. Not until lately did I began to think of it deeply. 

Missing her has made me redirect my thoughts to my heart. I miss her more than any words can say. I think of her with no reason. Love does not need any reason. Love is just a small piece of my heart. I think of her silent language. I thought of those eyes, they were hollow and empty. I have never given any attentions to those eyes. They were there in my mind but I had been ignoring it. I  began to decode the message. This time my heart took control of the process. I suddenly bursted out crying. For  my mother suffered from loneliness. It was like cancer that crushed her heart and gently consumed her bones. 

If only I had a chance to turn the clock back. I would have quit working, I would have stayed with you and spent our time together. I wanted to fill your empty and hollow eyes and turn them into the language of happiness and satisfaction. I love you ma and missing you more than words can explain. 

GOOD AFTERNOON GOD

Dining table is one of the few places where we all gather together to have lunch. We pray prior to having our lunch. My son always starts his prayer with a greeting. "Good afternoon God." His sisters gigle in silence while he continues the prayer. No better than his sisters I also felt that there was something wrong with his habit. But that was only in the beginning. 

I began to wonder why people are expected to pray in the way others do. Rituals are meant to add referential meaning to make canonical meaning intelligable. As long as the abstract meaning of a prayer is delivered be it through a different ritual, I do not see anything wrong with that. 

Eversince that time I let him pray in the way he is comfortable with. The message and the meaning are there, it is just the way he does it differs from others. 

DAUGHTER

Two daughters can be  myriad. There are times when they keep me busy all the time. They nag to buy new stuff and complain of not having this and that. But that occur when they were teenagers. As they grow older each has taken their own paths. The problems remain but I call them new problems.
One of them has always picked a person that gains my disapproval. Of course what I think of her partner is not important for I am not the one who is going to share my life with him. But I cannot help myself from being overloaded by her problems for she drags me into it. There was a time when that man has to pay for his irresponsible games and my daughter dragged me into it. The time when they broke up was a big relief for me. I thought my problem was over, but I was wrong.
She brought home a new friend from her work and claimed that he was just a friend. I dont care if he is married or single for they are just colleagues. As time goes by I notice a change. There are moments in which I caught them as more than just friends. This fact is provoking for I believe that is inappropriate. I cannot interfere with her life for she insists it was not as what I thought.  She quit her job, I think I know why,  and become financially dependent on me. She brought a lot of sorrows into me. I just wonder how she is going to lead her life when I cease to exist.
My other daughter has never been a problem to me. She took care of herself well. She has always been busy with her life and allow me to say that they all contribute to her success. She decides what to do and responsible for any actions she takes. I feel unfair to say I am happy with how she leads her life for it implies my unhappiness with my other daughter.
My daughter has never brought anyone home. There was a time when she took someone home but that was the only time. I have never seen that man again. She has best friends around her and are comfortable with them, but none of them looks special to me. I have no reason to complain for again this is her life.
I thank God for having both. I love them both, each occupies a different space in my heart.

FIXING

Tired of fixing things around. I'd rather be somewhere else to a place where I dont need to get in touch with all the mess.... Who doesn't? 

A DAY BEFORE THE D DAY

I spent days in the library. I woke up in the middle of the night and jumped out of my bed and held my books. I read for a while... and searched for an escape. did not understand what I have written, and I got frustrated. Dear God... are you there?

THURSDAY, THE 13TH

Thursday the 13th will be the day. May the Lord bless me with courage and clear mind as not to turn the day into Friday the 13th. Lord....

THE NEVERLAND: THE LAND OF ORGANIC CASHEW

I browsed through my blurted thoughts and landed in the year of 2006. The piece was about a land that I visited called Ile Padung. Ile means village and Padung is the name. Ile padung is the gateway to organic cashewnut. A place where ignorance is a bliss, a place that could melt one's heart. 

It was a long trip, almost 3 to 4 hours from Maumere. The winding roads covering the hill were excellent and we were entertained by the traditional houses and ways of life on both sides of the streets. Once a while a bus loaded with heavy luggage on the top, tried to pass our car. The dust filled the air, drifting slowly before they landed back on the roads and trees, leaving a dusty trails on the side of the roads. 

As we enter the village most of the land were covered by cashew trees. We were welcomed by the cashew fruits that dangled like christmast ornaments. Green when young but turns orangish as it grows ripe. The ripe ones were scattered all over the dried leaves underneath the trees. A group of cows were consuming the meat of the ripe cashew fruit beneath the shadow of the trees.

We went straight to a place where they assemble the cashew nuts called UPH (Unit Pengumpul Hasil). Pak Kris and Pak Gabriel, the informal leaders,  were there to welcome us. The UPH is a well managed compartment. Ripe cashew, the seed and the inedible hard shell is called gelondong. The gelondongs are placed on the dry hot sun on the cement for 4 days. The process of drying up the gelondongs occurs in other 4 parts of the village. The UPH is a place where all gelondongs are stockpiled and  the process of peeling the hard shell is done . The edible part of the nut covered by the thin skin is then dried again for another 1 or 2 hours under the sun to make the next phase not too demanding. The thin skin can now be easier peeled off. The raw cashew nut has now turned into the shape that we are familiar with. The final step, they need to be dried again for 15 minutes before they are ready to be packed in a vacuumed plastic wrap. 

The traditional way of growing cashews hinders their ability to export them. The process of drying up the cashews could not be done other way since at that time electricity had not been distributed to that part of the world. Another reason why exporting is hard to do because people fail to meet the required amount of cashews requested by the exporters. Whenever they are in heavy need of money which occur most of the time, they sell their gelondongs to middleman who are always waiting with their hungry mouth wide open.
The people who live in the village are warm hearted. Dark shiny skin exposed under the sun and curly hair are typical people who inhabits the village. They are by nature most polite with a great deal of outward humily and seem willing to agree to anything rather than upset strangers. Don't expect to get the truth out of their mouth merely because most people will only be trying to show good manners. They respect others especially strangers.  

I really wish I could go back to that place once again, the neverland where sweet organic cashew grows and people live

WOBBLY ME

Two weeks ago I was appointed as member of a commission in my church. I did not know what’s coming ahead, but I take it with a belief that any good deeds is never lost. Being in charge of communication and organization, my part is to coordinate the organization side. I have never had any experience with the church, although once in a while the synod asks me to give a hand on their strategic planning. But dealing with it at the grass root level is a different case.

One thing I am ready to swallow is the fact that they do not show full commitment. It is understandable because contributing time to church is listed as at the bottom of one’s priority list. There are many other priorities listed on the top of the list: work, family, friends and me are of course are on the top. So I’m trying to be ready for it.

Another reason is we belong to totally different groups of people. Adapting to their mind is quite a problem for me. I am not trying to say that I know better, but my experience in an organization had brought me far to understand strategic management. It is not easy to drag people to think from an activity level to a strategic level. You might end up in a delusional state where people make faces when they heard you talk of the strategic level. As with the later I have encountered people saying: be more practical!!!.  They expect to see the practical side rather than the strategic side, while in fact both are two sides of the same coin. The biggest problem that I have to encounter is the fact that most people live in the practical side and are used to doing it for so many years.

New things bring uncertainty in life.  It must be age that made me feel wobbly

CURFEW

Curfew is my best buddy.  Only the owl and silence dwell...
Keep the night younger... stay here longer

TOOTH FAIRY

Tooth fairy
come and visit me
It's not money
my tooth is my theme

Take your friends for me
spread hope in my heart
I dont need your money
Pull my teeth away

I dont need my teeth
I need my peace
Take all those symbols
Let me rest