O CHRISTMAST TREE

Christmas as regularly celebrated is over. The crumps are still in  the air. The Christmast symbols, tree, ornaments, wishes are everywhere. Soon, very soon, they also have to go away, elapsed by time. Our christmas tree is still standing haughtily in  the living room. Brown and gold are the chosen color. I was expecting that this Christmas will be shining like gold.

 I love this Christmas, the kind that I had in my childhood. On Christmast Eve, the entire family gathered together, not to mention some friends who were also invited. This is the best Christmas present I have had within these last couple of years. Family, the feeling of having a big family, of being a part of so many people, has lofted me with tons of happiness.

Soon, very soon I have to take all the ornaments down and keep the tree in the box. A kind of refusal occupies my heart. They are symbols, for the real one is in my heart. Still I feel sorry that I have to put them down soon.

SIX DAYS OF AUTUMN

Autumn is the time for me to finish all  unsettled questions.  The real autumn is over, in  fact this is summer. But I have reached the autumn of my life. There is one big question in my mind. What’s gonna happen to me when I grow old? Will somebody look after me? I knew the answer was no. But that was my assumption. A six-day-journey has brought me to the real answer.

I did not see anything strange upon my arrival. But on the way I began to feel the symptons.  Unpleasant frown on  the face as I wanted to do my shopping list on the first day. It’s only six days, if I could finish my shopping list on the first day, I still have five days to go. It was not my personal shoppinng, it was for the school that I am going to establish soon. Anyway... I did not do the shopping on the first day. So there goes my first day.

On the second day, that was Wednesday. I stayed home the whole day. I clean the kitchen a bit and noticed that there was almost nothing to cook. I stayed  home and ate a piece of bread. Suffer from hunger a bit the whole day. In the evening, I said...let’s go out and eat. So we went out and dined. The food was so so...but i was starving and that was probably the best food I have ever tasted in my whole life.  We did some shopping a bit, for I need some fruit to balance all the junks that went into my stomach to ease  my hunger. Today I was informed that friends would come over to eat. I will cook for them.  I love to do it, it made me feel appreciated.

On the third day, that was Thursday, we went out shopping. I bought lots of books for my library. Another frown. I pretended I did not see it for this is my third day, I have to do something for myself. I took a taxi home for If I did not, the frown would probably stay forever. In the evening I feel like going out so I went out on my own, and wondering, dont you want to do some shopping for  tommorow? Anyway...I’m willing to do more and more, but I am older now, I can not carry all the shopping list myself. So I dont know how things are going to be tomorrow.  I leave it to the master. I wanted to finish my project but I could not. I need some resources, and I asked her to borrow a book from the library. But she forgot it. I asked her if I could use the electronic digital library, she said there is no such thing. I remember last time back home, I used her electronic digital library resources. Maybe the  policy change or maybe...I dont know what.

On the fourth day, Friday. I took a shower earlier that day, because I know that invitation had been sent and people would be here in the afternoon. No food? It was after lunch, the initiative to do shopping turned up. The invitation was at four, and we went out at 12 something. So I could figure out what’s gonna happen next. We arrived home around 2 and I began cooking. At 4 people are turning up. I’m still cooking. A question popped up. Why did it take me so long to cook? My goodness, who do you think I am. A genie or what? She asked for rendang and this is the longest food to cook. I turn the stove higher to make the process faster. Lucky, the rest of the guests arrived late and I could finish around 5. Right after I went inside the room to sit, she popped up and said, the food need more salt, it is tasteless. The hurt and pain was mounting and I went out to apologize to the guests. After dinner, they all went out and I was again alone in my room. Anyway... I have heaps of work to finish, but the pain in my heart hurt so much. I told myself, you are older and you turn to be more and more sensitive. Okay. I admit this fact.

On the fifth day, i was left alone from early in  the morning until late at night. That’s okay. I kept myself busy and cook for the day. At night she ate the  food and gave some negative comments on  the meat. Well, I dont have any excuses to say. Let it be. The pain and hurt have already been there anyway.

On the sixth day, which is my last day. No moves, nothing. So I stayed quiet in the room. Feeling abandoned, feeling sad, everything altogether. It was almost twelve when I was asked if I wanted to go out.. That day was not my day. I received bad news from home. On the way I thought I miss my bus card. We missed the bus, I could not draw cash and we got lost.  Finally we decided to go to the city. Again. An aimless trip, not knowing what to do there. Anyway.... just do it. My mind was at home actually. So in the city while we were having  late late lunch, I was trying to bring her in to find a solution. She did not say a word. I know what’s in her mind. “It’s none of my business”.  The hurt  was so deep. I was unstable myself, she did not have to carry the burden. I do, I was just asking her for an opinion. Anyway... I stayed quite the whole night. She came to me and apologized. I tried to explain my reasons. You dont need anybody when you are happy, but you will definitely need somebody when you are sad.  She smiled happily. It’s not because of my words, but simply because she could make me speak again. I tried to make the best out of my last night. I asked her to order pizza and we ate and had a conversation together with her friend. I went to my room. She stayed outside and slept on  the bench. I might be the virus that made her affraid of sleeping in her own bed.  She was affraid that I would ask her opinion about the problem back home. Anyway...she moved into her bed, late at night, and went to sleep right away. Some important phone calls were ignored.  After lots of complain and after receving lots of promises to visit the  library, she finally let me use her electronic digital library. I did not really use them in  the end, the mood is not there anymore.

My departure day, Monday. I was mad yesterday, so I said, I didnt want nobody to take me to the airport. Yes, she made it happen. Okay.... you dont know me then. No matter how heavy my suitcases were, I was not going to complain. The pain did not stop there. I was in the bathroom, she shouted at me telling me that the taxi was downstairs. I knew it, but that was not 6 o”clock. That was a bit early, so I still can use the bathroom. The pain was so unbearable, I cried a bit in the bathroom and I told her that i can’t wait to leave myself.  I went out of the toilet and grabbed my bag. She followed me. My suitcases were already downstairs. I am more than ready to leave. I kissed goodbye and I jumped into  the taxi. I did not turn my head, not even once. I left the memories of my six days behind.

I finally have to thank her for answering my questions. Winter is almost here, I will be ready to be on my own. You can  count on my words. 

 

GOLD DUST

December is knocking at my door. Somehow I feel uneasy with time. It flies and it is impossible to stop. The dreams that haunted me in my childhood and teens are again wide awake. I keep a handful of dreams in  the palm of my right hand. I have to mould and turn them into reality. As I grow older, the magic power fades away.  I hold the gold dust tightly in the palm  of my hand. I notice the  leak, I notice the gold dust slowly and gently slip through my fingers and fly into nothingness.

It's now or never. Dear Lord, have merci on me. Let me survive. Let me hold all the dreams in my hand and make them come  true. Let this Chrismast be my Christmast.

THE WORLD OF -ING

 Saying good bye to the heart of peace and love. Walking aimlessly to the unknown dessert. Loosing sanity in the wild  journey of  wisdom. Holding strong to the grip of reality. Welcoming the liars and the drama queen to the world of complexity.

IT'S RAINING

After a long long wait it rains again in the land of  Watcumecolit. I have been living there for more than 29 years. The last time that the rain touched my burning skin  was 10 years ago. The long draught has created such a disarrayment to the nature. The earth gradually turns shabby and scrubby. The biting reality has left a wrinkly face with deep fractures and scars. The heavily dusty earth has made the nature loose her beauty. Old and gruesome like a diabetic patient whose left feet has already been burried in the cemetery.

The trees  has not left a trace of leaves in them. At night, when the dryness eased its grip, the naked body and arms  stood like the bloodcurdling shadows, chasing the dreams of  tomorrow out of everyone's mind. The petrifying nights, although not better than the sickening daylight, up lifted the tense of life a bit. It offered a moment of fantasy that would turn life sour as the sun appears. The dream is no longer there. The draught turned even severe.

The rain is a blessing that no word can  describe. It falls into the lap of the universe and heals the wound of  the earth. The trees begin to dance again blissfully. The song of joy fills the air and alter the dusty face of the earth into a more than just the beauty of a miss peagant. It's an angel from heaven sent to shower  life with His blessings. A beauty and glory at the same time. The face begin to show its genuine truth. Her cheeks turn full as the red  apple that grow in summer. Her hair changes into an embroidery silky veils of a bride. It dances gracefully with the wind.

However, the bestowed blessings are not there forever. Draught will soon be back unnotified . So will the rain. The only thing we have is the experience. We learn how to survive during the draught and we learn how to preserve the wealth of the rain to keep us alive. Dryness is not there for  nothing. It enriches our appreciation of the blessings of  the rain.

THE THREE SURVIVORS

Death has flapped her wings again and took a lady away two  days ago. I know this lady. I saw her sleeping silently in the coffin. We might not say much words when you were still alive, but I honestly adore you. Death flew over  their house for the second time. Last year, she took the father. Hardly had their tears dried, when she took the mom.
Her little angel was there. I wonder what's  the meaning of death to the little angel. Is it a scarry word? or does it mean tears? It could have any meanings to her. I can not grab what's inside her mind. She's too little. I saw the lady's son standing right accross me next to the coffin. He stood there. His lips were tightly sealed. Was he trying to hide the sorrow, or had he run out of tears. My mind crawled into the past. The face of her eldest daughter whom I often watch closely came into my view. Just  the three of them in the wild hand of reality.
Reality will push them to grow up beyond their age. After the funeral tomorrow, a big question will hang over the sky. Who's going to be in  charge of them? Hopefully the sun will be there to lighten up their days. Should it be the cloudy sky, face it with courage for the naked reality is there. Whether you like it or not you have to face the battle.   Let me call you the survivors, for you will definitely survive.  My prayers are with you.

THE JOURNEY

I know you feel battered. I know you feel drown in a deep sorrow. But I also know that you have learned a lot about life. The lessons that I have never ever given you. The lessons that you explore on you own in the journey of loneliness. There were crowds of people around, but they are not your crowd. You thought they were yours and that was good. Because you felt that you were not alone in  the beginning. As the sun moves higher and the life is getting hotter and dry, those whom you thought were your crowd slowly melt away. The loneliness is biting you now. The feeling of being neglected and ignored.

I admit that I have never let you go through those journeys. I knew that they were going to hurt you. I made the journey tougher and harder for you, because I had never prepared you to go through it. God always knows what's best. I did not do my part. He made you go through it His way. You have learned it the hardway, yet that's the best way.

I know, one day,when my time arrives you are more than  ready to take over my place and yet be your own person. To watch over your sister, brother and Pa. It won't be easy though, but it is another battle to tame. Life is not free of battles and those battles make your life meaningful and create the real person in you.

I heard the wind outside. Let me blow my prayer to where ever you are now. God doesn't recognize boundaries. In the office, in the meeting or any place that you name, He  brings the blessings to your life, right onto your lap. Grab it for we never know what's coming tomorrow.

FAMILY

Family has a special meaning to  everyone. They are the closest person in life. I am not an  exception. I love my family. I could not describe a typical relationships that occured among Ma, my sisters, my brother and me. I could not mention Pa, for he had run away from being a father to us. Pa is a word that bears no meaning  to me. Once or twice, I did wonder how it felt to have a father. But I'm used to it so it vanished into the thin air as life goes on. Ma has always been there for me. I remember riding in a becak when I was only 7 years. I sat on her  lap and listened to her heartbeat. Her pendant was glittering and glimmering as the becak rode accross the darkness of  the night. Why it sticks in my mind, I can  not explain. The most probable reason was her heartbeat.

As I grew up I felt that family was my elder sister, ma and me. We grew up together. We had fights for stupid reasons, the fights that bound us together. I pretended that I was older, because I knew she took me whoever and whatever I am. She loved me more than she loved herself. Her death was the greatest lost I have ever had. I remember  the moment when she held me in my arms and waited for mom at the place where they put her off from office bus. Mom  brought us a banana and we shared them together. As always my part was bigger than hers. I was not hungry, it happened because she let it happen. It was not the banana but it was the  feeling that she put me first rather than herself. (If you read this sis, I want to thank you for all the things that words can not describe).

My brother and my eldest sister were ways older than us. They had their own life and peers. They did not spend much time with us. There were times,  I asked myself how I felt for them. I could not describe the  feelings. I was like facing an  empty mirror in  which my reflection was not there. I could not describe what I saw, because I saw nothing.  Have I not shared some moments with them? I do and I did.
As I grew up my elder  sister brought me closer  to my brother. We spent a couple  of holidays together. I still remember the moment when my brother looked at both of us closely and deeply. He  suddenly spurred some words that hooked the fish in my heart. "I felt like a dream to have you  both here with me. I'm so happy. The words were so sincere but the look was more than everything.

I have my own family now. I have lost my elder sister. No more week end phone calls. No more nights where she cried in pains, no more complains, btw, both of us love to complain. I have only ma staying with me. She stays with me forever, from the day I was born until today. Let me call it forever, for if something happens to any of us, we have had shared our moments forever.

DREAM OF THE GOOD THINGS

 Do not let anyone make you feel  that you are a bad person. It will brainwash you and penetrate deep into your mind and affect not only your belief  but your actions as well. Everyperson has their  own  good sides, try to look at it with your own  perspective. Let me help you to trace them:

Remember the moments when you take care of your sister and brother. They are the most beautiful moments. A golden moments if I may say. Remember your little brother how he feels so attached to you? A child feels, they do not  think for  they are  still a child. So invest on your kind heart to others, for they are your asset.

Bailing out your friends are also the best values that you possess. You take care of your friends no matter how much they make you suffer. You stay loyal to your friends. The case when you bail out your friend from a prison....I really hate it...yet on  the  other side, I am so proud of you. You know what loyal means and most of all you know how to love a person wholeheartedly.  

How I remember the girl and  lady who show so much affections to others, to grandma, to grandpa, and relatives. A phone call from your cousins and there goes your money. You protect them, you help them.  They are all good values that no one I could compare with.

So do not worry too much. You are a good person. All that you need to do is directing the good values into the right direction. Some people do not deserve to be treated good and you are not to blame for that.

Before I end this piece, let  me tell you how sorry I am  for not being able to be there to support you. Looking at it from  the positive side, maybe He wants you to stand on your own two feet to face it and take a wise decision for your own good sake. I will always be there for you be it physically or through my prayers and supports. Just remember one  thing, you are a good person and  firmly believe in it. Remember about the dreams that I told you.... build your own dreams....dont let anyone build them  for you. It has  to be your dreams.

 

 

 

FIFTY SIX

I am fifty six today. I was fifty five yesterday. Fifty five brought  new perspectives about life and children to  me. The things that has been  inhabited my cognition has slowly been translated into  my action. Sometimes I wonder if it is to late for me to make changes. But then I realize, late is an expression created to fill the gap of the opposite of early. Just do and believe that wonderful things will happen. As long as you do "positive" things, His blessings will always be part of it.

I feel a bit awkward when my husband and children woke me up at 12.00. I have never been treated like this before. Ooops I did, once, last year. Thanks to my daughters who bring a new meaning to birthdays. I had learned to accept birthday as a "not-important-day". Simply because I had not been treated that way, I changed my definition  of birthday. It was immature of me. I was like a looser who lost the battle of life and surrendered. Thanks to my lovely children who now are more my gurus rather than  the other way round. They are their own person and will soon become the pattern or  model that others would copy or go against. Hopefully they are ready for this battle.

I love my children. The love that has gradually changed. I started with an  aim to craft and possess children into  the model that I learn from books. I later on  realize, they are my dreams, but my children have their own  dreams. I could not be what I dream of, how can I turn them into my dreams.  I begin to learn to let them follow their own dreams. I am here, ready to be your partner to discuss dreams. Dreams can be good but dreams can also be dangerous. Dream the dreams of your own, dont let other people put their dreams into your head.

 

AUTOMATED TELLER MACHINE

I have been using the services of Automated Teller Machine or ATM for sometimes. It is an electronic banking outlet, which assists me to complete  my transactions. However I have never put another thought on it. I draw my cash or pay my transactions and that's it. Even if I pass ATM I dont even put a special notice on it.

It changed one night after I had had a dream. An exremely weird dream. In my dream I am not me. I am an ATM. Many people came to use my services. Sometimes the queu of people are very long. I have to make sure that I can be of full service to all those people. The money has to  be there, always. A man and a beautiful girl kicked me because I ran out of money. There were also  another occasions in  which they totally ignored me because of the same reason. Deep down in my heart I was hoping they would help me and call my head office to report that I'm out of cash. But that was my hope and my hope are not the customers'.
During my dream, I asked my customers what do they need all those money for? I did not get a response, they did not even notice my question. Then I realize, I am just an ATM, I dont deserve an explanation. All I have to do is provide services to those who need cash and make sure I dont fail to do so.

That dream ended that night. I woke up from my dream and could  not help myself from thinking about it. The dream stopped but the thoughts are alive, even up to the moments of writing this story. I just wonder how my customers could survive if they are not allowed to use my services. They will probably go straight to the bank to draw cash or they go to another ATM. Again, it is only my thoughts, my thoughts are not theirs.

 

TEACHERS AND TEACHING

The teaching sessions to prepare teachers for the billingual program will be over  this week end. The lessons that I learnt from the program are enormous. I found blank spots here and there. Some of them are as follows:

1. Goals. The adopted approach is based on taxonomy Bloom. Most are familiar with it, but then implementing it into the teaching process is another issue. Some do not understand the difference among, cognitive, affective and psychomotoric. In spite of the so many critics conveyed to the approach, one can always make adjustments here, there and everywhere. How can you make adjustments when you dont even understand the concept. How can you define your goals? Most goals are either cognitive or psychomotoric. Affection has no place, while affection has a huge impact on cognitive and psychomotoric goals.

2. Lesson plan. Most teachers are confused about the difference between lesson planning and curriculum. Being confused does not lead them to find the answers, but they stay drawning in the wave of confusion.  I wonder if teachers feel the urge to make a lesson plan before teaching.

3. Creativity. I dont blame teachers for lacking of creativity. They are also the victims of the negative pictures of rationality. I always remind them about the generation who can  draw two mountains and the sun in  between. They are the product of this generation, including me. It has been there and it is not easy to combat  them. Creativity had always been a sin. If you go out of the set standards, you are wrong. This phenomena are everywhere in all areas of life, including education. So teachers follow the standards.

4. Teaching methodology. Most teachers love to hear their own voice. So they spend most of  the teaching session talking. The students listen and try to memorize, yes memorize, the words. Participation which  is the main door to understanding is totally closed and locked. It is a habit that has been inherited from  the past and remain  alive until today. It is not easy to ask teachers to open the door and provide room for the students to contribute their experience. Teachers still have the believe that they know more than the students. Believe it or not, students actually know a lot more  for they are the generation who has access to Mr. Google and know how to manipulate it.

5. Teachers complain of being the second class citizenship. My comment: who can make you the first class citizens unless you do it yourself?

6. Schools are owned either by the Government or by Foundations.  I wonder if the Government and those who are  in charge of the foundations do really understand what educations are. Stop regulating until you really know what educations are.

My project will be over soon. I really look forward to cooperate with teachers to improve together.

A FLEETING MOMENT

My name is Luciana. She mentioned her name boldly. A typical girl of 24 years stood next to me in front of the mirror. We both have just finished swimming. I watched her image closely in the mirror. Her short hair was still wet and she dried them up with a towel. Then she smiled at me and asked me : "Do you swim everyday?

 

"No, I swim every other day.  Actually I’m a diabetic patient, so I need to do sport to tone down my glucose level," I must have said them out of self pity.

"Ooh  my dad is also a diabetic patient. My dad, my mom and I swim everyday. I’m proud of my dad.  Once his glucose level had reached more than 500 but still he managed to drive home with his motor cycle."

I did not say a word out of shock. Then I diverted the conversation to get away from shame: “Do you work?”

She said: "Yes, but I quit because I want to take my postgraduate degree."

"So, here you are accompanying your  dad swimming. That’s nice!"

She smiled and stopped drying her hair. She looked at me deeply and said: "He accompanied my mother actually. My mom suffered from Leukemia." 

This time I was even more shocked. Out of my shock and confusion I said: "You are the nicest girl  for you take care of them."

She stood there staring at me. "We take care of each other.   I suffer from leaking heart valve."

This morning I saw her again in the swimming pool. I saw her taking care of an old thin lady and a grey haired man. They have been a point of my observation before. I had been wondering what are they trying to achieve, learning how to swim at old age.

This morning she did not recognize me, for our conversation was just a fleeting moment. A moment that Luciana have to go through, just like the rest of the other moments. But for me, the moment that has alerted me from my dream of self  pity. Thank you Luciana, you add another dimension into my life.

BLESS ALL SUNDAYS

If the sun can ease the  pain, I will burn myself with the rays

If the tears can subside the angst, I will make the ocean overflow

If silence can dampen the chaotic battle inside of me, I will keep both ears closed

 

Unfortunately the sun is there to light up the day

and keep us alive everyday

There is no promise of light without darkness

Regretably, tears can ease the angst for a while, it is still sticks there until time shunt it sideways

Tears have never been meant to exist without laugters.

Sadly silence can only deafen my ears, while the battle is there to continue. Being deaf does not mean  that the world stop evolving around the sun.

Maybe I focus too much on the pain, the angst and the chaotic battle. And maybe I focus too much on myself. And maybe I forget to answer the question of life: Have you counted your blessings?

 

LOST and FOUND

ANNOUNCEMENT

 

This is to announce that a heart was found desserted on the street yesterday. It is in a  good condition although a bit crumppled.  When we found the heart it was battered and showed an indication of minor bleeding.  It has been taken care of and is in a better condition now.

The owner of  the heart please contact the address  below. You dont have to bring any document to proof that the heart is yours.

Lost and Found Department
contact: God @ heaven.com

GOOD MORNING

Good morning! It is a beautiful morning. The sun is peeping beautifully among the clowds. The birds are chirping and the plants and trees are nodding their head to greet me. How many mornings do I still have Lord?

I swallow the magnificent air as my ears capture the sound of wind chimes rattling incessantly in the air. The windchimes that connect me to my deceased sister. My sister's face is suddenly here, with me. She was laying on her death bed while I was beside her. The pain was so unbearable and she did not do anything but cry. Once in a while she made a hissing sound to let me know that she was in so much pain.

I did not know what to do. Panic was striking me at that time. But I kept on reminding myself, she needs you! I held her hand in mine and began to pray. I asked, cried and shouted silently to God to help her, to ease her pain. I did not ask God to save her for I know God had His own plan. God was saving her from another more severe  pain. We felt asleep that  night, holding hands and counting the nights in our dream. How long will this  last Lord?

The following morning as the sun appeared on  the window we both woke up battered. She was so weak, but the spirit to fight was there, alive. She posed me a question:Why did He give me such a limited time? I'm only in  my midfifties. I still have dreams to pursue? I did not know what to say. I was not ready for such conversation. I hesitated for a while before I said: "You are always lucky compared to me. You know and can  predict what's going to happen to you. The doctor said, you had only two years to go, but I could go anytime, even before you." You still have time  to plan ahead. But I probably not because it could arrive anytime.

My sister died. Similar mornings are still around, occuring in different time and spaces. And this  morning I asked the same question to myself: How  many days are left for me?

DANDELION SEED

I try to locate the doubtness that occupies my mind. How could it be there? Is this the path that everyone has to go through when they choose to beindependent. I have the knowledge, no doubt about it. I have the passion, yes, it has always been there. Maybe it was luck. Something that has always been blocking my ways. What is luck anyway?

The rationalist calls them probability, religion refers to it as God's will, philosophy names it determination, meaningful coincidence, locus of control, self fulfilling prophecy and many others. Bad luck and good luck depends on how supportive luck is toward the attainment of one's  wishes or one's dream. How supportive is luck toward my dreams so far?

Bad luck and good luck, both have been served on  my tray and I ate them, sometimes with lots of complains, some other times in silence. Through all the bad lucks they had been ways beyond my sense of justice. Good luck. I cant say I dont have it. In fact they came to me in abudance. Having no intention to mention one by one, I would nominate family, friends at work and "enemies" are blessings. They keep me alive by pulling me down and blowing me up high.

Why do I keep on comparing good and bad? Maybe they are not two separate entities. Maybe they are one in which each keep the other alive. Maybe.... I dont know much for sure, Life is a mystery. Blow the dandellion seed and hope that three will be no seeds clinging to the stalk. Wish for the good luck and be ready for the bad luck.

DONT PUT YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET

There should always be an option or plan B. You can not just rely on one fixed plan. There are so many uncontrollable facts, either people or situations. Situations can  change anytime. It arrives without any warnings. Suddenly it's there in  front  of your door. You have to be ready wether you like  it or not. People also change. The person that you rely on will suddenly be not there anymore. If you have one single option  in your life, you definitely will  loose everything.

I have always thought that I'm going to build my career with the gigantic institution. I travelled days and nights dedicating my passion  and sweat. I might not  be as bright as those who had been claimed to be bright. However, I had left my traces there. I produced something, I dont just play around with the image of being bright.

After so many and many years, I realized that the place was actually not meant for me. Along the way, I began  to loose my passion and in my final years I worked just to earn my cents. I realize that my passion  and love for the gigantic cubicle is just a simulacra. I thought I'm part of it, in  fact it refuses  me to be part of it. The final years were a torturing moments. I had to strive very hard to wake up and pushed myself even harder to go to work. Entering the gate was like entering a torture chamber. The money was good, I have to admit it. But that's all that you  can  get. Sell your soul to the devil and earn money.

Love life does not differ much from other dimensions of life. Never give your heart to one man. You  still have other hearts to share with. Your family, desserted children, elderly people. Focusing  on just one heart will leave you with the risk of being hurt when your one and only hope changes. Keep some extra love for the rest. In the end, when your one and  only hope leave you, the rest will catch you. What do you have to offer to the rest? The left over or the crumbs?

 

 

THIS IS MY COUNTRY

There are many versions of being Indonesian, or living in Indonesia. The versions vary, depends on  the experience of each person. Below is based on my experience:

YOU ARE IN INDONESIA IF

1. The traffic light has just  turned yellow and the cars behind you blow their horns as if you have been there for ages. Time is so precious, you have to deal with time efficiently, that's the key message.
2. Patience is everyone's middle name. Sometimes a stranger can claim that your property is theirs and block your access to your property. Justice will definitely be considered for everyone. Have patience. A thorough investigation will be conducted and eventually you will have your access back if you know how to  behave and what to do.
3. The definition of money  is not just a current medium of exchange in the form of coins and banknotes, but it is the password to your life. When you  are  in dangers, all you have to do is "buy" your life.  
4. Show your empathy to all motorcyclist during the rainy season.  Do not drive underneath the bridge. The bridge is a shelter to protect them from  the rain.  Oops... let me make some corrections. It's not only during the rainy season, during all seasons. In a hot summer day, dont let them suffer too long, let them drive fast, even at the cost  of your car. To those who walk, remember, sharing is our culture, so share the pedestrian path with them and show your understanding when they honk for they have to be home soon.
5. Private and public life are kept in balance. Everybody's life is everybody's concern. This is a communitarian society.  People will focus and put extra effort to provide you with wise words and advices when you hit the ladder of success. However they will keep it as your private life when you are  in trouble. It's all yours. Enjoy!
6. Riding in a public transportation is so much fun. It's like a free entertainment place. Most of  the time a stranger will board on it and play you songs until you are moved and spare your coins with them. Not much just coins. You wont be richer if you keep the coins, that's the Indonesian wise proverb. Oops... angkot or public cars have also their on versions to tell. They make sure that the passengers are served. They wait for everyone to board into the angkot before they depart, be it at the green traffic light or in  the middle of the street. They also pick all passengers, in all places. Not only those who  wait at the bus stop are served, but everybody. When I say everybody, I really mean it. What a sevice! Nice, arent they?
7. At work, tolerance is unbelievable high. People respect each other if you are of  the same race, religion, or graduate from the same university, or even if you are of the same batch of  recruitment. They collaborate and coordinate to help each other, at all cost to save their friends.

 There are many things to share. However, this  is my country. I may share all the public secrets but have to keep private  secrets in  the closet.

GOD'S RIGHTEOUS JUDGMENT

God “will repay each person according to what they have done.” To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, he will give eternal life.  But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger.  
There will be trouble and distress for every human being who does evil: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile;  but glory, honor and peace for everyone who does good: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. For God does not show favoritism.

WHAT DO YOU WANT LADY?

Before I took my retirement I had thought life was going to be simpler for  me. Time to enjoy my life. I wanted to do the things I want to do. I wanted to travel, I wanted to inhale the air of freedom and I wanted to teach children, I wanted to write books, I wanted to finish my dissertation, I wanted to cook for I love cooking. I wanted to take care of my son and mom. There are so many wants.

After my retirement, I cooked , I lecture and teach, I work on my dissertation, I travel, but I miss one thing, the air of freedom! The things that previously imagined were part of my freedom, has now turned into obligation. Another job if I may say.

Cooking which was my passion has begun to  strangle me. There was a time when I received orders beyond these two hands can  cope. I felt like it was the end  of my day. From that time, I told everyone that we would not take too much orders. Just enough so that we can manage it.

I am in charge of a project, teacher preparation for the new semester. It's a three month project. Knowing that these hands of mine were full, I invited friends to join. Working in a group has never been easy. Especially when I have to conduct the project. So, I ended up attending the project almost everyday to control the quality. Seven different people, each with their own style  of teaching, will definitely impact the result of the project. We'll see the end result in June 13, 2014. Are they really progressing ?

My desire to lecture has brought me back to my campus. I started teaching right after I retired. Beautiful isn't it! yes to some extent. But material preparation consumed so much of my time. They are graduate students so better be ready for any possibilities. So far, I can managed it well, but could have been better if I only focus on this area.

My dream of having my school has also brought me to a chaotic situation. Setting up a new school, curriculum, furniture, teacher, place, teaching material are all the piled of work that need to be done. Along the course  of time, I tried to get some help. So far, I have to do  things myself. Lucky enough, the nature conspires with all good intentions. I received lots of helps from people around me. So far, I have found a spot to start my school, I had done the first and second level of my curriculum, I have developed some teaching materials and have found a teacher. I am almost done with the furniture.

Hopefully it gets done  on time for the  opening, which is going to be in September.

My dissertation, this is an area of which I'm very weak at. It's hard for me to focus. Every time I try to focus, new problems pop up. Well... I have to...I'm half way through, there is no point of return. I have to ...I have to... I have to...., I told  myself. But saying does not mean finishing. So sit down and focus!!!!!

Travelling.... gosh...my plan to travel with my eldest has vanished into the thin air. We were supposed to travel in April. But I got caught up in  the middle of work. I still managed to handle my promise  to my second daughter that I would visit her. Here I am, writing down this piece in my daughter's bed room in Australia. I stayed here only for a week, for I have to take care of my project, my school, my lectures and my family. I have planned to travel with my family  in June.  Hopefully it works well.

My mom and my son were the two most understandable people on  earth. Thank you  for having you both, you both have tons of patience. I have to admit that I do not spend much of my quality time with them, and I only spare some  of  my time with them. The true fact is, they take care of me rather than the other  way round. Forgive  me God.... will do  my best.

Now... what do you want lady? If you  can not decide your mind, time will decide for you!! 

YOU ARE THE COLOR OF YOUR CARD

It's the color that make you and I different. I have noticed it for sometimes. It turns softer in one dimension of your life and appears again in another  dimension. Racial  difference. Efforts were contributed to get rid of  it. It's still there, still strong although not as strong as it had been before. However, whatever got shunted will not subside. It appears with a new face, a softer face but still kills.

In the place where I used to work, people were differentiated based on the color of their name tag. The level of respect granted was based on the color of your name tag. You are your  name tag. if you loose your name tag because you are retired or because you  quit to be part of the organization, dont expect to be respected. You are suddenly a stranger, lost  in the jungle of disrespectful people.

My previous office was not the only place. There was a case when I tried to find a parking spot. I stopped in front of a bank in which I was a client. A security guard approched and asked, are you a prime member? I asked him in  dismay, what do you mean by prime member? Are you a platinum member? he asked me again. I said, oh...you mean my card? He nodded firmly. I then realized that I'm not the chosen one. So...I drove my car to find another parking spot, a more suitable parking spot for my type of card.

Similar treatment are also part of my travelling experience. I waited in the lounge of an airline for my ticket. A crowd of people were waiting for their turn. Some could not get a seat. Behind me there is a waiting room that looks cozy. The room was empty and cookies and drinks were served on the table. I saw two ladies and their drivers. I knew they were the drivers for they went in and out, asking questions for "Nyonya" to the security guard who happened to be standing next to my seat. The cozy room are indeed cozy, and in front they put a large notice: Executive Platinum Member Only. Oops....

We get so used to be treated differently based on  your color of cards, that we take it as a common practice. A condition provided based on the amount of money that you contribute to the service provider. Service which was derived from either French or Latin originated from the word servus or slave. Those who are supposed to be our "slave" tell us the type  of service that we can have. It's not their duty to serve us. It is our duty to buy their service based on the tagged price. We are enslaved by the service that we buy based on  colors. So... you are the color of your card!

ALTRUISM FOR 2014

In 2014 I need to be more focused. I have decided that my focus for 2014 is altruism. It is not at all a new idea. It has been there for ages and I have been trying to implement it in my life. In 2014, it's going to be different. It will be my the one and sole focus. I will observe how others are doing it, learn from them and implement it.

This morning I took my son to the soccer game. I sat nearby the field and watched my son. Once in a while, my attention was diverted toward the passers by. A group of soccer team came nearby. Apparently they were the next team to play after my son. They attraced my attention, because 3 coaches were high school students from an International School. They tried hard to communicate in Indoonesian with the team comprising Indonesian children. They definitely did their best for their Indonesian was not too good but still the communication worked. They were giving instructions what to do if once their turn to play arrived.

My curiosity grew deeper as they opened a box and provided food for the children to eat. You could say right away that they were more than just happy with the food. I began to scrutinized them one by one and noticed the graphic on their shirt. So, these children belong to the international school. Another question popped up in my mind right away: Why didn't they speak English? They couldn't be students from that International School. I swiped my eyes through their faces and opened my ears widely. I began to hear the language of the street children. My mind began to draw inferences. I got closer to the children and asked them questions.

The children were from the villages nearby the International School. The students were taught how to lead and share with others. In my son's school, the students are the players, but in  this school, the students are the ones who create players out of the children from the nearby villages. That's altruism in my opinion. That's freedom in Fromm's concept of freedom. I have planned to teach altruism as one of the values in my school. Today I get a clue on how to include it in my programs.  Welcome altruism!

HAPPY NEW YEAR

I sat on  the porch in this early morning. I am enjoying the accompany of darkness and the moments of new year. The cold morning rainy air stung  my skin. My entire body shuddered.  It overpowered me, yet tt has lost its supremacy to add scent to the earth.

I love to see  the different view and feel  an unusual ambiance of the new year.  Stillness is wrapping the cold earth with its wings.  Tranquility dominated the earth. The dim blurry lights of the night were still on duty,  doing the utmost to survive in  the darkness.  Why the light was trying to be in the opposing position to  the darkness is beyond my comprehension. Darkness has its own beauty.It unveil  the secrets that have always been thwarted to reveal.  Relying on our eyes and pushing the daylight to appear through  the  lights make the power of  the perceptions subside.

I close my eyes and open my ears widely. I push my sensitivity to my skin and make it be on duty. Slowly I begin to hear  the clamours and clatters of the  night. The new year party is on. The crickets are blowing the trumpets  and the fireflies are firecrackling among the wet and wild grassy field. The bloodsucker insects whom I have been well  acquintaced with hum gleefully  in my ears.  They are not as many as they used to be, but they are there and contribute to the orchestra of  the dark.

The cold breeze arrives gently and drop some droplets of water on my skin. It penetrates my pores and inflitrate deep into my skin. It stimulates the warmth of my body to emerge and  creep soothingly throughout my entire body.  A warm cordial  night is here to greet  and me.  Welcome to the secret of the darkness, you have managed to tame it  and Happy New Year. The coming year will certainly be a combination of darkness and brightness,  the darkness is a new friend and the brightness is an old friend. We are all friends.