LETTER TO GOD (2)

What do you mean by pain God? Still don't get your message clear! You promise that the temptations will always be bearable. Am I that strong. Please answer me!

ANNIVERSARY

I made stuffed grilled mashed potates. She ordered it the day before. She asked me: " how much are you gonna charge me?"

I said:" It's free!"

Then she responded merrily : "Thanks I consider it as the joy and happiness that you share with me for today is my wedding anniversary."

I put a smiling emoticon and said:" Well you got my message dont you? Happy Anniversary! May God always be with you and your entire family, lead a life full of blessing. My regards to your husband and kids, tell them I'm happy for them."

She thanked me sincerely and I quit off the conversation. My heart sunk deep into the wild ocean. My lips were sealed. I wanted to tell her that that day was also my anniversary, but things worked differently with me. My hubby was so far away in his own world. He has been in his own world for long and I was in the office earning my pennies. I didn't mind though for I have been leading this life for more than 12 years. It's just that my friends' happiness was bothering me. Her looking so much forward to celebrating made me feel small and jealousy occupied my heart. You might say I was romanticizing this life. I will say, I was. I tried to control my emotions with my ratio and yes it worked. I didnt tell anyone about it and tried very hard to pump it out from my heart. I didn't complain to anybody except for this frozen monitor in front of me.

At nite I went home and found my second daughter in her room. My other daughter wanted to go to Puncak with her friends. I was torn in between. I wanted to say, stay with mama. I need my children. Instead I told her that I used to spoon feed you with happiness but now it's your time to define your own happiness. If you wish to go just go. (hah.. I deserve a gold medal for this heroic action... hahahaha). My son, my precious, he's in grandpa's place. He needs friends. I starred at my monitor and hoped she would say I would stay. She didn't, so I told her to be careful. I went to my room and the maid followed me into my room. She wanted to do late night groceries shopping . My husband was still somewhere out there and he would pick her in the traditional market later on. I sat again in front of the monitors. I held my phones in my hand. I was hoping that God in heaven would greet me and said: Happy Anniversary! Sounds emotional, like I said I was being emotional. Yes and what is so wrong with that? I had every right to be dominated by my emotions.

Happy anniversary my hubby. We had been married for 26 years. We had passed the critical time and we sunk into the most unbearable time of our marriage. Find your freedom... I will let you go....I'm tired of everything. I entered my frozen escapades. A bubble I created myself to ease my pain.

LETTER TO GOD (1)

Dear God,

Can you help me see things from your perspecitve instead of mine?

Amen.

THE FINAL MOMENTS

I began to feel the fear, the angst of what's coming. I have to take into my consideration that today will probably my last day. I hate this feeling, but it's there and I cant escape from it. I begin to adjust myself, to see everything from a distance. To perceive me from a diffent perspective than the I perspective. The strange me from the perspective of I.

The nature speaks the language of the final. Careerwise I'm almost done. Although I wont give up and never will. I plan to build another cycle of life. In the beginning I was very much enthousiatic about it. But lately I have been asking myself, is this what I really want, or is this just a self defense mechanism. Resistance resides in the beginning phase of change. Should it be part of the natural phenomena then it wont last long. It will diminish gradually swipe by the waves of change.

The family life speaks the language of the final. Except for my son, the family life seems to lead their own rythm. I'm outside of it. Maybe I am the one who remains inside of the rythm, but the rest change, they choose their own rythm. I try to grab what's left. My second daughter and my son. Deep down I know that I can only keep my son. For the rest I exist because of the pennies that I earn. Without it they will never treat me well. I have lost the best part in life, my sister. The one that I can trust, the one that really cares for me. I could compare our sisterhood with my mother daughter relationship. My mom has given me the best. God took my sister and trust me you have had the best part of life and you stopped right at the moment when they were about to vanish.

I scribbled down again my resolution for the year 2012. The unknown future that lies beyond my horizon.

2011 and 2012

Christmast has just passed. New Year is coming. What have I done throughout the year of 2011 and what I am gonna do in the year of 2012? 2011 will soon be over and I will call it the past. The past is not there for nothing, but the past is an experiential learning. A journey through the time and space. Unique and has its own story to tell.
I might say that 2011 have taught me a real painful lesson. This year I learn the hard fact of reality, I am a diabetic patient. Within the last 3 months I have been consuming diabetic pills. In the beginning I cant believe that this could happen to me, but as time goes by I began to get used to it and try my best to live with it. The next question that come across my mind is: How long do you give me time to live God?
The next curse that knock at my door is the fact that I have to release those people that I love to lead their own life and ways. Loneliness began to bite my skin. No more family time and I have only my son to look after. I try to adjust myself to this reality, not easy but then I have to face it. My mother is probably the best mirror of the future. I might end up my life like here, sitting on the sofa waiting for people to pay attention to me and spend their precious time to talk to me. Yeah... it's scary but I will soon land in that part of life.
I get transformed from the job that have always been my passion into a strange world that doesnt even cross my mind to touch. Imagine, from an extreme people oriented job into an extreme system oriented job. Worst of all, I dont have the right to say what I think of it, I didnt even get a response when I wanted to find out the purpose. Again I have to place a very huge excuse into my heart and brain as not to hurt myself more.
Another battle that luckily ended up like a fairy tale is my son (allow me to say end for I dont have the capacity to think more than just today). The sentenced was announced by the doctor that he suffers from ADD. But he'll grow out of it.... I know that God would never let me carry things that are too heavy for me.
Above all the sad things that happen to my life, God gave me sweets in between. Christmast which had lately been unbearable began to appear with a friendly face. It was not my typical childhood christmast but it made me happy. I gathered with my big family and felt the spirit of christmast running in my vein before it finally stays there in my heart. Thanks God....for the happy moment.
In response to all these things, I wrote down my resolution for 2012. I am going to set up my own business. Small in the beginning but very much altruistic. In the end of 2012, my product will be in the market.

DESSERT OF FORLORN

Lately, I felt like wandering alone in a dessert of the forlorn.

PASSWORD

One of the most frequent use security system is password. Everytime you log on to the system you need to provide your password. Once you did it, the system is open and we are inside or part of the system.

Lately I have been thinking about family life. I was wondering what make the family system turn fragile. Is fragility part of the rythm of a dynamic system or is it part of the threat that has access to the system. I believe both work, fragility due to the threat is a manifestation of a dynamic system. I then arrived to the conclusion that you can not escape from the dynamic rythm. Follow them but then you have to lead the process, you dont just follow and be led by it, but you have to lead.

How do I lead? If the stone get drilled by the drop of water, I need to find the drop of water that drilled the frozen heart. The only thing that could do this is the power of love. Love manifested itself in various forms. As to my case I decided to use a passwrod. I might be good in arriving to a conclusion and formulating the solution but Im terriblly bad at implementing it. So that password are just password that remains in the corner of my mind, occupying a space I called the secret hiding place.

I wrote it down here in this blog, and I wrote it down in my secret password. I sang the lullaby of love to you in my heart every night. I think of you when I swallow any food and wondering if I can save a bite or two. I let my finger chant the love song and gently touch your picture with it. They are all voiceless but they are all genuine. They are my love to you. My password to bind the family, the bond that has been torn apart. The song that remains unheard, for your ears, your eyes, your brain and your heart are all occupied by that bastard. I pray to you Lord, to use your love to solve my love, to save my family.

PROGRESS

My son is making a tremendous progress. His cognition, affection as well as psychomotoric progresses are amazing. Within this one week, he's been doing his homework on his own. I encourage him to do it regularly so that it becomes a habit. He is more independent now.

He gets better grades in all areas. Arithmatic, language, phonic are progressing. Chinese is a bit behind yet he is showing progress. I bought him a bike last week and he's very happy. He can play with his bike after he's done with his homework.

My next step is to encourage him to study tomorow's lesson independently. If you can pass this one, we are almost done for the rest depends on you.

ps. happy birthday to my long lost child. Hope God protect you and be with you always.

FOOT BALL

Lately my son is so much addicted to football. He plays football e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y with his school mates at the school yard. This news is good news to me. But then there is always the bad news that goes along with the good news.

Lately he has problem with keeping himself awake when it's time for him to study. In the beginning I thought it was more driven by his laziness. In the second place, I thought he was too tired because he has to spend so many hours for his extra lessons after school. But then if I traced the past, he had never had this problem before. So what is it then???

As a short cut solution, I let him sleep till ten o clock, woke him up and studied until 12 midnight before he went back to sleep. There were times I had been too tired to stay awake, so I let him sleep till 4 am before he had to sit with me and study. However, this doesnt seem to last for my body began to ache.

As I was striving to find a way out, I then realized that I was trying to give respond to an unknown question. Was it really the hectic schedule or was it because he's lazy? Suddenly I remember all those stories about playing football after school hours. The story of desperate drivers and nannies who have to strive very hard to drag the children home. The stories of the change in his eating habit, the story of extra shirt to school and so many other stories that goes around foot ball.

Aha.. this is the bottom line of the story. Now I know that football is the main cause why he could hardly stay awake to study. Knowing the problem doesnt mean it's easier to find the way out. I dont know how to find a solution for this situation. My son loves football and period. Btw, my husband is a football player and that explains.

PATIENCE

Patience where are you? In the office, at home and even inside of me, I was trying to locate patience. It's nowhere to be found. I am packed with so many unsettled matters and that make me end up with nothing to settle.

Throughout the entire week end, I did not go anywhere but focusing myself on the entire progress of my son. Still, we don't have enough time to do all the things. He's got 2 homework from school, lots of homework from his math class, homework from his mandarin teacher and a pile of notes to be transferred into his note books.

He's been working on part of his notes since Saturday and started to work on part of his homework. This is Sunday, he started to work from morning till afternoon. Then he began to worked on them and had not even finished until this hour. I know that my son is having problems with focusing but then I believe that there is something wrong with this educational system. A child of 7 with that much homework? It doesn't guarantee that you will create genius out of them and most of all you are creating nothing but an unhappy child tortured by schoolwork.

THE GOOD NEWS AND THE BAD NEWS

It was Saturday. It was time to see the doctor for the latest result of the medication. I left my house with a pessimistic view. My son is not doing any progress. In fact it's getting a bit worse. I didn't do any efforts to check my cellphones for this is week end.

I arrived at the doctor just in time. We dont have to wait long before the doctor invited us to get in. I knew the typical questions that he was going to ask, but I was in such a doubt to tell the truth, affraid of him prescribing a higher dossage for my son. So when he bombarded me with questions, I responded with lots of uncertainty. He asked me if the teacher is seeing any progress in my son. I said I dont know for I had not been communicating with the teacher. He asked me how my son was with his sisters. I said he still is the same, teasing his sister around. He didn't seem satisfy with my responses, so he asked me to go out of the room for he wanted to check the progress himself.

While sitting outside, I tried to contact my son's teacher. As expected, she complained a lot. I told her how sorry I am and make promises that I'm not sure I can keep. As the doctor asked me to come into his room, he showed me the result of his observation. My son is making progress. I then told him my conversation with the teacher. He retorted sharply, I didnt promise to make your child a genius, but I can help to  him focus. As with his lessons, you have to deal with it yourself. The medication that I prescribed is not meant to make them make the quizzes correctly.  Let's give him another two weeks to go before we decide what to do with the medication!

We went out of town on the same day. I took all his books, over reaction things as always. At night, we sat together on the dining table as the cool temperature rushed in through the windows. My son would have a quiz on phonics and he had to study more than 50 pages. I was surprised, for he could manage to do it quickly and happily. He focused and burried his face deeply into his books. Before dinner, he managed to finish almost half. My enthousiasm is augmenting. Thanks God for helping me out!

As I sat in front of the television I took my cell phone and saw a message from my son's teacher. She wanted me to come over to school on Monday. I know what it means and my heart sank deep into the ocean of uncertainty. As with my son, merrier and he's happy and handles his lessons better.

 

WINTER

 

I went out to the garden of my yard

to explore yesterday and the past

I saw the white lilies bend down in despair

and the red roses turning pale in the air

Winter is about to appear with an arrow

Threatening autumn to bow

His claws have shaken all my desire

and deactivate in me all the fire

The sound of children laughter

touch my heart and pleasure

Tapping me lightly on my shoulder

reminding me of my treasure

Winter will soon take the time over

I have to light up the fire

bring back alive the children desire

and keep the promise of summer

My children will have to tell the tale

of conquering cold during the battle

and won the trophy of God

for we have faced it with bold

AUTUMN

Life is like the four seasoned weather. I used to know spring, and I have passed summer. Currently I'm facing autumn. The time when all the leaves turned yellow and brown, the time when all the leaves fall and slowly, gradually sucked by the earth.

These last days everything seems to be out of place. My son's program, my work, my daughter and my husband. The universe seems to be against my plan. I got transfered to another department. I used to be in this department, but then I had been in a different division. So, this is totally new to me. The reason why I got transfered is the biggest composed lie I have ever heard. But deep down I know why and so do everybody in the organization.

I had been busy to start my own business. I learn from an expert and that takes most of my time. Working on your own consume lots of energy. But then freedom is there. You are not judged based on your race nor are you judged based on your faith. You work with your brain and hands, not with your lips. I cant wait for my retirement so that I can focus on my own business and family.

My eldest, she's away in the land of her own. She is no where. She has to lead her own life, I dont want to bother her. I let her grow and be her own person. A bird told me that she has a job, which is good. Hopefully she remembers that her education is an investment to her future. Everything that's instant doesnt offer the best result. I have chanted the song in her ears ever since she was a baby, but it seemed that I had chanted too much. She chose her own way, life and friends. So be it. Sooner or later I have to let her go.

My second daughter, she's doing well. But need to be motivated or else she lost her focus. To be honest, there is no other kids of mine that could be compared to her. She helps me a lot by being independent. I dont have to spend too much energy on her and things work like magic. Thank you Lord, and thanks to you my love.

My son, all that I wrote is mostly about my son and my eldest daughter. I dont need to say much about him. I just feel a bit uneasy, for these last days I am too occupied with my work and business and left him behind with his program. Nobody took care of it. Previously my eldest used to help me, but now that she's gone, I have to take care everything on my own. I had a big fight with my husband about being in charge of the family.

My dessertation has also been neglected. I felt so guilty for not being able to cope with it on time. I began to scribble down again these last couple of days, and I'm doing quite an improvement. It's not that hard, I mean the chapter that I'm working on, but somehow, the me inside is not cooperating well with the external parts.

What need to be done? I have to go on with my business. For they will be my future. I will take sewing class on Saturday to equip myself with the ability to run the business. I will work on my dessertation, and I will definitely work on my son's program, encourage my daughter to move on and deep down inside I still miss my daughter and I could never forget her in any ways.

THE REALITY

It's been a week since the doctor increase the dossage for my son. I dont see any progress. The literature said that it takes at least 6 months to see the effectivity. The doctor told me that it took only two weeks to see the medication work.

I know if I tell the doctor that the medication doesnt show any impact, he will increase the dossage again. This is what im scared of, for the medication will have a hallucinative impact on my son. I watch my son on a day to day basis: he still tries to be in the opposite direction to my words. He would do it my way but then he had to rebel against me. He still played trick on his sister and that made them fight. He still have difficulties to focus and need to be assisted all the time, or else he wouldnt be able to finish his school work.

I dont know whether I should tell the doctor the truth or take my own decision and lie so that the medication will show its effectivity after six month? Lots of questions with no definite answer.

WHAT'S BEST ?

If you ask me what's best for my children? I might give you a weird look, for every parents directs all their efforts to give the best. On a second thought, I can not agree more for the question entails another question, who defines the meaning of best? Is it me or is it my children?

In one of the discussion I happened to get acquaintened with the concept of dwelling. A comfort zone similar to a home. A place where egology dwell. A place where we invite others to come inside and define them based on our categorization. The reality is a totality, the reality is similar for my spectacles are utilized to see and interpret things. They all occur under the name of having a good intention to others. I dont have the intention to dominate, yet I dominate. I subjectivate others with my spectacles.

The other is not less than me in every ways. They deserve a space in which they can express their faces. Through their faces, I make my acquintances with them and at the same time I appreciate God for they are the unique and infinite creation of God. I worship God through the face of the other and I have lost my right to kill the other for it has never been my right in the first place. God creates and God knows what to do with them. I am oblige to give them room to express their uniqueness and get to know them from their own dimension and perspective.

Children are no less different. I have learned a very good lesson these last couple of weeks. They are not mine and they want to be appreciate as what they are, through their own face and perspective. If their perspective is not good enough to me, then it's my problem. As with them they will learn what's best when they stumble against the stones of life. What they learn might not be the same as what I have learned.

Lord, let me open my mind and raise my child based on what's best in his view, not in my view.

IT FAILED TO WORK

Yesterday was Saturday. It's been two weeks since I last took my son to the doctor. So, I took my son again to the doctor yesterday. The main target of the visit was to find out if the given medication had worked.

As the doctor invited us to get inside his room, he asked me about my son's progress. I had asked my helper at home how my son behaved during the two week in which he was under the medication. She told me that he was doing better. As with me, I had not seen any significant progress. The progress that he gained so far was basically based on my program and had been on even before the medication was prescribed.

The doctor assumed that the medication had no impact to my son. So he was trying to find the reason. He asked me if I had continuously given the medication. I told him that last Saturday was the only day that he missed the medication. He arrived to the conclusion that the dosage needed to be increased. I began to ask him questions about the impact of the medication for I understand that it will create hallucinations and increase the suicidal tendency. He told me that it is still safe for he would increase the dosage from 10 to 15. 20 is the most that my son could bear.

The medication doesn't work be it for the dosage or any other reasons. The answer has to wait for another two week time. Hopefully this time it works. But then there is another question that need to be answered. If it works, will my son be dependent on the medication for his entire life?

ANGELS ARE EVERYWHERE

My son tends to be disorganized. Today they lost their books, tomorow they lost their pencils and so on and on. My son is not an exception. He looses his school diary and makes us busy with making phone calls to know the agenda for tomorow, or he looses his coloring pencils, or books etc.

Last week he went straight from school to his chinese class nearby my mom's house. So I told him to take a nap at my mom's place. He was wearing his PE uniform when he went to school and by the time he got home he has changed into another shirt and pants. I didn't pay too much attention to all those nitty grity.

Yesterday he had to go on a field trip to the museum. He was supposed to wear his PE uniform but I couldn't find it no where. I forgot the fact that he wore it last week to my mom's place. We were all busy searching for his uniform when a text entered my cellphone:

"Good morning! My daughter told me that your son had lost his PE uniform. I happened to buy two pairs of them last year and still had one that I can spare. If you dont mind, I'd like to give it to your son."

I almost felt into tears when I read the text. Thank you Lord for sending me your angel. They are everywhere.

THE FIRST TERM

One term is over and that lasted for three months, commencing as of July to October. It's time for his report card. My daughter went to school to pick up my son's report card. I knew that things were not as good as we expected them to be for my daughter did not call me right away. I couldn't control my curiosity and called home."Things are not that good compared to the previous term! He got F for Chinese, he got A+ for music, with three Bs, 4Cs, and 7Ds."

As soon as I got home I traced his report card. He got 60 for Chinese which is F and Ds range from 65 to 74, Cs range from 75 t0 84, Bs from 85 to 93 and As from 94 to 100. My son is one level better than the lowest student in his class.

I do not pay that much attention to his grades but then the teacher does. For me his focus is the key to his success. Grade is just an indicator and it is important though not the most important part. He is below average with his grades, but he's progressing with the most important thing, his focus. Let's work it out together son.

TO WIN AND TO LOVE

Help my son. Ease his pain. Tell him that You love him God. He needs so much love that words can not explain. Why do people vote for those who need to win in a competition and why dont people vote forpeople who are in need of love ? Is winning more important than love?

...

Life has not been good within these last two days. Yesterday my son was supposed to take his first medication. It was not easy to find the medication prescribed by the new neurologist, but I managed to get it at Rumah Sakit Pondok Indah. The tablets has just been pusblished on the 2nd of October.

My son didn't want to swallow the medication no matter how hard you try to push him and no matter how persuasive you try to talk to him. The medication has to be taken in the morning. I did my best to persuade him and fail. My daughter helped me and we both failed. Finally my husband came and pushed him to swallow it. I almost fainted when I saw how he did it. Dear God, can't you help me with a better way of doing it?

My son got scars and bruises on his right chick. He has swollen fingers. and most of all he's so much hurt. The pain is nothing but the fact that his parents hurt him is more than the bruises. I went off the car and took my son. We both walked. I took him home and cuddled him. He told me that he didnt want to miss PE class. So I decided to take him back to school. I was late myself for work.

Lord, hurt me as much as you want to but dont hurt him. Put the cross on my shoulders and I won't complain but dont let my son carry the cross. He's only seven!

When I got home at 6.30, my son and I went into my bedroom and we studied arithmetic. He managed to finish one out of the two assignments within the time limit. I gave him a star. So far he's got almost 25 stars. Keep it up son, you need another 25 to get a bike.

DOUBT

I took my son to another doctor. This is the one that I got from Tempo. I went straight from the airport to the hospital which is located in the western part of Jakarta. I had waited for almost 30 minutes before my turn arrived. I went inside with my son and was quite amazed to find a gentleman in his forties, quite young, greeted me warmly. I told my son to go out of the room and poured out my problems. He seems to know all the doctors that I had been to. He then invited my son to come in and asked me to wait outside. This is where the problems begin. My son refused to be left alone inside the room. He insisted that I had to stay with him. The doctor began to judge me. He said:"Your parenting style is probably the reason." He's already seven and he's supposed to be independent. Does he always behave like this at school."

I responded and said:"I visited his school once in a month and most of those times he wouldnt let me go." Deep down in my heart I knew that my leaving him for a couple of days was the main reason why he didn't want to let me go. I tried to explain but the doctor did not take my excuses. He retorted rapidly, explaining the child development process: "A child has to be independent when he reached the age of 4. At this age, he's not supposed to have this kind attachment anymore. "

I am not in a good mood to explain so I let him rattle. I will prove that next time he will be independent. My child is in the process of stabilizing. I am not a doctor but I'm equipped with one thing which the doctor did not, a motherly instinct. There are times that he's independent but there are also times when he's insecure and stay attach to me. We all do!

The doctor gave him a series of toys and asked him ro arrange shapes by colors. In the meantime he videotaped my son. My son was focusing on the task but once in a while he turned his head around to see if I was still there. After he's done with the task, the doctor invited me to sit by his desk and asked my son to play in the corner of the room. He said bluntly:" Your son suffers from attention deficit disorder. And I need to prescribe some medication for him. There are two types of medication: the first one will impact his appetite and the second is a new medication and it is said that it doesn't have any impact. Basically it is dopamin. I leave it to you to decide."

I responded straight away:" Give me the prescription."

He wrote down the prescription and explained that I had to get the medication in another hospital located in the northern part of the city. That's the only hospital that sells the medication. I am still in a doubt. I didn't know if I wanted to give my son the medication.

THANK YOU SON

Today my son had his mid semester quiz on Bijbel and Bahasa Indonesia. He had been studying the afternoon and at nite he spent another 4 hours. It pays for today he gets 85 for Bijbel and the result for Bahasa Indonesia is still not announced. However, I am quite convinced that things would not be much different with Bahasa Indonesia than the Bijbel.

I did not know what to say when he broke the news. But one thing for sure I'm very happy. All the efforts pay and most of all he's doing progress. He feels more confident and I can feel it. It accelerates his motivation.

My son, I don't expect you to be a genius or what. I am just hoping that you could be independent in any ways that you choose to live. One thing that you can be sure of, I love you and I will do anything within my reach to make you happy and independent.

LEARNING WITH FUN

My son will have the mid semester quiz for an entire whole week, starting as of tomorrow. I decided to try a new method, combining learning with exercise, which is an afternoon walk. I know it's quite risky knowing that my son has inattentive problem. He has to study among the hustle bustle of the afternoon traffic. However, I decided to give a try for if he's able to focus in the heat and traffic then he will not have any problems with focusing in the class room like any other kids. It's a kind of exercise for his inattentive problems.

So, we went for our afternoon walk. It was so hot that no longer had we walked then we had to stop for a while in Mc Donald. The heat was unbearable. Despite all the sweat and heat, my son managed to finish one chapter out of 4 that had been targeted for tomorrow. He was grumbling all the way, but I knew that he was trying to adjust. As to motivate him I promised him that if we could reach Pondok Indah Mall, I would buy him a toy. The reward is indeed powerful. As I offer him to go by busway to another direction, he asked me to focus on PIM for he was aiming for the toy.

After Mc Donald, I added another topic, Bible. He had to finish 4 chapters and managed to finish 2. This time, he wasn't grumbling anymore, on the contrary he was very happy and learned quickly. As we arrived in PIM I told him how proud I am of him and how good he had been along the afternoon walk. We went straight to the store and he bought, again, a car. He was lucky though for the shop was offering a special deal. For any purchase of two cars, one gets another car for free. So my son brought with him 3 cars. And...believe it or not, I added arithmetic and he didn't show any serious reluctance to it. Instead he memorize them well! We agreed on going to do the afternoon walk again next week. Sport and toys are his strength!

INDEX FINGER

In my previous post I wrote down how I had realized that my son's inattentiveness had contributed to his reading ability. It's not that he's not able to read, but he could not focus. He sees the first or the last syllable and guess the rest of the word. I asked him to point the lines with his index finger to help him focus. It helps, he can read faster now and most of all he understands what he reads.

I discussed this issue with a lecturer I happened to meet on my trip to Yogyakarta. He looked deeply into my face and said:"You know what? That's what Japanese organization requires the employees to do. For every object that has been the focus of the attention they have to point it with their index finger. I didn't realize why they have to do it, not until I heard you talk about your son. Maybe that was the reason, to keep people focus."

HIS FIRST DAY

Yesterday was my son's first day with the special therapist. I have hired a therapist twice a week to assist my son with his inattention problem. The program lasts for 1 1/2 hours each visit. I wasn't there to see how things were, but then I talked to my son and went through the first report.

The report basically says that my son ability to focus is still not under his continous control. She gave him toys that will help his ability to focus, yet she did not leave me a message the part that I have to do with my son. I truly believe that she can't handle everything within such a short period and she needs us as a helping hand.

Yesterday, as I got home, my son and I spent sometimes in my room to read his school assignment. I asked him to read twice and he was complaining. Despite the fact that he didn't like the idea to read it again, he made progress on the second try.

As I rode in the bus this morning, I realized how ignorant I had been last nite with my son. Instead of focusing on reading it, I had better focus on his understanding of the reading material. I should have asked him to draw and made a role play out of it. Eeghhhh..... how could I turn to be so ignorant!!

INFORMATION...INFORMATION...INFORMATION

Tempo magazine 26 September - 2 Oktober 2011 edition, covers a two page story on ADHD, under the title The Bouncing Ball in the Class Room. The feature covers inattention as the main symptoms that need to be intervened. The people who were interviewed were basically psychiatrists who major in ADHD. They provide their professional knowledge and opinion on ADHD.

The article expressed the concerned about the number of ADHD patients that has been stated to cover only 3-5% out of the children population. A recent survey (held on December 2010 to Juni 2011) reveals more than 26,2% of children in Jakarta suffers from ADHD. The high populated children with ADHD have not received proper care. It is either parents do not understand ADHD and blamed the child of being ill mannered, or parents are ashamed to accept the fact that their children suffer from ADHD or there aren't too many professionals who can diagnose the symptoms of ADHD. In my case it was the latter.

I have been taking my son to the pediatric and to a neurologist as well as to a number of psychologists, they all said that my son seems to be "normal" ( I hate this categorization). It was later on when he's alredy 7 years the same neurologist told me that something is wrong with my son and the same pediatrician wanted to give my son medication. As the development of a child brain is slowing down at the age of 7, I realized that I had to spend more effort on his intervention. This shouldn't have happened if only the media or the department of health would have paid a little bit attention on such issues. It is the public right to get proper information on growing issues. Don't they believe that children are the future generation? During the earthquake in Japan, all efforts were primarily aimed at supporting children since they realized that children are their future.

I'm not a beginner with the internet, yet, I could hardly find any informative stuff on ADHD from Indonesia in the internet. I do to some extent but most of them break my hope for they told you that ADHD children tend to be drug addicts, deal with crimes and all the negative stuff. I prefer to read information from other advanced countries for they give me information and a bit of solution, since the real solution is unreachable due to the distance.

I have to thank Tempo for providing quite an informative feature on ADHD. They even broadcasted the fact of the surveys and give information on the very few school that will accept ADHD student. So far, I only know one that specializes in learning difficulties in Sekolah Pantara and Sekolah Dasar Pela Mampang.

As for me, it was really reliefing to know that we do have some good professionals who specialize in ADHD. Some of the names are mentioned in Tempo. I searched for the name on the internet and registered my son for consultation next Saturday for this Saturday I have to be out of town.

Finally, I still keep the hope that my eldest daughter who majors in graphic design would work on information on ADHD for her final project paper. She could contribute a lot to so many parents.

STUMBLING BLOCKS

I have never believed that life proceed without upheavel. All that is smooth is nothing but a fatamorgana. It appears as if it is smooth for many reasons. Either we don't know much about it, or we imagine things the way we expect them to be, ignoring the facts. The program that I designed for my son has to face stumbling blocks. The fact that I work and has to be out of town at least once a month or twice a month have disturbed the progress of my program.

Last week, I had to go to Bandung for my work. I had to be there for 3 nights but I made sure that I stayed only two nights. But those two nights had altered some of the programs. This week end I have to be in Yogya, again for two nights. This means I have to arrange a new time slot for his program. Next week I will be away for another 3 nights. Hopefully I can rearrange everything so that he won't be behind in his school work.

CONSISTENCY

Behavior formation has the urgency to include consistency! No matter how excellent the programs are, or no matter how good you are in guiding the programs, it will fall into pieces unless you add consistency into it.

Reward system for my son has been developed together with him. Lately he's been asking me for a new bike. I promise him that I will buy him a new bike if he manages to collect 50 stars. Each star represents his achievement in one subject area. Everyday if he manages to finish one or two subject areas he will get the stars. I have been implementing this reward system and it works quite well. I need to manage the consistency so that it will impact his behavior. If he manages to get 50 stars within a month I will consider it as excellent. For 50 stars in a month indicates that he review 2 subjects in a day. That will be enough to catch up for his lessons.

My son seems to enjoy the program. He begins to see the stars as his aim in studying. I have the intention to include sport to be part of the program. It will serve as an indicator to his strength. As for me, I begin to see the other side of my son. Instead of his inattention and hyperactivity, he can be managed if we show our patience for he now has a motivation, a reason to do his best, though it is still a very short term reason and a material based reason. I am hoping I could accelerate his motivation further as it touches his existence, a reason for living, a reason to become a better person as to be able to contribute to life. Consistency will lead him to reach for his real stars.

NEUROTRANSMITTERS

Neurotransmitters are chemicals that transmit messages from one neuron to another. Human brain comprises 50 neurotransmitters that connect separated billions of nerve cells in the brain. Neurotransmitters can directly or indirectly affect neurons of the brain, affecting behavior. Norepinephrine and dopamine are neurotransmitters responsible for ADHD. While norepinephrine is exicitatory neurotransmiters, dopamine is inhibitor. ADHD are caused by imbalances between the two and play a large role in attention and focus.

The picture and the following process depict the mechnism of impulse transmission taken from mental disorder encyclopedia:

Neurotransmitters are chemical that transmit messages from one nerve cell (neuron) to another. The never impulse travels fro the first nerve cell through the axon-a single smooth body arising from the nerve cell-to the axon terminal and the synaptic knobs. Each synaptic know bommunicates with a dendrite or cell body of another neuron, and the synaptic knobs contain neurovesicles that store and release neurotransmitters. The synapse lies between the the synaptic knob and the next cell. For the impulse to continue traveling across the synapse to reach the next cell, the synaptic knobs release the neurotransmitter into that space, and the next nerve cell is stimulated to pick up the impulse and continue it.

Understanding of the mechanism can help prescription of medication for ADHD. Based on Wikipedia an ADHD patient requires psychostimulant medications such as asmethylphenidae (Ritalin/Concerta), dextroamphetamine (Dexedrine), and Adderall (a mixture of dextroaphetaine and racemic amphetamine salts) to help increase levels of norepinephrine and dopamine.

Not much do I know about ADHD and the medication used to treat the patient. I hold strongly to the view that I wont use any medication for my son.

TIME MANAGEMENT

Today my son had to do his arithmetic homework. My son had been joining the KUMON class ever since he was 5 years. He has gone through number recognition, addition, subtraction and currently he's doing multiplication. He has been quite good in all those separate levels. But problems appear when he has to apply them in real life which in this case mix all the levels in one case.

Being an ADHD patient, my son has problem with his short term memory. Every time he moves to the next level and is busy with that level, he forgets the previous level. As with Arithmetic, he remember the subtraction and multiplication but he forgets everything about addition. As soon as he sees cases with addition he claims right away that he doesn't understand it. I'm still trying to find out how to deal with it.

Aside from the above problem, I manage to find a way out for his time management in doing his work. I read somewhere in the internet that you have to control an ADHD patient focus with a time limit. I try it with my son today. He loves competition, so I challenge him to finish his homework within a time frame and if he wins, we will be doing a game this afternoon. To my amazement he could finish his homework 15 minutes beyond the set time. I am very happy for normally he does it longer.

Time limit is a good tool to make him focus on his homework. Time management is a good tool to help him focus. Since he wins, we both agree on reward scheme. I understand that a long term reward scheme doesn't have any impact on ADHD children, therefore I develop a small rewards that will lead to a big reward. We both agree on the stars that he could gain every time he finishes his work within the time limit.

We both sat in front of the computer and developed the forms. He needs to collect 50 stars to get a new bike to replace the old one. Today he collected 2 stars because he can finish his arithmetic and language lessons on time. We both had a chance to read a story about the invisible alligators that I found on the net. I know that I have to find a story related to the program of improving his inattentiveness. For the time being I took that story simply because he likes it.

Thank you son for making my day!

EXTRA... EXTRA...EXTRA

My son's therapist dropped by today. She wanted to see my son's behavior at home. We then got involved in a discussion about my son. It seems that we both agree that my son suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder with mild hyperactivity. She added some of her assumptions. She believes that going to an international school has added my child confusion and my son doesn't suffer from dyslexia.

The next step she proposed a home schooling program for my son. With her background in education for children with special needs, she is willing to help my son. In her opinion, my son will have more problems when he sits in the fourth grade later. I agree with her though not entirely.

I decided to discuss it with my husband prior to my approval to her proposal.

My husband suggested me to take the two times a week program instead of three times for one main reason: my son's education requires extra money, extra effort and extra time. He has taken extra classes for arithmatic, swimming lesson, extra chinese lessons and now we have the inattention intervention program twice a week. His days are full with extra this, extra that and extra who knows what.

SWIMMING

This morning we went swimming. Our target for swimming is preparing my son for the next level. We are motivating him to join a swimming club with the understanding that swimming is his passion. We are hoping that he could gain his self confidence through it.
The teacher began to push him to do the breaststroke. In the beginning he refuse to do so, for he is comfortable with the freestroke. The teacher persuade by encouraging him to compete with most people who can swim freestroke. The teacher seemed to press the right button, for my son right away swam in breaststroke.

My son loves to compete and win. It's both positive and negative. In sport he'll manage this enthousiasms well, but at school, it might turn to be a factor that will pull him down. Learning difficulties that accompany his ADHD made him learn differently than other children. He requires more time than any other children, so is also with the method of learning. I have to make sure that his schoolwork is chopped into small pieces and made him work on it. I also have to make sure that learning is fun. Therefore I have included games as part of the process of learning.

Today the therapist will come to our house to see how my son behaves at school. She promised to be at our place at 10. My son will have his chinese class at 2 o'clock. It's gonna be a hectic day for him, but hectic is the exact word for his remedy.

PREDOMINANTLY INATTENTIVE

All the professionals that get involved in my son's difficulties have given me contradictories assessments. While waiting for their formal reports I'm doing anyways I can to find it out. I found diagnostic criteria issued by the American Psychologist Association, and compare my son's symptoms against the criteria. Each criteria is graded H for High; M for Medium and L for Low. A couple of criteria are not graded for my son doesn't show such symptoms.

1) Six (or more) of the following symptoms of inattention have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with developmental level:

Inattention

a) Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities (H)

b) Often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities (H)

c) Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly (H)

d) Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions) (H)

e) Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities (H)

f) Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework) (H)

g) Often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (eg, toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools) (H) h)Is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli (H)

i) Is often forgetful in daily activities (H)

2) Six (or more) of the following symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with developmental level:

Hyperactivity

a) Often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat (M)

b) Often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected

c) Often runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective feelings of restlessness) (L)

d) Often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly (M)

e) Is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor" (M)

f) Often talks excessively (H)

Impulsivity

g) Often blurts out answers before questions have been completed (L)

h) Often has difficulty awaiting turn

i) Often interrupts or intrudes on others (eg, butts into conversations or games)

My son appears to suffer from Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Predominantly Inattentive Type. We'll see what the experts have to say!

LITTLE STARS

Today my son had a quiz on language. This time it's Indonesian. Fortunately the teacher informed me ways before the quiz, so I have time to prepare my son. When he's doing his work, I always stay close to him, to help him focus, to redirect him to the page that has to worked on. A reminder that he has to go on to the next part, instead of getting carried away too far from the topic.

When he's reading I suggested him to use his finger to trace the lines so that he doesn't get lost. You'll notice the difference. Without the assitance of his finger, he manage to read the first syllable and guess the rest. He read the word "bilamana" as "bilangan". His level of vocabulary and semantic mastery has not brought him to the ability to make a proper guess based on the first syllable. The automatic word generator function has not fully developed yet or maybe need more assistance to develop. Again I'm dependent on the professionals to help me see his problem from a holistic point of view.

Another little progress that makes me very happy is his ability to express himself. In the past, if I asked him how he was doing in school, he would not respond. He just shrugged his shoulder and left or pretended that he didn't hear my question. But last nite I asked him how he was doing in school and he said, he could do 10 questions out of 12 during the quiz. At this stage I don't care about his grades for I'm fixing his learning process. Grades will only serve as a thermometer to check the temperature of his learning process.

Let's celebrate the stars you manage to collect in your bucket this week end son!

SPORT

Children with ADD tend to have a stronger right brain hemisphere. This is a good point to start building his confidence.So far the right brain hemisphere is also my son's strength. At home he has gained a number of trophies for games that require physical activities. I take him swimming every Saturday and he used to play football on Saturday as well. He enjoys doing sport. although it's not easy when he's moody.

Lately my son shows a strong enthousiasm on swimming. He loves to compete and he's doing good in free style. When week end is approaching he reminds me of our swimming time. His motivation is an achievement. We need to climb up the next ladder so that his motivation is not going to die out.

My friend told me that during one of the show on local television there is a down syndrome swimmer that could win the gold medal in International competition in Athens. I found out that the girls name is Stephani Handoyo. She goes to an ordinary school and she has the ability to play the piano as well. It is not easy for children with imbalanced brain hemispheres to play the piano. Two thumbs up for her mother who dedicate her entire life to develop her daughter.

As for son's musical ability, I probably would put my son in a percusion class. Just give him the chance to explore the world.

IT'S NOT EASY

I know it's not easy to define what's disturbing my son. I expected, at least, that professionals that come from one clinic could probably collaborate and decide my son's problems. Yesterday my son is supposed to follow a therapy for the first one. It took him almost 2 hours in total. I wasn't with him, so I heard the news from my daughter and through my phone conversation with the therapist.

The therapist said my son doesn't have ADHD nor does he has dyslexia. Instead his intellectual quotient is a bit beyond standard. Every mother, including me, takes this as a punishment.

Throughout my conversation with her, I explained all the details of my observation. Guess what? She sounded like she doubt her own conclusion. I might have redirect her opinion as an impact of my refusal to her punishment or she didn't have sufficient information to arrive to her conclusion. In the end of our conversation, she began to redirect her conclusion.

It is not easy to find out about my son. As with me, I'm not a professional, I'm waiting for, in fact I'm paying for professionals to let me know his problems. I kinda get lost in this game of life.

DSM-IV-TR

Today I get to know a new terminology related to ADHD, DSM-IV-TR. It is an acronym that stands for Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) a common language and criteria to standardized classification of mental disorder, developed by American Psychology Association. Yup, categorizing people is the main paid occupation of professionals.

This DSM professionals classify ADHD into three main clusters, symptoms of either inattention (type A) and hyperactivity (type B) and a combination of both (Type C). Symptoms of inattention (Type A symptoms) include an inability to remain focused on any type of task, difficulty organizing behavior and planning action, as well as ease of distraction. Hyperactivity-impulsivity symptoms or Type B symptoms include an inability to control voluntary motor activity and spontaneous generation of socially-inappropriate behaviors. Type C symptoms is a combination of Type A and B. Research indicated that ADHD occurs mostly to male rather than female. The symptoms may continue to manifest into adulthood but the symptoms lessen and remain only 15% at the age 25.

Literature mentioned two main causes of ADHD, genetic and brain lesion. My son seems to suffer from perinatal brain lesion because of Hypoxic-Ischemia. Hypoxia refers to a lack of oxygen in the blood while ischemia refers to a reduction in blood supply to a particular tissue. HI can occur during perinatal phase, including the childbirth. I have a vague recollection of what the doctor told me once. He had mentioned something about birth trauma which didn't make any sense at all to me at that time. Aparently it is the Hypoxic-Ischemia. The absence of oxygen and blood impacted the death of the brain cells and caused ADHD.

One of the impacted area is the Prefrontal Cortex (PFC). The functions carried out by the prefrontal cortex area is executive functions. Executive function relates to abilities to differentiate among conflicting thoughts, determine good and bad, better and best, same and different, future consequences of current activities, working toward a defined goal, prediction of outcomes, expectation based on actions, and social "control" Other impact affected the sttriatum, the major input station of the Basal Ganglia System. The basal ganglia are associated with a variety of functions, including voluntary motor control, procedural learning relating to routine behaviors or "habits" such as eye movements, and cognitive emotional functions. Experimental studies show that the basal ganglia exert an inhibitory influence on a number of motor systems, and that a release of this inhibition ‘s permits a motor system to become active. The "behavior switching" that takes place within the basal ganglia is influenced by signals from many parts of the brain, including the prefrontal cortex which plays a key role in executive functions.

Hah... it took me a couple of days before I could gather all the information. The above case is my understanding on my son’s case and the above information need to be confirmed by the neurologist It shed light into my perspective on my son’s behavioral issues. He’s seeing the therapist tomorrow. Therapist deals with his inability to stay focus. We’ll see what happen.

Image taken from http://www.empowher.com/media/reference/conduct-disorder

PATIENCE

My life has turned so colorful as I raise my son. Today he has to do some homework for tomorrow, reading and math. According to the psychologist both are his weak points. So we started doing his homework at 7 and hoping it would last till 9. Again I used the standard studying hours.

We started with Math. I chose the corner of the room in which there were only my son and me. In the beginning I wanted to explain the answers but then he blurted right away saying that he knew the answer. So I let him worked on his own.

He kept on coming back to me to ask for explanations and since I was focusing myself on other things I easily lost my patience. My husband entered the room and joined us. I was busy talking to my husband and again I ignored my son. He came back again and again for some more explanations. I really lost my temper and shouted at him to work on his homework.

After a while I realized that he couldn't think properly because of my temper. He couldn't answer the easiest question simply because he was afraid of me.

Theoretically speaking, I know exactly that a mother is not supposed to loose her temper, but practically it's not easy. And patience is the utmost when dealing with ADHD children. I remember vaguely the lines that I read in some references: "The teacher will play a big role in teaching children with learning difficulties, however parents are the most. Therefore parents have to be in a healthy and good condition in order to help their ADHD child."

My son's nose was bleeding again so I sent him to bed. As I watched him going to sleep I regretted myself for not having enough patience. I'm sorry son!

THE INTERVENTION

I have set up a meeting with a friend yesterday. I wanted to develop a syllabus for my son. Who knows that syllabus could contribute to all other sons who have similar problems as my son. We met in a quite fancy restaurant. She was with her son, similar age to my son and resembles a lot to my son. That little boy was playing with his laptop in the corner beside his mom while I was sitting right in front of his mom.

She explained the methodology of developing a syllabus. I slowly digested her explanation and got a rough picture of the methodology. Just to make sure that my understanding is proper I began to explain how to introduce the methodology to my son's condition. I must say, yes, my elaboration is in accordance to the methodology. So happy I was that I went home and couldn't wait any longer to work on the syllabus. Unfortunately however, I bumped against the stumbling blocks.

The first block came from the fact that I haven't received any confirmation from the neurologist what my son's problems actually. No matter how firm I am with my son's situation I still have to count on any possibilities that is based on his professional (I hate this word ) judgments. The second block came from the fact that since I am not firm on the cause how could I define the intervention program for my son. The third, I definitely can start with the symptoms such as hyperactivity, attention and learning disabilities but how can I define the strategy and the program unless I know the main location of the problem that impacted his psychomotor hyperactivity?

My friend silently wrote down something on a piece of paper and showed it to me. She said, my son is just like your son.

ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER (ADHD)

When my son was only 2 years old, I saw strange symptoms. He could hardly control himself and when he was in anger it could last for hours. Later on I knew that it was called Tantrum. I decided to take him to a pediatrician and neurologist.

The pediatrician gave him some vitamins and since I didn't understand what they were all about, I ended it after the second or third bottle. The same pediatrician also found out that my son suffered from bronchitis and was infected by worms beside a severe nose bleeding (mimisan). Later I knew that all the symptoms led to anemia. The prescribed vitamins was basically zinc to support his brain development. The doctor has never told me that he suffers from ADD, but indirectly he said, whatever you call it, he has problems with his left brain development and we need to create balance out of the two brain hemispheres.

Then I took my son to the neurologist who at the beginning said that nothing was wrong with my son. He's perfectly okay. That was the news that every parents would love to hear. And that news also contributed to my decision to stop the vitamin from the pediatrician after the second or third bottle.

As five years have gone, I saw stronger symptoms that last longer than before. So I took my son to the same pediatrician and neurologist. The same pediatrician gave my son medication and the same vitamin. I only gave my son the vitamin. When I went back to the neurologist, he sensed something is wrong with my son and suggested me to take him to the psychologist.

I took my son to three different psychologists even before the neurologist asked me to do so. When he was 2 years old, the psychologist told me that there was nothing wrong with him. Again this is the news that put me in the comfort zone and made me unaware of the long term impacts of my ignorance. However, the inner me was a bit disturbed for the symptoms were still there and I decided to get a second opinion and went to another psychologist. This time she suggested me to have an IQ check and gave me an address for my child to have a fingerprint test. I didn't know what it was and took my son to have one. The result didn't answer my main questions but then he gave me a series of information about my son, what he's good at and what kinds of potential he has. With this, I decided to stop finding any further information about my son's health for the symptoms were slowing down (I should have said dormant). However there was a time when I took another psychologist home to observe my son and she gave me the suggestion to put my son under a hypnotherapy. I didn't believe her and decided not to continue with her.

The last psychologist was suggested by the neurologist. She observed and talked to my son for almost an hour and arrived to the conclusion that my son suffered from dyslexic problems.

There are many mixed up feelings. I went to some literature on ADD and Dyslexia and quite confirm that my child was having a brain development problem and I felt guilty for not knowing it earlier. His lack of brain development impacted his behavior and indicated ADD symptoms and impacted his learning ability, specifically his reading ability and therefore he was sentenced as dyslexic patience.

I have learned many things through the process of understanding my son's health. To begin with, I felt sorry for some professions that are driven by commercial purpose and prescribed patience to follow programs that they probably get a particular percentage out of it. Other human life is affected by their decisions. It disturb me a lot and I regret this facts, however life has to go on. Finding solutions for my son is more important than thinking of their irresponsible actions.

I have decided to find out my son's strength and develop them further rather than focusing my effort on turning my son to be just like any other ordinary children. People are categorized by those who hold the power , according to Foucault. Profession is just one of those people who has the power to categorize others. The fact that they could not explain why ADD people like Einstein and Galileo could flourish out of their creativity, is ignored. The potentialities of ADD children are ignored, and they focus on their shortcomings.

My son, you don't have to be like any other children, you can be yourself who could be better than any other children.

DYSLEXIA

I arrived late and waited outside her room. My son was inside. After a couple of minutes the psychologist peeked through the door and invited me to get inside. That was probably the longest moment ever. She looked straight into my eyes and said: He suffers from dyslexia. I do know that word and the meaning, but my knowledge about it is very shallow. So she begin explaining it to me.

"Dyslexia is learning disability caused by reading problems. A child is said to suffer from Dyslexia when the child has problems with reading. There are three proposed cognitive subtypes of dyslexia: auditory, visual and attentional. Dyslexia is not intellectual problems for they are mostly children with average or above average IQs. Einstein is just one example of a dyslexic child. Your son suffers from auditory dyslexia."

I sat there in denial to her statement. Deep down in my heart I objected strongly: "You cant do that to my son. You cant punish him further." As soon as I began to gain my senses, I asked her tons of questions about it. Basically my questions were directed to the possibility of overcoming his dyslexic problems and made him be just like any other kids.

As I arrived home and began to search for some information about Dyslexia, my mind flew to a name: Foucault. He mentioned the fact that people are categorized. The metodhology to categorized people is based on knowledge determined by power. A doctor has the power to define normal to sick. As with Dyslexia, people are ignoring the fact that Dyslexic children has their own talent compared to other ordinary children. Some are really good in sport, some in music and some other in art. I need to explore my son's strength instead of focusing on his weakness. Move on Son.

IN THE BEGINNING

He was more than just wild. He gave me a sharp look and I dont see any signs that he's going to cease talking back to me. This is it. I have to see the expert.

I took my son to the doctor who is at the same time a pscychologist. He gave my son some medication and another bottle of vitamin which contains mostly zinc. I went through the internet to see the impact of the medication and decided not to give my son the medication. So I took my son to a neurologist nearby my house. I had explained the entire situation then he invited my son to get inside. He had a conversation with my son. Some questions were excellently answered, some were not.

He asked my son to write his own name, my name and his dad's name. He could manage to write his name and my name. Then he asked my son to do substraction and addition. He could finish the substraction then he said, he forgets everything about addition. Then the doctor gave him some instructions and asked him to follow them. It is rather complicated I must say. This time he managed to do it well. Then he told me that my son need to see the psychologist. So I went to the front desk and set for an appointment.

On the way home, my mind was wondering about my son. What's wrong with you? What do I have to do to help you? I took you to the same doctor 5 years ago and he said that there was nothing wrong with you. I took you to the psychologist and she said that there was nothing wrong with you. I took you to another psychologist and she said that you had to follow an IQ test. I took you to the fingerprint test and he said everything is balanced with your life and he showed me your strength and weakness.

What is so wrong with you son? Lord help me out, show me the things that need to be done for his sake. I know it's gonna be a very long and tiring journey. Im ready to face it. This is just the beginning, there is always a beginning which sometimes ends up with no end.