KEPOMPONG

2012-02-17T08:42:00.003+07:00

PLAN IT THE WAY YOU WANT!

It's been 9 years since I first wrote this blog. Many pieces were written down for my children. In fact I compiled some that had been written down for my eldest on her 17th birthday. I read them again and again this morning. I laughed while the crystal cried slowly rolling down on my cheeks.
I painted a life of honey and roses for my daughter, yet she chooses a different kind of life. I do understand that she has her own will, but I just feel sorry for everything. She seemed like running slopping down the hill. I watch her from a distance. She is miles away....
She quit her studies for the third time. She dated the wrong guy. She changes the nature and worked at nite and slept at daytime. She kept on lying, one after another and I let her go on... She hang out with people that heaven knows how.
My plan for her is not her plan. Her plan lies in the mind of her own. I let you go my princess... I let you lead your way. I believe that God will be around you.... while I am wathing you from the distance.

2012-02-17T07:19:00.003+07:00

RIP LIBRARY.NU

I had never taken any profit as much as I had with Library.nu. I believe most of the users of it will share my opinion. The previously known as Gigapedia offered millions of freebooks . Yes, they are free! They earn their profit from ads or from premium user.

A couple of days ago, I was browsing and downloading some books when suddenly the site went down. I did not know what happen and thought I might be coming back again the following day to continue browsing. But Library.nu is not available from that day onward. I still did not know what's going on, and went browsing to know the reason. Apparently a consorsium of publishers had sued Library.nu.

It is really interesting to think of the concept of offering free books. On one side it is breaking the copyright law, but on the other side, it helps zillions of people all over the world to have free access to the collection of books. I happened to read somewhere that most of the users are people from developing and underdevelop countries. So both have ethical issues to address.

Some of the people are for the copyright issues. They showed their concern for the writers who spent their time on writing their master piece and get nothing in return once it becomes the collection of Library.nu. However most filed a complain for not having access to books anymore. It is stated that the rate of complain listed as one out of ten most posed questions in Google.

As for me, it is a hard blow. For I really make use the availability of it for my studies. I get a lot of books there. I wonder why there is no cooperation between publishers and sites such as library.nu. They can collect money from users and in return users can get access to anybook without the facility to download them or whatever. Learn the behavior of users from Library.nu and make something out of it. The ethical issues will be addressed from both sides.

I began to see the picture that had been predicted years ago while I was a student studying the new communication technology. It is predicted that ebooks will trigger new ways of making books available to the public. The fact that one of the biggest book shop had to be closed down is just one phenomena. A counter reaction was then directed to Library.nu by the publishers. We have just to wait for the revenge from sites like library.nu. I wonder why both are thinking for their own profit. Why dont they just colaborate to create a betterment for knowledge?

2012-01-30T01:43:00.002+07:00

MONSTER I

This morning the church was like any other Sundays. Dominated by old people and little children. The young ones were still in their deep sleep. Those who show physical presence are sometimes not really there. Their mind are travelling somewhere else. I am one of them, though not always.

But this morning was one of the special Sundays. Monster I was there. He was everywhere actually. The pastor was trying to drive it out of the church. Our body is supposed to be the church, but most of the times we treat it like a trash can. We put all dirty stuff inside and turn us into Monster I. Jealousy was one of the faces of Monster I. We envy others for what they are, do and have. That's positive. But it turns to be dangerous when it transforms into hatred. "I hate him because he could manage to write a book. I hate her because she has everything in her life." I am the Monster I.

I forget that I am blessed. I have my children and most of all I have His blessings. It's just that mine is different from others. I should have been proud of myself and express my pride with love. Love for my neighbors, love for God in my deeds not just in my dreams. Thank you Lord for depriving the monster out of me. Thank you Lord for making me understand what to do when the monster arrives.

2012-01-23T09:35:00.003+07:00

LETTER TO GOD (4)

Dear God, Is there such a thing as moving backward? Why is my life moving backward?

All my efforts seem to be useless. Am I not good enough?

2012-01-18T09:12:00.004+07:00

NEW PLACE, NEW PEOPLE, OLD ME

I have moved to the new department. Like I said earlier, a swing from people to object oriented. Am I happy? I must say I am not in the beginning for there are so many thing that need to be caught up. Heaven know the future!
Yesterday was my farewell party with the old department. Some quite funny and entertaining programs were performed. I was being a total hypocryte. Actually I didnt want to attend it for I know I had to betray myself. Then I decided to go, for I know the kind of image that will be labelled upon me should I not. Yes, the paradox of dealing with the public is to betray oneself. I a kind of missing my old team. Forget it for it is not my destiny.
Today I hold my first meeting with my team. They are nice people, except for one of them who was trying to grab the entire atmosphere and be the centre of everything. I let him for he needs it. But you can not hold it too long mister!
The language was totally new, the job was totally new. Yes, I was there once, back to 7 years ago, but then I was not in charge of the current issues. and moreover the issues had not developed like it has today. One important thing that I learned as well, people tend to make easy thing look complicated. In this case, the projects are chopped down to small pieces and make them look sophisticate until you dont recognize the genuine face of it.
Bahhhhhhh...... the old me trying to fit into the new environment and the new people that dwell in it.

2012-01-07T20:03:00.002+07:00

ANOTHER B.S

Let me ask you to sit nicely next to me and tell you that you can not get out of your habit. You BS again, and it's getting even worse.

1. My friend went to Puncak last night and they asked me to go with them and they wanted to call you. I told them, not to for it's impossible that they would let me go. (I dont know how much you guys earn, but all of you must be stinkin' filthy. Every week end, it's either going to Puncak, to Bandung, clubbing or...heaven knows....where)

2. My friends are still asleep <-- that's the following morning at 7 am. (I wonder what they did in Puncak, left at midnite and at 7am the following morning they were fast asleep. It takes a genius to deal with your mathematics.

3. We want to buy dresses for the girls in our next event in Tanah Abang. Can I borrow your car? I said no, because I want to go to Bogor. (Later on she said, her friends were still asleep at 4pm, and when I told her that Tanah Abang is closed by 5pm, she said oh...we wanted to go to Cililitan <-- you must be talking to your friends in their dreams for they were still asleep. Btw, I hope that your events work well, Cililitan, the traditional grocery and fruit market, sells a lot of nice dresses.)

4. When we talked on the phone, I asked her about her friends trip to Puncak and she switched the topic right away. (Uncomfortable ?).

I dont want to say much except for a small comment: BS never die!!!!

2012-01-06T13:05:00.001+07:00

Letter to God (4)

Thank you God, I have settled some of my chores. The proposals and the paper are done. I need to work on two other tough ones. Will you be there to provide me with strength and bags of ideas?

2012-01-06T12:37:00.003+07:00

BREAKFAST AT THE STREET VENDOR

They are street vendors, but then the food taste probably better than a 4 star resto. I had my breakfast in jalan Lombok this morning. It is located next to two schools. Imagine, the people that gather there, they are a combination of all levels and class, rich parents, driver, nannies, people like me who are there to have breakfast. As many other street vendors, we have to strive to get seats and those seats are mobile. So, it is a common seen to see driver sit next to a well dressed lady or a group of parents mingle together.

This morning my curiosity has dragged me to open my ears and eardropping the conversation of a group of parents. The topic of discussion was holiday. Clear enough, today is the first school day after the long christmast and new year holiday.

Mother in law. They are the hot issue. One lady complained for taking her mother in law along for the holiday. Her mother in law was cranky and she ruined the entire holiday. They didnt have enough time to visit more simply because of her mother in law. The other lady continued to lead the discussion. She admitted that her mother in law is nice, still being old, they had to drag her and that made her holiday imperfect. The rest of the group seemed to have similar problems and took a lesson learnt of not taking their mother in laws in their next holiday. Poor mother in laws, they were sentenced in absentia.

The second topic went to the places that they had been. Some had been to Bandung and some other ones had been to singapore. They discuss the similarity and differences of those two holiday spots. The discussion was actually a media to express their life style, but they made it looked like a sharing moments.

I do understand that people need to gossip. I do! But listening to other people gossiping made me drag the mirror and looked inside it. I wish I didnt hear the conversation, for I plea myself as guilty. I am no better than them in fact I am one of them!!!

2012-01-03T11:37:00.002+07:00

Letter to God (3)

Dear God,

Is it time for me to cut part of my bodies as to be able to live healthily? Please give me a sign. I know it's gonna hurt me more than anything, but I know that it will help me to live longer. Another additional question, is it wrong to think of myself? I have been taking care of them for so long, is it okay if I begin to focus on myself now?

2012-01-02T21:38:00.006+07:00

ASSIGNMENTS

There are times that I suffer from severe headaches out of my adolescence decision. On the fifth the final assignment on Levinas have to be submitted. At this moment, I am trying very hard to understand and deal with the original text. I do understand the big picture of it for we have had this topic for the entire semester. But, writing about it requires more than just the big picture. I have to dig down deep into it before I could write a well analyzed argument on his thoughts.

I have decided on many things and I realized that I couldnt deal with them altogether at the same time. I wanted to start my own business and have been working on it. It takes a lot of energy, more than just the simple things that I had imagined. I have then decided on another new thing before I even finished the other one. I am faced by so many things that requires my energy to solve.

I had to face it and be responsible to what I had decided. I draw a list of things that need to be done. I started with my paper. I have to scribble it down by today and have it finish by tomorrow. Then I have to submit my proposal for the dresses and food by today. I am almost done with one of them actually. I have to move on with my dissertation and submitted it by January 2012.

Arrghhh...what have I done with my life. Trying to keep myself busy? Is this what I'm looking for in this life?

2011-12-31T15:47:00.002+07:00

LETTER TO GOD (2)

What do you mean by pain God? Still don't get your message clear! You promise that the temptations will always be bearable. Am I that strong. Please answer me!

2011-12-31T15:05:00.005+07:00

ANNIVERSARY

I made stuffed grilled mashed potates. She ordered it the day before. She asked me: " how much are you gonna charge me?"

I said:" It's free!"

Then she responded merrily : "Thanks I consider it as the joy and happiness that you share with me for today is my wedding anniversary."

I put a smiling emoticon and said:" Well you got my message dont you? Happy Anniversary! May God always be with you and your entire family, lead a life full of blessing. My regards to your husband and kids, tell them I'm happy for them."

She thanked me sincerely and I quit off the conversation. My heart sunk deep into the wild ocean. My lips were sealed. I wanted to tell her that that day was also my anniversary, but things worked differently with me. My hubby was so far away in his own world. He has been in his own world for long and I was in the office earning my pennies. I didn't mind though for I have been leading this life for more than 12 years. It's just that my friends' happiness was bothering me. Her looking so much forward to celebrating made me feel small and jealousy occupied my heart. You might say I was romanticizing this life. I will say, I was. I tried to control my emotions with my ratio and yes it worked. I didnt tell anyone about it and tried very hard to pump it out from my heart. I didn't complain to anybody except for this frozen monitor in front of me.

At nite I went home and found my second daughter in her room. My other daughter wanted to go to Puncak with her friends. I was torn in between. I wanted to say, stay with mama. I need my children. Instead I told her that I used to spoon feed you with happiness but now it's your time to define your own happiness. If you wish to go just go. (hah.. I deserve a gold medal for this heroic action... hahahaha). My son, my precious, he's in grandpa's place. He needs friends. I starred at my monitor and hoped she would say I would stay. She didn't, so I told her to be careful. I went to my room and the maid followed me into my room. She wanted to do late night groceries shopping . My husband was still somewhere out there and he would pick her in the traditional market later on. I sat again in front of the monitors. I held my phones in my hand. I was hoping that God in heaven would greet me and said: Happy Anniversary! Sounds emotional, like I said I was being emotional. Yes and what is so wrong with that? I had every right to be dominated by my emotions.

Happy anniversary my hubby. We had been married for 26 years. We had passed the critical time and we sunk into the most unbearable time of our marriage. Find your freedom... I will let you go....I'm tired of everything. I entered my frozen escapades. A bubble I created myself to ease my pain.

2011-12-29T14:31:00.002+07:00

LETTER TO GOD (1)

Dear God,

Can you help me see things from your perspecitve instead of mine?

Amen.

2011-12-29T06:28:00.003+07:00

THE FINAL MOMENTS

I began to feel the fear, the angst of what's coming. I have to take into my consideration that today will probably my last day. I hate this feeling, but it's there and I cant escape from it. I begin to adjust myself, to see everything from a distance. To perceive me from a diffent perspective than the I perspective. The strange me from the perspective of I.

The nature speaks the language of the final. Careerwise I'm almost done. Although I wont give up and never will. I plan to build another cycle of life. In the beginning I was very much enthousiatic about it. But lately I have been asking myself, is this what I really want, or is this just a self defense mechanism. Resistance resides in the beginning phase of change. Should it be part of the natural phenomena then it wont last long. It will diminish gradually swipe by the waves of change.

The family life speaks the language of the final. Except for my son, the family life seems to lead their own rythm. I'm outside of it. Maybe I am the one who remains inside of the rythm, but the rest change, they choose their own rythm. I try to grab what's left. My second daughter and my son. Deep down I know that I can only keep my son. For the rest I exist because of the pennies that I earn. Without it they will never treat me well. I have lost the best part in life, my sister. The one that I can trust, the one that really cares for me. I could compare our sisterhood with my mother daughter relationship. My mom has given me the best. God took my sister and trust me you have had the best part of life and you stopped right at the moment when they were about to vanish.

I scribbled down again my resolution for the year 2012. The unknown future that lies beyond my horizon.

2011-12-28T22:49:00.003+07:00

2011 and 2012

Christmast has just passed. New Year is coming. What have I done throughout the year of 2011 and what I am gonna do in the year of 2012? 2011 will soon be over and I will call it the past. The past is not there for nothing, but the past is an experiential learning. A journey through the time and space. Unique and has its own story to tell.
I might say that 2011 have taught me a real painful lesson. This year I learn the hard fact of reality, I am a diabetic patient. Within the last 3 months I have been consuming diabetic pills. In the beginning I cant believe that this could happen to me, but as time goes by I began to get used to it and try my best to live with it. The next question that come across my mind is: How long do you give me time to live God?
The next curse that knock at my door is the fact that I have to release those people that I love to lead their own life and ways. Loneliness began to bite my skin. No more family time and I have only my son to look after. I try to adjust myself to this reality, not easy but then I have to face it. My mother is probably the best mirror of the future. I might end up my life like here, sitting on the sofa waiting for people to pay attention to me and spend their precious time to talk to me. Yeah... it's scary but I will soon land in that part of life.
I get transformed from the job that have always been my passion into a strange world that doesnt even cross my mind to touch. Imagine, from an extreme people oriented job into an extreme system oriented job. Worst of all, I dont have the right to say what I think of it, I didnt even get a response when I wanted to find out the purpose. Again I have to place a very huge excuse into my heart and brain as not to hurt myself more.
Another battle that luckily ended up like a fairy tale is my son (allow me to say end for I dont have the capacity to think more than just today). The sentenced was announced by the doctor that he suffers from ADD. But he'll grow out of it.... I know that God would never let me carry things that are too heavy for me.
Above all the sad things that happen to my life, God gave me sweets in between. Christmast which had lately been unbearable began to appear with a friendly face. It was not my typical childhood christmast but it made me happy. I gathered with my big family and felt the spirit of christmast running in my vein before it finally stays there in my heart. Thanks God....for the happy moment.
In response to all these things, I wrote down my resolution for 2012. I am going to set up my own business. Small in the beginning but very much altruistic. In the end of 2012, my product will be in the market.

2011-12-06T08:25:00.002+07:00

DESSERT OF FORLORN

Lately, I felt like wandering alone in a dessert of the forlorn.

2011-12-05T10:35:00.003+07:00

PASSWORD

One of the most frequent use security system is password. Everytime you log on to the system you need to provide your password. Once you did it, the system is open and we are inside or part of the system.

Lately I have been thinking about family life. I was wondering what make the family system turn fragile. Is fragility part of the rythm of a dynamic system or is it part of the threat that has access to the system. I believe both work, fragility due to the threat is a manifestation of a dynamic system. I then arrived to the conclusion that you can not escape from the dynamic rythm. Follow them but then you have to lead the process, you dont just follow and be led by it, but you have to lead.

How do I lead? If the stone get drilled by the drop of water, I need to find the drop of water that drilled the frozen heart. The only thing that could do this is the power of love. Love manifested itself in various forms. As to my case I decided to use a passwrod. I might be good in arriving to a conclusion and formulating the solution but Im terriblly bad at implementing it. So that password are just password that remains in the corner of my mind, occupying a space I called the secret hiding place.

I wrote it down here in this blog, and I wrote it down in my secret password. I sang the lullaby of love to you in my heart every night. I think of you when I swallow any food and wondering if I can save a bite or two. I let my finger chant the love song and gently touch your picture with it. They are all voiceless but they are all genuine. They are my love to you. My password to bind the family, the bond that has been torn apart. The song that remains unheard, for your ears, your eyes, your brain and your heart are all occupied by that bastard. I pray to you Lord, to use your love to solve my love, to save my family.

2011-11-30T09:04:00.003+07:00

PROGRESS

My son is making a tremendous progress. His cognition, affection as well as psychomotoric progresses are amazing. Within this one week, he's been doing his homework on his own. I encourage him to do it regularly so that it becomes a habit. He is more independent now.

He gets better grades in all areas. Arithmatic, language, phonic are progressing. Chinese is a bit behind yet he is showing progress. I bought him a bike last week and he's very happy. He can play with his bike after he's done with his homework.

My next step is to encourage him to study tomorow's lesson independently. If you can pass this one, we are almost done for the rest depends on you.

ps. happy birthday to my long lost child. Hope God protect you and be with you always.

2011-11-17T08:28:00.005+07:00

FOOT BALL

Lately my son is so much addicted to football. He plays football e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y with his school mates at the school yard. This news is good news to me. But then there is always the bad news that goes along with the good news.

Lately he has problem with keeping himself awake when it's time for him to study. In the beginning I thought it was more driven by his laziness. In the second place, I thought he was too tired because he has to spend so many hours for his extra lessons after school. But then if I traced the past, he had never had this problem before. So what is it then???

As a short cut solution, I let him sleep till ten o clock, woke him up and studied until 12 midnight before he went back to sleep. There were times I had been too tired to stay awake, so I let him sleep till 4 am before he had to sit with me and study. However, this doesnt seem to last for my body began to ache.

As I was striving to find a way out, I then realized that I was trying to give respond to an unknown question. Was it really the hectic schedule or was it because he's lazy? Suddenly I remember all those stories about playing football after school hours. The story of desperate drivers and nannies who have to strive very hard to drag the children home. The stories of the change in his eating habit, the story of extra shirt to school and so many other stories that goes around foot ball.

Aha.. this is the bottom line of the story. Now I know that football is the main cause why he could hardly stay awake to study. Knowing the problem doesnt mean it's easier to find the way out. I dont know how to find a solution for this situation. My son loves football and period. Btw, my husband is a football player and that explains.

2011-11-13T22:02:00.002+07:00

PATIENCE

Patience where are you? In the office, at home and even inside of me, I was trying to locate patience. It's nowhere to be found. I am packed with so many unsettled matters and that make me end up with nothing to settle.

Throughout the entire week end, I did not go anywhere but focusing myself on the entire progress of my son. Still, we don't have enough time to do all the things. He's got 2 homework from school, lots of homework from his math class, homework from his mandarin teacher and a pile of notes to be transferred into his note books.

He's been working on part of his notes since Saturday and started to work on part of his homework. This is Sunday, he started to work from morning till afternoon. Then he began to worked on them and had not even finished until this hour. I know that my son is having problems with focusing but then I believe that there is something wrong with this educational system. A child of 7 with that much homework? It doesn't guarantee that you will create genius out of them and most of all you are creating nothing but an unhappy child tortured by schoolwork.

2011-11-08T07:24:00.002+07:00

THE GOOD NEWS AND THE BAD NEWS

It was Saturday. It was time to see the doctor for the latest result of the medication. I left my house with a pessimistic view. My son is not doing any progress. In fact it's getting a bit worse. I didn't do any efforts to check my cellphones for this is week end.

I arrived at the doctor just in time. We dont have to wait long before the doctor invited us to get in. I knew the typical questions that he was going to ask, but I was in such a doubt to tell the truth, affraid of him prescribing a higher dossage for my son. So when he bombarded me with questions, I responded with lots of uncertainty. He asked me if the teacher is seeing any progress in my son. I said I dont know for I had not been communicating with the teacher. He asked me how my son was with his sisters. I said he still is the same, teasing his sister around. He didn't seem satisfy with my responses, so he asked me to go out of the room for he wanted to check the progress himself.

While sitting outside, I tried to contact my son's teacher. As expected, she complained a lot. I told her how sorry I am and make promises that I'm not sure I can keep. As the doctor asked me to come into his room, he showed me the result of his observation. My son is making progress. I then told him my conversation with the teacher. He retorted sharply, I didnt promise to make your child a genius, but I can help to bring him back to focus. As with his lessons, you have to deal with it yourself. The medication that I prescribed is not meant to make them make the quizzes correctly. They are for his attention deficit disorder. Let's give him another two weeks to go before we decide what to do with the medication!

We went out of town on the same day. I took all his books, overreacting things as always. At night, we sat together on the dining table as the cool temperature rushed in through the windows. My son would have a quiz on phonics and he had to study more than 50 pages. I was surprised, for he could manage to do it quickly and happily. He focused and burried his face deeply into his books. Before dinner, he managed to finish almost half. My enthousiasm is augmenting. Thanks God for helping me out!

As I sat in front of the television I took my cell phone and saw a message from my son's teacher. She wanted me to come over to school on Monday. I know what it means and my heart sank deep into the ocean of uncertainty. As with my son, the rest of the days were merrier and he can handles his lessons better.

2011-11-05T08:07:00.001+07:00

AUTUMN

I went out to the garden of my yard

to explore yesterday and the past

I saw the white lilies bend down in despair

and the red roses turning pale in the air

Autumn appears with an arrow

Threatening all the flowers to bow

His claws have shaken all my desire

and deactive in me all the fire

The sound of children laughter

touch my heart and pleasure

Tapping me lightly on my shoulder

reminding me of my treasure

Winter will soon take the throne over

I have to light up the fire

bring back alive the children desire

and keep the promise of summer

My children will have to tell the tale

of conquering cold during the battle

and won the trophy of God

for we have faced it with bold

2011-11-04T07:35:00.006+07:00

AUTUMN

Life is like the four seasoned weather. I used to know spring, and I have passed summer. Currently I'm facing autumn. The time when all the leaves turned yellow and brown, the time when all the leaves fall and slowly, gradually sucked by the earth.

These last days everything seems to be out of place. My son's program, my work, my daughter and my husband. The universe seems to be against my plan. I got transfered to another department. I used to be in this department, but then I had been in a different division. So, this is totally new to me. The reason why I got transfered is the biggest composed lie I have ever heard. But deep down I know why and so do everybody in the organization.

I had been busy to start my own business. I learn from an expert and that takes most of my time. Working on your own consume lots of energy. But then freedom is there. You are not judged based on your race nor are you judged based on your faith. You work with your brain and hands, not with your lips. I cant wait for my retirement so that I can focus on my own business and family.

My eldest, she's away in the land of her own. She is no where. She has to lead her own life, I dont want to bother her. I let her grow and be her own person. A bird told me that she has a job, which is good. Hopefully she remembers that her education is an investment to her future. Everything that's instant doesnt offer the best result. I have chanted the song in her ears ever since she was a baby, but it seemed that I had chanted too much. She chose her own way, life and friends. So be it. Sooner or later I have to let her go.

My second daughter, she's doing well. But need to be motivated or else she lost her focus. To be honest, there is no other kids of mine that could be compared to her. She helps me a lot by being independent. I dont have to spend too much energy on her and things work like magic. Thank you Lord, and thanks to you my love.

My son, all that I wrote is mostly about my son and my eldest daughter. I dont need to say much about him. I just feel a bit uneasy, for these last days I am too occupied with my work and business and left him behind with his program. Nobody took care of it. Previously my eldest used to help me, but now that she's gone, I have to take care everything on my own. I had a big fight with my husband about being in charge of the family.

My dessertation has also been neglected. I felt so guilty for not being able to cope with it on time. I began to scribble down again these last couple of days, and I'm doing quite an improvement. It's not that hard, I mean the chapter that I'm working on, but somehow, the me inside is not cooperating well with the external parts.

What need to be done? I have to go on with my business. For they will be my future. I will take sewing class on Saturday to equip myself with the ability to run the business. I will work on my dessertation, and I will definitely work on my son's program, encourage my daughter to move on and deep down inside I still miss my daughter and I could never forget her in any ways.

2011-10-31T15:56:00.002+07:00

THE REALITY

It's been a week since the doctor increase the dossage for my son. I dont see any progress. The literature said that it takes at least 6 months to see the effectivity. The doctor told me that it took only two weeks to see the medication work.

I know if I tell the doctor that the medication doesnt show any impact, he will increase the dossage again. This is what im scared of, for the medication will have a hallucinative impact on my son. I watch my son on a day to day basis: he still tries to be in the opposite direction to my words. He would do it my way but then he had to rebel against me. He still played trick on his sister and that made them fight. He still have difficulties to focus and need to be assisted all the time, or else he wouldnt be able to finish his school work.

I dont know whether I should tell the doctor the truth or take my own decision and lie so that the medication will show its effectivity after six month? Lots of questions with no definite answer.

2011-10-26T08:14:00.002+07:00

WHAT'S BEST ?

If you ask me what's best for my children? I might give you a weird look, for every parents directs all their efforts to give the best. On a second thought, I can not agree more for the question entails another question, who defines the meaning of best? Is it me or is it my children?

In one of the discussion I happened to get acquaintened with the concept of dwelling. A comfort zone similar to a home. A place where egology dwell. A place where we invite others to come inside and define them based on our categorization. The reality is a totality, the reality is similar for my spectacles are utilized to see and interpret things. They all occur under the name of having a good intention to others. I dont have the intention to dominate, yet I dominate. I subjectivate others with my spectacles.

The other is not less than me in every ways. They deserve a space in which they can express their faces. Through their faces, I make my acquintances with them and at the same time I appreciate God for they are the unique and infinite creation of God. I worship God through the face of the other and I have lost my right to kill the other for it has never been my right in the first place. God creates and God knows what to do with them. I am oblige to give them room to express their uniqueness and get to know them from their own dimension and perspective.

Children are no less different. I have learned a very good lesson these last couple of weeks. They are not mine and they want to be appreciate as what they are, through their own face and perspective. If their perspective is not good enough to me, then it's my problem. As with them they will learn what's best when they stumble against the stones of life. What they learn might not be the same as what I have learned.

Lord, let me open my mind and raise my child based on what's best in his view, not in my view.

2011-10-24T01:01:00.003+07:00

IT FAILED TO WORK

Yesterday was Saturday. It's been two weeks since I last took my son to the doctor. So, I took my son again to the doctor yesterday. The main target of the visit was to find out if the given medication had worked.

As the doctor invited us to get inside his room, he asked me about my son's progress. I had asked my helper at home how my son behaved during the two week in which he was under the medication. She told me that he was doing better. As with me, I had not seen any significant progress. The progress that he gained so far was basically based on my program and had been on even before the medication was prescribed.

The doctor assumed that the medication had no impact to my son. So he was trying to find the reason. He asked me if I had continuously given the medication. I told him that last Saturday was the only day that he missed the medication. He arrived to the conclusion that the dosage needed to be increased. I began to ask him questions about the impact of the medication for I understand that it will create hallucinations and increase the suicidal tendency. He told me that it is still safe for he would increase the dosage from 10 to 15. 20 is the most that my son could bear.

The medication doesn't work be it for the dosage or any other reasons. The answer has to wait for another two week time. Hopefully this time it works. But then there is another question that need to be answered. If it works, will my son be dependent on the medication for his entire life?

2011-10-21T07:43:00.002+07:00

ANGELS ARE EVERYWHERE

ADD patients tend to be disorganized. Today they lost their books, tomorow they lost their pencils and so on and on. My son is not an exception. He looses his school diary and makes us busy with making phone calls to know the agenda for tomorow, or he looses his coloring pencils, or books etc.

Last week he went straight from school to his chinese class nearby my mom's house. So I told him to take a nap at my mom's place. He was wearing his PE uniform when he went to school and by the time he got home he has changed into another shirt and pants. I didn't pay too much attention to all those nitty grity.

Yesterday he had to go on a field trip to the museum. He was supposed to wear his PE uniform but I couldn't find it no where. I forgot the fact that he wore it last week to my mom's place. We were all busy searching for his uniform when a text entered my cellphone:

"Good morning! My daughter told me that your son had lost his PE uniform. I happened to buy two pairs of them last year and still had one that I can spare. If you dont mind, I'd like to give it to your son."

I almost felt into tears when I read the text. Thank you Lord for sending me your angel. They are everywhere.

2011-10-16T18:57:00.002+07:00

THE FIRST TERM

One term is over and that lasted for three months, commencing as of July to October. It's time for his report card. My daughter went to school to pick up my son's report card. I knew that things were not as good as we expected them to be for my daughter did not call me right away. I couldn't control my curiosity and called home."Things are not that good compar5-84ed to the previous term!

He got F for Chinese, he got A+ for music, with three Bs, 4Cs, and 7Ds."

As soon as I got home I traced his report card. He got 60 for Chinese which is F and Ds range from 65 to 74, Cs range from 75 t0 84, Bs from 85 to 93 and As from 94 to 100. My son is one level better than the lowest student in his class.

I do not pay that much attention to his grades but then the teacher does. For me his focus is the key to his success. Grade is just an indicator and it is important though not the most important part. He is below average with his grades, but he's progressing with the most important thing, his focus. Let's work it out together son.

2011-10-12T11:14:00.002+07:00

TO WIN AND TO LOVE

Help my son. Ease his pain. Tell him that You love him God. He needs so much love that words can not explain. Why do people vote for those who need to win in a competition and why dont people vote forpeople who are in need of love ? Is winning more important than love?

2011-10-12T08:27:00.003+07:00

...

Life has not been good within these last two days. Yesterday my son was supposed to take his first medication. It was not easy to find the medication prescribed by the new neurologist, but I managed to get it at Rumah Sakit Pondok Indah. The tablets has just been pusblished on the 2nd of October.

My son didn't want to swallow the medication no matter how hard you try to push him and no matter how persuasive you try to talk to him. The medication has to be taken in the morning. I did my best to persuade him and fail. My daughter helped me and we both failed. Finally my husband came and pushed him to swallow it. I almost fainted when I saw how he did it. Dear God, can't you help me with a better way of doing it?

My son got scars and bruises on his right chick. He has swollen fingers. and most of all he's so much hurt. The pain is nothing but the fact that his parents hurt him is more than the bruises. I went off the car and took my son. We both walked. I took him home and cuddled him. He told me that he didnt want to miss PE class. So I decided to take him back to school. I was late myself for work.

Lord, hurt me as much as you want to but dont hurt him. Put the cross on my shoulders and I won't complain but dont let my son carry the cross. He's only seven!

When I got home at 6.30, my son and I went into my bedroom and we studied arithmetic. He managed to finish one out of the two assignments within the time limit. I gave him a star. So far he's got almost 25 stars. Keep it up son, you need another 25 to get a bike.

2011-10-10T07:34:00.002+07:00

DOUBT

I took my son to another doctor. This is the one that I got from Tempo. I went straight from the airport to the hospital which is located in the western part of Jakarta. I had waited for almost 30 minutes before my turn arrived. I went inside with my son and was quite amazed to find a gentleman in his forties, quite young, greeted me warmly. I told my son to go out of the room and poured out my problems. He seems to know all the doctors that I had been to. He then invited my son to come in and asked me to wait outside. This is where the problems begin. My son refused to be left alone inside the room. He insisted that I had to stay with him. The doctor began to judge me. He said:"Your parenting style is probably the reason." He's already seven and he's supposed to be independent. Does he always behave like this at school."

I responded and said:"I visited his school once in a month and most of those times he wouldnt let me go." Deep down in my heart I knew that my leaving him for a couple of days was the main reason why he didn't want to let me go. I tried to explain but the doctor did not take my excuses. He retorted rapidly, explaining the child development process: "A child has to be independent when he reached the age of 4. At this age, he's not supposed to have this kind attachment anymore. "

I am not in a good mood to explain so I let him rattle. I will prove that next time he will be independent. My child is in the process of stabilizing. I am not a doctor but I'm equipped with one thing which the doctor did not, a motherly instinct. There are times that he's independent but there are also times when he's insecure and stay attach to me. We all do!

The doctor gave him a series of toys and asked him ro arrange shapes by colors. In the meantime he videotaped my son. My son was focusing on the task but once in a while he turned his head around to see if I was still there. After he's done with the task, the doctor invited me to sit by his desk and asked my son to play in the corner of the room. He said bluntly:" Your son suffers from attention deficit disorder. And I need to prescribe some medication for him. There are two types of medication: the first one will impact his appetite and the second is a new medication and it is said that it doesn't have any impact. Basically it is dopamin. I leave it to you to decide."

I responded straight away:" Give me the prescription."

He wrote down the prescription and explained that I had to get the medication in another hospital located in the norther part of the city. That's the only hospital that sells the medication. I am still in a doubt. I didn't know if I wanted to give my son the medication.

2011-10-03T19:55:00.002+07:00

THANK YOU SON

Today my son had his mid semester quiz on Bijbel and Bahasa Indonesia. He had been studying the afternoon and at nite he spent another 4 hours. It pays for today he gets 85 for Bijbel and the result for Bahasa Indonesia is still not announced. However, I am quite convinced that things would not be much different with Bahasa Indonesia than the Bijbel.

I did not know what to say when he broke the news. But one thing for sure I'm very happy. All the efforts pay and most of all he's doing progress. He feels more confident and I can feel it. It accelerates his motivation.

My son, I don't expect you to be a genius or what. I am just hoping that you could be independent in any ways that you choose to live. One thing that you can be sure of, I love you and I will do anything within my reach to make you happy and independent.

2011-10-02T15:23:00.003+07:00

LEARNING WITH FUN

My son will have the mid semester quiz for an entire whole week, starting as of tomorrow. I decided to try a new method, combining learning with exercise, which is an afternoon walk. I know it's quite risky knowing that my son has inattentive problem. He has to study among the hustle bustle of the afternoon traffic. However, I decided to give a try for if he's able to focus in the heat and traffic then he will not have any problems with focusing in the class room like any other kids. It's a kind of exercise for his inattentive problems.

So, we went for our afternoon walk. It was so hot that no longer had we walked then we had to stop for a while in Mc Donald. The heat was unbearable. Despite all the sweat and heat, my son managed to finish one chapter out of 4 that had been targeted for tomorrow. He was grumbling all the way, but I knew that he was trying to adjust. As to motivate him I promised him that if we could reach Pondok Indah Mall, I would buy him a toy. The reward is indeed powerful. As I offer him to go by busway to another direction, he asked me to focus on PIM for he was aiming for the toy.

After Mc Donald, I added another topic, Bible. He had to finish 4 chapters and managed to finish 2. This time, he wasn't grumbling anymore, on the contrary he was very happy and learned quickly. As we arrived in PIM I told him how proud I am of him and how good he had been along the afternoon walk. We went straight to the store and he bought, again, a car. He was lucky though for the shop was offering a special deal. For any purchase of two cars, one gets another car for free. So my son brought with him 3 cars. And...believe it or not, I added arithmetic and he didn't show any serious reluctance to it. Instead he memorize them well! We agreed on going to do the afternoon walk again next week. Sport and toys are his strength!

2011-10-02T15:06:00.002+07:00

INDEX FINGER

In my previous post I wrote down how I had realized that my son's inattentiveness had contributed to his reading ability. It's not that he's not able to read, but he could not focus. He sees the first or the last syllable and guess the rest of the word. I asked him to point the lines with his index finger to help him focus. It helps, he can read faster now and most of all he understands what he reads.

I discussed this issue with a lecturer I happened to meet on my trip to Yogyakarta. He looked deeply into my face and said:"You know what? That's what Japanese organization requires the employees to do. For every object that has been the focus of the attention they have to point it with their index finger. I didn't realize why they have to do it, not until I heard you talk about your son. Maybe that was the reason, to keep people focus."

2011-09-28T07:50:00.003+07:00

HIS FIRST DAY

Yesterday was my son's first day with the special therapist. I have hired a therapist twice a week to assist my son with his inattention problem. The program lasts for 1 1/2 hours each visit. I wasn't there to see how things were, but then I talked to my son and went through the first report.

The report basically says that my son ability to focus is still not under his continous control. She gave him toys that will help his ability to focus, yet she did not leave me a message the part that I have to do with my son. I truly believe that she can't handle everything within such a short period and she needs us as a helping hand.

Yesterday, as I got home, my son and I spent sometimes in my room to read his school assignment. I asked him to read twice and he was complaining. Despite the fact that he didn't like the idea to read it again, he made progress on the second try.

As I rode in the bus this morning, I realized how ignorant I had been last nite with my son. Instead of focusing on reading it, I had better focus on his understanding of the reading material. I should have asked him to draw and made a role play out of it. Eeghhhh..... how could I turn to be so ignorant!!

2011-09-27T21:44:00.005+07:00

INFORMATION...INFORMATION...INFORMATION

Tempo magazine 26 September - 2 Oktober 2011 edition, covers a two page story on ADHD, under the title The Bouncing Ball in the Class Room. The feature covers inattention as the main symptoms that need to be intervened. The people who were interviewed were basically psychiatrists who major in ADHD. They provide their professional knowledge and opinion on ADHD.

The article expressed the concerned about the number of ADHD patients that has been stated to cover only 3-5% out of the children population. A recent survey (held on December 2010 to Juni 2011) reveals more than 26,2% of children in Jakarta suffers from ADHD. The high populated children with ADHD have not received proper care. It is either parents do not understand ADHD and blamed the child of being ill mannered, or parents are ashamed to accept the fact that their children suffer from ADHD or there aren't too many professionals who can diagnose the symptoms of ADHD. In my case it was the latter.

I have been taking my son to the pediatric and to a neurologist as well as to a number of psychologists, they all said that my son seems to be "normal" ( I hate this categorization). It was later on when he's alredy 7 years the same neurologist told me that something is wrong with my son and the same pediatrician wanted to give my son medication. As the development of a child brain is slowing down at the age of 7, I realized that I had to spend more effort on his intervention. This shouldn't have happened if only the media or the department of health would have paid a little bit attention on such issues. It is the public right to get proper information on growing issues. Don't they believe that children are the future generation? During the earthquake in Japan, all efforts were primarily aimed at supporting children since they realized that children are their future.

I'm not a beginner with the internet, yet, I could hardly find any informative stuff on ADHD from Indonesia in the internet. I do to some extent but most of them break my hope for they told you that ADHD children tend to be drug addicts, deal with crimes and all the negative stuff. I prefer to read information from other advanced countries for they give me information and a bit of solution, since the real solution is unreachable due to the distance.

I have to thank Tempo for providing quite an informative feature on ADHD. They even broadcasted the fact of the surveys and give information on the very few school that will accept ADHD student. So far, I only know one that specializes in learning difficulties in Sekolah Pantara and Sekolah Dasar Pela Mampang.

As for me, it was really reliefing to know that we do have some good professionals who specialize in ADHD. Some of the names are mentioned in Tempo. I searched for the name on the internet and registered my son for consultation next Saturday for this Saturday I have to be out of town.

Finally, I still keep the hope that my eldest daughter who majors in graphic design would work on information on ADHD for her final project paper. She could contribute a lot to so many parents.

2011-09-26T21:09:00.002+07:00

STUMBLING BLOCKS

I have never believed that life proceed without upheavel. All that is smooth is nothing but a fatamorgana. It appears as if it is smooth for many reasons. Either we don't know much about it, or we imagine things the way we expect them to be, ignoring the facts. The program that I designed for my son has to face stumbling blocks. The fact that I work and has to be out of town at least once a month or twice a month have disturbed the progress of my program.

Last week, I had to go to Bandung for my work. I had to be there for 3 nights but I made sure that I stayed only two nights. But those two nights had altered some of the programs. This week end I have to be in Yogya, again for two nights. This means I have to arrange a new time slot for his program. Next week I will be away for another 3 nights. Hopefully I can rearrange everything so that he won't be behind in his school work.

2011-09-21T09:05:00.006+07:00

CONSISTENCY

Behavior formation has the urgency to include consistency! No matter how excellent the programs are, or no matter how good you are in guiding the programs, it will fall into pieces unless you add consistency into it.

Reward system for my son has been developed together with him. Lately he's been asking me for a new bike. I promise him that I will buy him a new bike if he manages to collect 50 stars. Each star represents his achievement in one subject area. Everyday if he manages to finish one or two subject areas he will get the stars. I have been implementing this reward system and it works quite well. I need to manage the consistency so that it will impact his behavior. If he manages to get 50 stars within a month I will consider it as excellent. For 50 stars in a month indicates that he review 2 subjects in a day. That will be enough to catch up for his lessons.

My son seems to enjoy the program. He begins to see the stars as his aim in studying. I have the intention to include sport to be part of the program. It will serve as an indicator to his strength. As for me, I begin to see the other side of my son. Instead of his inattention and hyperactivity, he can be managed if we show our patience for he now has a motivation, a reason to do his best, though it is still a very short term reason and a material based reason. I am hoping I could accelerate his motivation further as it touches his existence, a reason for living, a reason to become a better person as to be able to contribute to life. Consistency will lead him to reach for his real stars.

2011-09-20T09:41:00.007+07:00

NEUROTRANSMITTERS

Neurotransmitters are chemicals that transmit messages from one neuron to another. Human brain comprises 50 neurotransmitters that connect separated billions of nerve cells in the brain. Neurotransmitters can directly or indirectly affect neurons of the brain, affecting behavior. Norepinephrine and dopamine are neurotransmitters responsible for ADHD. While norepinephrine is exicitatory neurotransmiters, dopamine is inhibitor. ADHD are caused by imbalances between the two and play a large role in attention and focus.

The picture and the following process depict the mechnism of impulse transmission taken from mental disorder encyclopedia:

Neurotransmitters are chemical that transmit messages from one nerve cell (neuron) to another. The never impulse travels fro the first nerve cell through the axon-a single smooth body arising from the nerve cell-to the axon terminal and the synaptic knobs. Each synaptic know bommunicates with a dendrite or cell body of another neuron, and the synaptic knobs contain neurovesicles that store and release neurotransmitters. The synapse lies between the the synaptic knob and the next cell. For the impulse to continue traveling across the synapse to reach the next cell, the synaptic knobs release the neurotransmitter into that space, and the next nerve cell is stimulated to pick up the impulse and continue it.

Understanding of the mechanism can help prescription of medication for ADHD. Based on Wikipedia an ADHD patient requires psychostimulant medications such as asmethylphenidae (Ritalin/Concerta), dextroamphetamine (Dexedrine), and Adderall (a mixture of dextroaphetaine and racemic amphetamine salts) to help increase levels of norepinephrine and dopamine.

Not much do I know about ADHD and the medication used to treat the patient. I hold strongly to the view that I wont use any medication for my son.

2011-09-18T12:08:00.006+07:00

TIME MANAGEMENT

Today my son had to do his arithmetic homework. My son had been joining the KUMON class ever since he was 5 years. He has gone through number recognition, addition, subtraction and currently he's doing multiplication. He has been quite good in all those separate levels. But problems appear when he has to apply them in real life which in this case mix all the levels in one case.

Being an ADHD patient, my son has problem with his short term memory. Every time he moves to the next level and is busy with that level, he forgets the previous level. As with Arithmetic, he remember the subtraction and multiplication but he forgets everything about addition. As soon as he sees cases with addition he claims right away that he doesn't understand it. I'm still trying to find out how to deal with it.

Aside from the above problem, I manage to find a way out for his time management in doing his work. I read somewhere in the internet that you have to control an ADHD patient focus with a time limit. I try it with my son today. He loves competition, so I challenge him to finish his homework within a time frame and if he wins, we will be doing a game this afternoon. To my amazement he could finish his homework 15 minutes beyond the set time. I am very happy for normally he does it longer.

Time limit is a good tool to make him focus on his homework. Time management is a good tool to help him focus. Since he wins, we both agree on reward scheme. I understand that a long term reward scheme doesn't have any impact on ADHD children, therefore I develop a small rewards that will lead to a big reward. We both agree on the stars that he could gain every time he finishes his work within the time limit.

We both sat in front of the computer and developed the forms. He needs to collect 50 stars to get a new bike to replace the old one. Today he collected 2 stars because he can finish his arithmetic and language lessons on time. We both had a chance to read a story about the invisible alligators that I found on the net. I know that I have to find a story related to the program of improving his inattentiveness. For the time being I took that story simply because he likes it.

Thank you son for making my day!

2011-09-17T20:53:00.003+07:00

EXTRA... EXTRA...EXTRA

My son's therapist dropped by today. She wanted to see my son's behavior at home. We then got involved in a discussion about my son. It seems that we both agree that my son suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder with mild hyperactivity. She added some of her assumptions. She believes that going to an international school has added my child confusion and my son doesn't suffer from dyslexia.

The next step she proposed a home schooling program for my son. With her background in education for children with special needs, she is willing to help my son. In her opinion, my son will have more problems when he sits in the fourth grade later. I agree with her though not entirely.

I decided to discuss it with my husband prior to my approval to her proposal.

My husband suggested me to take the two times a week program instead of three times for one main reason: my son's education requires extra money, extra effort and extra time. He has taken extra classes for arithmatic, swimming lesson, extra chinese lessons and now we have the inattention intervention program twice a week. His days are full with extra this, extra that and extra who knows what.

2011-09-17T09:49:00.003+07:00

SWIMMING

This morning we went swimming. Our target for swimming is preparing my son for the next level. We are motivating him to join a swimming club with the understanding that swimming is his passion. We are hoping that he could gain his self confidence through it.
The teacher began to push him to do the breaststroke. In the beginning he refuse to do so, for he is comfortable with the freestroke. The teacher persuade by encouraging him to compete with most people who can swim freestroke. The teacher seemed to press the right button, for my son right away swam in breaststroke.

My son loves to compete and win. It's both positive and negative. In sport he'll manage this enthousiasms well, but at school, it might turn to be a factor that will pull him down. Learning difficulties that accompany his ADHD made him learn differently than other children. He requires more time than any other children, so is also with the method of learning. I have to make sure that his schoolwork is chopped into small pieces and made him work on it. I also have to make sure that learning is fun. Therefore I have included games as part of the process of learning.

Today the therapist will come to our house to see how my son behaves at school. She promised to be at our place at 10. My son will have his chinese class at 2 o'clock. It's gonna be a hectic day for him, but hectic is the exact word for his remedy.

2011-09-16T08:21:00.009+07:00

PREDOMINANTLY INATTENTIVE

All the professionals that get involved in my son's difficulties have given me contradictories assessments. While waiting for their formal reports I'm doing anyways I can to find it out. I found diagnostic criteria issued by the American Psychologist Association, and compare my son's symptoms against the criteria. Each criteria is graded H for High; M for Medium and L for Low. A couple of criteria are not graded for my son doesn't show such symptoms.

1) Six (or more) of the following symptoms of inattention have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with developmental level:

Inattention

a) Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities (H)

b) Often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities (H)

c) Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly (H)

d) Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions) (H)

e) Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities (H)

f) Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework) (H)

g) Often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (eg, toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools) (H) h)Is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli (H)

i) Is often forgetful in daily activities (H)

2) Six (or more) of the following symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with developmental level:

Hyperactivity

a) Often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat (M)

b) Often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected

c) Often runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective feelings of restlessness) (L)

d) Often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly (M)

e) Is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor" (M)

f) Often talks excessively (H)

Impulsivity

g) Often blurts out answers before questions have been completed (L)

h) Often has difficulty awaiting turn

i) Often interrupts or intrudes on others (eg, butts into conversations or games)

My son appears to suffer from Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, Predominantly Inattentive Type. We'll see what the experts have to say!

2011-09-16T07:25:00.003+07:00

LITTLE STARS

Today my son had a quiz on language. This time it's Indonesian. Fortunately the teacher informed me ways before the quiz, so I have time to prepare my son. When he's doing his work, I always stay close to him, to help him focus, to redirect him to the page that has to worked on. A reminder that he has to go on to the next part, instead of getting carried away too far from the topic.

When he's reading I suggested him to use his finger to trace the lines so that he doesn't get lost. You'll notice the difference. Without the assitance of his finger, he manage to read the first syllable and guess the rest. He read the word "bilamana" as "bilangan". His level of vocabulary and semantic mastery has not brought him to the ability to make a proper guess based on the first syllable. The automatic word generator function has not fully developed yet or maybe need more assistance to develop. Again I'm dependent on the professionals to help me see his problem from a holistic point of view.

Another little progress that makes me very happy is his ability to express himself. In the past, if I asked him how he was doing in school, he would not respond. He just shrugged his shoulder and left or pretended that he didn't hear my question. But last nite I asked him how he was doing in school and he said, he could do 10 questions out of 12 during the quiz. At this stage I don't care about his grades for I'm fixing his learning process. Grades will only serve as a thermometer to check the temperature of his learning process.

Let's celebrate the stars you manage to collect in your bucket this week end son!

2011-09-15T10:52:00.002+07:00

SPORT

Children with ADHD tend to have a stronger right brain hemisphere. This is a good point to start building his confidence.So far the right brain hemisphere is also my son's strength. At home he has gained a number of trophies for games that require physical activities. I take him swimming every Saturday and he used to play football on Saturday as well. He enjoys doing sport. although it's not easy when he's moody.

Lately my son shows a strong enthousiasm on swimming. He loves to compete and he's doing good in free style. When week end is approaching he reminds me of our swimming time. His motivation is an achievement. We need to climb up the next ladder so that his motivation is not going to die out.

My friend told me that during one of the show on local television there is a down syndrome swimmer that could win the gold medal in International competition in Athens. I found out that the girls name is Stephani Handoyo. She goes to an ordinary school and she has the ability to play the piano as well. It is not easy for children with imbalanced brain hemispheres to play the piano. Two thumbs up for her mother who dedicate her entire life to develop her daughter.

As for son's musical ability, I probably would put my son in a percusion class. Just give him the chance to explore the world.

2011-09-14T07:22:00.003+07:00

IT'S NOT EASY

I know it's not easy to define what's disturbing my son. I expected, at least, that professionals that come from one clinic could probably collaborate and decide my son's problems. Yesterday my son is supposed to follow a therapy for the first one. It took him almost 2 hours in total. I wasn't with him, so I heard the news from my daughter and through my phone conversation with the therapist.

The therapist said my son doesn't have ADHD nor does he has dyslexia. Instead his intellectual quotient is a bit beyond standard. Every mother, including me, takes this as a punishment.

Throughout my conversation with her, I explained all the details of my observation. Guess what? She sounded like she doubt her own conclusion. I might have redirect her opinion as an impact of my refusal to her punishment or she didn't have sufficient information to arrive to her conclusion. In the end of our conversation, she began to redirect her conclusion.

It is not easy to find out about my son. As with me, I'm not a professional, I'm waiting for, in fact I'm paying for professionals to let me know his problems. I kinda get lost in this game of life.

2011-09-12T17:22:00.012+07:00

DSM-IV-TR

Today I get to know a new terminology related to ADHD, DSM-IV-TR. It is an acronym that stands for Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) a common language and criteria to standardized classification of mental disorder, developed by American Psychology Association. Yup, categorizing people is the main paid occupation of professionals.

This DSM professionals classify ADHD into three main clusters, symptoms of either inattention (type A) and hyperactivity (type B) and a combination of both (Type C). Symptoms of inattention (Type A symptoms) include an inability to remain focused on any type of task, difficulty organizing behavior and planning action, as well as ease of distraction. Hyperactivity-impulsivity symptoms or Type B symptoms include an inability to control voluntary motor activity and spontaneous generation of socially-inappropriate behaviors. Type C symptoms is a combination of Type A and B. Research indicated that ADHD occurs mostly to male rather than female. The symptoms may continue to manifest into adulthood but the symptoms lessen and remain only 15% at the age 25.

Literature mentioned two main causes of ADHD, genetic and brain lesion. My son seems to suffer from perinatal brain lesion because of Hypoxic-Ischemia. Hypoxia refers to a lack of oxygen in the blood while ischemia refers to a reduction in blood supply to a particular tissue. HI can occur during perinatal phase, including the childbirth. I have a vague recollection of what the doctor told me once. He had mentioned something about birth trauma which didn't make any sense at all to me at that time. Aparently it is the Hypoxic-Ischemia. The absence of oxygen and blood impacted the death of the brain cells and caused ADHD.

One of the impacted area is the Prefrontal Cortex (PFC). The functions carried out by the prefrontal cortex area is executive functions. Executive function relates to abilities to differentiate among conflicting thoughts, determine good and bad, better and best, same and different, future consequences of current activities, working toward a defined goal, prediction of outcomes, expectation based on actions, and social "control" Other impact affected the sttriatum, the major input station of the Basal Ganglia System. The basal ganglia are associated with a variety of functions, including voluntary motor control, procedural learning relating to routine behaviors or "habits" such as eye movements, and cognitive emotional functions. Experimental studies show that the basal ganglia exert an inhibitory influence on a number of motor systems, and that a release of this inhibition ‘s permits a motor system to become active. The "behavior switching" that takes place within the basal ganglia is influenced by signals from many parts of the brain, including the prefrontal cortex which plays a key role in executive functions.

Hah... it took me a couple of days before I could gather all the information. The above case is my understanding on my son’s case and the above information need to be confirmed by the neurologist It shed light into my perspective on my son’s ADHD issues. He’s seeing the therapist tomorrow. Therapist deals with his inability to stay focus. We’ll see what happen.

Image taken from http://www.empowher.com/media/reference/conduct-disorder

2011-09-11T22:27:00.003+07:00

PATIENCE

My life has turned so colorful as I raise my son. Today he has to do some homework for tomorrow, reading and math. According to the psychologist both are his weak points. So we started doing his homework at 7 and hoping it would last till 9. Again I used the standard studying hours.

We started with Math. I chose the corner of the room in which there were only my son and me. In the beginning I wanted to explain the answers but then he blurted right away saying that he knew the answer. So I let him worked on his own.

He kept on coming back to me to ask for explanations and since I was focusing myself on other things I easily lost my patience. My husband entered the room and joined us. I was busy talking to my husband and again I ignored my son. He came back again and again for some more explanations. I really lost my temper and shouted at him to work on his homework.

After a while I realized that he couldn't think properly because of my temper. He couldn't answer the easiest question simply because he was afraid of me.

Theoretically speaking, I know exactly that a mother is not supposed to loose her temper, but practically it's not easy. And patience is the utmost when dealing with ADHD children. I remember vaguely the lines that I read in some references: "The teacher will play a big role in teaching children with learning difficulties, however parents are the most. Therefore parents have to be in a healthy and good condition in order to help their ADHD child."

My son's nose was bleeding again so I sent him to bed. As I watched him going to sleep I regretted myself for not having enough patience. I'm sorry son!

2011-09-11T10:10:00.005+07:00

THE INTERVENTION

I have set up a meeting with a friend yesterday. I wanted to develop a syllabus for my son. Who knows that syllabus could contribute to all other sons who have similar problems as my son. We met in a quite fancy restaurant. She was with her son, similar age to my son and resembles a lot to my son. That little boy was playing with his laptop in the corner beside his mom while I was sitting right in front of his mom.

She explained the methodology of developing a syllabus. I slowly digested her explanation and got a rough picture of the methodology. Just to make sure that my understanding is proper I began to explain how to introduce the methodology to my son's condition. I must say, yes, my elaboration is in accordance to the methodology. So happy I was that I went home and couldn't wait any longer to work on the syllabus. Unfortunately however, I bumped against the stumbling blocks.

The first block came from the fact that I haven't received any confirmation from the neurologist what my son's problems actually. No matter how firm I am with my son's situation I still have to count on any possibilities that is based on his professional (I hate this word ) judgments. The second block came from the fact that since I am not firm on the cause how could I define the intervention program for my son. The third, I definitely can start with the symptoms such as hyperactivity, attention and learning disabilities but how can I define the strategy and the program unless I know the main location of the problem that impacted his psychomotor hyperactivity?

My friend silently wrote down something on a piece of paper and showed it to me. She said, my son is just like your son.

2011-09-11T09:08:00.008+07:00

ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER (ADHD)

When my son was only 2 years old, I saw strange symptoms. He could hardly control himself and when he was in anger it could last for hours. Later on I knew that it was called Tantrum. I decided to take him to a pediatrician and neurologist.

The pediatrician gave him some vitamins and since I didn't understand what they were all about, I ended it after the second or third bottle. The same pediatrician also found out that my son suffered from bronchitis and was infected by worms beside a severe nose bleeding (mimisan). Later I knew that all the symptoms led to anemia. The prescribed vitamins was basically zinc to support his brain development. The doctor has never told me that he suffers from ADHD, but indirectly he said, whatever you call it, he has problems with his left brain development and we need to create balance out of the two brain hemispheres.

Then I took my son to the neurologist who at the beginning said that nothing was wrong with my son. He's perfectly okay. That was the news that every parents would love to hear. And that news also contributed to my decision to stop the vitamin from the pediatrician after the second or third bottle.

As five years have gone, I saw stronger symptoms that last longer than before. So I took my son to the same pediatrician and neurologist. The same pediatrician gave my son medication and the same vitamin. I only gave my son the vitamin. When I went back to the neurologist, he sensed something is wrong with my son and suggested me to take him to the psychologist.

I took my son to three different psychologists even before the neurologist asked me to do so. When he was 2 years old, the psychologist told me that there was nothing wrong with him. Again this is the news that put me in the comfort zone and made me unaware of the long term impacts of my ignorance. However, the inner me was a bit disturbed for the symptoms were still there and I decided to get a second opinion and went to another psychologist. This time she suggested me to have an IQ check and gave me an address for my child to have a fingerprint test. I didn't know what it was and took my son to have one. The result didn't answer my main questions but then he gave me a series of information about my son, what he's good at and what kinds of potential he has. With this, I decided to stop finding any further information about my son's health for the symptoms were slowing down (I should have said dormant). However there was a time when I took another psychologist home to observe my son and she gave me the suggestion to put my son under a hypnotherapy. I didn't believe her and decided not to continue with her.

The last psychologist was suggested by the neurologist. She observed and talked to my son for almost an hour and arrived to the conclusion that my son suffered from dyslexic problems.

There are many mixed up feelings. I went to some literature on ADHD and Dyslexia and quite confirm that my child was having a brain development problem and I felt guilty for not knowing it earlier. His lack of brain development impacted his behavior and indicated ADHD symptoms and impacted his learning ability, specifically his reading ability and therefore he was sentenced as dyslexic patience.

I have learned many things through the process of understanding my son's health. To begin with, I felt sorry for some professions that are driven by commercial purpose and prescribed patience to follow programs that they probably get a particular percentage out of it. Other human life is affected by their decisions. It disturb me a lot and I regret this facts, however life has to go on. Finding solutions for my son is more important than thinking of their irresponsible actions.

I have decided to find out my son's strength and develop them further rather than focusing my effort on turning my son to be just like any other ordinary children. People are categorized by those who hold the power , according to Foucault. Profession is just one of those people who has the power to categorize others. The fact that they could not explain why ADHD people like Einstein and Galileo could flourish out of their creativity, is ignored. The potentialities of ADHD children are ignored, and they focus on their shortcomings.

My son, you don't have to be like any other children, you can be yourself who could be better than any other children.

2011-09-09T22:09:00.002+07:00

DYSLEXIA

I arrived late and waited outside her room. My son was inside. After a couple of minutes the psychologist peeked through the door and invited me to get inside. That was probably the longest moment ever. She looked straight into my eyes and said: He suffers from dyslexia. I do know that word and the meaning, but my knowledge about it is very shallow. So she begin explaining it to me.

"Dyslexia is learning disability caused by reading problems. A child is said to suffer from Dyslexia when the child has problems with reading. There are three proposed cognitive subtypes of dyslexia: auditory, visual and attentional. Dyslexia is not intellectual problems for they are mostly children with average or above average IQs. Einstein is just one example of a dyslexic child. Your son suffers from auditory dyslexia."

I sat there in denial to her statement. Deep down in my heart I objected strongly: "You cant do that to my son. You cant punish him further." As soon as I began to gain my senses, I asked her tons of questions about it. Basically my questions were directed to the possibility of overcoming his dyslexic problems and made him be just like any other kids.

As I arrived home and began to search for some information about Dyslexia, my mind flew to a name: Foucault. He mentioned the fact that people are categorized. The metodhology to categorized people is based on knowledge determined by power. A doctor has the power to define normal to sick. As with Dyslexia, people are ignoring the fact that Dyslexic children has their own talent compared to other ordinary children. Some are really good in sport, some in music and some other in art. I need to explore my son's strength instead of focusing on his weakness. Move on Son.

2011-09-09T07:43:00.004+07:00

IN THE BEGINNING

He was more than just wild. He gave me a sharp look and I dont see any signs that he's going to cease talking back to me. This is it. I have to see the expert.

I took my son to the doctor who is at the same time a pscychologist. He gave my son some medication and another bottle of vitamin which contains mostly zinc. I went through the internet to see the impact of the medication and decided not to give my son the medication. So I took my son to a neurologist nearby my house. I had explained the entire situation then he invited my son to get inside. He had a conversation with my son. Some questions were excellently answered, some were not.

He asked my son to write his own name, my name and his dad's name. He could manage to write his name and my name. Then he asked my son to do substraction and addition. He could finish the substraction then he said, he forgets everything about addition. Then the doctor gave him some instructions and asked him to follow them. It is rather complicated I must say. This time he managed to do it well. Then he told me that my son need to see the psychologist. So I went to the front desk and set for an appointment.

On the way home, my mind was wondering about my son. What's wrong with you? What do I have to do to help you? I took you to the same doctor 5 years ago and he said that there was nothing wrong with you. I took you to the psychologist and she said that there was nothing wrong with you. I took you to another psychologist and she said that you had to follow an IQ test. I took you to the fingerprint test and he said everything is balanced with your life and he showed me your strength and weakness.

What is so wrong with you son? Lord help me out, show me the things that need to be done for his sake. I know it's gonna be a very long and tiring journey. Im ready to face it. This is just the beginning, there is always a beginning which sometimes ends up with no end.

2010-10-21T08:12:00.002+07:00

I LOVE YOU AND IM PROUD OF YOU

I thank God for having all my children in my life. There is always an event or incident that make one among them pops up to the surface level. My eldest, she is 23, she is beautiful and delicate. Of course she has her shortcomings, who doesnt. She is impulsive but deep down she is soft and cares a lot to others. She loves her brother and sister and takes care of them well. She is a thermometer that indicates my being a mother.

However life is not always good to her. There are times she gets real big punches in her life. My youngest who happens to be 7 years old has quite an attachment to her. I thank God for this, for my son needs more than just me to take care and look after him. But people perceive such closeness in a negative way. They make stories and create gossips that my son is actually my grandson and he is my daughter's son. It is easy to say...ignore them. But reality is harder than just words. The rumors and gossips spread out like germs, it affected her love life, her studies and most areas that she goes to, most crowds that she belongs to. I know she is unhappy about it, but I wish I could tell her that my heart is bleeding to see her carrying the cross.

Dear God, help my daughter, provide her with strength so that she can face the world. Give her your blessings Lord. I am not asking you to take away the cross from her, but give her strength to carry the cross.

Put, I am so proud of you. How you take things lightly and how you sacrifice yourself for your brother. I am definitely sure that God will be with you in every steps you take and we, your dad and I, will always be there for you. You are my daughter, you are my precious. We love you.

2010-07-21T07:49:00.004+07:00

OF SWEAT AND BLOOD

Most people love to lead a leisure life. But not too many would spend their sweat on it. So some cheat on others. The announcement that there is an opening in an international organization has awaken me of my tranquility. After a week of deep thought I wrote down my application and sent it to the appointed mail address. After a week I didnt receive any response and felt a bit disturbed. So I decided to give up my hopes.

Yesterday, I received a positive response. The international organization had considered my application and requested me to follow a written interview. A form was attached and I had to fill in the form. I filled the form right away and sent it. It was no longer than two hours when they replied to my mail and congratulate me. I was so happy until I found another mail that notified me that they would consider my application and would let me know as soon as they can. I am astonished by the fact that there were two contradictory mails. So, I decided to discuss it my friend, who happened to receive a positive confirmation earlier.

She was startled by this fact. We soon realized that there was something wrong with all these offers for they asked as to send some money for the induction program.This is the point where we both realized that they are nothing but a bunch of cheaters. My friend hurriedly went to the bank to cancel her wired transfer. Lucky enough, she could get her money back.

As with me, thank you Lord for reminding me that there is no free lunch. I have to get back to my current post and shed my sweat and blood to earn my life.

2010-07-19T15:48:00.002+07:00

SAD AND HAPPY

My application to be part of an internasional organization has not received any responses yet. I sense that they have refused to hire me because of my age and my background that doesnt fit the demanded competencies. Anyway, this is what life is all about, sometimes you win and some other time you loose.

I presented some materials on change in a local company yesterday. They gave me quite an enormous amount of financial reward. An amount that went beyond my prices all this time. Im happy not because of the money, but simply because I feel that I exist.

I talked to a friend who managed to pass the entry test for the vacancy in the international organization. Deep down in my heart I'm happy for her. Life has been not really that good for her and I think she deserves to get that position. It will serve as an eye opener how my organization has been neglecting their best employees, simply because they couldnt catch up with the way those progressive people think.

I only have my dissertation to work on. Im going to focus on it. And I have my family to take care of, yes financially I have to take care of them. Sometimes I feel it's unfair... because none of them have ever...ever given me just a little bit of attention, be it on my birthday or during christmast time. I have never found a small gift from my family me on christmast time. Sometimes I believe that they just want to make a surprise for me... so I probably would get it by tomorrow ...and I waited...tomorrow...the day after tomorrow and on the third day..I stop hoping that I will get something from them and I cut off my illusionary dream.

Hah..happy and sad, they are part of me...and they are part of everybody... im happy and im sad...

2010-07-13T07:35:00.002+07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Yesterday was my birthday. Goodness, time flies. I received quite many birthday wishes from friends and from people that I dont remember anymore. Anyway, it's there, thank you for your kind attention and most of all thank you for your little prayer. They do mean a lot, especially when it is based on sincerity.
Like many years that have gone by, I expect to see surprises when I got up, but again like many other years, the surprise is not there. Life just goes on, like yesterday, the day before yesterday and many other days in the past. So I wiped off my expectations and put my boring "attire" to face the day.
This morning, I woke up rather early, and stay in bed. The perenial question was there again my head. It had been there yesterday, on the way home from the dentist. We both met on the training event prior to the 1985 SEA Games.
me: "What was your first impression on me when we first met?"
hubby: "You have your own world, you hardly hang around with others. You went straight to your room and not an easy person to get close to."
me: "Is that so?" ( I was hoping that he wanted to make some corrections on his statements)
hubby: "yes", he responded abruptly.
This morning as it came back, I remember the psychologist statement:
psy: "It's really suprising to know that you are a Public Relations practitioner. You dont seem like you have the call to do this profession."
me: "But I did, and i'm happy with it."
psy: "yes, but you could be happier if you do other things."
I wonder if I really have been such a personality that hard to deal with. The only thing that I know, I enjoy doing things on my own and I love to explore this life alone.
God, thank you for allowing me to inhale another year of fresh air. Thank you for allowing me to explore the painful and the beauty of life. Bless me Lord!

2010-06-25T20:33:00.003+07:00

A LETTER TO MY SISTER

Dear Sister,

I'm sitting on my own in this lonely planet. I actually had a lot of papers to finish, but then my mind has stopped working. In fact it refuses to work these last days. A disturbed feeling has been toying my heart and made me ride on an emotional roller coaster. Is it because of the papers? Have my studies burnt my head and my mood? Is it me? or Is it my family? Is it my work? I am darn bored with everything.
I miss you sister! I really miss you sooo much. I don't know whom I can share my problems with. I hope you are doing well up there. I hope you are not in pain anymore. I feel so lonely.
Our brother is now at my home. My pain of loosing you has turned even worse, when I saw him. I remember the time when we visited him just for 3 days. We went to the cheese factory and we went to see our relatives. We went to see the flowers in Lisse. Those were happy times. I remember him watching you and I closely and deeply. I remember his expression when he said, I could hardly believe that both of you are here with me. I had to admit that I was so happy at that time.
Remember when we, mom, our brother, you, the kids and I, spent our holiday at Rosa's place together? You and I had a big fight. I told you that I don't need you for I think you were taking over my freedom. I regret saying those things sister. At that time, I really felt that you were squeezing us too much. I know that you didn't really mean to do it. But that's what you are. You always try to lead. In most cases I had been so proud of you sister and I love you.
I can not mention the moments one by one... since they are so many... and they are all beautiful moments. I still have those stories about our holiday in New York, then another one in LA. That one I was with my children and Mom. Thank you sister...for all the love, for all the beautiful moments.
Forgive me sister, forgive me God. I couldn't be there for you when you needed me most. You just don't know how painful I felt inside, how much I regret myself for not being able to be close to you. And it hurts even more when your husband told me that until the last 5 minutes of your life, you were still waiting for me. I would do anything just to turn the clock back to the past and be there for you. I swear I didn't know that you were in your final stage at that time. I couldn't put myself on the plane. It was the highest season of the year, it was December sister, it was Christmast. Your husband told me that I am the one you love most in your life. I love you too sister.
Your daughter told me that your family celebrate christmast in your bed, because you were to weak to move. I know all those stories, a couple of months after you passed away. When I talked to you, you sounded not good, but then it happened a couple of times and you got better again. You wanted me to come in April 2010, because you assumed by that time you would have been better and we both could have traveled together.
Sister, you still owe me a trip together to Europe. We planned it two years ago before you knew that you suffered from CA. Then we postponed it to the following year, then we postponed it again to 2010. April has passed sister. June has almost passed. I don't miss Europe, I don't miss Greece, I miss you, our being together, laughing, gossiping and sometimes we had little fights that glue our heart even stronger.
Sister, time is flowing aimlessly, I miss you and miss you.... and miss you even more...as time goes by I realize even more how much you mean to me...

2010-05-11T07:30:00.004+07:00

WAKE UP!!!

Ever since my children were little kids I woke them up in the morning. It's not always been easy since they all love to sleep. Who doesnt? As they grow up, I hardly wake them up, since I realize that they have become their own person. But then, the essence of waking them up never stops.

As grown up, they begin to fall in love. Love has the tendency to make people sightless. Some even fall asleep and and landed in the space of dream. My daughter is not an exception. She dreams the beautiful dream of love. She truly believes that what she sees in the dream is nothing but the reality. She doesnt realize that reality will only turns into reality once you jump into it.

I try to wake her up. If only she had been the same little kid, I would have waken her up everyday. I knew that I would turn into nothing but a nuisance to her. But...alas it's so hard to make her understand that it's not for me....it's for her....

2010-05-10T07:52:00.006+07:00

IT'S KILLING ME!!!

"All I he wanted to do is free literature from the tyranny of a single school of thought, to open debate"

Arrghhhh.... again another assignment to get over with. This time I have to present a chapter on methodology in culture studies, poststructuralism and postmodernism. Normally I dont really mind reading in fact I enjoy it much. But this topic is really killing me, for it shattered down the mainstream ways of thinking which focues on one objective universal approach into subjective multiple approaches. So...what is it? I dont know for definition is like a cage that controls the freedom of interpretation. So it leaves us with an open access to meaning.

One among the main thinker of this era is Derrida and his deconstruction method. Deconstruction was there as an opposition to logocentrism. Logocentrism is a metaphysical inheritence of ideas which is asserted to pervade all Western tradition from Plato onwards and gained ground in the 18th century Enlightenment movement with the birth of modernity. Such point of view offers the notion that there are some rational, global solutions and explanations, some general principles which guarantee progress in the development of knolwedge.

Deconstruction opposes such myth of grand narratives and replaces it with local and little narratives. He roposes 3 little steps in deconstruction: (1) the first one involves a destruction of the dominating picture in favour of what was hidden, dominated; (2) the second involves a destruiction of both the dominating and the dominated poles; (3) constructing a new and wider new pole.

I just wonder the interconnection between such method with the work that I'm currently dealing with. I try to translate the concept into my simple daily language of work and I'm still trying to read all the text with the 3 little steps in mind. I dont know how others find my experience but I am honestly confused.

Eghh...going back to the main topic.... it's due this Thursday...hopefully I can get it done by Wednesday.

nb: illustration is taken from http://www.qwantz.com/fanart/DerridaRoar.png

2010-05-07T23:01:00.000+07:00

The following article is written by my daughter:

Wanita "bodoh" dan Lelaki "pintar"

wanita bodoh bukan karena dia memang bodoh..
tetapi dia bodoh bila dihadapan seorang lelaki pintar
lelaki pintar bukan karena dia memang pintar
tetapi dia pintar bila sedang berbicara dengan wanita
bodoh karena mau saja dibodohi
dan pintar karena bisa membodohi wanita
apa mau seperti itu terus
seorang wanita seharusnya bisa berusaha untuk tidak menjadi bodoh
tetapi apa daya sang lelaki terlalu pintar dan sang wanita mau saja dibodohi...
wanita tidak berusaha untuk keluar dari kebodohonnya
dan itu semakin menggampangkan kerja si lelaki
Coba kita lihat dari beberapa poin yg membedakan lelaki sekarang dan lelaki jaman dahulu
Uang :
zaman sekarang sangatt sudah terbalikk....sekarang justru si lelakilah yang MATREE...memang banyak wanita juga yang matre..tapi maksudnya adalah apakah pantas seorang pria mempunyai sikap seperti itu?? Zaman sekarang sebagian dari pasangan yang banyak mengeluarkan duit adalah sang wanita...sampai dia rela berboong kepada orang tuanya demi membayari si cowok....contoh berikutnya..coba kita perhatikan sekeliling kita...misalnya teman kita...pasti ada seorang lelaki ganteng berpacaran dengan seorang wanita gendut dan berwajah kurang menarikk....sebenarnya si pria tidak begitu menyukai sang wanita tetapi apa mau dikata kalau sang wanita tajirnya setengah mati setengah mampus
Sikap :
saya sangat dapat melihat sikap pria yang suka seenak jidatnya sendiri...contoh ini saya ambil dari kasus orang terdekat saya.....beribu-ribu kali pacarnya meambohongi dia...beribu-ribu kali dia menangis dan memaki-maki...tetapi beribu-ribu kali itu juga dia memberi maaf.....apakah itu dikatakan sayang...menurut saya itu salah...mungkin memang benar si wanita menyayangi si pria..tapi bagaiana dengan si pria...alasan apapun yg membuat dia berbohong...bohong tetaplah bohong...seharusnya apabila dia menyayangi kita walaupun susah pasti dia akan mencoba berkata jujur...

sebenarnya masih banyak contoh-contoh lain...tapi itu juga nggak begitu penting kalo dari dalam diri kita tetap tidak menyadari bahwa sang lelaki sangatlah pintar dalam membodohi sang wanita....
sadarrlahh...itu sudah merupakan tanda dari Tuhan bahwa dia bukan yang terbaik untuk kita...dari pada kita membuang waktu dan terkurung dalam satu orang lelaki yang sudah jelas menyia-nyiakan diri kita...lebih baik kita mencar orang yang jauuuhhh lebih baik untuk kita..yang memang telah Tuhan siapkan untuk kita....memang itu semua sulit...tapi akan jauhh semakin sulit untuk keluar dari permasalahan ini apabila tidak diselesaikan secara cepat.....jadi berusalah untuk lepas dari mereka dan pergilah untuk mencari yang terbaik bagi kita

Renee Margaretha Kancir Tribute 1

2010-05-07T12:17:00.000+07:00

2010-05-07T09:06:00.004+07:00

IBU SRI: One in a Decade Phenomena

If the cycle of the season in Indonesia is approximately 6 months and in the four seasoned country is more or less, 3 months, the appeareance of a personality like Ibu Sri happens only once in a decade. I dont know her well. I only met her during the G20 meeting in Melbourne a couple of years ago. But somehow she has left a very deep impression. I was a public relations officer for the gigantic cubicle at that time. So, the journalists that came with me requested an opportunity to interview her. Her straightforwardness and her conceptual position was really different from most leaders. As far as my country concern, she is probably one in a decade phenomena. The entire time and space conspires with her and foster the unique, strong and smart leadership in her.

The news that broke out lately about her being appointed as one of the managing director for the World Bank has left me with a perturbed feeling. I believe I am not the only one. I am proud of her for there has never been in the history that an Indonesian is offered such a high position in an international organization. However, at the same time I feel sorry for my country. Like I said...she is one in a decade phenomena and my country didnt use the opportunity well.

Some bozos who managed to rob this country have done their utmost to get rid of her and win. We'll see, how long this bozos can stand the storm. The hot money that they earned will one day be the reason that will put them in the disgrace position.

Ibu, I dont know you in person, but from the deepest part of my heart allow me to congratulate you on your new appointment. Everything about you is nothing but a flare of success. I truly believe that the World Bank will benefit a lot from you. And I feel sorry for the fact that our country is not ready to face the concept of clean and honest government for we all still controlled by a bunch of rogues. I'm proud of you Ibu Sri !!!

2010-04-21T08:16:00.002+07:00

BIRTHDAY

I still have another 2 months to go before my birthday. I just wonder why people celebrate birthday, as for me it is the time to do some reflection of what has happened and what need to be done. Some people do it on new year's eve, sure it's not a problem. My preference is to do it on my birthday.

My Son's birthday fell on the 15th of April. It was a Thursday. I took a day off to join his birthday celebration at school. As he blew the birthday candle, I could see the glow of happiness shone from his eyes. It grew even more when he distributed the small gifts for his friends. It must have been the party and the fact that he was being the centre of attention that makes him happy.

April 19 is my sister's birthday. She died on the second of February this year. So my mind was set on her all the time. The fact that my training session would be held in Colorado made the memory of her occupy my entire day. I felt a bit moody and empty. My cousin texted me telling me that the flower that my sister had given her was in bloom for the first time. Do you celebrate birthday up there Sis?

April 20 my son arrived home with a bag of sweets and toy. He told me that that day was his best friend's birthday so he took home the gift and took extra care ever since. As with me, I went to the volley ball field and we had a game with another team. After the game was over, someone from the team asked me my age. ? I didnt respond to her instantly, instead my mind was wondering if I told her that I am younger than I am, would she believe in it. Age is sometimes use as an indicator of our actions. If I told her my real age she probably wouldnt believe it.

Birthday is to celebrate the fact that you are given another year to follow. Whether it's equal to happiness or not it depends on each. To those who see it as a celebration, it depends on how sucess ful the celeberation is. To those who had already passed away, their birthdays serve as the day where everyone think of her and link anything possible with her birthday. To those who are who see birthday an aging process, birthday is not a pleasant news.

2010-03-30T22:55:00.003+07:00

ORANG UTAN

They call Borneo their home, for more than 60% of the total Orang Utan population live in Borneo, in a small island surrounded by a river. Native to Indonesia, in the rain forest of Sumatra and Kalimantan specifically, Orang Utan is the only Asian living genus of great ape. The word Orang Utan is adopted from Indonesian, in which orang means man and utan means forest.

The forest fire that broke out a couple of times in Kalimantan has left many baby Orang Utan without roof over their head. Thanks to the Borneo Orang Utan Survival Foundation who establishes an education centre in Nyaru Sampang as to prepare the babies to get ready once they are set free in the rain forest.

Nearby Nyaru Sampang there is an island where Orang Utan are set free into their real habitat. Every lunchhour a boat will sail to the island. A bunch of Orang Utan will cluster nearby the boat, waiting for their food. We took Klotok, a small traditional boat, to travel around the island to see the Orang Utan. Even though we arrived behind schedule, we managed to see a big Orang Utan among the branches nearby the riverwith a big plastic on his head to protect himself from the burning sun. He was sitting on the branches in the swampy area nearby the water. The root of the the Rhizophora plants have turned the water black.

2010-03-22T20:58:00.005+07:00

THE SPICE ISLAND

Ambon, an island in the eastern part of Indonesia, hampering across 377 Km2 with more than 400 thousands of occupants has once been the most favorite place of the Dutch colony, called spice island. Recently a religious conflict between Islam and Christian broke out. The long drawn out conflict is now over.

The conflict has left most of the areas neglected. A once known as a clean and pleasant place to visit, feels more like a place where only the fittest survive. Attention is now directed to rebuild the economy. It is a common practice that economic development can not escape from the claw of politics. The physical conflict is over, yet the invisible conflicts are still silently murmured. There will be a possibility that religion will again be utilized to disguise the political battle. When the talking animals are in conflict, the presence of Leviathan is in need.

2010-03-19T09:04:00.004+07:00

MOVIE REVIEW: THE CENTURION GATE
RATING: R for violence and language

Starring the notorious Rogue, bozo, clowns.

Post election, a moment which is normally cramped with consolidations, worked the reverse way in the land of opportunists, called Indamnesia. An evil genius, Rogue, seeks to conquer the ruling party in Indamnesia ; he is assisted by a bunch of thugs and an army clowns.

There were two types of Clowns: Big Nosey Clowns, the most commonly seen clowns, are walking funny robots with laser blasters for arms, while the Respectful clowns are specialized indisguised backstabber armed with invisible missiles and lasers. They are joined on many occasions except when the steel yard that measures power indicates a reverse position than the previous. At such time, the Respectful Clowns, wearing armany clad, appeared as the wise to backstab for the benefit of any enemies that would share their power with them. Whoever win, the respectful clowns win, be it the Rogue or the ruling party.

Unlike all the well directed scenes and the well crafted cinematography that depict the battle, the movie was dominated by physical conflicts and obscene language. In an interview the extreme wealth Bozo, who intelectually directed this movie, admitted that such fact and claimed that such is very common in order to bring up the main theme of the movie which is "Extreme Power". He also claimed that his movie has gone beyond the ordinary soap operas and deserves to be reffered as a breakthrough in the movie industry. The fact that it is rated as R for violence and language, doesn't change the reality that this movie is nominated for an award in the forthcoming rat carpet event.

2010-03-15T17:37:00.001+07:00

BEHIND NUMBERS

One of the assignment that I have to deal with next week is presenting the economic dimension of globalization. It is assigned to me about a month ago, but I find it extremely difficult since economy sounds Greek to me. Another thing, I dont like numbers, in fact I hate numbers and I begin to stronly believe that the more you hate something or somebody, the more you have to deal with it.

The article, written by Paul Bairoch, is full of numbers. It's a historical trajectories and he analyzes a series of data on international trade to see the long term impact of them. I am quite lucky that two friends of mine happen to major in economy and expert in the area of finance. So they explain the economy theory on international trade as a background for me to read the article.

Bairoch notices the increase of GDP commencing as of pre world war 1 up to the 1996. However those number represent the economy of the developed countries, which represent only 15% of the total population. 85% of them are obliterated from the discussion of growth. Aside from the noted increase that has been recorded by the developed countries, they have entered a negative phase of the economic, especially social plains. Bairoch mentioned 6 characteristics of which I quoted only three major ones: a growing inequality in the distribution of revenue, greater employment instability, a more negative evolution in unskilled labor conditions; lower salaries and loss of jobs.

The numbers have succeeded in creating the myth of growth, whereas behind them there are reality that goes to the opposite direction. In the end, I have every reason to dislike numbers though the more I dislike it the more they stick with me. One last request, Wish me luck with my presentation, that's all I need for the time being !!!

2010-03-13T19:06:00.000+07:00

I OWE YOU

I feel like I have been ran over by a truck. It's not the title of a song, but this is the soreness that's been biting my bones and muscles after going back to sport. I didn't respond positively to the invitation to join the volley ball team in my office. It's not after a couple of times of invitation until I said yes. I felt a little bit awkward in the beginning since I haven't been playing volley ball for ages. The last time was more than 10 years ago.

After the first training program I could hardly drive myself home. I was so worn out and felt numb all over my feet. The second training was no better than the first. The disturbed sleep was accompanied by a severe headache. I don't know if I would continue to be part of the team. One thing I know for sure, it brings me back the memory of the past. The time when sport open up my horizon to this world.

I used to be one of the National Volley Ball player. I did not belong to the celebrities of the national volley ball team of my time for I was only part of the team from 1983 to 1985. I started very young, but quit 4 years later to focus on my studies. I came back again right after I had finished my studies and was invited to join the national team. Two years afterward I decided to get married and quit. It was not a very dazzling career in sport but I realized the consequences of my choice.

Despite of the short tenure of my career in sport, I should have admitted that I gained more than the efforts that I spent in sport. I learn about collaborating with others and do my best to achieve our shared vision. I know what it meant to spend my last drop of sweat for the sake of reaching our dream. In short, I owe my present life to sport!!!

2010-03-10T07:26:00.000+07:00

WELCOME A NEW DAY!

The hustle and bustle of the traffic in a big city is the typical flavour of living in Jakarta. Traffic congestion is something that everybody has to deal with, especially during the rush hour. All the streets are all bogged down by the amount of traffic. The more people get used to it, the more impatient they became. As a consequence they wake up in the morning, with heads stuffed with expectation to deal with the traffic congestion. They dashed off to work as to be able to avoid the traffic.

The expectation then turns into reality. As people drive, they are then sucked up by the congestion and got burried in the graveyard of the traffic. In next to no time, they will get irritated and spit out curses if not four letter words. Car drivers blame the motorbikers, and so do the opposite. Pedestrians are not considered liable to use the street. If cursing is considered as a crime, then the statistic for crime in the traffic will probably recorded the highest rate.

I am no better than the rest of the people when it deals with traffic. With my negative expectation in my head, I get easlly irritated by the traffic. And, yes... I spit out curses. It has turned into such a habit that it has never come across my mind that I'm no better than those people that annoyed me. There were times that I tried to control myself but the intention almost immediately dispersed into the thin air.

This morning I tuned into a radio station, broadcasting the topic on happiness. "Happiness is about how you control yourself to see things. Happiness is not about the things itself, but happiness is about you. To speak the language of the common, happiness is not about the money that you put into the stockmarket, or about your fancy cars. Happiness is about how you perceive things around you. So YOU are the creator of happiness."

I sat silently behind the steering wheel. The words penetrated deep into my mind. It's not the traffic that irritates me, but it is how I perceive the traffic that irritates me. If I choose to cool off and not to follow the negative expectation that dwells in my head, things would probably end up far beyond getting irritated and depressed. I miss the YOU in me, my freedom to become myself.

2010-03-08T07:26:00.000+07:00

REFLECTION

The news that my uncle died in Cirebon has brought my husband away for the entire week end. He represented the entire family and went to Cirebon with my brother in law and my uncle. Two of my children went to watch Java Jazz, commencing as of Friday to Sunday. So I was home with my son during the entire week end.

Saturday morning, I took my son for a short drive and went to the ATM to solve some unsettled bills. Then we drove through the neighbourhood and had a mother-to-son talk. The house felt empty. I tried to read some articles, but after an hour of two, I got bored and decided to do something else.

I laid down quietly in my bed. My mind was wandering in the wilderness of my thoughts. One scene after another came into my view, be it the past or the castle in the sky. I assembled the circle of causalities, one into another until my mind was focused on one issue: have I been a good person?

I felt like broken beats toyed by the wind. Whirling and twirling in the sky aimlessly. I tried to find what's lacking in me. It's I, I and I concealed behind the me...me...and me... . The world is evolved around me. I had been very occupied with myself until I forget the facts that the world is so full of others. Those others are reflection of my relationship with God. As I ingore the others, then I ignore God. My relations to God is a mechanistic relationship, a habitus. I go to church and pray because that's how I had been brought up by my mom.

"Dear Lord, forgive me! Dear others, I want to be part of you!"

2010-03-05T21:11:00.000+07:00

ANOTHER BATTLE TO TAME

The room was filled with the cold freezing artifical air. All the desks and chairs were empty, except four at the front row. One lady and 3 gentlemen, looking firm and powerful occupied those desks and chairs. They gave me a stern look which made me shivered a little bit. I told myself that this is my floor, ready or not.

I took my books and papers out and put them in orderly manner on the desk. I straightened my throat to keep my articulation clear and sonorous. "I focus my research on the human side of Learning Organization. Human being...." I heard my own voice echoing in the empty room. I didnt really remember what I told them, all I wanted to do at that time was making things clear to them and got over it as soon as I can. I followed exactly the line of thoughts that I had prepared at home. The 15 minutes was soon over and I was sweating as opposed to the cold air that stinge my pores.

Those faces in front of me were expresionless. They purposely let silence fall in between us, and I swear that those moments were torturing me like death. Then the lady took over the situation. She opened up her sweet lips and shoot me with her questions. It was not just one question, but a couple of questions. I took a deep breath as to be able to overcome the pressure that she gave me with her questions. I reassembled my thoughts and began to answer her. One after another, we both jumped into a serious discussion until she finally looked reassured.

The next examiner added some more pressure as he threw some more questions. He was definitely showing his mastery over my proposal as he left me with two unaswered questions. But that was my battle, so I had to make sure that I could balance his questions. The following examiner took me even further to the unknown strange land. He posed questions I didnt and never thought that he would ask. Foucault, he wanted me to include Foucault in my research. That name I know, but what I know is just a name. I was totally numb when he was pushing me to adopt foucauldian concept. How could I say yes or no when I didnt know foucault. I took an in between position and nodded my head without saying a word.

The final examiner was my promotor. He knew that I had been out of breath. He wrapped up all the concerns and added one light question before he finally concluded the examination. I didnt care about the result at that time, for the only important thing for me was to get over it. They sat again in silence before they asked me to wait outside.

I sat on the stairs outside, sweating all over. Thousands of fears were chirping around my head. I was only waiting for 5 minutes, but I felt like ages. My promotor opened the door. I was startled and stood. He threw a glance and invited me to get inside the room. The four of them gave me a deep look. I looked at each of them, expecting to read a sign of hope. But they were again blank. My promotor stood and walked to my desk. He stopped for a second and said: "Congratulation, you are now a doctorate candidate. You need to make corrections on your proposal and submitted to me within a two-week-time."

All of a sudden, the cold air turned warm. So were their faces as they smiled and shook my hands. I went outside the class and screamed. My friends who were waiting at the end of the stairs laughed in delight. The joy was so empowering that I felt like I owned the thousands of stars in the sky. For a moment it was a relief. When I say for a moment I really mean it for I realize that I still have another battle to be tamed.

2010-03-04T08:05:00.000+07:00

THE PUPPET SHOW

Yesterday I attended an official ceremony. The giant cubicle launched the learning centre. The CEO was there with 2 other member of the board and many other CEOs and directors. The ceremony itself ran like many other ceremonies, full with speeches.

The opening part in every speech is probably the longest and yet the less meaningful part of the speech. Every honorable guests have to be mentioned prior to the longest greetings that followed. I specifically timed it and it took one minute all together. Then came the main content. The content as always mentioned all the prestigious achievements of the institution. In simple language, this is how it sounds, we have done this, we have done that, and this is one among the few, and then followed by big applauses from the audience. In a glimpse, one get the impression that this is wouw....!!! However if you digest it slowly and dig it deeper, it's nothing but a series of number which later on will turn into ashes.

Then came the final part of the speech. It mostly comprises thankful expressions to those contributes to the program. And of course the name of the CEO and the member of the boards have to be there. The little guy who has done his utmost and contributed to most of it, is as always forgotten. He stood there smiling in the corner of the room, happy to see his product being adopted by the big people.

After the closing ceremony, then came the time when everybody went to their car. A light chit and chat went along the way. The CEO stopped for a while and gave a comment on a tree. Everyone directed their attention to the spot and gave similar comment. They all laugh together.

The CEO went into his car and off he went. The remaining of people took a deep breath and gave a long sigh of relief, gulping for the air of freedom.

2010-03-03T11:20:00.000+07:00

WHEN THE DEVIL SPEAKS THE TRUTH

My words are mostly sharp. Yes I admit it! But you have to admit that my actions are very soft. I dont walk the talk. I just need to express my emotion. You may argue that being an adult I shouldnt have done it. Yes, again you are right. By hook or by crook, I am just an ordinary being of flesh and blood. I am familiar with the words, exhausted, sick and pain, and bored. I need new fresh air to breathe, and most of all I need a shoulder to cry on.

I am not like other parents. I dont even know if I am being good parents or not! I just try to be one. I cant be nearby all of you at the time that you need me most. I try to compensate though.... but I do understand that compensation is not always interpreted as 'compensation' in the way I mean it to be or you expect it to be.

I might not be the other part of him. Hell, I am not. If other try to find another shoulder to cry on, I only seek for another time and space to cry on. I dont prepare his coffe and sit next to him to watch a television program. I sit in my own isolation with my books and thoughts.

I am not a good daughter. Forgive me, Mama. I dont treasure you the way others treasure their parents. I get trapped in my own illusionary world. I sat on my own and become indolent. I know I'm gonna regret it should any bad things occur to you.

I am not a good sister. I focus on my own family and leave out my attention for my sister. I'm just affraid if I get too close then I would be drifted away by her problems. She is always in trouble. When I say always, I really mean it. It's not about luck, it is simply about atittude.

I am being nice to myself. Only!!!

When the devil speaks the truth, do you believe it???

2010-03-03T07:32:00.000+07:00

ORA et LABORA

I was flying rather than driving to campus yesterday. The last minute call to join a meeting had turned my schedule upside down. I had made an appointment with one of my co-promotor after office hours at 17.00. My supervisor suddenly called me and asked me to sit in a meeting to discuss our project. I was like sitting on a stove, wanting to contribute but at the same time had to dash off for my personal appointment.

It's not an ordinary day! On the 4th of March I will be defending my proposal for my postgraduate studies. Yesterday I had an appointment to discuss how the examination would be held. I was so late for the meeting ended at exactly 17.00. I texted my co-promotor and told her that I would be late. Lucky me that she responded nicely, but deep down I know that I would miss lots of my opportunity to discuss with her. And yes.... we only discuss the technical details of the examination and missed the opportunity to dig down the possible issues further. I told myself that I had to compensate the missing opportunity at nite.

I had ample slept last nite. I tried to concentrate and read the main literature that would support me on the 4th. However, I got so disorganized until it turned out to be an array of incomplete puzzles. Pheww... I drowned myself deeper.

When I dont know whatelse to do, the only thing that cross my mind is asking for God's intervention to assist me, though deep down inside I know that it's 'Ora et Labora'. Dear Lord... please help me to get over it, be it the sun or the moon, black or white, darkness or light.

I then tried to sleep, but woke up again, and decided to pray again. This time.....:"Dear Lord, forgive me, can I have the sun instead of the moon, and white instead of black, and the light instead of darkness??? Pleaseeeeeee...............????

2010-03-02T15:53:00.000+07:00

I SEE MY FUTURE IN ME

The seminar was finally conducted and, yes, we managed to do it well. It is hard to imagine all the hustle and bustle that we had to go through, in preparation for the seminar. I was in charge of developing the term of reference and dealing with the presenters. It is easy for me to find the presenters, however, it is not easy to turn their tacit knowledge into explicit in the shape and string of thoughts that I want it to happen.

As from my personal opinion, I still find some areas that can be improved. The speakers and the Term of Reference should have been better alligned. (I was pointing my finger to myself). I could have made a more detailed Term of References and requested the speakers to submit their presentation material a week prior to the event. As such, I would be able to control the messages conveyed to the audience. So one improvement can hit two birds.

As for the place and event organization, we could have ended up in a more effiecient manner should we be able to make faster and smoother decisions and deal with all the vendors earlier. We were rushing at the last minute, lost our bargaining position and had to play along with any terms and conditions that had been offered to us.

I see the ray of hope rising in my horizon, I see the opportunity for me to do my own action. In the future I can run my own seminars, training and research. Whatever I am currently up to is nothing but fields of exercises to prepare my readiness. The future here I come...ready or not... I have to stand on my own feet.

2010-02-27T20:39:00.001+07:00

A FAMILY DAY OUT

This calender year has granted us a 3 day off, commencing as of Friday to Sunday. So we decided to spend it in Bandung. We left early in the morning and went back in the afternoon. The kids always love to go to Bandung. The food is good and the city itself provides us with a different ambiance.

2010-02-20T07:24:00.000+07:00

THE GARDEN OF MY WILD DREAMS

In the backyard of my house, I built the garden of my wild dreams.

2010-02-19T07:17:00.000+07:00

ONE DAY WE'LL ALL FLY AWAY

My sister died at the age of 53 right in the beginning of the year of 2010. She had been suffering from cancer for exactly 2 years. The doctor had told her in January 2008 that she had only another 2 years to live. That was precisely predicted.
I had been very close to her. We grew up together and shared so many sisterhood stories. She loves me in fact she loves everybody, but I know, me and mom had occupied special spots in her life. I had been a stubborn spoiled kid and she had been a real sister to me. There were times when I put her in a-not-good-situation and she was mad at me only for one or two days... the rest she turned back into my loving sister.
She moved to the United States and Japan, but our sisterhood remained as close as ever. The time while she was there, she took care of all of us... one by one. I had spent countless holidays with her. During my one of my business trip to US, I spent two days in LA and so did she. At nite time, we both sat on the sofa and starred at the Disney fireworks while tracing the memory of our childhood. On the way home from another business trip to Germany. She came to Holland and we both stayed at my brother's place. It is too painful for me to remember her expression and my brother's statement. My brother said: "I cant hardly believe that the three of us are here." She said nothing but starred at me. That was the longest gaze I had ever received from her.
This morning while I was driving, her picture came again into my vision and I could not help it anymore. I called my mom and told her how much I miss my sister. My mom said:"I am 87 and I probably the one who is supposed to miss her more than anybodyelse. She is my daughter who came out of my womb. I breastfed her and raised her into a person I am so proud of. She is one of the best thing God has ever given to me. But at nite time I always pray, please Lord, dont let me regret the fact that she died for It's like regreting all the things that you had brought into my life. If there is a possiblity for me to deny just any of them, simply because it brings along with it an unhappy dimension, then there is also the possiblity that I might loose all the joyful parts and the delights that I had had in this life. I keep the unhappy parts for I know I had enjoyed more out of the happy parts.
One day we'll all fly away... no one can stop it to happen....and some other people would fill our positions... whimpering and weeping...yearning for us, our love, if we have shared some.

2010-02-18T15:56:00.000+07:00

THE NEED TO BE UPDATED LIST

It's 2010. I havent been visiting this blog for more than a year. So many things have happened to my life. I would have said the one year that had passed was the moment of dellirium.
1. My other child has turned 17, and I promise to write something about them when they reach the age of 17. So my next posts would probably be around her and my little son.
2. My sister died right when the gate to the year of 2010 was opened. I felt as if a part of me have gone with her. She is my soul.... life after her is nothing but a sequence that I have to follow...
3. I try my best to get my phd...though I dont know if I could make it... If somebody ask me...why do I have to go through all these efforts... then my answer is.... I dont know...
4. My work and the gigantic cubicle is still a hot issue. This might be the most interesting part of my life... funny people and funny place...
5. My "love life" has turned sour... it's not that I dont love him anymore but the fact that time have turned us into strangers one from another can not be denied....
6. I dived to deep into the ocean of life and forget to emerge to get oxygen... as a consequence.. you simply can guess.... i'm out of breath.
Need to wrap up...for I have to race to the campus.... campuS...here I come....ready or not... face it.

2008-12-11T08:14:00.000+07:00

LIFE IS ABOUT BEING HERE!

I havent been updating this blog for quite sometimes. The key word that occupies my mind is 'Amazing!!!'. What is so amazing? This life is indeed amazing. At this age, after so many years of having a chance to live, I have started to assemble the pieces of puzzle of my life. I'm not saying that I have gotten the answer to my existence, naaaa...it's far from getting the answer.

What I manage to get so far is the categorization of the pieces of realities that I have gone through. I began to analyze (oops..this word sounds a bit scientific) to see things with a better view about what happened to me in the past. I'm not saying that life is okay, but somehow I can take all the pain in a more 'decent' way.

One of the key issues that struck my mind is about death. This word has haunted me ever since my sister was told that she has at the most only two years to live. I felt as if I was also the one that's being punished by this reality. Coincidences happen. One after another. I got exposed (I didnt search but I really got exposed) to some articles on death during one of the philosophy classes that I attended. This class has taught me to not ask about death, but ask about life instead. Death is something that will happen to anybody at anytime. Time and space are the enigmas. My sister is one among the few that has the opportunity to open the veil of the enigma of 'time'. It happens for a purpose, to let her give some more reflections and and explore more about life, about her existence. Be open to death and life and let your existence reveal itself.

In one of my converation with her I mentioned about the fact that she's lucky to know the time. I dont. I could be one the who ' leave' earlier than her. We never know. The only thing that we know is the reality that we exist. That's what matters. The reality that we dont exist is not important anymore for that is the harvesting time which happens to be His part. Life is about being isnt it?

2008-01-23T09:46:00.001+07:00

EXIT
I'm looking for a door that could lead me to the exit. But the door is either to small for me or it's unavailable. This cubicle is getting too hot and it has turned into a humid and depressing place for me.

Without having the attention to bring myself into a philosophical area, my internal dialogue has brought into my awareness of my existency. Why do I exist and what does I expect from this life? I end up myself with a conclusion that I live for several reasons. I live for myself and my surroundings. I live for the future of my children, they need me until they are ready to be on their own. I live for the present in which my husband love me and i love him, though we both love to enggage ourselves into tedious arguments. I guess that's the color of our love. I live because I love the past and often dive into the romantic memory of being a member of my big family, my mother, my sisters and brother as well as my cousins. As with my spiritual part of living I consider it as private so it doesnt belong to the public domain.

With that in mind I wonder if I could have them if I am still trapped in this hot and depressing cubicle. The money is definitely good, but the happiness is far from real. By the time I got home I'm dead tired and turned myself into a strange creature. Either I sat in front of the television or I checked and sent mails to friends. Week ends are the best time for I stay on my leisure. I focus on myself , neglecting those people that I love. I turn into an alien!!!

After having been working for the cubicle I began to think of finding my happiness, do the things that I always want to do. I still have to find the exit. My friends reminded me, what's waiting for me outside the cubicle is in fact a bigger issue that I need to consider. As for me, what's waiting is happiness and I know happiness is not free so I have to bear the consequence. I can do anything when I'm happy. It is proven!!!

2007-04-04T22:26:00.000+07:00

HOW BIG IS THE BRAIN?

I work in one of the biggest institution. The building is probably one of the largest and the most exquisite one. No matter how costly and prestigious the buildings are, they can not hide the fact that there is a bunch of narrow minded people that work inside there. Narrow minded in this case refers to the disability to take pluralism as a natural phenomena.
These NM (read: narrow minded or no mind) consider the entire member of the organization as a mass production. Whoever bears a different attribute is considered as a rejected item. Their brain work like a quality control scanner that could only accomodate a set of indicators. Whatever goes beyond the indicators are considered as erroneous and should be isolated if not dump.
The set indicators inhibit them to learn from the nature that provide such an abudance to the well being of mankind, to look into the mirror and learn from our own body that all the different parts of our body has their own functions. All these different parts, when they cooperate and collaborate they create an incredible and miraculous ability to man.
It is so unfortunate that these people are equipped with quite an enormous power. They regularly scan the entire organization and shunt the "rejected product" sideways. They provide a hidden reward for those who are willing to reshape themselves according to the set indicators.
The space in their brain could only house primodialism and ways to shunt people sideways. How could the organization achieved the goals when the performance is relies on a part of the body???

2006-04-01T12:31:00.000+07:00

PAK UCUP, THE BARBER

The barber is located on the side of a small dusty street, next to a small passageway beside a tiny warung tegal. It’s a nine square meters room, divided into two by a not too clean wooden board. The room is cramped with a television set placed on the table next to the two big mirrors attached to the wall. Two chairs with leather-like covered are placed in front of the mirrors, and a far from comfortable bamboo sofa is positioned behind those chairs. The price list is glued on the rusty wall between the two mirrors: Dewasa = Rp. 6000,-, Anak = Rp. 5000,- Jenggot = Rp. 2000,-.

Despite the disturbing odor that strikes your nostrils and the hissing sound of the television set that hit your eardrums, clients from neigbouring areas drop in to this place. They must be his longlasting clients for they use the silent language to communicate. He nods his head every time he notices the arrival of his clients and the clients sit on the wooden sofa patiently waiting for their turn to arrive.

After my second visit I noticed that his name is "Ucup". He’s a quiet man in his thirties , a simple looking guy, far from being invaded by the modern culture. I dont know if he had ever dreamed of becoming a barber . It seems to me that being a barber is not just the way he earns his living, but it seems like it's part of his destiny. He scrutinized every single inch of the clients hair just to make sure that they are properly cut. He checked it from a distance, and trimmed the unwanted parts. A glaze in his eyes will give us a sign that he's almost done. A few seconds to admire his work will end the whole proces and he will then continue with the next client.

One day while he was cutting my son’s hair, I tried to fill the gap of silence and asked him a couple of question. Then I arrived to the average number of his clients. To my amazement Pak Ucup humbly explained that his clients reach up to the average of 50 people a day. My head worked like a digital calculator and my brain almost jumped out of my skull when I realized that he earns more than a university graduate employee. I mentioned the number just to make sure that it was the right number. He shyly nodded his head and smiled cordially demonstrating his two big brown teeth.

2006-03-22T07:34:00.000+07:00

LIFE IS SIMPLE (to some people)

One of the basic nature calls has been buried in the shadowy darkness of reality for so long under the name of values. In the world of etymology, the word “Toilet” is one of the most vivid examples.. The dictionary of etymology has recorded so many words to express toilet, such as John, Lavatory, Privy, Loo, Throne, Privy, Can, Rest Room and many, many others. This concept has undergone so many semantic changes. Once the unwritten social consensus has recorded deterioration or a change in the semantic value of a word, the word will be classified as taboo and a new word will emerge.
In the grotesque houses in Pondok Indah, the word “toilet” refers to rooms which occupy areas as large as my house and are equipped with luxury and comfort such as carpet, paintings, air condition etc. On the opposite side, for the street children, the word toilet refers to any gutter available on the street such as the gutter that runs underneath the pedestrian path.
Last Sunday drive has added another picture of reality, far beyond those images which have been crushed into our mind through the television or newspaper. As the traffic turns green, the crowd of cars stopped in front of the traffic. A little boy of six, half naked from middle to bottom, ran across the street and jumped onto the pavement. He installed himself comfortably above a gap between the pavement blocks. His back is facing the solemn Sunday traffic of Jakarta, ignoring or being ignorance of the fact that almost every person in the cars were watching his gestures. He rested his fingers on the wall and used the gap as his private toilet to respond to the nature call. I assume most of the passengers would move on to the next question: how is he going to clean his behind. ?
As soon as he had finished it, he moved to the big pot with plants in it. He sat on the curb of the pot covered by the left over rain drops and shook his Behind around to clean it up. To make sure that he was clean enough, he touched his behind with his fingers. As many other ordinary kids would do, he jumped into the middle of the street and ran happily among the cars. Again like many other ordinary kids of his age would do, he put his fingers into his mouth when he got tensed or depressed.
Life is complicated to some whereas it is simple and natural for the street children. It is as simple and as natural as the first snow in winter or the morning dew in spring or the color of leaves in autumn.

2006-03-21T09:49:00.000+07:00

GROWING UP
Growing up is the biggest unidentified mystery of life ever. It’s there yet it’s not there. Not until you are exposed to a particular uncomfortable situation will you then realize that things have changed and the person in front of you is not the same person anymore.
Driving home is one of the particular magical moments that makes me realize that life is not the same anymore.
Mom : "Oo no....not again, it's coming again?" (I pointed to the headlines of a newspaper shoved into our window on a traffic light) "The flood is the same problem every year!"
Girl : “If the Government knows that it’s gonna happen, why didn’t they take any measures now to avoid it? If it is caused by all the garbage that has been thrown to the river, make sure everybody give a hand to clean it.”
Mom : “It not as easy as it sounds. It has got to do with people’s behavior. No matter how much effort you spend on cleaning it up, some other will again dump their garbage into the river.”
Girl : “Why don’t the Government provide the troops of police to be on guard of the river?”
Mom : “They are not meant to do that particular job. They have other important thing to do such as keeping the country secure.”
Girl : “It also concerns national security. Imagine what’s going to happen if the capital city is inundated.”
Mom : “It’s not as simple as that ” (Silence filled the air inside the car).
Girl : “Adults are really complicated!!!”
Mom : (Is she still my baby??)

2006-01-03T16:38:00.000+07:00

THE TRUMAN SHOW

Im on a Truman Show!!! Im inside an illusionary landscape, that isolates me from the reality. However, Im too scared to break this symbiotic situation. I know that everything is fake, but I dont know how wide is the fake area. The producer of the show hides behind the curtain of reality and gaze upon his masterpiece. I dream of finding the truth outside my world though I know that the existence of a genuine truth is just another dream that I built inside my stage set world.

2005-12-25T10:44:00.000+07:00

The Oxen

by Thomas Hardy

Christmas Eve, and twelve of the clock

."Now they are all on their knees,

"An elder said as we sat in a flock

By the embers in hearthside ease.

We pictured the meek mild creatures where

They dwelt in their strawy pen,

Nor did it occur to one of us there

To doubt they were kneeling then.

So fair a fancy few would weave

In these years! Yet, I feel,

If someone said on Christmas Eve,

"Come; see the oxen kneel,

"In the lonely barton by yonder coomb

Our childhood used to know,

"I should go with him in the gloom,

Hoping it might be so’

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

‘God is not dead;

nor doth he sleep!

The Wrong shall fail,

The Right prevail,

With peace on earth,

good-will to men!

MERRY CHRISTMAST 2005

AND

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2006

2005-12-23T13:12:00.000+07:00

A DREAM OF HEAVEN

Lately life has been so unfriendly to me. Taking me for a wander through the darkest forest in which there is no point of return. Solitude and emptiness have been embroidered into every breath I inhale. I have lost my freedom and I am on my own.

I laid my weary mind under a shady tree and hoping that mircales would pass by. I have prepared an utterance of the angel so that mercy will be bestowed upon me. Patience, my companion, has began to show a sympton of restlessness. Nothingness lingers with me throughout the long sufferingly hours of impatiently waiting. Yet miracles didnt show any symptons of existence. I began to ponder myself with contemplation. Until the fatigue in me augmented and I fell asleep under the tree, landing in the empire of dream.

Two beautiful angels came into my view, followed by a little boy wearing a circlet of heaven around his head. They play the music of heaven and sang me the song of joy. I raised my head in amazement and felt the sense of ectasy creeping in my heart. I stood up and we held each other by the hand. We were dancing following the tunes of delight. I felt my spirit elevated to an unknown place. The world is occupied by the language of ectasy.

The forest is still dark, and I still have to go through the long hours of weary walk. The dream has elevated the terrifying angst in me. A tiny light of hope is rising in the horizon of my heart. God's patience and blessings will lead me there.

2005-12-20T11:10:00.000+07:00

STOP THEM???

Tell the truth and tell it immediately. That’s the basic philosophy. My concern is more on the gap between the philosophical concept and the true and bare fact of the reality.

The entire organization has been a bit like a cat on a hot tin roof since early in the morning. The news that broke out today is damaging us. “Why don’t you stop the media?” That’s the key question that has been posed to me since early in the morning. To begin with let me tell you that I’m not a genie. It really takes a genie to do so, since the media is supposed to take the role of a watchdog. Then, to achieve a better performance we need a partner that can serve as a mirror, and we definitely don’t need a partner in crime. Third, we all have our own roles, let’s do it professionally. Next, these problems do not come out of the blue; it is a blessure that we created in the past and has come in effect today, so don’t expect communication to polish the dark spots that we produced. Finally, bad news is good news for the media.

When the “hurricane” strikes, I miss the warm and comfort of my family and room. May I go “home”???

2005-12-13T08:59:00.000+07:00

TRUST
"For better or worse, until death keeps us apart". It will never happen unless you trust a person. Trust is one of the most important essence of our life. Ironically, the usage is abused dramatically and as a result it has lost its true meaning. Trust is a multidimensional concept, therefore the tendency to misinterpret trust is as close as the space between our nose and mouth or even closer as the space between our two eyebrows.
"I dont think I can trust him", the word flows like a prophecy from his mouth. "He has a hidden agenda in every single words that he utters, he added emotionally. Yes, trust is one of the many expressions of our emotion. Experience brought along the emotional aspect of our interaction and it dominates the way we perceive the world, the way we interpret a stimuli, the way we create our social reality.

Flashes of reality crossed my mind, the many and countless experience and conversation that I had with various people with a mixture of background. In a traffic light, when tiny dirty fingers were shoved into our car window, hundreds of questions dance around us and they move along with the the tunes of distrust. A morning greeting on the street, will be assumed as a suspicious gestures. The glue that bond our relationships such as morning greetings have long been buried in the graveyard. Rome is not built in a nite, so does this social reality in which we live. It is a process of a long story. A story that we create with our own brush and paint, a story that create a vivid picture of distrust to our own brother, sister and nation.

2005-12-09T16:18:00.000+07:00

NURTURE OR TORTURE?

How valuable is Rp. 800,- to us nowdays. It doesnt take a genius to say nothing. However, this mathematical concept doesnt really apply to every condition. In fact there is a huge gap between a concept and the reality that it creates.

I was queuing behind a 7 year old boy, wearing a ragged clothes in a fast food restaurant. As the lady gave him an ice cream - apparently that was his order- he received the Rp. 600 change and dashed off to the door. I had the opportunity to catch a glimpse of the display on the register, Rp. 1400,- for an ice cream.

I hold my baby in front of the restaurant, waiting for my husband. I saw the boy again, but this time he was with his sister. She looked healthy with two rosy chubby cheeks covered with melted ice cream. Her eyes was fully focused on her ice cream until my baby cried and pointed his finger to her ice cream. She ran to her brother shoving the ice cream into his hand asking for protection. He was not really ready, though he tried to grip it with his tiny fingers. The cone was wobbly and the scoop of vanilla ice cream fell onto the dusty paving blocks. We all stood in silence for a second. His sister's cry alerted us. She wanted to grab the melted ice crea. but her brother held her hand. Her tears were rolling down on her cheek. The little boy put his hand inside his pocket and took Rp. 600 out. He hold it in the open palm of his hand and gave his sister a blank look. Another Rp. 800,- was desperately needed. He only needs Rp. 800 to express his love for his sister. If only I had the opportunity to infiltrate his mind, I probably will be able to read the various scenarios twirling inside his mind. Will he beg, will he steal, will he soothe his sister, or will he ask for a free replacement to the restaurant??? His decision and choices depends on the values that have been implanted in his mind. Any alternative will be possible. It all depend on us since a value is nothing but a social consensus, part of a culture that we create and that create us in return. In a culture where instant solution such as corruption is tolerated, he will most probably steal some money or beg to get the ice cream. Is it nurture or torture, sometimes I dont see much of the difference.

2005-12-08T20:39:00.000+07:00

UNE DEBUTANTE

Two days ago, I began my first move in my new job. The first press conference was held. The result was quite satisfactory. The message has turned into hot news. It dominate the first page of most of the main media. The major reason was the proper timing. The news broke out at the time where the market reacted postively to the reshuffling of the member of the cabinet. We led the opinion. The following day, whatever happened, the tone of the news has to be around the climate that we had built.

However, we were a bit careless with the message and allocation of time. Some media covered a different minor message which actually bears another news value. With this in mind, we need to improve our issue management. It's so obvious that this minor news is potential to becoming an issue, yet, we didnt really pay attention to it. Another improvement that need to be touched is allocation of time for the press conference. We need to set a limit for the Q & A sessions. Once they have ran out of questions about the main message, they moved to another issue. We need to handle this issue delicately or else it turns into a crisis. I'm not ready.....

2005-12-05T22:10:00.000+07:00

CREME DE LA CREME
It’s not a name of a French cuisine, nor is it a name of a French patisserie. Yes, it’s a French expression. This expression, like any other expression, bears more semantic components than just what appears in the dictionary. Take the word ‘best’ which more or less has a similar meaning with this expression. No matter how overlapping they are semantically, people will still perceive them to have a different nuance. Try to use them in a different sentences and feel the difference!
The history of word refered to as etimology is closely connected to the context in which it is used. France is quite famous for their pride to use their own language, simply because of their political supremacy in the past. Using one or two words of french in an english conversation will still reflects the sense of supremacy which actually has long been buried in the backyard. The language used in a day to day conversation is just one of the culutral artefact.

The same case happens to our language. The fact that english is considered as one out of the five international languages, has created similar phenomena. Just observed the blossoming soap operas on our television programmes. Even an english way of pronouncing indonesian words is correlated to a particular social status.

This is a real conversation occured in my office: "At the end of the day, kita harus memiliki capability untuk beradaptasi terhadap lingkungan yang terus berubah. Hanya the creme de la creme yang akan survive di masa depan!!!. Voila... c'est tout!!!

2005-12-05T12:46:00.000+07:00

BLINDED BY EMOTION

Getting upset is just one of the many colors that paint our life. We are upset simply because we cant achieved the objective that we aim at. We have a tendency to use our myopic perspective and look at an event in isolation. The pattern of our life comprises small jigsaw puzzles. If we tend to focus on a puzzle, we might loose the big picture. However, it is easy to say then to experience it.

I have encountered a situation in which my pride has been so offended until I turned myself into an annoying personality. I made emotional statements and hurt others' feeling. I get blinded by my own emotion.

Life went on and on. The hurt was still there, but I have gained my senses. For the first time I began to observe my new surroundings with a different perspective, and see how much I have adapted myself to this new surroundings. "Not bad at all", I said to myself. In fact it has provided me with new insights. I began to see the big picture. The puzzle is nothing but part of a big picture.

I sat quietly in the evening. The cold breeze patted me gently on my skin. I sat there quietly and thanked God for what had happened to my life. He has given me a new color to paint my life with.

2005-12-03T23:08:00.000+07:00

TIME MACHINE

"Do you think the time machine can ever be invented?", asked my daughter. I was behind the steering wheel and pretended as if I was concentrating on the traffic. Actually my search engine was busy browsing for an answer in my mind. At the cross road , I stopped the car since the traffic light was red.
"We can find the answer from many perspectives. Let's find out what time actually is!" I asked her without really asking a question for I dont know the answer nor can I speak scientifically about time. So I give her my own defintion of time. Time is actually a blank sheet on which our motion is recorded. We can repeat our motion but that will not be the same motion since it occurs at a different blank sheet of time. Time machine is nothing but sheets of recorded motions. So if you are looking for a time machine like the one you saw in the movie, I dont think it exists. But time machine that can take you to the past and future is nothing but books. Books consists of experience, motions occured in a particular set of time.
I turned my head to the backseat to know if she understood my explanation. She was looking out through the window, glaring at the lights that brighten up the night. I knew that I failed to give her an answer, but hopefully the night can ease her curiosity for a while, until time provide her with the answer she was looking for.

2005-12-03T17:07:00.000+07:00

ON THE TIP OF MY FINGER

The phone roared early in the morning at my desk. I havent even installed myself in my chair. "I think you need to improve your relations with the P. The case has met a deadlock. " The words spurred out of her mouth like a stream of flowing water. The main message is, I gotta make sure that the proposal get approved. When she finally had enough of expressing herself she stopped talking. I jumped into the conversation and answered her calmly : "Okay, I'll see what I can do." In fact I still dont know what to do. But that's the only statement that can cool her off!!!!

I wonder if she really knows why someone, or some people refuses to support us. In some cases it's simply because they are being ignorant. It's easy to solve it. Information, innudate them with information. But in some other cases, they simply have their own objective. They will never be in our shoe , not until their objectives are met. Most of the time what they have in their mind is nothing but big bucks. No matter what we do...we end up in that corner, and I have to avoid it. Next week, the meeting will again be held. I need to come up with a solution. The proposal has to be approved. I wish the world is on the tip of my finger.

2005-12-02T13:36:00.000+07:00

TGIF
I encountered my first informal gathering with the whole team. Every Friday morning an informal sharing session was held. "The program starts at 7:30", my colleague told me. At 7:10 I installed myself by the oval table in the corner of the room. Old newspapers and magazines were piling up in the corner of the room. Papers and books were all over the area. I sat there for 20 minutes, no body turned up. At 7:34, a guy appeared smilingly. I asked him where everyone were. "They will be here soon", he answered me abruptly.
We both enganged ourselves into a conversation. In the beginning, we shared nothing but empty words. Then the ice began to melt slowly, he poured out the impeding blocks of his taks. While he was talking, the flow of people began to occupy the oval table. Soon we are all engangging oursevels into a conversation while having breakfast. One claim about the empowerement of the change agent, another one argued about the strategy of our work. I invited the new ones to speak up. They participated shyly, answering my questions and then stopped right there.
It's something good to start with. I just need to spend more efforts to make the most out of them. Pheewwwww.... this type of change is really demanding. Anyway, I am looking forward to Friday...more than ever....

2005-12-01T07:39:00.000+07:00

SO SMALL AND TINY
The passion to dig up new things has always been boggling in my mind. It doesnt come out of my hunger for new knowledge, but it is simply driven by my curiosity and the demand of my job. I have to switch my mindset, moving from one area to another.
Knowledge management has occupied most of the space in my mind for the last 7 years. I dug into various references, connect collaborate myself with KM people. Tacit knowledge, explicit knowledge, SECI, intangible asset etc..etc.. and all the KM jargons have flavoured my mind ever since. Suddenly....so..sudden...I have to switch it off and deal with new things. Reputation. I need to dig more out of it. I wonder if my guardian angel would be so kind enough as to assist me with references about reputation management.
Somehow, I manage to see the link between my previous job and the new one. At the end of the day, they all follow the stream of epistemology and make me feel so small and tiny...

2005-11-30T17:02:00.000+07:00

IT'S ABOUT PEOPLE
The scope of my work covers a wide range of issues. I have to see the things that I dont feel like seeing, what's more to deal with it. Sometimes I ask myself a silly question such as, maybe I can not reach the level of their knowledge, but some other time I wonder if it takes a genius to solve the issues. I can deal with tons of load on my shoulder, but it's not easy to deal with just a single human being. Whatever issue Im dealing with it ends up with the people aspect.

2005-11-16T17:14:00.000+07:00

I MISS EVERYTHING ...
I tried to shove the days, so that I could stay longer in my previous position. I made every effort to keep myself in my comfort zone, in a corner that I'm comfortable with. I tried to go against the change. Im helpless... all I have to do is to accept the change as part of me and live with it.
I miss my friends...my true and genuine friends...I miss the days where I dreamed and walked with my work echoing in my head. I miss the process of searching for the essence of KM. I miss the enthousiasms to learn more and more about my job.
Seven years.... vanished into the thin air.